I'd like to buy you a drink,
To toast your appearance, clink-clink.
But three times a groom?
Can't find the right womb?
I know! I've been 'round that rink!
--- TuttaGioia

When he asked for a quickie divorce,
Talked of naught else until he was hoarse,
Asked, "Why not?" She would rant,
And was most adamant--
"I have no-fault insurance, of course!"
--- Ann Gasser P9412

The women we hear of today
Won't put up with much, so they say.
You step out of line,
They treat you like swine,
And garnishee all of your pay.
--- Armand E Singer 366

I'm sorry and so sad to hear
That your husband is no longer here.
It's not as if he died
For then I would have cried.
I hope you get a new one next year.
--- Tom Patton P0510Q

Ms Pamela Anderson Lee
Is getting divorced soon, I see.
And the papers all claim
That she'll then change her name;
She wants to be known as Leslie.

(Leslie - less Lee - McW)
--- Tim Raptor

Divorce me, you bastard, would you?
That's it, we are over and through?
I'll get my own back,
His computer I'll hack
I've written a virus for you!
--- Anon

Some husbands are not what one expects,
And not only 'cause of bad sex.
A God awful bore,
So I ran out the door,
That's why I now have me an ex.
--- Anon

Heather Mills is no one-legged whore!
But as she fucking hopped out the door,
She sang, "I don't need you,
And I won't feed you,
'Cause now, Paul, you've turned sixty-four."

(Paul McCartney's ex-wife)
--- David Miller

There was a young lady named Brent,
Who upon a divorce was hell-bent.
"Life has been fine,"
She said, "Sex divine!"
'Til her husband got indifferent.

(indifferent - one word or two? - McW)
--- Anon

If I had a girl named Delores,
Who closely resembled a walrus,
First I'd file for divorce,
Then use physical force,
And kick the bitch in the clitoris.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Said Mrs to Mr Witkowski,
"You ain't nuthin' but a big louseski.
I'm tired of your cheatin'
And constant brow-beatin',
So, git your butt out...leave the house-key!"
--- Anon

A wife who eavesdropped (which was small of her)
Heard her husband declare he loved all of her.
She divorced him at once
For the sweet little dunce
Had assumed he loved someone named Oliver.
--- Jemstone P9911

The old romance turned sour;
Now the luster is off the flower.
They were once well-wed,
But the marriage went dead,
And truth got divorced from power.
--- Anon

The classifieds have run mo' ads,
Apparently from some po' dads,
Who've gone through divorce,
And lost all, of course,
To wives who still squeeze their gonads.
--- Travis Brasell

A shrewd divorcee, out to court,
With an uplift to funds fallen short,
Knew with nip and a tuck
And a helping of luck,
She'd have no further need of support.
--- Val Burns P0609

Contesting a bitter divorce,
In which the man cited his horse,
The wife had to plead
That she was in need,
And he's never finished the course.
--- Anon

A bridegroom, one Albert T Nixon,
Quickly learned his new bride was a vixen,
So he filed for divorce,
Which was granted, of course,
Because the judge saw what needed fixin'.
--- William K Alsop Jr

If I had stayed married, I fear,
Today would have been thirty years.
Of marital bliss?
No, it, I don't miss,
Not him or his wee little spear.
--- Anon

The new divorcee wasn't tentative
Describing her newly shed relative.
She said loud and clear,
For the whole world to hear,
"He's a no-good goddam fucking (expletive)!"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0512Q

A fed up young fellow named Trevor
Decided his marriage to sever.
"Thirty years," said the judge
And from this would not budge.
"You must not use the knife, no not never."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2819a

Claire smirked and replied - "Where's the proof,
You good-for-nothing all-time goof?
Dearie, you can't scare,
Even a small hare,
Your divorce threat is but a spoof."
--- Anon

My first husband -- a joker like you.
Cost a fortune before we were through!
But I smartened up --
Made Two sign the pre-nup;
So never will he make me blue!
--- Kaylin

That work is the curse of a lim
Writer's normal obsession with quim,
I can vouch for. Now what
Is the purpose of twat?
I forget for my memory's dim.
--- Anon

"The purpose of twat?" .. umm? .. that's strange,
Is to take all my greenbacks and change;
And to keep lawyers hustling
In their damn schemes of rustling
Every thing I own -- house, stock and range!
--- Anon

That rice-and-shoes day soon is passed;
Of happiness that is your last.
A rapid divorce
The solution, of course.
And freedom regain pretty fast.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Pat and Rose had a lot of ability,
But were low on compatability.
Their marriage, of course,
Ended in a divorce,
Which they regretted until their senility.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Last night I ran into my ex;
She complained of not getting my checks;
She called me a jerk,
Then we both went berserk,
But we ended it up with good sex!
--- Cap'n Bean

The couple agreed to a scission.
At issue was their property's division.
She got the flat
And of course, the cat;
He got the projector television.
--- Norm Brust

Do you think boffing you one more time,
Would it really count as a crime?
I know we're divorced
And you don't like to be forced,
But all you've now got was once mine.
--- Anon

Once I was really quite rich
And then I decided to hitch.
It ended, of course,
In a court of divorce.
Now my money's all gone to the bitch.
--- Puff Adder P0203

So many words of the day,
Bring my Ex to mind right away!
Captious was he,
So mismatched for me,
"I do" should have really been "Nay!"
--- Chris Papa

For sixteen years I once did time,
But didn't commit any crime,
I left his dumb ass,
For more greener grass, (literally)
And finally wised up in my prime.
--- Anon

A VORACIOUS satyr for sex,
Sam would his poor wife perplex.
So when she got sore,
She swore never more,
Saw lawyer, and now is his "ex."
--- Chris Papa

