I'd given all my stock and debentures
To learn of the arcane adventures,
By which twist and turns
These strange oral furn-
Ishings came hither, namely these dentures.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I've studied dentologists screeds,
And learned that once from the mouth freed,
They often will tug
Themselves from the mug
Where they're stored, and escape here to breed.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I'm told that the locals at night
Will use ultra-violet light,
And lure them with rashers
And net those wee gnashers,
Whenever they come for a bite.
--- Tiddy Ogg

So if at the eve of the day,
You venture out Beaulieu Heath way,
And hear a strange clacking,
It's no one attacking,
But simply those choppers at play.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A boastful young cyclist from Neath
Was performing a trick on a heath.
He cycled (no hands)
On the roughest of lands,
But he crashed. Now he rides with no teeth.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

Pearly white teeth in a mouth such as his,
'Tis a feat to be accomplished, it is.
For crusty and slimy,
His mouth is plain grimey,
And out of the sides comes green fizz.
--- Steve Shrader

There was an old man in Swift Current
Whose teeth looked like real ones, but weren't.
Although he was toothless,
His bite could be ruthless,
For dentures were not a deterrent.
--- Gerry Busch

A lovely old gal named Estelle,
A proper and prim southern belle,
Created some doubt,
When dentures came out,
And into the punchbowl they fell.
--- Observer

There was an old geezer called Jack
Who went down on old Doris's crack;
But his dentures shot out
When she came with a shout
And got jammed up her pussy, alack.
--- Anon

Gangsta' Rapper, Big Killer C. Townes,
Worshiped here, also in Epsom Downs.
Had his teeth all rebuilt
With bright diamonds and gilt.
His grins now flash the stars in his crowns.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0101

A poor toothless fellow named Keith
Had not one above nor beneath.
For a dollar he bought
Dentures clumsily wrought.
Friends asked, "Where did you get those buck teeth?"
--- Bob Giandomenico P9409

The teeth of a lady called Wodgem
Came loose as she rode on a dodgem.
They fell down her jumper,
And though others can bump 'er,
They totally failed to dislodge 'em.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

Edentulous mouths with a lisp
Won't enunciate quite so crisp,
And sometimes the spray
From what they might say
Is more that just a little wisp.
--- Daniel Ford

There once was a lady in Bantry
Who kept her false teeth in the pantry,
All covered in jam
And sunk in a ham,
Hung up by a string from a gantry.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I sometimes blast Scotsmen and such;
I'm part Scots myself -- just a touch.
It is my belief
That I've got Scottish teeth
'Cause they're false and they cost me too much.
--- Tony Burrell

There was an old man of Tarentum,
Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em.
When they asked him the cost,
Of what he had lost,
He replied, "I can't say, I just rent 'em."
--- Explosion of Lims P0312

An accident really uncanny
Befell a respectable granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny.
--- Anon

There was an old man of Blackheath,
Who sat on his set of false teeth.
Said he, with a start,
"O Lord, bless my heart!
I've bitten myself underneath!"
--- Explosion of Lims P0311

At the Plaza she was nobby,
Ate a salad of kohlrabi.
She failed quite to squelch
A resonant belch;
Her teeth wound up in the lobby.
--- Jim Jambor P9103

There was a tight Scotsman named Scott
Whose teeth became weakened with rot.
He stated: toothpaste,
In the long run's a waste,
And the tooth-fairies keep what they've got.
--- Chris Young

Never before have I seen
A lady whose teeth do so gleam.
You can turn out the lights,
Close her mouth up tight,
But boy, do those teeth still beam!
--- Javeal

An unfortunate woman from Keith
Was born with a mouthful of teeth;
There were ninety upstairs
In three equal layers,
And a hundred and ten underneath.
--- Lims Unlimited

There once was a girl from Duluth
Who was still quite early in youth.
She would walk for a mile,
Never cracking a smile,
Because all that she had was one tooth!
--- Reminisce P9310

When he went to see old Dr. Keith
For the miseries all down beneath,
The man said, "There's no doubt
You must have your teeth out."
So he handed the doc his false teeth.
--- A N Wilkins P8306

And then there was Margie from Totton,
Whose breasts really strained the thin cotton,
But no, I don't miss her,
For when I did kiss her,
I found that her teeth were all rotten.
--- Anon

Her smile to the guys at the bar
Was the whitest and brightest by far.
And her teeth were kept glowing
With nobody knowing,
They spent every night in a jar.
--- Val Burns P0606

There was an old lady of Crewe,
Who dropped her false teeth in the stew.
Said the sensitive waiter,
"It's horrid to cater
For careless old females like you."
--- Langford Reed (Bibby)

I do hate it when my teeth itch;
To scratch at them can be a bitch.
You won't hear me yell,
Because if I tell,
It turns me into a snitch!
--- Archie

There was a young lady of Keethly,
Whose principle charms in her teeth lay.
When they fell out on her plate,
She called out, "I hate
Mishaps of this kind, they are beathly."
--- Anon

The madame told old Jerry Purvis
"You're making my girls too damn nervous.
If you stick to your plan
To park dentures in Anne,
We must charge at least DOUBLE for service.
--- Grand Prix Lim 730

There once was a lady from Flushing,
Who took out her dentures for brushing.
If only she'd flossed,
They wouldn't be lost
And now she can't speak without gushing.
--- Frank Sfa

"I'll bet you won't try it," said Keith,
After seeing the girl on the heath.
I accepted his dare,
And touched Flora May THERE--
And promptly lost three of my teeth.
--- John Miller 0063

A young man from Scotland, named Keith,
Was famed for his luminous teeth.
When he flashed forth his smile,
They would shine for a mile
And dazzle the dentists of Leith.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

