There once was a young man of Dunbarton
Who thought he could run like a Spartan.
On the thirty-ninth lap,
His braces went SNAP
And his face went a red Scottish tartan.
--- Tom Davie P9712

There once was a young man from Hyatt,
Whose voice was exceedingly quiet.
And then one day
It just faded away...
--- Anon

A young trick-or-treater named Bertie
Never washed and preferred to be dirty.
Then one Halloween
He scrubbed his face clean,
And nobody knew it was Bertie.
--- Molly Manley P9705

There was a young man from Chicago,
Who wanted to see a buzz-saw go.
But the guy put his face
Too close to the place,
And the doctor asked, "Where did his jaw go?"
--- Mrs Louise Conrad P9304

There once was a girl from the pits,
Who drooled upon squeezing her zits.
She popped one real loud,
And Boy! was she proud,
As it slid down between her tits.
--- Jim

A truth which has prevailed through the years,
And confirms advice givers' worst fears
Is, they're not endearing
Because at last hearing,
"Good advice always falls on deaf ears."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9606

A handsome young fellow called Frears
Was attracted to girls by their ears.
He'd traverse the globe
For a really nice lobe,
And the sight would reduce him to tears.
--- Michael Palin

Pull back your gold tresses, my dear.
That's better, the way now is clear.
I stand with my gland
In my hand, feeling grand;
Now I'll just shoot my wad in your ear.
--- Anon

No Jasper, I'm truly afraid!
I've heard tales from other young maids,
Of men's predilection.
Please don some protection,
Or else I may catch hearing aids.
--- Anon

There was a young lady named Brock
Whose ears were as big as a crock;
With one she could hear
The fizz in her beer,
While the other one listened to Bach.
--- Lims Unlimited

Every cow in the country says moo,
A sound that's familiar to you,
But to me it sounds more
Like UmmmmmmmmmmmmBRORE!
Which shows what bad hearing can do.
--- Limber Limericks

Two brothers who live in the Bronx
Have prominent ears and big conx.
When they walk down the street
Every cabbie they meet
Derides their appearance with honx.
--- John Dole P9705

A couple of deaf-mutes were wed
And the guy signed instructions for bed:
"If it's sex that you wants,
Please stroke my cock once,
But if not, make it fifty instead."
--- Don Moore P0408

I'm quite deaf, which my friends find distressing;
Modern rock, for one thing, leaves me guessing.
But be of good cheer,
From what little I hear,
I count missing the rest, quite a blessing.
--- John Miller 0071

A woman named Caroline Weir
Stuffed a measure of dirt in each ear;
They were planted with sod,
And they looked rather odd,
And they left her unable to hear.
--- Cap'n Bean P0408

What you say, just isn't it;
You could be whispering shit
Into my ear.
Whatever my dear,
I don't care one little bit.
--- Anon

The public should not be subjected
To speeches, unless they're protected
And their ears are both bound
And impervious to sound,
Lest their brains become badly infected.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2807

A swanky young man of Tangier
Wore an earring in one handsome ear.
Then his girl gave a tug
At that ring in his lug,
And now he is lobeless, I fear.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

There was a young man at the War Office,
Whose brain was no good as a store office.
Every warning severe
Just went in one ear
And out at the opposite orifice.
--- J W Churton

To a weepy young woman in Thrums,
Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
Of allowing your tears
To fall into my ears--
I think they have rotted the drums."
--- Edward Gorey

Now the ears, so I always had thunk,
Should bear sounds to the top of the trunk.
But from here I observe
They seem merely to serve
As racks for the jewelry-mans junk.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708

A man with his ears full of wax,
Was immune to all verbal attacks.
He should have been mad
To be called a damn cad,
But all that he did was relax.
--- Robin Maylett

There was an old woman whose ears
Grew twice as big over the years.
Bees and flies flew inside
Because it was so wide,
And buzzed until she was in tears!
--- IOPE

A farmer who lived in Algiers,
Who planted some corn in his ears.
When the temperature rose,
He leapt to his toes;
Now popping is all that he hears.
--- Vicky Jackson

I am deaf to a floorboard that's squeaking,
Or a gutter that's dripping and leaking,
But my hearing's as keen
As it ever has been,
When my elbow- and knee-joints are creaking.
--- Limber Limericks

A hearing-impaired gal named Skeeter,
Was asked to play follow-the-leader.
That day in the schoolyard,
She sucked every tool hard --
She thought we'd said swallow the peter.
--- Jon Gearhart

There was a young lady named Greer
Whose method of fucking was queer.
If you asked for a whack
At her front or her back,
She would smile and would turn a deaf ear.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0703

On board on an old sailing lugger,
With no cabin boy for to bugger,
The captain relates
This tale to his mates,
Of big-eared Jim Smith, they called Jugger.
--- Tiddy Ogg

"In Virgo, a girl," said the Skipper,
"Stood waiting, and Jim said he'd slip her
A length. We said "No!
The cunt on that ho,
It smelled like a ten-day old kipper."
--- Tiddy Ogg

"But Jimmy set off with no fears,
But alas, it all ended in tears;
For Jim gave her head,
And got stuck (so he said);
We pulled the fool out by the ears."
--- Tiddy Ogg

"I knew her abyss was so large,
Could have taken a full-loaded barge.
So if there you cruise,
You wear your snow shoes,
If ever you give her a charge."
--- Tiddy Ogg

Said a very outspoken lass,
Who likes to abuse and harass,
"My dear, your ears
Have been growing for years,
And you're getting to look like an ass."
--- Anon

There once was a husband named Phil
Whose hearing, quite gladly, was nil.
For his wife was a bitch
With a voice like a witch,
And her screams were annoyingly shrill.
--- Cap'n Bean P0408

