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A good Jewish mamma, most chary,
Found her daughter in love most unwary.
"What a boy!--but a Goy!
He's a positive joy!
So screw if you must, but don't marry!"
(chary - cautious)
There was a young man from Gibralter He was handsome and age twenty-eight. A man who had lived all his life, Said a certain attractive librarian, I know of a bachelor named Fitch, Resigned is a bachelor named Kermit; A haughty young woman named Edna An heiress from Abergavenny, There was a young lady of Barrie There once was a cowgirl named Harriet A Charlottetown matron, offended The senorita, Marie, was Bolivian; There was a young lady from Barrie, Marriage can be too over-rated, There's nothing like living in sin By wives many men are demented, We will pity the runaway bride. There was a young man from Innsmouth, A spinster may be fairly tall, A bachelor is a smart male Those things that give most women fits, Get a dog that will grumble and roar, But after your man's upped and gone, An obstinate lady of Leicester A woman whose name was Marie A curvaceous young maid from Bayshore Even though single again, Said an ardent bridegroom named Trask, When Daddy and Mum got quite plastered, Once a hapless young bridegroom called Jake In St James Church, Episcopal, housed, So then Liam, do you take wee Hilde And now Hilde, do you take wee Liam "I hereby pronunciate you When at last they peeled us off the floor, Being on the twenty-third of June, While waiting, I played the piano, The vows were as Liam had written, Though flash-floods they all had predicted, We poked our nose into the mountains The Poconos were dry as the dust, We left our own room once or twice, The trip up and back found no rain, We slept on a clear mountain high, We ate at a place where a train We saw there an "East" that was pretty; Said a cautious young fellow named Geist, 'Twas the ride of their lives I must say, As he told a young lady from Fife "If you'll marry me, dear, in the spring, A marriage meeds more than mere lust; A forward young fellow, a Pole, There was a young fellow of Byoolie, There was a young lady of Eton, When I was young, courting my honey, Oh, Lydia, now come be my wife, I knew a shy student named Drew A clever old fellow from Wapping When Robert from someplace down under, Larry King said, "When feeling up tight, Why dammit, I'm still in my bed, But listen, sweet love of my life, Myfanwy, you know I adore But listen Myfanwy, my dear, So now I am just on the run. "Hey lover!"
--- G1534
Who left a young maid at the altar.
Some say he went queer;
Others say 'twas the beer;
But the buggers and drunks, they all fault her.
--- Bobo
He said, about marriage, "Let's wait."
At first, I was wooed,
And then I was screwed
By the quite fickle finger fo fate.
--- Al Willis P9508
Without worry or bother or strife,
Was requested to tell
What had kept him so well,
And he answered, "I don't have a wife."
--- Limber Limericks
Who was fairly blase about marryin',
"I'll get to housewifery
When through with high-lifery,
By which time I will be centenarian.
--- Isaac Asimov
Afflicted with prurient itch;
His constant proclivity
For amorous activity
Insures he will never get rich.
--- Armand E Singer 250
He tells why he lives as a hermit:
"I love the long hunt
For fresh female cunt,
But lacked enough dough for the permit.
--- Armand E Singer 532
Scorns triflers who want to be bedna.
She will say to them, regally,
"I demand it all legally,"
But alas, no one plans to be wedna.
--- Isaac Asimov
Had offers of marriage full many.
She surveyed all the men
Very gravely, and then,
Said, "Thanks, but I'm not having any."
--- Anon
Whom everyone wanted to marry.
But Tom made her sick,
And she didn't like Dick,
And a very nith boy cornered Harry.
--- Hugh Oliver 69a
Who lassoed her lads with a lariat.
She roped quite a lot
But would not tie the knot,
'Cause she wasn't quite ready to marry yet.
--- John Eggerton P0104
At meeting her daughter's intended,
Said, "No, he won't do,
His nose isn't blue;
The marriage is not recommended!"
--- Mary Ringland,Manotick29b
Her boyfriend, from England, was Vivian.
