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There once was a young man of Dunbarton There once was a young man from Hyatt, A young trick-or-treater named Bertie There was a young man from Chicago, There once was a girl from the pits, A truth which has prevailed through the years, A handsome young fellow called Frears Pull back your gold tresses, my dear. No Jasper, I'm truly afraid! There was a young lady named Brock Every cow in the country says moo, Two brothers who live in the Bronx A couple of deaf-mutes were wed I'm quite deaf, which my friends find distressing; A woman named Caroline Weir What you say, just isn't it; The public should not be subjected A swanky young man of Tangier There was a young man at the War Office, To a weepy young woman in Thrums, Now the ears, so I always had thunk, A man with his ears full of wax, There was an old woman whose ears A farmer who lived in Algiers, I am deaf to a floorboard that's squeaking, A hearing-impaired gal named Skeeter, There was a young lady named Greer On board on an old sailing lugger, "In Virgo, a girl," said the Skipper, "But Jimmy set off with no fears, "I knew her abyss was so large, Said a very outspoken lass, There once was a husband named Phil I see, but as long as you're here An anthropologist named Hassis, There once was a bloody-mouthed ass On a bus, two deaf gals dressed in pink. Lots of kinky people I see, To make holes in girls' ears, Mrs Reames, There once was a cutie named Sunny A trucker from old Tennessee I once met a man they called Job, "Excuse me," said the boy from Belize, There was a young lady of Blacksea, Ramona Elizabeth Beers After surgery, I was ecstatic! There once was a woman called Fay There's a dim-witted woman in Kent The model in my magazine A poet who lived in a flat A fellow as blind as a bat Dave Blunkett is one of a kind, The mohel just couldn't decide Said the color blind Robert McKay, Vascillators will know what I mean Stella is known for her eyes; In the eyes all the blues of the skies are, There was a young lady whose eyes (thighs?) There was a young lady of Flint, (And the other on his navel lint.
An unlucky couple named Whitehead There once was a woman called Doris I bought glasses to put on my face, A cross-eyed man dined out in Whextable, I sit here and listen to Smetna If we were all made to be blind, You've all heard of Larry O'Toole,
Who thought he could run like a Spartan.
On the thirty-ninth lap,
His braces went SNAP
And his face went a red Scottish tartan.
--- Tom Davie P9712
Whose voice was exceedingly quiet.
And then one day
It just faded away...
.....
--- Anon
Never washed and preferred to be dirty.
Then one Halloween
He scrubbed his face clean,
And nobody knew it was Bertie.
--- Molly Manley P9705
Who wanted to see a buzz-saw go.
But the guy put his face
Too close to the place,
And the doctor asked, "Where did his jaw go?"
--- Mrs Louise Conrad P9304
Who drooled upon squeezing her zits.
She popped one real loud,
And Boy! was she proud,
As it slid down between her tits.
--- Jim
And confirms advice givers' worst fears
Is, they're not endearing
Because at last hearing,
"Good advice always falls on deaf ears."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9606
Was attracted to girls by their ears.
He'd traverse the globe
For a really nice lobe,
And the sight would reduce him to tears.
--- Michael Palin
That's better, the way now is clear.
I stand with my gland
In my hand, feeling grand;
Now I'll just shoot my wad in your ear.
--- Anon
I've heard tales from other young maids,
Of men's predilection.
Please don some protection,
Or else I may catch hearing aids.
--- Anon
Whose ears were as big as a crock;
With one she could hear
The fizz in her beer,
While the other one listened to Bach.
--- Lims Unlimited
A sound that's familiar to you,
But to me it sounds more
Like UmmmmmmmmmmmmBRORE!
Which shows what bad hearing can do.
--- Limber Limericks
Have prominent ears and big conx.
When they walk down the street
Every cabbie they meet
Derides their appearance with honx.
--- John Dole P9705
And the guy signed instructions for bed:
"If it's sex that you wants,
Please stroke my cock once,
But if not, make it fifty instead."
--- Don Moore P0408
Modern rock, for one thing, leaves me guessing.
But be of good cheer,
From what little I hear,
I count missing the rest, quite a blessing.
--- John Miller 0071
Stuffed a measure of dirt in each ear;
They were planted with sod,
And they looked rather odd,
And they left her unable to hear.
--- Cap'n Bean P0408
You could be whispering shit
Into my ear.
Whatever my dear,
I don't care one little bit.
--- Anon
To speeches, unless they're protected
And their ears are both bound
And impervious to sound,
Lest their brains become badly infected.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2807
Wore an earring in one handsome ear.
Then his girl gave a tug
At that ring in his lug,
And now he is lobeless, I fear.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Whose brain was no good as a store office.
Every warning severe
Just went in one ear
And out at the opposite orifice.
--- J W Churton
Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
Of allowing your tears
To fall into my ears--
I think they have rotted the drums."
--- Edward Gorey
Should bear sounds to the top of the trunk.
But from here I observe
They seem merely to serve
As racks for the jewelry-mans junk.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708
Was immune to all verbal attacks.
He should have been mad
To be called a damn cad,
But all that he did was relax.
--- Robin Maylett
Grew twice as big over the years.
Bees and flies flew inside
Because it was so wide,
And buzzed until she was in tears!
--- IOPE
Who planted some corn in his ears.
When the temperature rose,
He leapt to his toes;
Now popping is all that he hears.
--- Vicky Jackson
Or a gutter that's dripping and leaking,
But my hearing's as keen
As it ever has been,
When my elbow- and knee-joints are creaking.
--- Limber Limericks
Was asked to play follow-the-leader.
