Teresa's a glorious name,
Which belongs to a glorious dame.
But it's true what's been said,
She's darned hard to bed,
So I'll stick with my hand all the same.
--- Robert

There are times it gets hard, all alone,
When I truly am down to the bone.
And though t'would be sweet
To be making ends meet;
I'm just glad to be holding my own.
--- Jerry Nordal

There once was a Nantucket dude
Whose woodie was mongously rude.
While up, he said, "Bitch,
Come and skull my bone itch,
Or I'll Hoover my own amplitude."
--- H Welchel

The son of a stingy old miser
Couldn't buy any tail, so he'd try, sir,
To fulfill expectation
By slow masturbation,
And now he's a real human geyser.
--- G2712

For celibates, involuntary,
There are cures, revolutionary.
One old guy, Marden,
Used a hole in his garden.
Did the trick, but was unsanitary.
--- Annie Jay

"Although," said his girlfriend to Douglas,
"Our dates always seem to be hugless,
I know we could work it
Without a short circuit,
If only you'd jerk on your plug less."
--- Pierce Evans

A sexual under-achiever,
Was persona non grata with beaver.
So he wrote a critique
With a title unique,
"Fifty ways to be Loving your Lever."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9804

Now I lay me down to masturbate --
I pray you let me elaborate.
I lick and I stroke;
I prod and I poke;
Just like every girl without mate.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Just pity this guy from Decatur,
An addict who's truly a satyr:
With hookers he's chummy,
He flogs his own dummy,
And worships his god--the vibrator.
--- Armand Singer

There was a young fellow named Frank,
Who was always turning his crank.
He lost a good job
When his wife met Big Bob,
And he has only his habit to thank.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Moaned dateless old bachelor Goff,
"My love life lies deep in a trough;
I like flexing my pecs
As I mime torrid sex,
But most nights I just jerk myself off."
--- Armand Singer

The doctor said, "Listen young Reuss,
I always advise self abuse.
You don't have to dress,
There's minimal mess,
And no one begets a papoose.
--- Armand E Singer 40

There was a young man named Herkin;
All day he sat there a-lurking.
And pulling his pud,
Which made him feel good,
'Cause I afraid the old muse wasn't workin'.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Jenny Lou from next door came for dinner,
And attempted to make me a sinner;
Rubbed her belly on mine
In a way so divine,
That I came, though I never got in her.
--- John Miller

It's a shame that your timing's so bad;
Think of the fun you could've had.
Next time, not so fast,
Practice making it last;
You can bet that that won't make her mad.
--- Kaylin

That premature ejaculation,
Was the cause of her consternation.
"It just takes a rub
To wither that nub;
What chance is there for consummation?"
--- Frank Fazed

The dinner was truly a waste
Because of poor John and his haste.
He vowed next time they meet,
He'd give her a treat,
And both of them would get a taste.
--- Kaylin Brandon

The hairdresser Michael J. Crimper,
Seduced by a lady, went limper.
She wanted to boff,
But he tossed himself off,
Coming not with a bang but a whimper.
--- Peter J Wilkins

I've given up girls for the hand;
No need for foreplay, that's grand.
Doesn't want to be kissed;
Love is not missed;
No blame for a failure to stand.
--- Anon

When I get a dripping hard bump,
And no cushy babe wants to scrump --
No blue balls no more --
I'll wank it for sure,
And say it's good health for my pump.
--- H Welchel

He gave in to the doctor's demand;
No booze, smokes, or sex, like he'd planned.
But after two days, he
Was going quite crazy,
Until he took himself firmly in hand!
--- Anon

A fellow who tries to becalm
His lust with a fistful of balm,
Seems to share the same fate,
As a guy from Kuwait,
With no dates, who returns to the palm.
--- Bob Giandomenico

Walking down the road one day,
I stopped at a whorehose on the way.
I had but a penny,
She said, "You're not getting any!"
So with myself I had to play.
--- Butler Girls TP9802

There once was a woman named Singer,
Who landed herself a hum-dinger.
She started to drool
When she took out his tool,
Saying, "Now I can stop using my finger!"
--- Laurence Craft

Said a pimple-faced fellow named Tod,
"Do you know why I flog my own rod?
You don't get no progeny
From auto-erogeny,
Which is just why I flog it, by God!"
--- Armand E Singer 618

To make love to one's hand's a delight
Which no one but one's self does so right.
The mind is at ease
About social disease
And the bother of guests overnight.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8911

An old hermit, inept at locution,
Could not achieve sex resolution.
So he thought to resort
To the one handed sport,
But it was not an easy solution.
--- Albin Chaplin

Said the Indian maiden, White Goose,
"No like sex but me like self abuse."
If you ask her why
She'll tell you no lie.
"Self abuse many fun, no papoose."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0112

Said a wife to her husband in bed,
"Let's not screw, I'll give you some head."
He said, "If you suck
The way that you fuck,
I'd rather just jackoff instead."
--- Cudik

I've been bashing my bishop today
In an off-handed manner, they say.
But nothing is sweeter
Or neater when peter's
Enjoying a bloody good lay.
--- Steve

I whanged it and pulled it and beat
It; the act I just couldn't complete.
Not even a whizz
Or a fizz for my Liz,
Nor a drizzle of jizz from my meat.
--- Anon

Cried Mrs. Bates, "Phooey on you!
You pitch ineffectual woo!
You're so damn little use,
I prefer self-abuse!"
Now Mister Bates masturbates too!
--- Grand Prix Lim 734

She chanted, "A blowjob, that's fifty!"
But if you are feeling too thrifty,
I'll give you some oil,
You can do all the toil.
To watch you jerk off would be nifty.
--- Faerie

