MORE
I pray this state doesn't last long. When the lady's away, I must yell While sipping a fine glass of claret, As I sat pounding away on my pin, There's a girl whom my passion once fanned, For now, my dear horny boy, A two-timing welcher named Prideaux A poor mother's boy, Stevie Crummy, A bashful young freshman named Rummy My balls are blue; I'm in pain. To my Fan Club, I offer my thanks. As a survey has recently shown, A recluse who lived in Cologne, I'm not married; I still live alone. As one who's eluded the 'banns'; Matthew was really hankering, There is a man named Sands, Paddy bought condoms in a packet; I asked about giving her head, This drink to be drunk is what calms That great Latin lover Jesus There was a poor Spaniard, Jesus, I chase all the girls when I'm spunky; Once Hampton had made his decision, This summer's been not one for braggin'; There was a young fellow called Lloyd When writer's block shows me no mercy, Cried a young whacker off, "I'll be crowned A bumpkin behind Albuquerque A lusty young man named Malone The act upon which some have frowned A soldier named Douglass McDougall, There was a young man of Calcutta, There was a young fellow from Berkeley, There was a bank teller named Sonny, In a laundromat, waiting to rinse, As Sandy taught scales to a Turk, There was a young laddie from Krakow, The girl looked at him, and said "Back off -- A dirty old hermit at leisure, Amidst squealing brakes and horns tooting, There was a young man who supposed There was an old chap from Regina An old masturbator from Thrace The skydiver Daniel McDopp, There was a young man from Havana, The morals of this fellow from France Though to him a great source of elation, There was a young fellow from Rome There once was a man from Fordham, The traffic was backed up a mile, For a job at the sperm bank went Dades; He told his girlfriends to bug off; There once was a queer named Stan An introvert lad named Pierre A little about the Limerick boy: To tit-loving Tim 'tis a treat Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw At the table, a young man named Zobblet At a roadhouse, Ron practiced his hobby, Ron answered, "Your honor, beg pardon! Y'know, back in old western lore, A squire commuting from Kent Her hand in my lap, my wife ought "Just stop that this minute, my son." There was a young sailor named Gasted, There's a man in New York name of Bobby,
Maybe I'll meet a kind girl named Wong,
As sweet as a lime,
But in the meantime,
Would you like to help care for my schlong?
--- Joshua
'Cause the rooster wakes up stiff as hell.
And choking that chicken
Is nothing like stickin'
His head in his favorite well.
--- Sluggo
I considered fucking my parrot.
The bird read my mind,
Said, "Don't touch my behind."
So I settled for cuffing my carrot.
--- Johnboy
A great surge willed up from within.
The parrot marked time,
As I spurted my slime,
And the blast hit me under my chin.
--- Johnboy
From whose boudoir I since have been banned.
Though the passion does surge,
I can master the urge,
If I take myself firmly in hand.
--- Anon
Another you'll have to employ.
If you can't find someone
To take care of your gun,
Just grease up your five-fingered toy.
--- Robyn
Would never pay tarts what he did owe.
And thus it is, latterly,
He reads Lady Chatterley,
And sleeps with the five-fingered widow.
--- G2191
Felt far too much love for his mummy.
When told, for a lad,
Such passion was bad,
He started to flogging his dummy.
--- Armand E Singer 130A
Is lonely and misses his mummy;
He pretends he's in bed
With a naked coed,
And promptly starts floggin his dummy.
--- Armand E Singer 130
In hornus extremis, it's plain
No babes in sight;
One cure for my plight
The four sisters on Thumb Street again.
--- MrMalo
I assure everyone in the ranks
That my old girl's forgotten.
I'll find some new twat, in
Between giving Junior some yanks!
--- Writerman
When a husband is tactlessly prone
To demand wifely thrills,
In the contest of wills,
He may finish just holding his own.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Explained why he lived all alone.
"I have no use for ladies,
They can all go to Hades --
I'm accustomed to holding my own."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2500
And have, since I broke up with Joan.
"But what about sex?
Have any prospects?"
"It's not great, but I'm holding my own."
--- Al Willis P9603
Don't get much, and that's where it stands.
When a random erection
Brings on sheer dejection,
I take matters into my own hands.
--- Ogden Nield
To give the girl bloody good tankering.
He was so very sad,
He bought a sex mag,
And spent all his time just wankering.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose wife refuses his demands
For sex normal or perverted,
So now he has reverted
To taking matters into his own hands
--- Anon
He kept them at hand in his jacket.
His mom threw them out,
Saying, "No girls, you lout!"
But she does let her son Paddy whack it!
--- John K Roberts P9302
But she said to me, "Where is your cred-
it card? Licking me here
Will cost hundreds, my dear."
So I played with my willy instead.
--- Peter Wilkins
The sightless, old skunk beggin' alms.
For now he forgets
All the time he regrets
That he spent with that wench, Rosie Palms.
--- Vinnie TP9804
Was teeming with sexual juice;
When he couldn't find chicks
To provide him with kicks,
He went in for free self-abuse.
--- Armand E Singer 958
Who couldn't afford a papoose,
High-priced orchidectomy,
Much less a vasectomy,
So he took up instead, self-abuse.
--- Armand E Singer 774
A five day a week sexual junky.
I tend not to stray
On Tues- or Wednes- day;
On those nights, I spank my own monkey.
--- Anon
His statement was met with derision.
Addressing the nation,
He claimed Masturbation
Was the thinking man's television.
--- Anon
No hot ones have I been a shaggin'.
I'm often alone
And sportin' a bone,
So I end up a yankin' my dragon.
--- Anon
Who was frequently under-employed
At his regular job,
So he polished his knob
Making customers very annoyed.
