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"Mona Lisa," says art critic Phipps, There was a young model from Pi-a She smiles much like Trav with his cows; Now you have got my mind busy; Yes, now you have done yourself proud; Mona Lisa is not really deep, A painting by Vincent Van Gogh When visiting Vincent, Gauguin A man called Vincent Van Gogh Van Gogh was well-known to be rash; A young man named Vincent Van Gogh The artist called Vincent Van Gogh, Van Gogh in his time was humble; Dutch artists named Vincent and Joe, Old Vincent Van Gogh, LUFTMENSCH they say, By Vincent, while having a beer, The act of Van Gogh was excusable, There was a Van Gogh from Nantucket, Van Gogh found a whore who would lay, There was a Dutch painter, Van Gogh, Why Tiddy, us Merkins all know And as for a great Scottish loch, The chances are monstrously slim I hate Toulouse-Lautrec of my dough, Van Gogh, feeling devil-may-care, Utrillo, Van Gogh and Manet Bizarre is the word for Van Gogh In case you meet Vincent Van Gogh, A Jewish composer called Bloch The cartoons in question seem mild; Obscenity mores are tribal The hay stacks of deft Claude Monet I crawl through that field and I laugh! I have stared at the works of Renoir, But the picture you've painted for me, I wish I was this stylistic, I'll paint you in shades of green. I'm off this week, thought I might paint, The only thing hurt was my pride. A barbarous critic from Burunda, An artist named Theodore Fink, A newspaper writer named Fling, When Angelico worked in cerise, There was a young woman who said, There once was an artist who drew While there's many did paint as they pissed, A painter of avant-garde art The cross-eyed old painter, McNeff, Steroscopically different McNapt, ("With a capital C your work's rapt.")
The art-loving Bishop of Truro Aqua blue is quite peaceful it's said, There was a young man of Australia, I can piss off a fly in my stall, On the closet wall's writtem in blue: Skilled artists required with a flair There we was, and wanting our tea, (Walter Sackert, Ennui)
A new career is 'bout to start, There was an old artist named Nate The auctioneer said, "It ain't funny; A mystical painter named Foxx, There was a collector named Otto, At the art show a painter named Brose An artist from sunny Tahiti A free-lancing artist named Greely, As a Valentine message, young Bonnet, An ascetic art student named Josh,
"As a spread nude would generate quips,
If Da Vinci had limned
Her beguilingly quimmed,
With a smile on her intimate lips."
--- Jim O'Conner P8902
Who posed for a painter to be a
Terrific success,
But he misplaced her 's',
So she ended up named Mona Li-a.
--- W Haskins
She's famous and has no eyebrows.
She's well-known throughout
The whole world, no doubt,
And able, her fans to arouse.
--- Observer
I'm growing most thoroughly dizzy.
I think it's that mover
They hung in the Louvre,
That some folks have named Moaning Lizzie.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With intellect, friend, you're endowed.
Art lovers are fond o'
The La Giaconda;
She surely stands out from the crowd.
--- Observer
Though her smile hints at secrets she'll keep.
But her firm, compressed lips
Hide a denture that slips,
And her eyelids are weary for sleep.
--- Warrick Elrod
Just cost me a bundle of dough.
And I'm in such sorrow
Because I must borrow
A dollar to pay off my woe.
--- Travis Brasell
Remarked that his friend was a man
Who would lend you an ear,
So he stayed for a year,
And back to Tahiti he ran.
--- Hugh Clary
Developed an ear-splitting cough.
No sleep could he get
And he wouldn't have yet
Had he not lopped the other ear off.
--- Spike Mulligan
He cut off his ear with one slash,
And gave it with pride
To a doxy who sighed,
"Gee, thanks, Vince, but I prefer cash!"
--- MarcoM P8307
Developed a medical wogh.
Otitis Media
Gave him an idea
And he shipped his ear off to a hogh.
--- Arthur Deex P0007
(He's the one who just chopped his ear off.)
