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There was an old man of Melrose, A big-nosed Hawaiian young man, There was an old man from Montrose A young man who sat in the dew, I know a young fellow from Leek, There is an old fellow called Mose If only we humans had trunks, My children both have such intelligence, There was a young Scot from Ben Lomocks, Did you hear that Hannah and Moses, In Owslebury town lived a maid, A famous old person named Wells "Pierce my WHAT?! Have you holes in your head? Now what would you do if your nose There was a young man from Kent, There once was a man they called Jeter, The proboscis you flaunt isn't cricket. There was a young man of Montrose A nervous young fellow named Prickett Please don't pick your nose in your car! A nudest resort at Bernares, There once was a girl named Leaner; There was a young lady named Josie, The nostrils of William Brown A studious fellow named Mose There was a young man from Wilkes-Barre, There once was a lady named Rose A famous old speaker named Costral "Hello there! Oh, how the wind blows! Mrs Jackson's my neighbor whose nose You know the old joke I suppose. Then she kissed me and whispered, "I'm Rose; "Mrs. Jackson!" I said, "Don't expose ...An improvement. Let's see how it goes. So yesterday speaking in prose, There was a young man of Belgravia, When Tommy first saw Colonel Peake There was an old geezer from Devon A man with bad allergy woes There was a young lass from Tralee, Screamed a nervous young fellow from Kelling, A whaler captain's daughter named Rose There was a young lawyer named Pique There was a brown-noser named Moses, You've been bad, you old grouch, Ebeneezer! My sweet Marylou, Heaven knows, There once was a lady called Rose There once was a lady named Rose There was an old man from Cape Horn There was a lad from Kent Cried a worried young bridegroom from Reading A mischievous lad of Blackheath If you're making your daily commute, An elderly lady from Crewe There was an old man named Heath There once was an old lady from Heath, During foreplay, a youth from Duluth An unfortunate nudist of Leith On a date a young couple embraces Way back in my days as thirst-quencher, A starving Red Indian Chief A sexless old lady named Beth, A very particular floozie, There once was an ugly old whore, A hygienic young miss from out West, While walking one day on the heath,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, "It ain't pleasant
To see you at present,
With forefinger stuck up your nose."
--- Edwardian Leer 097
Had a schnoz large and flat, like a fan.
On a windy day he
Held his face to the lee,
And his outrigger sailed to japan.
--- T9707
Who had a most sensitive nose.
When walking, he went
The way that it bent,
And it took him to scandalous shows.
--- Limber Limericks
Developed a horrible flu.
He thought he'd feel better
If his nose was less wetter,
So he stopped up his nostrils with glue.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Who, instead of a nose, has a beak.
Every day -- it's absurd --
He looks more like a bird.
He migrates at the end of next week.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who is blessed with a rather large nose.
At a road intersection
He needs added protection,
As it precedes him wherever he goes.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
We'd lounge about like drunken skunks.
No need to roll o'er --
Just sniff, suck or bore --
Even do it from separate bunks.
--- H Welchel
Their brains must be bigger than elephants.
But their noses stick out
Less than elephant snout,
Which is good for their visual elegance.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose nose was as long as a muskox's.
While crossing the street,
He tripped over his feet,
And speared a cop in the buttocks.
--- Marlene McCarty
Had very peculiar noses.
They often would sit
And enjoy smelling shit,
But they could not stand smelling roses.
--- Chairman Steve
Whose huge nose would cast a great shade.
The length of that schnozzle
Was more than my nozzle,
So blow jobs were out, I'm afraid.
--- Anon
Made millions by marketing smells;
For instance, the essence
Of tomcat excrescence,
At least so my history book tells.
--- Armand E Singer 782
I'd be maimed rolling over in bed.
A ring in YOUR nose
Might be useful, god knows.
You could then be more easily led!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Were as far from your hands as your toes?
With nothing to thumb,
You would have to become
Polite to your friends and your foes.
--- Limber Limericks
Whose nose was terribly bent.
Some days, I suppose,
He could follow his nose,
And no one would know where he went.
--- R Saxby
Whose nose looked just like a peter.
Going down on a chick,
He had to think quick --
Just whether to fuck her or eat her.
--- David Miller
Could be best described "sticky wicket."
Your nose does repel
Perhaps 'twill rebel
And if it goes on strike? Picket!
--- Jane D Hughes P9007 a
Who had pockets in none of his clothes.
When asked by his lass
Where he carried his brass,
He said, "Darling, I pay through the nose."
--- Arnold Bennet
Would scratch at his nose and then pick it.
When onlookers jeered,
He'd yell, "You are weird,
So take your own finger and stick it!"
--- Armand E Singer 538
Have you quite forgotten you are
Right in public view
Where all can see you?
My pleasant drive home you will mar.
--- Anon
Took a midget in, all unawares,
But he made members weep,
For he just couldn't keep,
His nose out of private affairs.
--- Playboy Mag L1242
Her nose was as long as a weiner.
She could eat enough meat
To last her a week;
You'd know it's the truth if you'd seen her.
--- Chickenlady
Whose uncle's proboscis was rosy.
When she said to him, "Uncle
Is that a carbuncle?"
He tersely replied, "Don't be nosy."
--- Langford Reed
Point upward (like chimneys) not down;
He runs helter-skelter
In drizzle, for shelter,
Or else he undoubtedly drown.
--- Peter Wilkins
The grindstone applied to his nose.
When his nose wore to hell,
They asked how does he smell.
He said, certainly not like a rose.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2712
Who, at following girls, was a star.
His vision was poor,
His hearing unsure,
But he sniffed pheromones from afar.
--- Isaac Asimov
Who sported a few extra toes;
But they weren't on her feet,
They were red as a beet,
And they grew from the tip of her nose.
