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Said a carnivore, less than discreet,
"Those vegans are bullshit replete!
If I can't have a feast
On the flesh of a beast,
Then why is it made out of meat?"
(apologies to Flanders and Swan)
Keep your shirts on and hold on t'your hats; Raccoons have a mask across their eyes, There once was a knowing raccoon, I want something new for my pleasure; There was an old nympho named Spruce At Christmas, a lady named Thrasher An old maid phoned the Desk and said "Joe, A trailer-truck driver named Bruce There once was a low-flying goose, (But he grinned as he blasted it loose.)
There once was a deer called Buck, Driving home late last night, I struck An odd-looking creature, the moose; The Scots are all slightly obtuse A moose that's as hard as concrete, The moose is not known for his beauty. A wondrous thing is the moose, The moose is not handsome nor svelte, In New Hampshire he's on a car plate, You'll find him on tee shirts and hats, But moose can drive drivers stark mad, Moose icon I can't understand, They refused to let the man loose; No huge antlered creatures 'round here, The bull moose has nostrils so wide, This is, to be sure, a neat tick; The sticks are not sweet, sour, or malty. Can you believe this is no spoof? Max was a real friendly moose. Dear waiter, my mousse has a fly! I once went out hunting in Sicamous; A recruit from the bunk underneath Please garage your car, Christmas night, That Rudolph and Yukon Cornelius, The young doe could run fast as a truck. The Swedish style elk is a moose, "It's spring," said the first, "so it's brown." One day Captain Ahab set sail, A poor set of crew he has chose, The ship's called "The Star Of The East," The mate at the store cupboard door, From Kingston-on-Hull north she goes; So onward, round Iceland she goes; This lad, though he started off coy, At Greenland they stop for a spell; Once more when afloat in that crate, He'd slipped on his wee bit of soap, This tale's getting long now, for sure, The whole crew? Well not altogether, Although for poor Rog death was close, You neglected the cry that arose There once was a time when baleen A young playboy porpoise named Flipper, There once was a laddie from Wales I've got an idea for the flicks, (PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals)
The voice from the UFO cried A bottle-nosed dolphin named Chad A limerick written on whales A whale is a mammal, you say, There was a young lady named Spring Sometimes I dress up like a kipper, A great whaler was Ishmael Tunum, The sad tale of a whale near Vancouver, A tailor bought strong linen bales, One Winter, the Cap'n set sail Are dolphins intelligent? Never!
--- Hugh Clary
Don't threaten me with baseball bats;
The Yanks have sold Coons
For quite a few moons.
They're big furry sweet pussy-cats!
--- David Miller Q
Perhaps attempting to disguise
The nature of their way
That will give way to play.
As a pet, they'll not win a prize.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Who didn't believe in the moon.
"Every month, don't you see,
There's a new one," said he.
"No real moon would wear out so soon!"
--- M Dodge
Like a dog and a cat for good measure.
For I'm tired of young boys,
And my vibrating toys,
Which I usually use for my leisure.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who wished to get banged by a moose.
Though he sweated and tried,
She was unsatisfied--
The shank of his crank was too loose.
--- G1330
With three drinks got bolder and brasher.
First she screwed Santa Claus,
Then without any pause,
She had Donder and Blitzen and Dasher.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G1336
There's such noise in the room down below."
"Well, they're holding," he sighed
"An Elk's ball just inside."
"Well, then tell'em," she said, "to let go."
--- Anon
Ran into a beast running loose;
I'm happy to say
That the driver's OK,
But that was the end of the moose.
--- Cap'n Bean P0311
Who rear-ended a high stepping moose.
The moose was aghast
At this pain in the ass.
This ain't how you goose a caboose.
--- Marsha Magee (Friar)
And into the garden he snuck.
He waited all night
Till the time was just right,
Then jumped out and was hit by a truck!
--- Joebob TP9804
And crashed into a ten-point buck.
In a flash I saw meat,
But he got to his feet,
And ran off with a chunk of my truck.
--- Anon
It's almost as big as a hoose.
Though tender when young,
And when properly hung,
I'll be cooking this Christmas a goose.
--- Peter Wilkins
With vowels quite hard to deduce.
So don't say your prayers
When Jock complains there's
A Moose that is loose in the hoose.
--- Archie
Got that way from drinking booze neat.
In a bar Buuba loaned
Him enough to get stoned.
But he's steady as a rock on his feet.
--- Dan Sullivan
Compared to the elk, he's no cutie.
But he's got all the tools
And the cows are no fools;
They're quite sated when he's done his duty.
--- Actaeon
Though his antlers appear to be loose.
His organic droppings
Make good garden toppings,
And we're glad he can't fly like a goose.
--- T Arnold
King's ransom not paid for moose pelt;
Why then elevate?
Moose to symbol of state,
Celebrate him with love so heartfelt.
--- Joel D Ash P0401
Homely image that folks venerate;
Ungainly, malformed,
Into beauty transformed,
Ugly duckling that no one can hate.
--- Joel D Ash P0401
Bull moose worn by true democrats;
The travel guys love him,
They often write of him,
Come glimpse one in north habitats.
--- Joel D Ash P0401
A smash into one can be bad;
Egad what a mess!
Excess of distress,
And a death in the crash very sad.
