I pray this state doesn't last long.
Maybe I'll meet a kind girl named Wong,
As sweet as a lime,
But in the meantime,
Would you like to help care for my schlong?
--- Joshua

When the lady's away, I must yell
'Cause the rooster wakes up stiff as hell.
And choking that chicken
Is nothing like stickin'
His head in his favorite well.
--- Sluggo

While sipping a fine glass of claret,
I considered fucking my parrot.
The bird read my mind,
Said, "Don't touch my behind."
So I settled for cuffing my carrot.
--- Johnboy

As I sat pounding away on my pin,
A great surge willed up from within.
The parrot marked time,
As I spurted my slime,
And the blast hit me under my chin.
--- Johnboy

There's a girl whom my passion once fanned,
From whose boudoir I since have been banned.
Though the passion does surge,
I can master the urge,
If I take myself firmly in hand.
--- Anon

For now, my dear horny boy,
Another you'll have to employ.
If you can't find someone
To take care of your gun,
Just grease up your five-fingered toy.
--- Robyn

A two-timing welcher named Prideaux
Would never pay tarts what he did owe.
And thus it is, latterly,
He reads Lady Chatterley,
And sleeps with the five-fingered widow.
--- G2191

A poor mother's boy, Stevie Crummy,
Felt far too much love for his mummy.
When told, for a lad,
Such passion was bad,
He started to flogging his dummy.
--- Armand E Singer 130A

A bashful young freshman named Rummy
Is lonely and misses his mummy;
He pretends he's in bed
With a naked coed,
And promptly starts floggin his dummy.
--- Armand E Singer 130

My balls are blue; I'm in pain.
In hornus extremis, it's plain
No babes in sight;
One cure for my plight
The four sisters on Thumb Street again.
--- MrMalo

To my Fan Club, I offer my thanks.
I assure everyone in the ranks
That my old girl's forgotten.
I'll find some new twat, in
Between giving Junior some yanks!
--- Writerman

As a survey has recently shown,
When a husband is tactlessly prone
To demand wifely thrills,
In the contest of wills,
He may finish just holding his own.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

A recluse who lived in Cologne,
Explained why he lived all alone.
"I have no use for ladies,
They can all go to Hades --
I'm accustomed to holding my own."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2500

I'm not married; I still live alone.
And have, since I broke up with Joan.
"But what about sex?
Have any prospects?"
"It's not great, but I'm holding my own."
--- Al Willis P9603

As one who's eluded the 'banns';
Don't get much, and that's where it stands.
When a random erection
Brings on sheer dejection,
I take matters into my own hands.
--- Ogden Nield

Matthew was really hankering,
To give the girl bloody good tankering.
He was so very sad,
He bought a sex mag,
And spent all his time just wankering.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There is a man named Sands,
Whose wife refuses his demands
For sex normal or perverted,
So now he has reverted
To taking matters into his own hands
--- Anon

Paddy bought condoms in a packet;
He kept them at hand in his jacket.
His mom threw them out,
Saying, "No girls, you lout!"
But she does let her son Paddy whack it!
--- John K Roberts P9302

I asked about giving her head,
But she said to me, "Where is your cred-
it card? Licking me here
Will cost hundreds, my dear."
So I played with my willy instead.
--- Peter Wilkins

This drink to be drunk is what calms
The sightless, old skunk beggin' alms.
For now he forgets
All the time he regrets
That he spent with that wench, Rosie Palms.
--- Vinnie TP9804

That great Latin lover Jesus
Was teeming with sexual juice;
When he couldn't find chicks
To provide him with kicks,
He went in for free self-abuse.
--- Armand E Singer 958

There was a poor Spaniard, Jesus,
Who couldn't afford a papoose,
High-priced orchidectomy,
Much less a vasectomy,
So he took up instead, self-abuse.
--- Armand E Singer 774

