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Teresa's a glorious name, There are times it gets hard, all alone, There once was a Nantucket dude The son of a stingy old miser For celibates, involuntary, "Although," said his girlfriend to Douglas, A sexual under-achiever, Now I lay me down to masturbate -- Just pity this guy from Decatur, There was a young fellow named Frank, Moaned dateless old bachelor Goff, The doctor said, "Listen young Reuss, There was a young man named Herkin; Jenny Lou from next door came for dinner, It's a shame that your timing's so bad; That premature ejaculation, The dinner was truly a waste The hairdresser Michael J. Crimper, I've given up girls for the hand; When I get a dripping hard bump, He gave in to the doctor's demand; A fellow who tries to becalm Walking down the road one day, There once was a woman named Singer, Said a pimple-faced fellow named Tod, To make love to one's hand's a delight An old hermit, inept at locution, Said the Indian maiden, White Goose, Said a wife to her husband in bed, I've been bashing my bishop today I whanged it and pulled it and beat Cried Mrs. Bates, "Phooey on you! She chanted, "A blowjob, that's fifty!" Oil I have, she said swiftly. You may pluck me (as in pizzicato) A young man who enjoyed the society Whenever I'm feeling a little sick, The lawyer defending Miss Becker "Jack, don't play with girls who are naughty," So now we all know Clay's a chubby; A cataclysmic altercation "Great God!", wailed Peter McGuff, Oh masturbation ain't bad, when alone; Sex Manuals. "Manus"--the hand. There was a young man from the Bronx, I got me some newbie last night. (used new rubber gloves)
The master's been saving up spoo. Beware of the pimp...he's a brute There was a young man from Ukraine, There was a young man named Mirkin, Seems Clay was a little bit bitter; Does he have low expectations? You now just have it quite right; But sometimes conditions dictate The moralist laws are vexation Yesterday I had a hankerin' A streetwalker, working the Strand, I'd like to believe that it's true, Since James caught himself in the can, I woke up this morning quite randy. A hermit who lived all alone Theological student Tom Gore You're finding no-one understands, Come you Brits, to this wonderful site! There once was a man called Carey, I've not time for a honey. It's prob'
Which belongs to a glorious dame.
But it's true what's been said,
She's darned hard to bed,
So I'll stick with my hand all the same.
--- Robert
When I truly am down to the bone.
And though t'would be sweet
To be making ends meet;
I'm just glad to be holding my own.
--- Jerry Nordal
Whose woodie was mongously rude.
While up, he said, "Bitch,
Come and skull my bone itch,
Or I'll Hoover my own amplitude."
--- H Welchel
Couldn't buy any tail, so he'd try, sir,
To fulfill expectation
By slow masturbation,
And now he's a real human geyser.
--- G2712
There are cures, revolutionary.
One old guy, Marden,
Used a hole in his garden.
Did the trick, but was unsanitary.
--- Annie Jay
"Our dates always seem to be hugless,
I know we could work it
Without a short circuit,
If only you'd jerk on your plug less."
--- Pierce Evans
Was persona non grata with beaver.
So he wrote a critique
With a title unique,
"Fifty ways to be Loving your Lever."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9804
I pray you let me elaborate.
I lick and I stroke;
I prod and I poke;
Just like every girl without mate.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
An addict who's truly a satyr:
With hookers he's chummy,
He flogs his own dummy,
And worships his god--the vibrator.
--- Armand Singer
Who was always turning his crank.
He lost a good job
When his wife met Big Bob,
And he has only his habit to thank.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"My love life lies deep in a trough;
I like flexing my pecs
As I mime torrid sex,
But most nights I just jerk myself off."
--- Armand Singer
I always advise self abuse.
You don't have to dress,
There's minimal mess,
And no one begets a papoose.
--- Armand E Singer 40
All day he sat there a-lurking.
And pulling his pud,
Which made him feel good,
'Cause I afraid the old muse wasn't workin'.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And attempted to make me a sinner;
Rubbed her belly on mine
In a way so divine,
That I came, though I never got in her.
--- John Miller
Think of the fun you could've had.
Next time, not so fast,
Practice making it last;
You can bet that that won't make her mad.
--- Kaylin
Was the cause of her consternation.
"It just takes a rub
To wither that nub;
What chance is there for consummation?"
--- Frank Fazed
Because of poor John and his haste.
He vowed next time they meet,
He'd give her a treat,
And both of them would get a taste.
--- Kaylin Brandon
Seduced by a lady, went limper.
She wanted to boff,
But he tossed himself off,
Coming not with a bang but a whimper.
--- Peter J Wilkins
No need for foreplay, that's grand.
Doesn't want to be kissed;
Love is not missed;
No blame for a failure to stand.
--- Anon
And no cushy babe wants to scrump --
No blue balls no more --
I'll wank it for sure,
And say it's good health for my pump.
--- H Welchel
No booze, smokes, or sex, like he'd planned.
But after two days, he
Was going quite crazy,
Until he took himself firmly in hand!
--- Anon
His lust with a fistful of balm,
Seems to share the same fate,
As a guy from Kuwait,
With no dates, who returns to the palm.
--- Bob Giandomenico
I stopped at a whorehose on the way.
I had but a penny,
She said, "You're not getting any!"
So with myself I had to play.
--- Butler Girls TP9802
Who landed herself a hum-dinger.
She started to drool
When she took out his tool,
Saying, "Now I can stop using my finger!"
--- Laurence Craft
"Do you know why I flog my own rod?
You don't get no progeny
From auto-erogeny,
Which is just why I flog it, by God!"