This did not please her mother,
So to save further bother,
They rode off in the night -- to oblivion.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Her hair-do was frightfully hairy.
Her face was behind it,
But no one could find it.
Consequently she never did marry.
--- Albin Chaplin
And divorce makes it seem out-dated.
Screw "only" my wife
For the rest of my life?
No thanks! I'll remain unrelated!
--- Anon
If you've got a nice place to live in.
Not to mention a gal
Who is more than a pal,
With a hole that just fits your pin.
--- G0184
Deceived and abused and tormented.
So I say, men, beware,
And avoid this despair --
Why own the damn thing, you can rent it.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2015
She can run but she clearly can't hide.
And the kidnapping hoax
Makes her butt of all jokes.
All to have wedding plans set aside?
--- Limerick Savant
Who cheerfully plighted his troth
To a series of wives,
And their nuptual dives
Were the scandalous talk of the South!
--- Johnathan Burns
And some with plenty on the ball,
Or short and quite lean,
Or down in between,
With no personality at all.
--- Lims Unlimited
Who sits down upon his tail,
And savors life
Without the strife
Of hitching to a frail female.
--- Lims Unlimited
Are the things with the mobile bits.
They are testicular
Or maybe vehicular;
Related to men, the sweet shits.
--- Marlene Lewis
And a tom-cat to stay out till four --
A parrot to curse and drink,
And what do you think?
You'll feel like you're married once more!
--- Kaylin Brandon
Upon you it slowly will dawn,
As you're reaming your end
With your vibrating friend,
Dildoes cannot mow the lawn!
--- Caton
Wouldn't marry her swain, though he pressed her;
For his income, I fear,
Was a hundred a year,
On which he could never have dress her.
--- Anon (Reed) (Bibby)
Was engaged to be married at three,
But a terrible flu
Brought her death, around two,
And her wedding was never to be.
--- Cap'n Bean P0101
Had turned down proposals galore,
And when I asked why,
She said with a sigh,
"I don't know what everything's for."
--- Alsops Foibles
I find that I've not lost the yen
For affection, etc.;
I think nothing's better; a
Las for me! Where are the men?
--- Robin K Willoughby P8405
"I will grant any boon that you ask.
Said his bride, "Fuck me, dearie,
Until I grow weary."
He died of old age at the task.
--- Anon
And their shame had been thoroughly mastered,
They told their boy, Harry:
"Son, we never did marry.
But don't tell the neighbors, you bastard."
--- Anon G0161
Had a shock that few mortals could take.
He was feeling quite hearty,
At his bachelor party,
When his mother jumped out of the cake!
--- Graham Lester
The Bishop himself had espoused,
That despite two divorces,
Which happened perforce, as
The one to've been full deloused.
--- Hilde na Baeg
To have and to hold and to build a
New family with?
(I giggled forthwith).
"Sure I do, as I've already tolled ya!"
--- Hilde na Baeg
This is file ltl
To have and to hold and be t'im (to him)
A wife, as of old?"
"And I've already told
You I do, so now let me see 'im!"
--- Hilde na Baeg
To be man and wife. You get to
Now kiss your new bride."
So I filled with pride,
Puckered up and applied my big lip to!"
--- Hilde na Baeg
We bolted straight out through the door.
Then turned north by northeast,
Pausing not in the least,
'Til we're safe at the swamp, to be sure.
--- Hilde na Baeg
Both Liam and I were in tune.
"Jug of Punch," we all sang,
But it was with a twang,
Then we sobered up ere it was noon.
--- Hilde na Baeg
Or tried to, until a soprano
Poked her head in the door,
then an alto, then more.
So I quit 'til the service began.
--- Hilde na Baeg
And more that would never here fit in.
As we left, grabbing food --
So we wouldn't be rude,
We drank punch, as is only befittin'.
--- Hilde na Baeg
North-northeast, again, I directed
My 'Cruiser to speed,
And to give no laws heed,
Till we got to a haven, protected.