I chase all the girls when I'm spunky;
A five day a week sexual junky.
I tend not to stray
On Tues- or Wednes- day;
On those nights, I spank my own monkey.
--- Anon

Once Hampton had made his decision,
His statement was met with derision.
Addressing the nation,
He claimed Masturbation
Was the thinking man's television.
--- Anon

This summer's been not one for braggin';
No hot ones have I been a shaggin'.
I'm often alone
And sportin' a bone,
So I end up a yankin' my dragon.
--- Anon

There was a young fellow called Lloyd
Who was frequently under-employed
At his regular job,
So he polished his knob
Making customers very annoyed.
--- Peter Wilkins

When writer's block shows me no mercy,
The method I use to get 'versy'
Is this: I will ponder
Those ewes over yonder,
And jerk-off like hell on my percy!
--- Anon

Cried a young whacker off, "I'll be crowned
As the champ when the word gets around.
I've convincingly showed
That I'm first with my load!
I can beat any jerk, pound for pound!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

A bumpkin behind Albuquerque
Was discovered while jerking his turkey.
Said he with a grin:
"Some say it's a sin,
But it's better than going berserky!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 338 G2072

A lusty young man named Malone
Knocked up every girl in Athlone.
Their doom had been fated
When he masturbated
On top of the old Blarney Stone.
--- G1686A

The act upon which some have frowned
Is the same one that others have found
To be every boy's right --
But when done in plain sight,
Is certainly bound to astound.
--- Norm Storer P9812

A soldier named Douglass McDougall,
Was caught jacking off in his bugle.
Said they of the army,
"We think that you're barmy,"
Said he, "It's the new way to frugle."
--- L1294

There was a young man of Calcutta,
Who jerked himself off in the gutter.
But the tropical sun,
Played hell with his gun,
And turned all the cream into butter.
--- L1251

This is file mhl

There was a young fellow from Berkeley,
Who sat with his friends around circly.
At the sound of command,
They all grabbed with one hand
And they got each other off jerkily.
--- Chairman Steve

There was a bank teller named Sonny,
Whose personal habits were funny.
Every day, without fault,
He'd jerk off in the vault
'Cause he wanted to come into money.
--- Anon

In a laundromat, waiting to rinse,
An innocent fellow named Vince
Saw lush Lulu McLean
Screw a washing machine,
And he hasn't been quite the same since!
--- Grand Prix Lim 471

As Sandy taught scales to a Turk,
He opened his pants with a smirk.
"My landy!" said Sandy,
"I'll admit it's a dandy,
But you must do your own finger work."
--- Joseph Kesselring P8312

There was a young laddie from Krakow,
Who sat on a bus with his mack off.
He said to the girl
Who sat next to him, "Shirl,
Do you mind if I sit her and jack off?"
--- Peter Wilkins

The girl looked at him, and said "Back off --
There's no need for you to just jack off.
If you'll leave it to me,
I'll help you, you see --
I'll do you from here back to Krakow!"
--- Kaylin

A dirty old hermit at leisure,
When caught in the act of self pleasure,
Was jailed and then fined,
Had hands tied behind,
Which he thought a DRACONIAN measure.
--- Chris Papa

Amidst squealing brakes and horns tooting,
Some drivers resort to cursing and hooting.
I just masturbate,
While in traffic I wait,
And when I come, it's a drive by shooting.
--- Anon

There was a young man who supposed
That his door had been properly closed.
But it opened a crack
While he had a good jack,
And his glory was somewhat exposed.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

There was an old chap from Regina
Who was feeling his tool in a diner.
But he stopped in mid-stroke,
Said: "It's not that it's broke,
It's just that if feel some angina."
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

An old masturbator from Thrace
Jacked off with his cock in a race.
As the sperm from it poured,
Like a rocket it soared,
And established a first into space.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1909

