"About Hollywood, somewhere I've read
That acting is easy," growled Fred.
"For people, they say,
Win an Oscar today
Who don't bother to get out of bed."
--- A N Wilkins P0211

And fast food stores now have the knack
Of getting on H Potters track:
Eye of newt, toe of frog,
And the hair of the dog...
Oh no, that's the standard Big Mac.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Those same Big Macs we had last week;
Took a bite, groaned, decided to peek.
There was too little meat,
The tomatoes deplet-
Ed. We left there, some good food to seek.
--- Hilde na Baeg

I reading that old Potter, Harry,
And don't find the thing a bit scary.
But it robbed me a night's
Or two's sleep, but not fright.
Kept me awake, interesting very.
--- Ulla

The merchandise, now though, is utter
Ly mod; you can get Harry Butter;
Bike parts: Harry Cotters;
And fires: Harry Hotters;
And golfers can get Harry Putters.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A kid on a broomstick that flies,
And goblins and wizards and spies.
He's playing Quidditch,
With a cute little witch.
"Hermione, make this stick rise!"
--- Irish

Hello there, Hello from a witch!
How about a nice match of Quidditch?
I would sure like a quick
Ride on your broom stick.
Feel inclined to catch my Golden Snitch?
--- Ulla

About this game, of snatching your snitch;
For me there's one lingering hitch.
Acrophobic am I.
I don't want to die,
While trying to scratch my love itch.
--- Irish

I suggest, thence, the ground where it's stable.
I know that down there I am able
To make like old Fluffy,
And lap at your Muffy,
Three times as we make our own fable!
--- Irish

Last night for the first time in a while,
We went to the movies in style.
Sound blasted our ears;
Seats squeezed our old rears;
In fact there was scant cause to smile.
--- Tony Burrell

The film was that Harry Potter;
Our daughter said that we just gotter
Go in the first week,
To take the first peek.
Did we have fun? No, not a lotter.
--- Tony Burrell

Pure Fantasy -- that a boy, Potter,
Around on a broom could make hotter
A cauldron or two,
For its perfectly true
That he'll not touch a broom when he's gotter!
--- Dennis Hammes

Not shown in the film, "Harry Potter",
Was the use of the brooms to save bother.
But the magic is tricky;
Remember how Mickey
Rued the moment he had one fetch water.
--- Dr Limerick

Allow me to hazard a guess;
Those brooms by themselves sweep the mess;
A wizard perk dandy
Especially handy
For debris from the game, Wizard Chess.
--- Dr Limerick

As for Mickey's wiz lesson, I caught her,
(How broom begat daughter on daughter.)
But I will confess
I don't use it on chess,
For it generates nothing but slaughter.
--- Dennis Hammes

Indeed, I have rather refined
My thoughts on "Wizard's Gambit Declined,"
For I watched a young master
Punch faster and faster --
Till the clock punched him out of his mind.
--- Dennis Hammes

The commune dweller, Anthony Cotter,
Wore a beard; was allergic to water.
He could throw clay to suit;
He was soiled and hirsute;
Therefore he was the first hairy potter.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0305

This boy went to live with his aunt
And uncle, who said "But you can't
Be a wizard! Absurd.
If the neighbors all heard,
You aren't a wizard! You aren't!"
--- Hannah Potter

He lived with them for some ten years,
Far away from his natural peers.
Till one day he found out;
The secret was out,
And it confirmed his family's worst fears.
--- Hannah Potter

To Hogwarts school he was sent,
Where his happiest days were spent.
Different spells they learned
And potions they burned
And he found out what friendship meant.
--- Hannah Potter

He and his friends had adventures,
Which lead to them getting detentions.
They agreed to stop prying,
Getting in trouble and spying,
Until something tested their intentions.
--- Hannah Potter

Through a trapdoor they descended one night.
A Dark Wizard they were ready to fight.
They broke different spells
As legend now tells,
Until the enemy was in sight.
--- Hannah Potter

