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The joy to be had on the phone; The cast of The Kids In The Hall, Said Pee-Wee, "Please don't think me randy. I'd *never* kill off SFA! Otis sat on the dock of the Bay, In China, they call him Wong, A man who once live in Cedar Joe received an engraved invitiation A cheeky young cowpoke named Hank, It's true that I once was a scout This has made me remember Brown Owl; There was a young lady from Lancs, For hours I'd been sat on the loo, Of unstable morals, young Burke, Wanking is tidy and neat, There was a young man of St. Paul's, Maude and Bev saw a show at the Grand. Ah yes, I remember it well. Pulling his pecker while cooking, There was a young man from Dundee In his jet plane, a pilot named Jock, If you'd like to watch me, Jack, From Jack's house, I hear a moan, There once was a man from Beijing, I've tried taking care of my gland A spritely young lady named Joan It's been months since I last did some shaggin'; As I snort on this oxygen tank, My seminal woes are reversed; Your relief-valve is stuck; you can't gush? While WD40's not bad, John Wayne Bobbitt, unfortunate bum, There was a teenager named Fritz, A girl's foot was sufficient for Pete My buddy, Nueromancer, from school, I cautioned him strongly to stop it; Rocking night and day like a retard, It swelled to the size of an onion, There once was a young man from Kent A young man about whom I heard tell, He yanked so much on his willy, The lesson is plain to all wankers, This morning I have in my yard stood Clay was a high school drop-out. St. Valentine must be a fairy, There once was a horny young man, Let us pity a fellow named Heep -- I'm terribly sorry I kissed Ed-- (quelque pew - ??)
At the pub, a man picked up a wog, Old Charles had his toy out and workin' Said an ailing old bachelor named Goff, I think Jack must lay-off his dong; I think that my neighbor is ill; I've just walked back in through my door, Mad Joe had fish in his head. A dairyman's son they called Brock Old Mother Thumb and her five There once was a security guard Little Wu Li from Nanking, There's a nice couch-potato named Frank, Observed a wise teacher named Hood, A mother, distraught, of the South, A girl that I knew in times past, Masturbation, to me, is an art, In the milking machine Father Schwartz Said a newlywed lady named Wright:
You know you are never alone.
Soft whispers and sighs,
Your hand twixt your thighs,
One there for your last frenzied moan.
--- Anon
Likes to fondle with each other's balls.
If you know what I'm saying,
Their fondling and playing,
Resulted in come on the wall!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I was eating my popcorn and candy,
And all on my own,
Toasted George M. Cohan
And...I Yanked My Noodle, It's a Dandy!"
--- Theo Heller P9110
His pipe organ oft made my day.
One night in Caracas,
He shook my maracas
And then, with himself, he did play.
--- Anon
And nothing there was left to say.
So he drank to his health,
And played with himself,
Till the police came and took him away.
--- Cyril Mumford T9801
Who pricked his prick with a prong.
"What a sound!" they did state
As Wong did masturbate;
It replaced the Emperor's gong!
--- John A
Had a job in the yard as a weeder.
He decided to play,
And was fired the next day
For not pulling weeds, but his peter!
--- Lims For Year - 01
To join the Masters of Masturbation.
At his very first meeting,
Before they started beating,
A sandpaper glove for initiation.
--- John Chastaine
Went into the woods with a plank.
For three or four winters,
He suffered from splinters,
But he laughed all the way to the Bank.
--- Kevin Hale
And remember my scout-master shout,
"Time to waggle your woggles!"
(The mind truly boggles.)
No wonder I paid to get out.
--- Anon
How obeying her just made me howl.
Dressed up in brown
Only made me frown;
Good riddance to old Baden Powell.
--- Anon
Who was ace a two-handed wanks.
The boys queued all day
And were oft heard to say,
"Super, fantastic, and thanks."
--- Anon
Engrossed with my didgeridoo;
When who should barge in
But my great Auntie Lynn,
Who I fear copped a faceful of goo.
--- Peter Wilkins
Always sits on a park bench to jerk.
To the idlers in shock,
He waggles his cock,
Saying, "Folks, it's more pleasure than work."
--- G2095
Convenient on foot or a-seat.
But once I passed out
With my wand hanging out,
Awaking, hand stuck to my meat.
--- H Welchel
Possessed the most useless of balls.
Till at last, at the Strand,
He managed a stand,
And tossed himself off in the stalls.
--- L1344
Maude said, "Next to me sits an old man
Who's pulling his worm."
Bev said, "Well, just ignore'm."
"I can't 'cause he's using my hand."
--- Temujin
And Maud knew her craft, I could tell.
And best, down she ducked;
At my climax, she sucked.
No mess! What a wonderful gel.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Made him feel like a golfer who's hooking.
But surprise was his fate,
For while pulling, he ate,
And his whole family just stood there, looking.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who went in a rest room to pee.
There a handsome young stud
Played around with his pud.
My God! How I wish it was me!
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Raced west and was beating the clock.
When the date-line was crossed,
The race it was lost --
So he sat down and beat on his cock.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1870
Go ahead while I give it a whack.
But if I were you,
The first thing I would do,
Is take about fives steps back.
--- Bullwinkle
Then panting, a giggle, a groan;
A desperate cry,
Then a final sigh...
So sad that he's there all alone.
--- Ericka
Who invented a jack-off machine.
He put his prick in it
At a thousand a minute,
And battered his poor balls to cream.
--- Anon
But, it's not enough, don't you understand
When flying solo
My esteem is too low,
And I can't seem to fix this by hand
--- Anon
Invited a lad on the phone
To rush over there,
But he cried in dispair,
"It's too late, I have sinned all alone!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1868
My penis is quite "on the wagon."
