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I had this advice from my Mum:
Be careful when choosing a chum.
Avoid if you can
Any very short man;
His brains are too close to his bum.
--- John Dole P0111 P9604A

Is it right to make animals fatter,
Just to eat their poor brains once you shatter
Their skulls with some spite?
It's not black and white,
But somewhere between, a gray matter.
--- Hans

I have got good lumps on my head.
Considering having them read,
But they would just say
My brain's in the way.
The truth about my smarts has spread.
--- Marlene Lewis

My head aches so badly, I fear
My brain will fall out of my ear.
Been trying all day,
But can't find a way
To just get my head back in gear.
--- Marlene Lewis

Capt. Jones was a hell of a brawler --
In a fight he could make giants holler.
But the ladies all said
He was no good in bed,
For his head would slip out of his collar.
--- Neal Wilgus P8406

A young man from Utah, named Paul
Had a head several sizes too small.
For the price of a dollar,
He'd loosen his collar,
And show how far down it could fall.
--- Michael Palin

There was an old drunk from Kilblane
Who wandered for miles in the rain.
His hat then did shrink,
Which then made him think,
His head was too small for his brain.
--- David Axton

Your brain's hippocampus in where
The signals inhibiting fear
Originate for
Suppression of your
Amygdala's panicky fear.
--- Nick

"Clean my gelding: his sheath's full of smegma."
It was thus that I often would beg Ma.
She took a good wipe
But he wasn't her type,
And he kicked her right square in the bregma.

(bregma - suture joining point in skull)
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Said a wife to her husband near Scole,
Who'd forgotten to order the coal,
"I knew you'd forget.
You've a head like a net.
Where there isn't a knot there's a hole."
--- Ida Thurtle

Left-handers are often maligned,
But if you research you will find,
The right of the brain
Runs the left of the frame,
And a lefty is in her right mind.
--- Bob Phillips

I seem to have lost it again
Oh well! No matter! But then?
There seems to be a place
Very close to my face,
Where I've seen it just above my chin!
--- Anon

See here! It's a spot called my head
Where my brain seems all lifeless and dead.
So what could have happened
To make my brain sappened,
To the point that it acts just like lead?
--- Anon

An ambitious med-student, named Fred,
Sliced through cranial nerves as he said,
"She was good as a lay,
But for class, today,
I just had to get a head."
--- Ann Gasser P8904

"Ve operate schnell in ze Morgan!"
Said Herr Doktor Werner von Sorgen.
"Ze brain is congested!"
"Oh no," I protested,
"That's my second most favorite organ!"
--- Ogni Gioia

I've implied that you haven't a brain;
You just smiled and you did not complain.
If you're to improve,
It's certain that you've
A need for some legerdemain.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a guy from Spain,
Who couldn't afford a brain.
He hadn't the money
To pay for a dummy --
Mindlessness drove him insane!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An aging bassoonist from Italy
Considered his pate somewhat bitterly;
It's almost as neat as
The dome of St. Peters,
But not rounded off quite so prettily.
--- Ron Rubin

There was a young lady named Baird
Whose hearing was badly impaired,
And whatever you said,
She waggled her head
And answered, "Oh no! I'm too scared."
--- P8210

A certain exec name of Blass,
Always at the head of his class,
Did himself in one day
In a corporate way:
Suffocation by head up the ass.
--- Evelyn L

My brain has been slow as a snail,
So I'm keeping it in a pail,
With plant food and water.
I think this should oughter
Fix up my brain waves without fail.
--- Marlene Lewis

I'm keeping my brain in a bucket.
I think that perhaps with some luck it
Will get nice and clean
And much less obscene.
Then back in my head I will tuck it.
--- Marlene Lewis

I'm unsure of the marvel's specifics,
But the brains of us highly prolifics
Often demonstrate skills
That give others the chills
When they see us compose honorifics.
--- Hugh Clary

I don't know what goes on in my brain
When I'm writing this wort of refrain.
Does this mental dichotomy
Suggest a lobotomy?
Or should I just remain insane.
--- Murphy

You might say "No pain no gain!"
And indulge in removal of brain,
Or wait in the lurch
Until pharma research
Discovers a psychic Rogaine.
--- Pat Powers

Miss Gush taught her girls an old trick
To learn poise; on their heads, a big brick.
To her snobbish assortment,
She brought by deportment
Proud heads borne on necks grossly thick.
--- David A Brooks Q

There once was a high school scholar,
Whose brain grew smaller and smaller.
It grew so small, in fact,
It was hardly intact,
So he sold it to science for a dollar.
--- Anon

There once was a whore in Lahore,
Who'd a surprise for patrons in store.
She collected the head
Of her victims in bed,
To pave a nice path to her door.
--- Dirruk

Once a careless young fellow named Ned
Took a fairy godmother to bed.
But she shriveled his dome
Till he looked like a gnome,
When he begged her for a little head.
--- Jim Maxwell P8303

Dr Watson sought clues in a Datsun.
"It appears, Holmes, this girl had the hots, son.
But was the attack
From the front or the back?"
Sherlock said, "Alimentary, Dear Watson."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8902

There once was a fair young lass
Whose body was made out of glass.
From there you could note
What went into her throat,
And all the way down to her ass.
--- Robert Holtz

'Twas a notion of William Dean Howells
That a man should have ultraclean bowels.
He would swallow pipe cleaners,
The size of small wieners,
With a chaser of pink paper towels.
--- G1401

A man with a mania for owls
Stands in a tree and he howls.
He's been in that tree
Since Nineteen-0-Three
And not once had the use of his bowels.
--- Spike Milligan

This is file lzm

One morning, a hapless young Haitian,
Gulped his keys down, along with his ration.
If you'd like to know
Where then they did go,
Use the process of elimination.
--- Horst Zweibach