And sadly our story now ends.
Harry Potter goes home with his friends.
His family is horrible,
Simply intolerable.
We'll see Harry when the summer ends.
--- Hannah Potter

Harry Potter's the one I like best,
And Hermione's cute, and the rest.
And Ron was a star;
I even liked Voldemar!
I just saw it, if you haven't guessed.
--- Willis Baddel

Harry Potter's magic affair
Made Ms Rowling a millionaire.
Are we pleased? You bet!
It's cleared our national debt,
And given a few quid to spare.
--- Tony Burrell

The skill of a chacma named Turks
In painting is something that irks
Collectors today,
For his paintings, they say,
Look much like De Kooning best works.

(chacma - a baboon of southern Africa)
--- A N Wilkins P8408

The artist, with his canvas and stand,
Has a palette and brush in his hand.
He'll paint what he sees;
A landscape with trees?
Perhaps the sea and the shore and sand.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A woman who painted, named Sue,
Did all of her paintings in blue;
They were put on display
In a hall in Bombay,
And received an outstanding review.
--- Cap'n Bean

"Art for Art's sake," he proclaimed.
"I don't care if my canvas looks maimed!"
But one look at this mess
And the viewer will guess,
That, down deep, the man must be ashamed.
--- Anon

There was a young man from Des Moines,
Whose artistry leaned to bare loin.
He peddled his pix
With digital licks,
'Til Big Brother reneged for some coin.
--- Anon

An old abstract painter, MacNeal,
Was painting a pussy so real,
That while he was painting,
From desire he was fainting,
And he blew on the canvas, the heel.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1882

There once was this talented lass,
Whose paintings were judged as first class.
Although nobody knew
That each time that she'd screw,
She'd paint with a brush in her ass.
--- Anon

There was a poor chap called Rossetti:
As a painter with many kicks met he--
With more as a man--
But sometimes he ran,
And that saved the rear of Rossetti.
--- Dante Gabriel Rossetti

This is file mmm

Bleary-eyed, blithering, and blotto,
Having paid his homage to Giotto,
He painted a nude,
Dreamed he got screwed,
And called himself Dear Uncle Otto.
--- G2263

I treasure my new Delacroix;
It has me spellbound and in awe.
This full-figured nude
Has me in the mood
To wank till I rub myself raw.
--- Randog

A mincing young artist names Spacey
Loved wearing girls' clothes, soft and lacy;
His muy macho daddy
Said, "Goddammit, laddie,
Your choice of street wear is disgracy."
--- Armand Singer P2006

There is a big artist named Val
The roughs and the prize fighter's pal.
The mind of a groom
And the head of a broom
Were nature's endowments to Val.
--- Dante G Rossetti

An artist called Donald McGill
Gave tourists a holiday thrill,
Honeymooners and Vicars,
Buxom ladies in knickers,
And couples well over the hill.

There once was an artist named Frank
Who often got tanked when he drank.
The liquor pervaded
His mind and it faded.
And he kept on drawing a blank.
--- Observer

It was quite the best bird art they saw
And painted by this guy. Jackdaw
Or Eagle, each flew.
He penned nonsense too!
Kids loved this old bearded lead drawer.
--- Doug Harris P0604

A painter of birds, Edward Lear,
For limericks was known far and near.
But this handsome owl
And assorted fine fowl
Show Lear in his other career.

(Smithsonian, Sept 1981, on Lear as a painter of birds)
--- P8303

An Eskimo painter named Jude,
To achieve just the right Arctic mood,
(A device quite artistic
But close to sadistic)
Stands his models on ice in the nude.
--- Armand E Singer 137

There was an old he-wolf called Gambart;
Beware of him if thou a lamb art,
Else thy tail and thy toes
And thy innocent nose
Will be ground by the grinder of Gambart.
--- D G Rosetti

Said a cocky young artist named Wriston,
"There is only one thing I insist on;
I can stand contradictions
That insult my convictions,
But I'd kill if my paintings got pissed on."
--- Armand E Singer 669