A callous or two
Will just have to do.
My left arm now looks rather laggin'.
--- Dudesdead
I nostalgicly reach for my crank;
But I'm older than Sin;
Such a pickle I'm in!
I just can't recollect how to wank!
--- Allen Wolverton
With tugging my todger, I'm cursed.
Unable to come,
My gonads went numb
And now my left testis has burst.
--- SFA
That is without scattering mush?
You need a pipe cleaner
To ream out that weener,
Plus WD40 to flush.
--- Allen Wolverton
There are better cures to be had.
A clogged up pickle
Can be quite fickle;
I suggest penicillin, my lad!
--- Captain Chaos
Is back in his hospital room.
He took physical therapy
A little too seriously;
Now he's got carpal tunnel syndrome.
--- Anon
Who would masturbate looking at tits,
In photos he'd bought,
Until the guy caught
Epilepsy and suffered from fits.
--- A N Wilkins P8701
This is file mgl
To set the guy beating his meat,
And it was this kink
Which caused the great shrink
To label him clearly effete.
--- A N Wilkins P8708
Would fiddle non-stop with his tool.
He thought it real sweet
To beat with his feet;
His eyes would roll up and he'd drool.
--- Taxciter
At least use a come-rag to mop it.
The dorm smelled like spunk,
And toe jelly funk,
From hourly attempts to pop it.
--- Taxciter
He worked up a callous so hard,
One slip of the toe
Soon dealt him a blow
That partially crushed his right nard.
--- Taxciter
And stank like a three-day-old grunion.
Though he killed his right ball,
He still comes when we call,
"Have you any heft left, Deadly Bunion?"
--- Taxciter
Who gave up masturbation for Lent.
His hand never played
Till the Easter Parade,
And millions were drowned when he went. (spent?)
--- G2151
Was pullin' his pud to beat hell.
He'd diddle his thumb
Until it was numb.
And then he'd shoot off with a yell.
--- Dave
He lost circutation, the silly.
Now his penis, no feeling,
He stares at the ceiling.
Doesn't this tale make you all chilly?
--- Dave
Jerkoff and pudding yankers.
If you grip it too hard,
You'll end up in the yard.
And only yourself to thank(ers).
--- Dave
And pondered: "I'll write as a bard should
Throughout the whole weekend,
And hope I've not weakened
My hands from the tug of my hardwood.
--- Anon
On the way to class he'd reroute
To the Seven-Eleven,
To find Playboy heaven;
Chose to flunk while jerking his trout.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The boyfriends he sticks us with--scary!
I now understand
Best to just use your hand,
Even though your palms may get hairy!
--- CB
Who'd masturbate into a can.
He said, with a sigh,
"Now I know why
There's hair on the palm of my hand."
--- Anon
He was spurned by all harlots as cheap.
Then the ultimate blow
Which the Fates could bestow --
When he jacked-off, his hand fell asleep.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2978A
His mind is, I fear, a bit twisted.
I like, 'quelque pew'
Masturbating 'a deux',
But it hurts me to find he's tightfisted.
--- G2390
And fucked her like she was a dog.
'Twas then he confides,
I can't touch the sides;
I'm better off having a flog.
--- Steve Wales
It hard when a voyeur, there lurkin',
Popped out just to scoff,
"Hey, Pops, jerkin' off?"
And Charley replied, "Nope, just jerkin'"
"I've got cancer, plus syph, and a cough.
I am broke, I've no wife,
It's one hell of a life,
But at least I can jack myself off."
--- Armand E Singer 436
It's making him ill and it's wrong.
So you tell that berk
If he has to jerk,
It's better to die at Mahjong.
He's in love with my automobile.
Every morning he'll wank
In the gasoline tank,
For it gives him one helluva thrill.
--- Peter Wilkins
And I've worked all night and I'm sore.
I won't get a screw
So I'll have to make do
With Ma thumb and her fat daughters, four.
--- Tim Fisher
They squirmed and he wished he were dead.
They made him insane,
Those fish in his brain,
So he jacked off all day in his bed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Hooked a milking machine to his cock.
It sucked out his bladder,
And what's even sadder,
His eyeballs wound up in his jock.
--- David Miller
Aren't keeping my sex life alive.
No, here in this land
It's the name of a band
And I never was good at that jive.
--- John Miller
Who had troubles just keeping it hard.
He jerked it off nightly,
And squeezed it tightly,
while looking at his I.D. card.
--- Anon
Was caught red-handed, wanking.
"It's mere a drill, mum.
Not even to come, mum.
But mom thought the lad needed spanking.
--- Mr Blister
And into depression he sank.
He lived on a farm
And had not an arm,
So how is he supposed to wank?
--- Anon
"It doeth a lad little good,
Caught flogging his dummy
To blame it on mummy!
He's sure to be misunderstood."
--- Armand E Singer 840
Warned her masturbatory son Ralph,
"It says in the Psalms
You'll get hair on the palms."
"But Mother, you've none in your mouth!"
--- Anon
Said "All these fool yachties are bast-
Ards. You get no play,
'Cause constantly they
Are playing around with their mast."
--- Anon
For I do love to play with my part.
I still have my sight,
But I'm lonely tonight;
There is no jacking-off for the heart.
--- Dohpaz
Caught his member, the paper reports.
It may take until May
To release him, they say;
There's no shut off at less than two quarts.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9011
"This gross self-abuse is a fright.
I must really repeat
That you can't beat your meat,
And cohabit with me the same night."
--- G2232
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