Some things in this life are real humbling,
And some things will lead to much grumbling;
At times they're combined,
Like when I have dined,
Then during dessert she starts rumbling!
--- Anon

Eating is so elementary.
The food goes into the entry,
The stomach, the gut,
And heads for the butt,
And this is all alimentary.
--- Al Willis A

"So how are the kiddies?" I said.
And then his face promptly turned red.
He described first his pee
And then his agony.
"I didn't say KIDNEYS," I said.
--- Al Willis P9608

A dethigner who liveth in Fort Thmith
Ith without the equipment to pith,
Generating a debate
On the quo of hith thate,
Namely, ith he a man or a mith?
--- Hugh Oliver A018A

There was a young fellow named Nutz
Who would rut as the pederast ruts.
His physician said, "Solon
There's more in your colon
Than ever got in through your guts."
--- G1025A

An unfortunate fellow named Chase,
Had an ass that was not quite in place.
He showed indignation
When an investigation,
Showed that some people shit through their face.
--- L1601

An elderly couple, the Tampers,
Are not what one calls "happy campers";
Her crotch oozes pee,
His ass drops debris--
Physician to patients: "Use Pampers!"
--- Armand Singer

There was a young lady of Newcastle,
Received a remarkable parcel.
In a box with three locks,
Were two cocks with the pox,
And a quim, and the brim of an arsehole.
--- Anon

The intestines of Dante Rossetti
Were exceedingly fragile and petty.
All he could eat
Was finely chopped meat,
And all he could shit was spaghetti.
--- L0736

Home remedies failed Uncle Jack,
Whose control of his functions had lack.
One could tell his mischance
By the state of his pants,
Yellow stains in the front, brown in back.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9107

It's little and round and it's pinker,
And, oh boy, it's really a stinker.
It is the muscle
Below your bustle.
That's right, you know, it is your sphincter.
--- Anon

There was a young fellow of Buckingham,
Wrote a treatise on cunts and on fucking 'em;
But later this work
Was eclipsed by a Turk
Wrote a opus on ass-holes and sucking 'em.

(Published 1879)
--- L0388

There was a fruit peddler of Buckingham
Who wrote about quinces and sucking 'em.
But later this work
Was eclipsed by a Turk
With a treatise on apples and plucking 'em.
--- Albin Chaplin Appeal 1656

There was an old film star called Max,
Who had a false nose made of wax.
His cheekbones were plastic;
His eyebrows, elastic,
And his hairpiece was held on by tacks.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

The faces of some girls have dimples,
But Marge's is covered with pimples.
But me being blind,
I really don't mind,
'Cause reading her face I find simple.
--- Anon

Whenever our Margie get's hot,
Her visage produces more spots,
Which tells me today
I might have it away,
And I show her just what I have got.
--- Anon

It's okay that Celts had a blue face,
But it weren't in the scrotal space,
Which would have, no doubt,
Surely wiped out
That very remarkable race.
--- Anon

Now lots have cerulean eyes,
And fair epidermis, likewise.
Then sun does its deed,
And most of them need
Dermatologists, when cancers arise.
--- Anon

I suspect that they used color blue
To efface the roseate hue.
More damage that's done
From rays of the sun,
Which distorts the noses, a few.
--- Anon

If a make-up gal you would seek,
To conceal damage that rays wreak,
She'll hide crimson scene
'Neath transparent green.
'Tis physics of which I now speak.
--- Anon

A glass-blower, checking for leaks,
That he knew had existed for weeks,
Was filled with despair
When he found that the air
Was escaping through holes in his cheeks.
--- Lims Unlimited

The chin was meant to give trouble,
Either pimples or dimples or stubble,
Though some have the gall
To grow not at all,
While others come triple and double.
--- A Euwer

There are those who look fair with the dimple,
And others who look simply simple.
Some say 'tis a whimlet
Of Dame Nature's gimlet
Or it may be an inverted pimple.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708

So maybe I'll duct tape my cheeks
To my ears for a couple of weeks;
And my eyelids I'll tape
To improve on their shape.
Yes, I guess I could use a few tweaks.
--- Anon

By contorting the face epidermis,
Or skin, or whatever the term is,
We express or display
Pride, joy or dismay --
The expression's whatever the squirm is.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708

Angel, a diminutive jockey,
Discovered his face to be pocky;
So he went to the doc,
Who imparted a shock --
It resulted from flying horse hockey.
--- LaDonna Jones P8503

There was a young girl of Messleuch
Whose statements were often untrue.
When they said, "Are you hot?"
She replied, "No I'm not;
What you see on my face is the dew."
--- Rudyard Kipling P8903

A middle-aged man, upper class,
Got a facelift from a doctor so crass.
The result was most horrid,
With balls on his forehead,
And eyeballs poking out of his ass.

(must be brother to the ape buggerer - McW)
--- Tom Patton P9503

There was a young woman called Trace,
Who had freckles all over her face.
She hated it when
Friends got out their pen,
And had a 'join the dots' race.
--- P Copeman

Said young Marvin, "I'm for quid pro quo,
So a sum to my girl I'll bestow.
Since her cunt has no wear
There's no need for repair --
It's to rebuild her lips like nouveau. "
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0308

For reasons obscure and unclear,
I can't put my nose in my ear.
But if I succeed,
I'll be happy indeed,
For I'll finally have a career.
--- Anon

If I could just kiss my own nose,
I'd have a career, I suppose.
But the Christian right wing,
Would frown on the thing;
For safety, I'll just kiss my toes.
--- Anon

An unhappy chap from Montrose
Had cheeks that flamed red like a rose.
He said: "They're all right
To see by at night,
But the moths will all crawl up my nose."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1


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