There was a young woman from Stroud,
Whose artistic skills did her proud.
She thought it not rude
To paint in the nude,
And soon drew a sizeable crowd.
--- Richard Long

Though his talent was not highly touted,
"The price is three dollars", he shouted.
I'd offered him two,
But since that won't do,
He sat by his easel and pouted.
--- Tony Davie Collection

A modern young painter from Hart
Was giving a lecture on art;
"When painting what ain't,"
He said, "you need paint,
A brush, and a good running start."
--- Lims Unlimited

Joe Louis, Jack Dempsey, or Ali--
If ever you met in an alley,
Whenever he's through,
Your face will change to
A Pablo..., or Salvatore Dali.
--- Irving Superior P9309

Michelangelo, artist of feeling,
Is known for his Vatican ceiling.
The Pope saw some faults
In its featureless vaults
And said, "Paint it over. It's peeling!"
--- Rory Ewins

The National Gallery of Art
Is a place rather close to my heart.
There's Rembrandts to see,
And admission is free,
So skinflints can go, for a start.
--- Anon

A talented woman named Stipples,
In the art world, created some ripples,
With the paintings she made
Every time she got laid,
With a brush she attached to her nipples.
--- Cap'n Bean P9902

Said Bob Squirrel's wife, with restraint,
When he dipped his long tail in some paint,
"You can crack nuts with ease,
And you're good climbing trees,
But the world's greatest artist, you ain't."
--- Funfax Limericks

A mural he wanted to paint,
Of a landscape, both rural and quaint.
But he's not a Vermeer,
He'd bedaub and besmear;
But alas, Jackson Pollock he ain't.
--- Anon

A trompe l'oeil painter named Light
Depicted a cunt stretched and tight.
It looked so damn real, it
Was like he could feel it.
He came all alone at the sight.
--- Armand E Singer 442

Our favorite painter, Carrara,
Depicted a brilliant tiara
On the nethermost part
Of a brazen young tart --
Now what will he paint on, tomorra?
--- James Montgomery

Grandma Johnson, while bombed on bad booze,
Painted "Pecker Attacking Large Cooze."
Said she, "It ain't quaint,
But I just had to paint
One the greeting-card people can't use."
--- G2269

A wildlife photographer came
To the great outdoors in a plane.
He set up his gear
To a thunderous cheer,
Took one picture and went home again!
--- Photogs Book Smiles P0507

My aunt left me a Rembrandt and quaint
Stradivari -- Boy did I faint!
I rushed them to town
To a dealer renowned,
But Stradivari, he said, didn't paint.
--- Friar

A artist who lived in an attic,
Received news that made him feel ecstatic.
His style, colours, and verve
Hit a patron's raw nerve;
Fame after that was axiomatic.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There once was a model, quite luscious,
Especially cute when she blushes.
To be painted would please her,
Though the artist would tease her
And tickle her tush with his brushes.
--- Anon

There was a young painter named Jake,
Who squeezed on his palette madder lake,
And cerulean blue,
And black and white too,
A real mix of colors that would make.
--- Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401

Velasquez of Spain took a ship
To see all the East in one trip.
But a cheap whore in Tiflis
Gave him crabs, clap, and syphilis,
And he henceforth mixed paints with the drip.
--- G1954

The quite waggish Dutch family Zelft
Left strange records behind them in Delft,
When they gave the same name
To each new-born who came,
So the painter's called Vincent the Twelfth!
--- J Maynard Kaplan

An artist dipped pen into ink
And drew a lush nude in a mink...
Then drooled, "Were you real,
I feel that you'd feel
Hot to do what you'd think I would think.
--- Grand Prix Lim 451

For his Campbell's Soup screen-prints, society's
Wild about Warhol. In quiet he's
Wishing that Heinz
Had inspired his designs;
He'd have 57 varieties.
--- Bill Greenwell

Beauty is in eyes of beholder;
Even Beardsley made some parts bolder.
Thus the viewers eye
Could see humor wry;
Thus Aubrey's lines tawdry won't moulder.
--- Daniel Ford