This is file lyl

Post divorce, she shopped for fur coat,
And luxurious cruise on a boat.
"You spend money VORACIOUSLY",
He accused her ungraciously.
"So, it's payback," she said, "You old goat!"
--- Elois

"For payback as this, I do chaff,
But neither of us has last laugh,
Which sure goes instead
To sharks that we fed;
The lawyers who walked off with half.
--- Chris Papa

The fellow who was to adjudicate,
Asked why we wanted to separate.
I said, "It's plain to see;
Could not simpler be.
What we have here is a stale-mate."
--- Gunjan Saraf

A man from far Xanadu,
Wracked and spent in frame, through and through,
Said, "I want out of this mess!
Take my camels, and yes,
Take my wifes and concubines, too."
--- Bill Edwards P9105

Divorcing her for another,
The children stayed with their mother.
So then his ex-wife
Got on with her life
And fell in love with his brother.
--- Goin2later

There once was a man who had more,
And wanted to marry a whore.
He gave her a hook,
She gave him the look,
And he would be married no more.
--- Anon

There once was a man named Bill,
Who made his wife do what he'd will.
But all that it took,
Was the evil wife look,
To make him roll off of his hill.
--- Anon

There once was a man and a wife,
Who constantly lived in some strife.
I'd warn them if I could,
Bachelorism is good,
And marrige will ruin your life.
--- Anon

Now that you've read all the bees*
And you at them may sneeze.
You think these are cute,
'Til you're given the boot,
And realize there are morals to these.
--- Anon

Animal husbandry? Yes,
It's a valid position, I guess.
Looking after a beast
Is a kindness, at least;
But divorcing them, that is a mess!
--- David Morin

Antenuptual events for the groom
Try to blind him to forthcoming doom.
The guests include strippers
Who look for big tippers,
While the bridegroom goes Va-va-va-voom!
--- Mimi

When her curvy wiles finally clicked,
She caught her a bachelor will-wicked.
Fulfilled prospects bright
On her wedding night,
Most happy to have BENEDICT.
--- Chris Papa

I married a girl named Marie
And also another named Dee.
The judge tells me I'm
Committing a crime,
"It's not big of you, it's BIGAMY!"
--- Observer

There was a young fellow from Middletown
Who gave his new bride just a liddlefrown:
"My dear, I'm quite lusty,
But my prick's growing rusty--
Won't you please put that damn peanutbriddledown?"
--- Norm Storer

A scientist, named Tweedle Needem,
Refused to let phase rule impede'im
So he married a wife:
The new phase of his life
Cost him a degree of his freedom.
--- Robert L Weber

The spouse of a pretty young thing,
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame.
A discharge is a wonderful thing.
--- L0105

There was a young man from Khartoum,
Who kept on foretelling his doom.
Once to his best friend,
He'd reached his sad end.
He was right. He's to be a bridegroom!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

An old gentleman living in Harwich,
At ninety was thinking of marriage.
In came his grandson,
Who was just twenty-one,
And went off with the bride in his carriage.
--- Published 1822

Poor Johnny was one HANGDOG pup;
Drank too much at his nuptual sup,
And later 'neath sheet,
Had only cold feet,
Unable to get his thing up.
--- Chris Papa

I spend a lot of time on my own,
And I often hear people moan,
That I should get a life,
And maybe a wife,
And have some kids of my own.
--- Anon

Said a newlywed groom named McGee,
"Now that I'm getting all I want free,
My overworked bride
Wants to curl up inside,
And I have to hunt for it on me!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 740

A fool that I know now expects
To marry Marie, who's my Ex.
This guy is so dumb,
He cannot chew gum.
He lives in a rented DUPE-plex.
--- Al Willis T9707

A worried young bridegroom named Carson
Observed his bride had every farce on.
He was not shook a bit
By her wig and false tit,
But he begged her to please keep her arse on.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G2098

As he ogled the sexy young tart,
He confessed, "I have lust in my heart."
Said his wife, "He can lust
But my husband I trust,
'Cause his heart's not the operative part"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0508

I think it is wicked and dreadful
That a sultan can have a whole bedful,
Whereas with monogamy,
Which can't make a hog o' me,
I suffer along with a headful.
--- Limber Limericks

When a feverish groom in Armenia
Had nibbled away his gardenia,
They just let him graze
On the bridesmaids bouquets,
To quiet the old neurasthenia.
--- Morris Bishop

He came from a far distant shore;
The land of the interesting door.
Now Gary, we know,
Will quite bravely go
Where no Brit has ventured before.
--- Karen

Since redheaded Gary arrived,
Our Spuddie no more is deprived
Of love and caress,
For he has an ass,
And a front that has her revived.
--- Petunia

He sounds quite hearty and hale;
I assume he is well hung but pale;
For Spuddies sake,
So he can make
Her put her vibrator on sale.
--- Petunia

I'm seeking a sleek tight-assed hunk
To raise me aloft with his trunk,
And keep me afloat
Until my love boat
Has sunk under gallons of spunk.
--- Bitch

Though Gary and I have not met,
When I land in my purple Lear jet,
Approach him real slinky
And whisper "I'm kinky!"
He'll be mine. I hope you're upset.
--- Bitch

There's a young Jewish lady named Carrie,
Told her folks she was ready to marry!
Her dad said, "Cor blimey,
I hope it's a Hymie,
And not any Tom, Dick or Harry."
--- Arthur Pattaffy

An amorous woman from Barton
Was wed to a bashful young Spartan.
And as soon as she said,
"Let's leap into bed,"
He ran and jumped into a carton.
--- Alsops Foibles