--- Peter Wilkins
The method I use to get 'versy'
Is this: I will ponder
Those ewes over yonder,
And jerk-off like hell on my percy!
--- Anon
As the champ when the word gets around.
I've convincingly showed
That I'm first with my load!
I can beat any jerk, pound for pound!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Was discovered while jerking his turkey.
Said he with a grin:
"Some say it's a sin,
But it's better than going berserky!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 338 G2072
Knocked up every girl in Athlone.
Their doom had been fated
When he masturbated
On top of the old Blarney Stone.
--- G1686A
Is the same one that others have found
To be every boy's right --
But when done in plain sight,
Is certainly bound to astound.
--- Norm Storer P9812
Was caught jacking off in his bugle.
Said they of the army,
"We think that you're barmy,"
Said he, "It's the new way to frugle."
--- L1294
Who jerked himself off in the gutter.
But the tropical sun,
Played hell with his gun,
And turned all the cream into butter.
--- L1251
This is file mhl
Who sat with his friends around circly.
At the sound of command,
They all grabbed with one hand
And they got each other off jerkily.
--- Chairman Steve
Whose personal habits were funny.
Every day, without fault,
He'd jerk off in the vault
'Cause he wanted to come into money.
--- Anon
An innocent fellow named Vince
Saw lush Lulu McLean
Screw a washing machine,
And he hasn't been quite the same since!
--- Grand Prix Lim 471
He opened his pants with a smirk.
"My landy!" said Sandy,
"I'll admit it's a dandy,
But you must do your own finger work."
--- Joseph Kesselring P8312
Who sat on a bus with his mack off.
He said to the girl
Who sat next to him, "Shirl,
Do you mind if I sit her and jack off?"
--- Peter Wilkins
There's no need for you to just jack off.
If you'll leave it to me,
I'll help you, you see --
I'll do you from here back to Krakow!"
--- Kaylin
When caught in the act of self pleasure,
Was jailed and then fined,
Had hands tied behind,
Which he thought a DRACONIAN measure.
--- Chris Papa
Some drivers resort to cursing and hooting.
I just masturbate,
While in traffic I wait,
And when I come, it's a drive by shooting.
--- Anon
That his door had been properly closed.
But it opened a crack
While he had a good jack,
And his glory was somewhat exposed.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Who was feeling his tool in a diner.
But he stopped in mid-stroke,
Said: "It's not that it's broke,
It's just that if feel some angina."
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Jacked off with his cock in a race.
As the sperm from it poured,
Like a rocket it soared,
And established a first into space.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1909
Used to masturbate right from the top.
Whenever he fell,
He jerked like hell.
He was good to the very last drop.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who continually played the piana.
'Til once his hand slipped,
And his fly it ripped,
And out slipped a hairy banana.
--- L1277
Has us savages looking askance.
His superior smile
Is a bore after awhile,
And why is his hand in his pants.
--- Grand Prix Lim 33 G2129
Joe's hobby caused others vexation.
He'd sit beating his meat
In a bar on 9th Street,
And attempt to hit Grand Central Station.
--- Michael Weinstain P9804
Who'd preach about, "Sex When Alone."
His joyous oration
On sublime masturbation,
When in church, always got him sent home.
--- Robert Elliot
Who played with his thing out of boredom.
A few who passed
Were completely aghast,
But most folks just simply ignored him.
--- MrMalo
So I shut off my engine a while,
And sat there and wanked.
When finished I thanked
The Fates for an autostroke style.
--- Anon
His experience encompassed all grades.
Said the man at the head,
"There's no more to be said,
You can start as our Jack Off ALL Trades."
--- Albin Chaplin
Betty Jaques is his true better-half.
Bill Gough's full of pride
Over his Christmas bride.
Newpaper head-line - "Jacques-Gough"
--- Ed Wolfert P8211
Who was caught with his dick in hand.
He missed not a beat
Pounding his meat,
And said "Come on boys, join my gay band".
--- Anon
Who played with himself in the square,
Said, "I must confess,
When I come, it's a mess,
But I let it lay there--I don't care."
--- G2185
My penis is my favorite toy.
I sit at the table
And pull on my cable.
Spermatozoa is my pride and joy!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To see Sue, soprano, sing sweet
Cantatas, bust heaving,
And ere he is leaving,
The show, he beats cream from his meat.
--- Anon
Did await the old stage east to Wichita;
And moon-ward, such howling
'Bout wild pussy-prowling!
They wanked and they yanked; rubbed their cocks raw!
--- Anon
Liked to take out his wienie and wobble it.
His mother said, "Urk!
Use the bathroom, you jerk;
I don't want that cream in my goblet."
--- G2235
'Til the ale made him feel quite knobby.
The judge settled matters,
"Ron clean up the splatters!
You can't pull your tool in the lobby!"
--- Douglas Anderson
Not the lobby, but out in the garden!
That's where I spanked Willy;
Don't make me look silly!
I know how to handle my hard-on.
--- Douglas Anderson
When you went to your favorite whore,
Your gun was for fun.
But listen, my son:
Don't "fan" that thing here, indoors!
--- Anon
Recovered the land of content
By committing crimes
In the London Times,
That his journey should not be misspent.
--- Gents Alphabet Book P9512
To worry about getting caught.
"But now that I've started,
I'm going whole-hearted,
And lover, I'm stopping for naught."
--- Jim Thompson
"But why, mom? It's awful good fun."
"For God's sake, you're thirty;
I've told you, young Bertie,
In public it just isn't done."
--- Peter Wilkins
A swell guy, as long as he lasted.
He could jerk himself off,
In a basket aloft,
Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
--- L0298
Who's delight in himself was his hobby.
He rode the lift down,
While "a goin' to town".
He arrived when he came at the lobby.
--- KAMS
MORE