--- Cap'n Bean P0507
Was noted for outpourings rostral.
But he gained all his fame
And established his name
For extensively probing his nostril.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2521
Mrs. Jackson? So how is your nose?
Rhinoplasty's a bore;
Are you terribly sore?
Well goodbye; see you later at Joe's."
--- Peter
Was so odd that she said, "I propose
To have surgery." So
I said, "Give it a go,
For it looks like a gentleman's hose."
--- Peter
(She was sick of it, God only knows.)
She was known on our street
As "Old Fuck Nose". "Oh Pete,"
She said, "Thank you for hearing my woes."
--- Peter
And I secretly love you. My nose
Gives a twitch and a throb
When I think of your knob
And I fondle my nose as it grows."
--- Peter
Yourself! Please will you cover your nose.
It's embarrassing me,
And I think we should be
Merely friends till the surgery shows...
--- Peter
This is file lwm
Until then I just can't call you Rose,
Mrs. Jackson." "Okay",
She said walking away
With her nose hanging down to her toes.
--- Peter
We agreed to meet later at Joe's.
I've forgotten my woes,
Now I've noticed her nose.
(Mrs. Jackson; I love you, my Rose.)
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who said, "I'm devoted to Flavia.
But that ring through her nose --
Do you really suppose
It is perfectly normal behavior?"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
(Tommy is five and can speak),
He said, "Auntie Rose,
Does he put on his nose
The same stuff you paint on your cheek?"
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Who instead of two nostrils had seven;
Three snuffled around
Very close to the ground,
And the other four smelled to high heaven.
--- Lims Unlimited
Put a "Breath-Right" strip on his nose.
He awoke in the morn
In pain, and forlorn,
For one nostril was stuck to his toes!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who was stung on her nose by a bee.
Her proboscis did swell
And the Irish-folk tell
How it actually stretched sea-to-sea.
--- Pam Steadmen TP9804
"On my face there's a terrible swelling!"
The doctor said, "Rot,
You silly young clot!
It's only your nose -- stop your yelling!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Had quite big nostrils on her nose.
The boys after supper,
Would stick themselves up her,
And then they cry out, "Thar she blows!"
--- Anon
Who was blessed with a prominent beak.
But one mortified client
Grew extremely defiant
And gave that proboscis a tweak.
--- Bennet Cerf Coll P9210
Who chanced to be born with two noses.
He could elicit grunts
From two bosses at once,
And for this he got bouquets of roses.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2197
For she wants something different to please her.
You've not thought, I suppose,
Of poking your hose
As far as you can up her sneezer?
--- Cyberhog T9801
Is blessed with a big bulbous nose.
Sometimes, while she gums me,
She'll hold it quite chumly;
Poor thing, she thinks it's my globes!
--- Anon
Who resembled a rather large hose.
When asked (you can guess)
Where she bought that odd dress,
She said "That's not my dress, that's my nose."
--- Anon
Who had an extremely long nose.
When she walked around,
It dragged on the ground,
And would then tangle up with her toes.
--- Anon
Whose nose was as sharp as a thorn;
It wasn't too handy
For sniffing his brandy,
But was dandy for scoring his corn.
--- Lims Unlimited
Whose nose was long and bent;
The women did shy him,
But now they all buy him,
Playing "Guess where his nose just went!"
--- Anon
Finding bits of dentine in the bedding,
"It's a damned fool who marries
A girl suffering from caries,
Dropping teeth on the night of her wedding."
--- Armand Singer
Had auctioned his mothers false teeth.
She said: "You dithgrathe!
Take that grin off your fathe,
And get out of here, if you pleathe."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Pause for tea across town while en route.
But avoid all those sweets,
Lest your mid-morning treats
Make your tooth hurty down at its root.
--- Arthur Deex
Dropped her false teeth down the loo.
She pulled on the chain,
They popped up again,
And bit her, the silly old moo.
--- Funfax Linmericks
Who mislaid his pearly false teeth.
Laid them down on a chair,
Plumb forgot they were there,
Then sat down and got bit from beneath.
--- Anon
Who sat on her husbands false teeth.
"OH LORD! Bless his heart,"
She said with a start,
"He has bitten the part that he eeth."
--- VOL 7
Got excited and lost a front tooth;
And when deep in situ,
He was bitten in two --
Which should teacch him to be so uncouth!
--- Hugh Oliver A068A
Sadly sat on his furious teeth.
Although, from a denture,
Men don't deserve censure,
It bit off a bit underneath.
--- David A Brooks Q
In one of those dark trysting places,
But with one kiss he tires,
For he finds it requires
Fifteen minutes to unlock their braces.
--- A N Wilkins P8405
Eileen was my greatest adventure.
She'd grimace and frown
Just as she bit down,
'Fore splitting her tongue and a denture.
--- SFA
Bit open a tin of corned beef;
Then he said to his squaw,
"I can open no more,
For I've shnapped sheventeen of m' teef."
--- Funfax Limericks
Polished up her false teeth and her breath,
Till her smile was so white,
Just from Peppermint-Brite,
That sixty men banged her to death.
--- G0525
Once fought with a trollop named Susie;
He teeth were all lost,
As they tumbled and tossed,
And therefore she cannot be chewsy.
--- Margaret A Murdock P8312
Who could charge double or more
Than all of the young'uns
'Cause she had two tongues,
And of teeth she had only four.
--- Karen
Asked the cowboy who sat on her chest,
"Will semen cause decay?"
"No ma'am," I heard say.
"It's the secret ingredient of Crest!"
--- Chris Bolivar
I saw something glisten. Beneath
An old chestnut tree,
And staring at me,
Was a brand new, complete set of teeth.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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