That day in the schoolyard,
She sucked every tool hard --
She thought we'd said swallow the peter.
--- Jon Gearhart
Whose method of fucking was queer.
If you asked for a whack
At her front or her back,
She would smile and would turn a deaf ear.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0703
With no cabin boy for to bugger,
The captain relates
This tale to his mates,
Of big-eared Jim Smith, they called Jugger.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"Stood waiting, and Jim said he'd slip her
A length. We said "No!
The cunt on that ho,
It smelled like a ten-day old kipper."
--- Tiddy Ogg
But alas, it all ended in tears;
For Jim gave her head,
And got stuck (so he said);
We pulled the fool out by the ears."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Could have taken a full-loaded barge.
So if there you cruise,
You wear your snow shoes,
If ever you give her a charge."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who likes to abuse and harass,
"My dear, your ears
Have been growing for years,
And you're getting to look like an ass."
--- Anon
Whose hearing, quite gladly, was nil.
For his wife was a bitch
With a voice like a witch,
And her screams were annoyingly shrill.
--- Cap'n Bean P0408
This is file lym
One thing is not really clear
Oh girl of these ditties
With double dee titties,
How is it your muff's in your ear?
--- Anon
"When contact lenses reach the masses,
In say ten thousand years,
Man will not need ears,
The place now used for hanging glasses.
--- Irving Superior P8808
Who listened and lost, for alas,
He was told that he oughter
Drink eight glasses of water,
But he heard it all wrong and ate glass.
--- Don Moore P0511Q
The first said, "Wembley is next, I think."
The second said, "My dear
It is Thursday, I fear."
The response, "I am too! Let's go drink!"
--- Tom Patton P0408
And to each his own, I agree --
But the things that they pierce
Must hurt something fierce!
Pierced ears are enough for me.
--- Kaylin
A beautician, has singular schemes.
She does not stick their ears
With needles. For years
She has used only ear-piercing screams.
--- Attic Salt P0509
Whose ears were so long, it was funny.
But don't moan her fate
For the girl's doing great --
She's a key club's most popular bunny!
--- Mary Rita Hurley
Went deaf, so the doctor did see.
The doc said, "Oh dear,
Don't clean out your ear
Like that," and removed his truck key.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Made an earring from a heavy globe.
Now, isn't that queer?
A globe in his ear?
He now has aa twenty-foot lobe.
--- Shiela Lark
"But I think I am going to sneeze.
I've got wax in my ears,
Which brings me to tears,
And it's going to blow out in the breeze."
--- Mike O'Conner
Whose ears were tremendously waxy.
A suitor most fine
Shouted, "Wilt thou be mine?"
But she thought he was hailing a taxi.
--- Anon
Developed a rot in her ears;
Then she withered away
In a horrid decay,
After living some seventy years.
--- Cap'n Bean P0107
My eyesight's no longer erratic.
The doctors all say
"Throw your glasses away.
It's clear you're now anastigmatic."
--- Chris Strolin
Who chomped down six carrots a day.
She believed the remark
That she'd "see in the dark,"
Though she was blind as a bat in the day.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Who never knew which way she went,
So to straighten her mind,
She kept looking behind,
And now it's her vision that's bent.
--- Alsops Foibles
Had the biggest pair I'd ever seen.
So perfectly round,
They did me astound --
Those two eyes were so big and green.
--- Anon
Was three times as blind as a bat:
When he put on his glasses
To read Pippa Passes,
He just saw the brim of his hat.
--- Lims Unlimited
Before strolling, he reached for his hat,
Then he went for his walk,
Causing many to gawk,
For on top of his head was his cat.
--- Cap'n Bean P0411
But one thing that puzzles my mind;
You don't need to be very
Smart to secretary,
But how does he type if he's blind?
--- Alexander Baron
"But my babe has no eyelids!" mom cried.
So he snipped while she bitched,
Then the doc neatly stitched,
And that's why the boy is cockeyed.
--- Anon A
"If you would, try to see it my way.
Though I'll tell you I've seen
Every red and each green,
I perceive them as mere shades of grey."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0207
Since I don't know just which way to lean.
I've been told that I might
See things as black or white
But the truth lies somewhere in between.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0207
They are not quite the same size.
So small is the right,
It won't admit light,
While the left's like the moon on the rise.
--- Macsam
And how varied the sizes of eyes are --
Why they come, some so small,
You scarce see them at all,
While others are big round as pies are.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708
Were unique as to color and size.
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside
And started away in surprise.
--- Edward Leer
Who had a most horrible squint.
She could scan the whole sky
With her uppermost eye,
While the other was reading small print.
--- Anon
Gave birth to a boy who was blighted.
Even young he was wise,
But he'd two sets of eyes.
Folks chortled, "The poor kid's foursighted."
--- Armand Singer
Who married a pervert named Boris.
A glass eye she had,
And sometimes when they shag,
She'll take it out for one more orifice.
--- Anon
And it's true that they look out of place.
But they help me see better
When I'm writing a letter,
Or counting from uno to tres.
--- Mark A Smeby
And said "As for food, I am flextable."
But he very soon got
In a helluva knot,
When he tried to eat food from the nextable.
--- Joe Guerin
Awaiting the agent from Aetna.
I enjoyed the eclipse
Though my optometrist
Says I've burned a large hole in one retina.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9406
Our sight, we would suddenly find;
We'd learn to look past
Our looks and our class;
And we'd all be a little more kind.
--- C F Mahan TP9901
Of the beautiful town of Drumboole;
He had but one eye
To Ogle you by,
Oh murther, but that was a jewel!
--- W H Thackeray 1899 Bibby
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