This is file mil

Oil I have, she said swiftly.
Boil or not, we shall soon see.
Engard and touche,
He started to say...
But she countered "You'll still need that fifty".
--- Jim Weaver Collection

You may pluck me (as in pizzicato)
Or make love to me smooth or staccato.
But if you're not in the mood
For an amorous etude,
I'll go off on my own and vibrato!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A young man who enjoyed the society
Of girls to the point of satiety,
Sometimes had half a mind
To leave them behind
And jerk himself off for variety.
--- Isaac Asimov

Whenever I'm feeling a little sick,
To cheer up, I write a limerick.
But sometimes I ponder
And actually wonder,
Would I be better off stroking my dick?
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The lawyer defending Miss Becker
(Whose car had been hit by a wrecker)
Refused to take cash,
So, inside of his Nash,
She paid him by pumping his pecker.
--- Cap'n Bean

"Jack, don't play with girls who are naughty,"
Said dad, "or with girls who are haughty."
So Tom sat and thought,
Then did what he ought;
He played with himself and friend Autey.
--- Anon

So now we all know Clay's a chubby;
It explains why he plays with his stubby.
He can't have intercourse,
'Cause he sweats like a horse,
And the hair on his belly feels shrubby.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A cataclysmic altercation
Demolished their cohabitation.
It's not a solution,
But a poor substitution;
He relies on nocturnal masturbation.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0312

"Great God!", wailed Peter McGuff,
"What the hell is all of this stuff!
She twiddles my prick,
Gets it stiff as a stick,
Then denies me the use of her muff!"
--- G1580

Oh masturbation ain't bad, when alone;
And you won't go blind, studies have shown.
I still have all my lovers,
But if alone under covers,
I do it, but I'd rather get blown!
--- Anon

Sex Manuals. "Manus"--the hand.
The hand becomes vagina-land.
A fantasized breast
By left hand caressed
While right hand begins to expand.
--- Irving Superior P9108

There was a young man from the Bronx,
Who when offered a piece said, "No thonx."
He said, "I declare,
I prefer solitaire,
And all that I do is just yonx."
--- L1249

I got me some newbie last night.
It made me feel sixtreen, alright.
The girl was so young,
The rim of her bung
Was far less a brown than a white.

(used new rubber gloves)
--- H Welchel

The master's been saving up spoo.
He's not spanked it all in the loo.
As B P flies home,
To E's honey-comb,
He'll drip us with pent-up lim goo.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Beware of the pimp...he's a brute
Who procures for a vile prostitute...
He entices to vice,
But vice with a price...
Try the self-service sex substitute.
--- Grand Prix Lim 816

There was a young man from Ukraine,
Who found out that wanking's a drain.
Keeps pounding the meat;
He's dead on his feet,
But he has too much sex on the brain.
--- Archie

There was a young man named Mirkin,
Who kept on ajerkin' his gherkin;
Said his wife to Mirkin,
"Your duty you're shirkin',
That gherkin's for firkin', not jerkin'." (you bastard!)
--- L1318

Seems Clay was a little bit bitter;
He was left back at home with the 'sitter;
Logged on his computer,
Thought the 'sitter was cuter,
And made love to his hand in the shitter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Does he have low expectations?
He's appeased by prestidigitations.
But legerdemain
Is never the same
As hot, secret-place palpitations.
--- Lucy

You now just have it quite right;
A hand job, no matter how tight,
Is not just the same,
And cannot inflame
The passions coitions ignite.
--- TuttaGioia

But sometimes conditions dictate
(And oft if your date has a mate)
That you share what you can,
Though the passion's less than
What that mate, who awaits, will create.
--- TuttaGioia

The moralist laws are vexation
And lead to the thoes of frustration.
When your hot, throbbing root
Is just begging to shoot,
Thank God there is still masturbation.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

Yesterday I had a hankerin'
For Nantucket whores but my banker in
My home town called, said "Trav,
Since cash you don't have,
Just stay home and settle for wankerin'."
--- Travis Brasell

A streetwalker, working the Strand,
Propositioned that tightwad, Durand.
He said, "At that price,
My reply is: No Dice!
My sex needs I have well in hand."
--- Grand Prix Lim 456 G0662

I'd like to believe that it's true,
That you don't go blind when you do
The unspeakable deed,
That we all sometimes need.
(I'm typing with one hand, not two.)
--- Dennis Galion

Since James caught himself in the can,
He has been such a timid young man.
While a well-squished appendage
Is a DEAD living-endage,
It is cowardly to use a bed pan...
--- Grand Prix Lim 465

I woke up this morning quite randy.
Just as hard as that striped Christmas candy.
But my wife wasn't here,
For to handle my gear.
So I just had to use what was handy.
--- Anon

A hermit who lived all alone
Had never been sucked on or blown.
But he fulfilled his need
By spilling his seed
Every time that he sat on the throne.
--- Neal Wilgus P8302A

Theological student Tom Gore
While using his fist for a whore,
Said, "It's no substitute
For a good prostitute,
But I always can come back for more."
--- Big Little Playoy Lims

You're finding no-one understands,
Your wife's run off with your mate Stan,
Your life's full of strife,
Take a gun or a knife...
No, just go and play with your gland.
--- Anon

Come you Brits, to this wonderful site!
Bid your friends come along for delight.
They will sit there for hours
'Til their wanking off sours,
And they wish they'd a girl for the night.
--- Ward Hardman

There once was a man called Carey,
Who definitely was not a fairy.
Masturbation, Yes!
But nothing less
Than a woman could turn on his berry.
--- Larry Rogers

I've not time for a honey. It's prob'
Ably due to my school and my job.
I barely get by,
Which causes me to cry,
So I'm left to buff my own knob.
--- Anon