--- Hilde na Baeg
And found them to be full of fountains,
Mountain nymphs and wee folk,
Or our own kind and woke
Very often just after a-mountin'.
--- Hilde na Baeg
So we supped at a cafe which was just
'Neath Lakawanna Hotel.
And I proclaimed, "Hell,
I wanna -- in that you can trust."
--- Hilde na Baeg
As we figured that it would be nice
To give chambermaids time
To clean and degrime
Our bedclothes and towels, of rice.
--- Hilde na Baeg
Till we'd entered once more our domain.
Then it dropped a few drops
Just to water our crops,
And to rinse spiders out of the drain.
--- Hilde na Baeg
And woke -- not a cloud floating by.
We arose twice a day
Whether needed or nay,
To eat, drink, and walk under sky.
--- Liam na Baeg
Circled o'er our heads like a refrain.
We ate and drank long
As it filled us with song,
Telling tales 'til retiring again.
--- Liam na Baeg
A thing you don't see in the city;
Or down in the swamp,
Where sometimes we stomp
The wild scenic part of this ditty.
--- Liam na Baeg
"Mother warned me 'gainst getting enticed,
But now that I've fucked your
Well-muscled substructure,
I believe it's okay to get spliced.
--- Armand E Singer 185
So he asked, "Could we marry today?"
She said, "Sure, grab your shoes,
Your socks, and that booze.
We just might not come back this way."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711A
That she was the joy of his life,
After dinner one night
By pale candle light
He asked if she'd be his first wife.
--- A N Wilkins P8405
You'll please me and make my heart sing.
I can get started now
If you'll lend me a thou.
I'll go out and buy you a ring."
--- Al Willis P9711
It needs friendship, affection and trust;
But I'd like to suggest
That we both get undressed
And make sure we're compatible fust.
--- Michael Horgan
Proposed to his girl on a stroll;
Mirabile dictu
He's mighty dam quick, too,
And soon had his thing in her hole.
--- Armand E Singer 124
Who loved a fair maiden most truly.
Said he, "Wilt thou be mine?"
When she didn't decline,
The wedding was solemnized duly.
--- Anon (Reed)
Whose bottom had plenty of meat on.
She said, "Marry me, Jack,
And you'll find that my back-
A nice place to warm your cold feet on."
--- Anon
A spendthrift, but yet, cute and funny,
One fine day she said,
"Hon, we should be wed,"
So I married her for my money.
--- Observer
I love you much more than my life.
If we can't elope
Then how will I cope -
Let's fuck now, without all that strife!
--- Anon
Who, to a goose, would never say boo.
He was as happy as Larry,
When the girl he would marry,
Said, in reply to his question, I do!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Kept bargaining, trading, and swapping;
When I asked, "What's ahead?"
He snickered and said,
"When I get a good wife, I am stopping."
--- Alsops Foibles
Met his sweet Anne it was no blunder.
To his Irish Rose
The Aussie proposed,
And she couldn't speak, it so stunned her.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I rehearse wedding offers all night.
My eighth straight proposal
I've at my disposal,
Since it's marriage, I can't just get right.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711
But I'll answer it; maybe it's Fred.
Hey Myfanwy! It's you!
Can it really be true?
And you what! You now want to get wed?
--- Peter Wilkins
You know well that you can't be my wife
'Til you've moved from Llanfair-
Wotsit-gogoch...you're where?
Goodness gracious! You've moved up to Fife?
--- Peter Wilkins
You, but Scotland? Oh dear, I'm not sure
I could wed you up there...
Yes, I know... I'm aware
I've made promises. How many? Four?
--- Peter Wilkins
I'm allergic to thistles, I fear.
No, it's not an excuse;
Will you stop your abuse,
Girl, your screeching is hurting my...
--- Peter Wilkins
Perhaps in her oven's a bun.
Her dad hollers "Dang me,
Some cad's got Myfanwy
Expecting a daughter or son.
--- Tiddy Ogg
What the fuck are you doing?"
Bloody hell; it's Myfanwy!
Discuss this tomorrow? Oh, please!
--- Anon
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