This is file lym

I see, but as long as you're here
One thing is not really clear
Oh girl of these ditties
With double dee titties,
How is it your muff's in your ear?
--- Anon

An anthropologist named Hassis,
"When contact lenses reach the masses,
In say ten thousand years,
Man will not need ears,
The place now used for hanging glasses.
--- Irving Superior P8808

There once was a bloody-mouthed ass
Who listened and lost, for alas,
He was told that he oughter
Drink eight glasses of water,
But he heard it all wrong and ate glass.
--- Don Moore P0511Q

On a bus, two deaf gals dressed in pink.
The first said, "Wembley is next, I think."
The second said, "My dear
It is Thursday, I fear."
The response, "I am too! Let's go drink!"
--- Tom Patton P0408

Lots of kinky people I see,
And to each his own, I agree --
But the things that they pierce
Must hurt something fierce!
Pierced ears are enough for me.
--- Kaylin

To make holes in girls' ears, Mrs Reames,
A beautician, has singular schemes.
She does not stick their ears
With needles. For years
She has used only ear-piercing screams.
--- Attic Salt P0509

There once was a cutie named Sunny
Whose ears were so long, it was funny.
But don't moan her fate
For the girl's doing great --
She's a key club's most popular bunny!
--- Mary Rita Hurley

A trucker from old Tennessee
Went deaf, so the doctor did see.
The doc said, "Oh dear,
Don't clean out your ear
Like that," and removed his truck key.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I once met a man they called Job,
Made an earring from a heavy globe.
Now, isn't that queer?
A globe in his ear?
He now has aa twenty-foot lobe.
--- Shiela Lark

"Excuse me," said the boy from Belize,
"But I think I am going to sneeze.
I've got wax in my ears,
Which brings me to tears,
And it's going to blow out in the breeze."
--- Mike O'Conner

There was a young lady of Blacksea,
Whose ears were tremendously waxy.
A suitor most fine
Shouted, "Wilt thou be mine?"
But she thought he was hailing a taxi.
--- Anon

Ramona Elizabeth Beers
Developed a rot in her ears;
Then she withered away
In a horrid decay,
After living some seventy years.
--- Cap'n Bean P0107

After surgery, I was ecstatic!
My eyesight's no longer erratic.
The doctors all say
"Throw your glasses away.
It's clear you're now anastigmatic."
--- Chris Strolin

There once was a woman called Fay
Who chomped down six carrots a day.
She believed the remark
That she'd "see in the dark,"
Though she was blind as a bat in the day.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

There's a dim-witted woman in Kent
Who never knew which way she went,
So to straighten her mind,
She kept looking behind,
And now it's her vision that's bent.
--- Alsops Foibles

The model in my magazine
Had the biggest pair I'd ever seen.
So perfectly round,
They did me astound --
Those two eyes were so big and green.
--- Anon

A poet who lived in a flat
Was three times as blind as a bat:
When he put on his glasses
To read Pippa Passes,
He just saw the brim of his hat.
--- Lims Unlimited

A fellow as blind as a bat
Before strolling, he reached for his hat,
Then he went for his walk,
Causing many to gawk,
For on top of his head was his cat.
--- Cap'n Bean P0411

Dave Blunkett is one of a kind,
But one thing that puzzles my mind;
You don't need to be very
Smart to secretary,
But how does he type if he's blind?
--- Alexander Baron

The mohel just couldn't decide
"But my babe has no eyelids!" mom cried.
So he snipped while she bitched,
Then the doc neatly stitched,
And that's why the boy is cockeyed.
--- Anon A

Said the color blind Robert McKay,
"If you would, try to see it my way.
Though I'll tell you I've seen
Every red and each green,
I perceive them as mere shades of grey."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0207

Vascillators will know what I mean
Since I don't know just which way to lean.
I've been told that I might
See things as black or white
But the truth lies somewhere in between.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0207

Stella is known for her eyes;
They are not quite the same size.
So small is the right,
It won't admit light,
While the left's like the moon on the rise.
--- Macsam

In the eyes all the blues of the skies are,
And how varied the sizes of eyes are --
Why they come, some so small,
You scarce see them at all,
While others are big round as pies are.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708

There was a young lady whose eyes (thighs?)
Were unique as to color and size.
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside
And started away in surprise.
--- Edward Leer

There was a young lady of Flint,
Who had a most horrible squint.
She could scan the whole sky
With her uppermost eye,
While the other was reading small print.

(And the other on his navel lint.
--- Anon

An unlucky couple named Whitehead
Gave birth to a boy who was blighted.
Even young he was wise,
But he'd two sets of eyes.
Folks chortled, "The poor kid's foursighted."
--- Armand Singer

There once was a woman called Doris
Who married a pervert named Boris.
A glass eye she had,
And sometimes when they shag,
She'll take it out for one more orifice.
--- Anon

I bought glasses to put on my face,
And it's true that they look out of place.
But they help me see better
When I'm writing a letter,
Or counting from uno to tres.
--- Mark A Smeby

A cross-eyed man dined out in Whextable,
And said "As for food, I am flextable."
But he very soon got
In a helluva knot,
When he tried to eat food from the nextable.
--- Joe Guerin

I sit here and listen to Smetna
Awaiting the agent from Aetna.
I enjoyed the eclipse
Though my optometrist
Says I've burned a large hole in one retina.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9406

If we were all made to be blind,
Our sight, we would suddenly find;
We'd learn to look past
Our looks and our class;
And we'd all be a little more kind.
--- C F Mahan TP9901

You've all heard of Larry O'Toole,
Of the beautiful town of Drumboole;
He had but one eye
To Ogle you by,
Oh murther, but that was a jewel!
--- W H Thackeray 1899 Bibby