His paintings well styled,
His tempter so wild,
Though his ear made a fine stroganoff.
--- Jayne
No one'll buy one, he'd mumble.
After death I am told
All OPUSCULES sold.
At artwork he did not bumble.
--- Anon a
Bought vans that cost lots of dough.
A street race was held
As onlookers yelled,
"Just look at that Vincent van go!"
--- Lucille Clements
Could often paint a canvas a day.
But rather than labor,
He'd take a sharp saber
And "swish!" Here comes another sick-day!
--- Jim
Sat a mam'selle of good cheer...
He said, "Well ok...."
When he heard her say,
"Oh Vinnie, please lend me an ear."
--- Tutta Gioia A
When he cut off his ear that was usable.
For he had a belief
That he could get relief
If he got a new Irreproducible.
--- Roger Brandt
Whose dick was so long, he could suck it.
He said with a tear
As he cut off his ear,
If this wound was a cunt, I would fuck it.
--- EHWL
And accept a small painting as pay.
"Vive l'Art!", cried Van Gogh,
"But it's too fucking slow--
I wish I could paint ten a day!"
--- L1448
Who ne'er saw a great Scottish loch.
He cut off his ear,
Then his dick; thought that's queer;
I now cannot hear, neither fock.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"Van Gogh" rhymes correctly with "dough";
If you've one of his works,
There's plenty of jerks
Would pay millions -- or give you a blow.
--- John Miller
To Merkins, 'twould come as a shock
If a rhyme can't be built
From what's under a kilt --
In fact, sir -- a great Scottish cock.
--- John Miller
That a Merkin, on reading a lim,
That used the word "foch"
As rhyming with "luck,"
Would say that that satisfied him.
--- John Miller
Cassatt makes me angry, you know.
"Degas hole!" he cried
"Put some Monet inside!
Now take what you have Van Gogh!"
--- Anon
Labelled one of his efforts 'The Chair'.
No-one knows if the bloke
Perpetrated a joke,
Or the furniture needed repair.
--- PIBWOB
Or Pissaro; we'll view them one day.
But it seems you need fun
With your panties undone;
I refer to your suntan affray.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who cut off his ear, as you know.
When he wanted it back,
What made his mood black,
Was the fact that he'd not learned to sew.
--- Macsam
You'll notice he wears his chapeau
Way down on one side
Attempting to hide...
Pretend that you don't even know.
--- Irving Superior P8205
Wrote a piece called "The Ear of Van Gogh";
You'll prick up your ears -
The band are all queers,
The conductor beats time with his cock.
No ladies or girls were defiled.
No language was rude;
Nobody was nude,
And nobody messed with a child.
--- John Miller
From shaman or Koran or Bible.
But it'll cost you, I guess
Whenever you mess
With lawyers and money and libel.
--- John Miller
When viewed very closely, display
A phallus-filled field
Where Sis Chris, concealed,
Is planning to ambush her prey.
--- Randog
Old Monet did not make a gaffe!
That's me, with a callus,
From checking the phallus
And sorting the wheat from the chaff.
--- Sis Chris
This is file mkm
Ogled the Titian repetoire.
Viewed Canaletto,
Admired Tintoretto,
And left them without 'au revoir'.
--- Ericka
About us and desire and the sea,
Made a lasting impression...
(Twice...in succession)
Show me more of your culture; please me.
--- Ericka
And could draw like you, artistic.
But my talent is none,
'Less I use my tongue,
It would be more surrealistic.
--- Anon
You'll think it a nightmarish scene.
But my brush will express,
With strokes of finesse,
And end up a very sweet dream.
--- Anon
But the fumes were so strong, made me faint,
Right off of the ladder.
Now there's a big splatter,
'Cause I took a step where it ain't.
--- Anon
Got that splatter up before it dried.
As for where I landed,
My jeans are now branded,
And my ass looks like it's been tie-dyed.
--- Anon
Committed a grave social blunda,
By having emissions,
Before several Titians,
In the Andrew J. Mellon rotunda.