--- Armand E Singer 618
Which no one but one's self does so right.
The mind is at ease
About social disease
And the bother of guests overnight.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8911
Could not achieve sex resolution.
So he thought to resort
To the one handed sport,
But it was not an easy solution.
--- Albin Chaplin
"No like sex but me like self abuse."
If you ask her why
She'll tell you no lie.
"Self abuse many fun, no papoose."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0112
"Let's not screw, I'll give you some head."
He said, "If you suck
The way that you fuck,
I'd rather just jackoff instead."
--- Cudik
In an off-handed manner, they say.
But nothing is sweeter
Or neater when peter's
Enjoying a bloody good lay.
--- Steve
It; the act I just couldn't complete.
Not even a whizz
Or a fizz for my Liz,
Nor a drizzle of jizz from my meat.
--- Anon
You pitch ineffectual woo!
You're so damn little use,
I prefer self-abuse!"
Now Mister Bates masturbates too!
--- Grand Prix Lim 734
But if you are feeling too thrifty,
I'll give you some oil,
You can do all the toil.
To watch you jerk off would be nifty.
--- Faerie
This is file mil
Boil or not, we shall soon see.
Engard and touche,
He started to say...
But she countered "You'll still need that fifty".
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Or make love to me smooth or staccato.
But if you're not in the mood
For an amorous etude,
I'll go off on my own and vibrato!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Of girls to the point of satiety,
Sometimes had half a mind
To leave them behind
And jerk himself off for variety.
--- Isaac Asimov
To cheer up, I write a limerick.
But sometimes I ponder
And actually wonder,
Would I be better off stroking my dick?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
(Whose car had been hit by a wrecker)
Refused to take cash,
So, inside of his Nash,
She paid him by pumping his pecker.
--- Cap'n Bean
Said dad, "or with girls who are haughty."
So Tom sat and thought,
Then did what he ought;
He played with himself and friend Autey.
--- Anon
It explains why he plays with his stubby.
He can't have intercourse,
'Cause he sweats like a horse,
And the hair on his belly feels shrubby.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Demolished their cohabitation.
It's not a solution,
But a poor substitution;
He relies on nocturnal masturbation.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0312
"What the hell is all of this stuff!
She twiddles my prick,
Gets it stiff as a stick,
Then denies me the use of her muff!"
--- G1580
And you won't go blind, studies have shown.
I still have all my lovers,
But if alone under covers,
I do it, but I'd rather get blown!
--- Anon
The hand becomes vagina-land.
A fantasized breast
By left hand caressed
While right hand begins to expand.
--- Irving Superior P9108
Who when offered a piece said, "No thonx."
He said, "I declare,
I prefer solitaire,
And all that I do is just yonx."
--- L1249
It made me feel sixtreen, alright.
The girl was so young,
The rim of her bung
Was far less a brown than a white.
--- H Welchel
He's not spanked it all in the loo.
As B P flies home,
To E's honey-comb,
He'll drip us with pent-up lim goo.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who procures for a vile prostitute...
He entices to vice,
But vice with a price...
Try the self-service sex substitute.
--- Grand Prix Lim 816
Who found out that wanking's a drain.
Keeps pounding the meat;
He's dead on his feet,
But he has too much sex on the brain.
--- Archie
Who kept on ajerkin' his gherkin;
Said his wife to Mirkin,
"Your duty you're shirkin',
That gherkin's for firkin', not jerkin'." (you bastard!)
--- L1318
He was left back at home with the 'sitter;
Logged on his computer,
Thought the 'sitter was cuter,
And made love to his hand in the shitter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He's appeased by prestidigitations.
But legerdemain
Is never the same
As hot, secret-place palpitations.
--- Lucy
A hand job, no matter how tight,
Is not just the same,
And cannot inflame
The passions coitions ignite.
--- TuttaGioia
(And oft if your date has a mate)
That you share what you can,
Though the passion's less than
What that mate, who awaits, will create.
--- TuttaGioia
And lead to the thoes of frustration.
When your hot, throbbing root
Is just begging to shoot,
Thank God there is still masturbation.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
For Nantucket whores but my banker in
My home town called, said "Trav,
Since cash you don't have,
Just stay home and settle for wankerin'."
--- Travis Brasell
Propositioned that tightwad, Durand.
He said, "At that price,
My reply is: No Dice!
My sex needs I have well in hand."
--- Grand Prix Lim 456 G0662
That you don't go blind when you do
The unspeakable deed,
That we all sometimes need.
(I'm typing with one hand, not two.)
--- Dennis Galion
He has been such a timid young man.
While a well-squished appendage
Is a DEAD living-endage,
It is cowardly to use a bed pan...
--- Grand Prix Lim 465
Just as hard as that striped Christmas candy.
But my wife wasn't here,
For to handle my gear.
So I just had to use what was handy.
--- Anon
Had never been sucked on or blown.
But he fulfilled his need
By spilling his seed
Every time that he sat on the throne.
--- Neal Wilgus P8302A
While using his fist for a whore,
Said, "It's no substitute
For a good prostitute,
But I always can come back for more."
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
Your wife's run off with your mate Stan,
Your life's full of strife,
Take a gun or a knife...
No, just go and play with your gland.
--- Anon
Bid your friends come along for delight.
They will sit there for hours
'Til their wanking off sours,
And they wish they'd a girl for the night.
--- Ward Hardman
Who definitely was not a fairy.
Masturbation, Yes!
But nothing less
Than a woman could turn on his berry.
--- Larry Rogers
Ably due to my school and my job.
I barely get by,
Which causes me to cry,
So I'm left to buff my own knob.
--- Anon
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