Said the artist, "All holes is my sculpture, Loudly the birds in the trees They whistle and chirrup and squawk, I'll rig up a jet-powered cat Next Sunday at four in the morn My cat launcher's ready today, I'm holding my breath as I wait They're flapping around in the trees Set light to the fuse. What a Crash! They're gnashing their teeth and their jaws Exploring I went, so ambitious; That wasn't the last one, you know, A pupil I had in Grade Three, Oh Teacher, I know that you're smart The answer is, sometimes on cars. So perhaps it's the orbiting birds The cormorant sits on the crags; Then mister, you must join the queue; There's a bird in the chimney, it seems, Well Socks, I know well your chagrin They fly; they so gracefully soar -- Collisions with cars, trucks and trains, On the roadside I saw a dead skunk; I can't comprehend how you feel; When it comes to the hunting of snipe, On one trip, my wife and Girl Scouts, With his pecker, he pounded the hole; The pecker must use his whole head, "Buy that one--the prize of the year!" An amourous bull known as Morton, When the cows spied the bull in erection A bull was in a china shop An old farmer from County Kildare,
This is file lzk
The brockle-faced cow had a fit A buffalo weary of grass, The buffalo mom had a price on A bull was observing a farmer An athletic young lady of Clewer Although we may think they're just tights, Quoth a cow in the marshes of Glynne, There was a young lady named Foster, There was a young bull they called Treadwell At a bullfight in sunny Madrid, That bull is getting so randy! I may have to resort to castration, While there in his stall to be fed, "I'll soon have his balls off," says he. In the kitchen the vet did the cooking; A limerick writer named Geezer The farmers of distant Bombay Once a young man from the city, My cows stand in all kinds of weather Now this has started me thinking, Since he down to thinking is prone, Poor Farmer Giles is dead; A howling mad cow down from Leeds A local boy shouted "El Toro!" Timmy, a Tibetan yak, There was a young lady of Glost, A foolish old farmer called Brow, A woman named Mary McGowen, This farmer's daughter teaches how If charging clowns lead you to boredom, It would be nice to create A farmer once named a cow Zephyr; Thunder-storms can be a big killer, A French country sign is writ large
And one of them's shaped like a vulture.
A vulture of air --
He'll cling to your hair,
The swallow you down in one gulpture.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Deliberately twitter to tease
Me awake before dawn,
Though I frequently warn
Them to cease if they value their knees.
--- Anon
As around one another they stalk
And go strutting their stuff.
I've had more than enough,
So it's time for more action than talk.
--- Anon
Launcher; stuff it with pussy cats that
Are acutely pernicious-
Ly, horribly vicious
And aren't in the slightest bit fat.
--- Anon
(And disguised as a part of the lawn)
I shall aim for the trees
And fire cats at the knees
Of those birds as they twitter at dawn.
--- Anon
Stuffed with pussy cats hissing away.
They have razor sharp claws
And incisor filled jaws,
And they're eager to join the affray.
--- Anon
With my heart full of avian hate;
For those birdies are rauc-
Ously screeching and squawk-
Ing and soon they'll be meeting their fate.
--- Anon
And creating a helluva breeze.
Now the pussy cats glare
With a venomous stare,
As I aim for those avian knees.
--- Anon
And a Bang! As those pussy cats dash
Past my eyes at a rate
Of a hundred and eight
Miles an hour -- a furious flash.
--- Anon
And extending their razor sharp claws
As they aim for ... Oh blast
It! Too high and too fast!
Now they've landed next door on all fours.
--- Anon
And I found on the Isle of Mauritius,
A strange flightless bird,
That looked so absurd.
I ate the thing -- tasted delicious.
--- Tiddy Ogg
For if close to the sea you did go,
You'd have found you an egg,
(It's mum called it Peg.)
It made a nice omelette -- I'd know!
--- Gabrielle Hannah
Once asked me, "Do little birds pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"I know that they shit,
'Cause look what just happened to me!"
--- Barbara Tepper
In science and music and art.
But you don't have a clue
About bird-pee and poo;
But tell me, do birds ever fart?
--- Barbara Tepper
I once fed some gulls from some jars
Of seltzer and shad.
Some blew up on the pad,
Some took off like rockets for Mars.
--- H Welchel
Full of shad and seltzer-fueled turds,
That on every flyby
Causes servers to fry,
And stupidity spout forth from nerds...
--- F Ormatsee
The guillemot on rocky jags.
The puffin and chough,
Too, like places rough,
But all that I'm after are shags.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Of shags there are preciously few.
There be boobies galore,
But their nipples are sore
And I really don't like the curlew.
--- Frank
But it's one that the EPA deems
Illegal to move
Because it can prove
That this species no longer teems.
--- Peter Gardner
For having that bird move right in;
It happened to me
In seventy-three,
And still roosting, here's my old hen.
--- Travis Brasell
Like a dance and I call out for more.
But up close those old turkey
Buzzards make my eyes murky,
As they feast on some road-kill galore.
--- Hilda
Give many poor creatures great pains.
Though buzzards aren't pleasant,
If they were not present,
Who else would clear up the remains?
--- Tiddy Ogg
To the vultures and magpies, 'twas junk;
On the roadside it stays;
All those road-kill gourmets
Love road pizza, but this morsel stunk!
--- Allen Wolverton
Why, the tone of your lim is unreal!
While there's sun-ripened meat
Lying right at your feet,
You would pass up a lovely hot meal?
--- John Miller
The real one's the least chosen type.
The one with the bag
'S an unpopular slag
Who gets left there until he gets ripe.
--- Hilde na Beag
For snipe for lunch they sent out.
The had lots of fun
But came back with none.
The pizza was greeted with shouts.