--- Anon
Enjoyed making copies in ink.
Why, the copy he wrote
Of a five-dollar note
Was so good he is now in the clink.
--- Anon
Could make copy from most anything;
But the copy he wrote
Of a ten-dollar note
Was so good, he is now in Sing Sing.
--- Anon
For the angel, he painted his niece.
In a heavenly trance,
He pulled off her pants,
And erected a fine altar-piece.
--- Anon
"My cheeks are so round and so red,
And the light on my dress
Is like pure happiness,
In the shade of the apple-tree, spread."
--- Frances Cornford
Large crowds to blank canvases. "Oooh!"
Cried the critics, "The essence
Of post incandescence
Of conceptualized deja vu!"
--- John Ciardi
I swear there was one had not gist.
'Twasn't 'paint-as-you-go',
(He was jerking it so);
Perhaps it's a style called 'branliste'. (not a clue - McW)
--- Anon
Did a portrait of Arthur Quinn, Bart.
Quinn's widow, they say,
Turned away in dismay:
"It's a painting -- but, sir, is it Art?"
--- Laurence Perrine P8511
Was color-blind, palsied, and deaf.
When he asked to be touted,
The critics all shouted,
"This is art with a capital F!""
--- L1580
Was hue disenhanced, tremor apt,
And otic-disabled.
Foreign art critics cabled,
"By your art (with an F) we are rapt."
--- Arthur Deex P9312
Kept a nude by Renoir in his bureau;
He explained, "It's not smut
That engrosses me, but
Nineteenth century chiaroscuro." (light and dark shadows)
--- Mavor Moore, Toronto 27b
While gray tones are thought heavy as lead.
And we're told a serene
Feeling comes with sea green,
And heat emanates from angry red.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0305
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The color divine,
But the scent was an absolute failure.
--- Norman Douglas L1368A
While signing my name with a scrawl;
And then crap for a while
In the "drip and splash" style
Of Jackson Pollock, high on a wall.
--- David Miller
"Gentlemen, with your cock a-doodle, do;"
You'll pull such a crowd
As you do your work proud,
If there's artistic bents coming through.
--- Jester Jon
For painting wild beasts, many rare.
Private zoo, Knowsley Hall
In Lancashire. Call
Earl of Derby, Belgravia Square.
--- A N Wilkins P8703
And him painting Hubby and me;
My, was we bored!
They showed it abroad,
And now they call it "On we".
--- P E A
Because every time that I fart,
There is left a brown streak
In my shorts. (tongue in cheek)
The question remains: Is it art?
--- Dirruk
Whose paintings were flocked and were great.
As he fingered his cock,
He fell down in the flock,
And was flocked by the finger of fate.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2206
That painting's a forgery, sonny.
A Rubens? What tosh!"
I replied "Oh my gosh!
What a bugger -- I needed the Monet."
--- Peter Wilkins
Once picked up a girl on the docks.
He made an elliptic
Mysterious triptych,
And painted it right on her box.
--- L1421
Who bought an expensive Giotto,
Which he hung on his wall
And would point out to all
Saying, "Don't go to auctions when blotto!"
--- Graham Lester
For his entry GOD'S NOSTRILS he chose.
Though his work won acclaim,
Critics asked why the name.
And his cryptic reply was, "God Nose!"
--- Albin Chaplin P9102
Draws girls that are shapely and meaty,
On the walls of the Bronx,
And now everyone honks.
(So would you if you saw his graffiti!)
--- Val Burns P0512Q
Had a model that suited ideally.
At the first scent of paint,
She would fall in a faint,
And only revived when lanced freely.
--- G0605
Having failed at composing a sonnet,
Drew his girlfriend a card
That the censors have barred;
Both a heart and a hardon are on it!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Said, "Artistic license won't wash!
My models wear tights,
For worldly delights
Are a lot of Hieronymous Bosch."
--- D H Cudmore
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