This is file lvm

In grossness, there's no one beneath
A disgusting young fellow named Keith;
For he formed a whole meal
That he felt had appeal,
From the chunks that he flossed from his teeth.
--- Cap'n Bean P0110

There was a young lad called Davy,
Who hated the food in the Navy.
He couldn't have beef,
In case his false teeth
Would drop out and fall in the gravy.
--- R Coleman

A farmer's wife from old Argenta
Lost a filling from one of her dentia.
She looked for some Ag
To add to the crag;
A silver lining to her predicamentia.
--- Anon

There once was a boy with no teeth
Who lisped when he spoke, and said: "Pleath,
Will you get me some falth oneth,
Thith week or this month,
So I can eat peanuth and cheeth?"
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

Whenever my dentures get sore,
I think of my teeth of before--
The toothaches, the fillings,
The root canal drillings
With Marquis de Sade hov'ring o'er.
--- Irving Superior P9107

A duzzy ole fine outs Hethersett
Outa-doors in tha inclement weather set,
By the side a the rud
Eatin' cold Christmas pud,
With his top dentures in, but no nether set.
--- T K Scott

This lady I knew in my youth,
In the front of her mouth lacked a tooth.
She could whistle quite neatly
But trying to smile sweetly,
Caused no end of laughter, forsooth.
--- C M

There once was a girl from Duluth,
Who made use of only one tooth.
When she was asked why,
She'd simply reply,
"To use more than one is uncouth!"
--- Carson

A dirty dock worker named Booth,
Whose manners were very uncouth,
Would spit on the floor,
Let farts by the score,
And open beer cans with one tooth.
--- Armand E Singer 991

His brother, a lisper named Luther,
Was possibly even uncouther;
Even during mass
He'd grab some girls ass,
And brag he intended to "gooth her."
--- Armand E Singer 992

There was an old lady from Wan,
Who let out a terrible yawn;
Her dentures fell out
And she gave out a shout--
She was about to take them to pawn.
--- Mrs Clarke

I think Colgate's boss should insist on
A slogan that puts a new twist on
The way folks are led
To buy Colgate instead:
"Now, lighten your smile with Phlogiston!"
--- Norman Storer P0211

There was an old lady from Neath,
Who got her thread caught in her teeth.
In a glass by her bed,
Sat teeth, needle, and thread,
With her sampler dangling beneath.
--- Melinda Coss

There was a young fellow named Clift
Who gave a young lady a lift.
And he marveled the sight
Of her teeth shining bright,
So she gave him her teeth as a gift.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2501

No matter how grouchy you're feeling,
You'll find the smile more or less healing.
It grows in a wreath
All around the front teeth,
Thus preserving the face from congealing.
--- Anthony Euwer

There was an old lady of Leith
Who had most remarkable teeth;
They were not very strong
But so spiky and long,
That she had to keep each in a sheath.
--- Archie

With a dazzling smile on his face,
He'd a brand new front tooth in the place
That was empty last night,
And it's shiny and white,
'Cause it came from the store in a case.
--- Mary Sullivan

There once was a lady of Flushing,
Who took out her teeth for the brushing.
Which was a mistake
Since they were not fake;
Her gums are now used for cock mushing.
--- Travis Brasell

"How come you are looking so pale?"
Asked Pete of his granddaughter Gayle,
Who stared at his glass.
"I was thirsty, my lass,
And I've watered my teeth in the ale."
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309

An old spinster who died near Peekskill
Wrote a very queer clause in her will.
It read: "To the priest,
I leave my false teeth,
And now he can eat to his fill."
--- Larry Wilde

A filthy old trout from Havana,
Her teeth looked just like a piana;
Some black and some white,
Oh such was her plight,
She could only just suck a banana!
--- Anon

He's prone to hallucination
And premature ejaculation.
His hair is just fuzz,
But I'm staying because
Toothless gums still hold fascination.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young lady of Keithley,
Whose principal charm in her teeth lay.
When they fell on her plate,
She called out "I hate
Mishaps of this kind, they are beathly."
--- Archie

Although Ruth has given me glances,
Implying with her I had chances,
The fact she's near toothless,
Means I must be Ruthless,
And firmly refuse her advances.
--- Anon

Refuse her advances? Oh come,
She might be too ancient to plumb,
But if given the chance
Of a suck on your lance,
Then she'll gum you to heaven, old chum.
--- Anon

A short little man from Quebec
Had a toothache and went for a check.
When he wanted to know
Why the tooth had to go,
He was told, "Ees toulouse, Lautrec."
--- Macsam

An aged shotputter named Carl
Used to pull back his lips in a snarl,
Revealing beneath,
Several rows of white teeth
And a bridge he'd had fitted in Arles.

(Van Gogh painting - The Bridges at Arles)
--- Michael Palin

I wish I'd looked after me teeth.
And spotted the perils beneath
All the toffees I chewed
And the sweet stick food.
I wish I'd looked after me teeth.
--- Pam Ayres

I wish I'd been that much more willin',
When I had more tooth there than fillin',
To give up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers,
And to buy something else with me shillin'.
--- Pam Ayres

When I think of the lollies I licked
And the licorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.
--- Pam Ayres

My mother, she told me no end,
"If you got a tooth, you've a friend."
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.
--- Pam Ayres

I showed them the toothpaste, all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin',
Didn't seem worth the time -- I could bite!
--- Pam Ayres

If I'd known I was paving the way
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fillin's,
Injections and drillin's,
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.
--- Pam Ayres

So I lay in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it does whine,
In those molars of mine,
"Two amalgam," he'll say, "for in there."
--- Pam Ayres