--- Hilde na Beag
For his size, one would think he'd console
His mate who was rating
Each peck in her waiting,
From her perch at the top of the pole.
--- Anon
Even when all the pecker turns red.
His mate keeps stammering
But he keeps hammering;
It's a wonder the pecker's not dead!
--- Anon
Thus whispered a voice in my ear.
But later I frowned.
The beast was not sound.
I'd been given, I found, a bum steer!
--- Laurence Perrine P9409
Was arrested for stampin' and snortin'.
When released from his cell
He was madder than hell,
For the season had passed for cavortin'.
--- Cyber Geezer
They observed, with soft moos of affection:
"Bulls are sure heifer shockers--
Get a load of them knockers!
They hang to the ground in perfection."
--- Grand Prix Lim 213 G1231
And made the shopkeeper blow his top,
For this giant wild bison
Was breaking the Meissen,
And no one there could make it stop.
--- Anon
Had a cow that he showed at the fair.
To quench his big thirst,
When the beast gained a first,
Took five gallons of beer for the pair!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
When her calf caught hold of a tit.
"Oh, surely this tot'll
Survive on the bottle,"
She said, "Not on me, 'cause I quit!"
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Fancied eating ice cream, but alas,
Very much to his ire,
His only supplier
Refused his American Exprass.
--- Ryan Waldron
Her head. Her fear it was risin'.
The shot arrow was true;
Cut her heart right in two.
To her offspring she said, "Good bi-son."
--- Kirk Miller
Put his arm up a cow--out to harm her?
In defense of the cow,
The bull charged, and how!
For undies, the man now wears armor.
--- Actaeon
Once incited a bull to pursue her;
But she vaulted the gate
Just a fraction too late;
Now when she sits down she says: "Oo-er!"
--- Explosion of Lims P0211
To him they are his 'suit of lights'.
And they can get torn
If he gets the horn,
Performing an old pagan rite.
--- Archie
"All the world is divine, even sin!
As a natural creature,
I worship all nature,
But most when the bullrush is in.
--- Conrad Aiken
Whose parents both thought they had lost her,
Until in an oak,
They saw her red clcoak,
Wher the horns of a bull must have tossed her!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who snorted, but couldn't see red well.
After running around
And pawing the ground,
He was stabbed, and they say that he bled well.
--- William K Alsop P8910
A tourist went clean off his lid.
He made straight for the bull,
While the crowd yelled, "The fool
Will go home on a slab!"--and he did.
--- Out on a Limerick P0503
He'll boff anything that is handy.
The horses and sheep
Are afraid now to sleep.
And the nanny goat's going all bandy.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To relieve all his bovine frustration.
Though the cut may be cruel,
His ardor will cool.
I'll rely on the vet's ministration.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The vet said: "Now Tids, hold him stead-
y, I'll anesthetise
Him right 'twixt his thighs."
The poor beast's eyes rolled in his head.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With a slit and a chop they were free.
"Now put on the pan
As fast as you can.
I like son-of-a-bitch stew for my tea.
--- Tiddy Ogg
When he ate them I couldn't face looking.
"Come have a taste,"
Said he, but in haste
I'd left, and was heavily puking.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was arrested for writing a teaser.
He opined as how
A bull, spotting a cow,
Checks the date before trying to seize her.
--- Cyber Geezer
Feed coffee to cattle in hay;
If a cow catches cold,
They bring out a mold
And milk her for chocolate frappe.
--- Glimmerick Book P9009
Wanted to milk a cow's titty.
Though he squeezed and he stroked,
Barely a pint was provoked!
Seems the "cow" was a bull, what a pity.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And graze on alfalfa and heather;
I'm filled with great pride
To think that their hide
Is able to hold them together.
--- Travis Brasell
Skin can change jobs in a twinkling.
Keeps dry from rain spout,
But lets the sweat out,
And all of that done without shrinking.
--- Tony Burrell
Perhaps when he gets all alone,
He'll ponder the magic
That makes it not tragic,
When skin stretches fully sans bone.
--- Travis Brasell
The services held; prayers all said.
He just didn't know
How fast small bulls can grow.
Fancy dying his overalls red!
--- Anon
Insane 'cause of industry's greeds,
Lives a life that is dull;
Never once sees a bull,
But on their cadavers she feeds.
--- Snaggletoth
It ended for him in great sorrow.
The bull's mood was bad
And he charged. The lad
Was butted half-way to tomorrow.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Searched the snowdrifts in vain for a snack.
"This climate's so frigid
It makes me quite rigid.
Eureka! I found a Big Mac!"
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9306
Whose friends quite thought they had lost,
When her handbag they spied
Coming back from a ride,
On the horns of a bull that had tossed.
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Gummed feathers all over a cow.
He said, "Go and sing,
You stupid great thing!
Don't you know you're a dicky-bird now?"
--- Edward O'Neil
Once said to her old husband, "How in
The world can I wear
My new hat to the fair,
If you've used it for milking the cow in?"
--- Anon
With expertise to milk a cow.
She takes your cock in hand...
A squeeze...release... and...
I'll graduate next month, not now.
--- Irving Superior P9011
And matadors gripe when you gore them,
Consider a change --
Try life on the range!
And if cowboys show up, just ignore them.
--- Paul M Hoffman
A bull you need not castrate.
With no effort at all,
He'd give you his balls,
And you would leave him intestate.
--- John B T9801
She seemed such an amiable heifer.
But when he drew near,
She kicked off his ear,
Which made him considerably deafer.
--- Gwen Grosley P9202
Of cows and the Texan oil-driller;
And some little bird
Told me a whole herd,
Were killed by a 'bolt' from John Miller.
--- Q
With, "This field is farmed by Lefarge.
There's a stile by the tree --
You can cross here for free --
But our four longhorn bulls often charge."
--- H Myers TP9804