The skydiver Daniel McDopp,
Used to masturbate right from the top.
Whenever he fell,
He jerked like hell.
He was good to the very last drop.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young man from Havana,
Who continually played the piana.
'Til once his hand slipped,
And his fly it ripped,
And out slipped a hairy banana.
--- L1277

The morals of this fellow from France
Has us savages looking askance.
His superior smile
Is a bore after awhile,
And why is his hand in his pants.
--- Grand Prix Lim 33 G2129

Though to him a great source of elation,
Joe's hobby caused others vexation.
He'd sit beating his meat
In a bar on 9th Street,
And attempt to hit Grand Central Station.
--- Michael Weinstain P9804

There was a young fellow from Rome
Who'd preach about, "Sex When Alone."
His joyous oration
On sublime masturbation,
When in church, always got him sent home.
--- Robert Elliot

There once was a man from Fordham,
Who played with his thing out of boredom.
A few who passed
Were completely aghast,
But most folks just simply ignored him.
--- MrMalo

The traffic was backed up a mile,
So I shut off my engine a while,
And sat there and wanked.
When finished I thanked
The Fates for an autostroke style.
--- Anon

For a job at the sperm bank went Dades;
His experience encompassed all grades.
Said the man at the head,
"There's no more to be said,
You can start as our Jack Off ALL Trades."
--- Albin Chaplin

He told his girlfriends to bug off;
Betty Jaques is his true better-half.
Bill Gough's full of pride
Over his Christmas bride.
Newpaper head-line - "Jacques-Gough"
--- Ed Wolfert P8211

There once was a queer named Stan
Who was caught with his dick in hand.
He missed not a beat
Pounding his meat,
And said "Come on boys, join my gay band".
--- Anon

An introvert lad named Pierre
Who played with himself in the square,
Said, "I must confess,
When I come, it's a mess,
But I let it lay there--I don't care."
--- G2185

A little about the Limerick boy:
My penis is my favorite toy.
I sit at the table
And pull on my cable.
Spermatozoa is my pride and joy!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

To tit-loving Tim 'tis a treat
To see Sue, soprano, sing sweet
Cantatas, bust heaving,
And ere he is leaving,
The show, he beats cream from his meat.
--- Anon

Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw
Did await the old stage east to Wichita;
And moon-ward, such howling
'Bout wild pussy-prowling!
They wanked and they yanked; rubbed their cocks raw!
--- Anon

At the table, a young man named Zobblet
Liked to take out his wienie and wobble it.
His mother said, "Urk!
Use the bathroom, you jerk;
I don't want that cream in my goblet."
--- G2235

At a roadhouse, Ron practiced his hobby,
'Til the ale made him feel quite knobby.
The judge settled matters,
"Ron clean up the splatters!
You can't pull your tool in the lobby!"
--- Douglas Anderson

Ron answered, "Your honor, beg pardon!
Not the lobby, but out in the garden!
That's where I spanked Willy;
Don't make me look silly!
I know how to handle my hard-on.
--- Douglas Anderson

Y'know, back in old western lore,
When you went to your favorite whore,
Your gun was for fun.
But listen, my son:
Don't "fan" that thing here, indoors!
--- Anon

A squire commuting from Kent
Recovered the land of content
By committing crimes
In the London Times,
That his journey should not be misspent.
--- Gents Alphabet Book P9512

Her hand in my lap, my wife ought
To worry about getting caught.
"But now that I've started,
I'm going whole-hearted,
And lover, I'm stopping for naught."
--- Jim Thompson

"Just stop that this minute, my son."
"But why, mom? It's awful good fun."
"For God's sake, you're thirty;
I've told you, young Bertie,
In public it just isn't done."
--- Peter Wilkins

There was a young sailor named Gasted,
A swell guy, as long as he lasted.
He could jerk himself off,
In a basket aloft,
Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
--- L0298

There's a man in New York name of Bobby,
Who's delight in himself was his hobby.
He rode the lift down,
While "a goin' to town".
He arrived when he came at the lobby.
--- KAMS