--- Joel D Ash P0401
The slobbering moose far from grand;
Moose madness abstruse,
Image use too profuse,
In its place pine or spruce I'd expand.
--- Joel D Ash P0401
He had taught martial arts to a moose.
When told to attack,
It would not stop or turn back.
Survivors want him hung from a noose.
--- Anon
The best that we have is wild deer.
Who'll soon turn and run
From the sound of the gun.
A moose would cause stained shorts, I fear.
--- Anon
You could park the Titanic inside.
The effect of a sneeze:
Leaves fall from the trees
And rabbits in burrows will hide.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To sneeze hard enough to bare stick,
For sticks they do eat.
And it's a nice treat
For the moose, but for me, I'd be sick.
--- Anon
The moose seems to not see this faulty.
It may need a drink;
At least I would think,
For that sneeze has made sticks very salty.
--- Anon
The radio swore it was truth.
Up in Alaska,
Almost a disaster;
Man had a moose stuck in his roof.
--- Tony Burrell
Every cow, horse, and pig he would goose.
Harassment his crime,
But no slammer time;
His head was put right in the noose.
--- Nancy Henry Kline P9607
Great God, are those moose pants I spy?
Not ungulate, Truffle!
Desert with a ruffle!
And not that beast on the lanai!
--- H Welchel
I used my old bugle to trick a moose.
The moose was in rut,
As I ran for my hut.
I was sorry I'd called up so quick a moose!
--- John E Mayhood P0010
Asked for leave to go home to the heath.
"I am needed again
To geld the deer rein,
'Cause father has lost all his teeth!"
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309
Or the next day will be no delight.
You'll see what I mean
When you try hard to clean
Off reindeer dung dropped from a height.
--- Anon
This is file lsk
Always up to something quite devious,
Asked Mrs. Claus
To suck on their paws,
In a manner more lewd that the previous.
--- Oddo Von Schlong T9712
Her sex life was all out of luck.
All the guys in the herd
Had put out the word,
"She is always passing the buck."
--- Tom Patton P0408
To Merkins, while elks on the loose
Are really a deer,
A wapiti, I hear,
And a Scots moose will squeak, I deduce.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The second said "Gray" with a frown;
They turned to the third,
But none of them heard
What he said as the train ran them down.
--- Mad Zeno
To get once again on the trail,
Over mountainous seas,
In hurricane breeze,
In search of Big Dick, the sperm whale.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The lot of them landlubber Joes;
In gentlest swell,
You'd hear bo'sun yell,
As one rushed to the rail: "There she throws!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
She's 50 years old now at least.
She once traded cotton;
Her hull now is rotten,
Not fit to go hunting that beast.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Hands soap out - one bar to each four,
And thus does he bawl:
"If troubles befall,
At least it may wash you ashore."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Soon icicles hang from each nose.
Cries old seaman Staines:
"This stuff sure ain't rain."
Says bo'sun "No lad, thar she snows!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
The steam in the boiler has froze.
The young cabin boy
Yells "Icebergs ahoy!"
The bo'sun nods, "Aye, there be floes."
--- Tiddy Ogg
When crewmen drink rum he'll enjoy
Their talk about dames.
The men love such games --
And Roger the young cabin boy.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In bar-rooms they really raise hell.
They're thrown in the slammer,
And there a bell's clamour
Is heard... that's the Eskimo knell.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Poor Roger meets old Jonah's fate.
Advice he has spurned,
No lesson's been learned,
The fool's used himself as the bait.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And though for the rail he did grope,
His grasp bore no fruit.
However, his boot
Got caught in an old pile of rope.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So 'fore all you folk start to snore,
I'll cut things down short:
They sail back to port,
And very soon all are ashore...
--- Tiddy Ogg
For there, while she's bulled through the weather,
Behind them they trail,
The bloody great whale,
And Rog on the end of his tether.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He's freed, and as everyone knows,
Much time in the drink,
Makes you wrinkled and pink,
As the bo'sun said "Aye, there he glows."
--- Tiddy Ogg
When a mermaid was spotted with hose,
In the singular cavity
That she has for depravity;
"Ahoy, Captain Ahab, she blows!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
Would adorn every socialite queen
In a corset; no fail.
Now it stays in the whale.
As for krill, straining isn't their scene.
--- Rory Ewins
Needs help when it comes to his zipper.
Though the pay is just fair,
Help is always right there;
It is said he's a very big tipper.
--- Pierce Evans
Whose demise was accompanied by wails.
The seafaring bloke
Was poked in midstroke,
Harpooning a pod of blue whales.
--- Brine
To make millions, at least five or six.
PETA members will cry;
Whale lovers will sigh.
Let's catch Willie and make him do tricks.
--- Les Stewart
"To the smartest, we'll give a free ride."
Several men volunteered,
But the ship disappeared
With a whale and two dolphins inside.
--- VOL 7
Went surfing with his mom and dad.
When they got back
They felt like a snack,
And ate up a small school of shad.
--- H Welchel
Would surely evoke such lewd tales
That I think Moby Dick
Might become very sick
And puke clear through Ahab's sails.
--- John Dohner P8901
And a dolphin who swims in the bay.
But did you consider
The two may be bitter,
They're related to us in this way.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest
And saving the whales was her thing.
But I'm not so grand,
You understand,
'Cause I just save stamps and some string.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
In a tight-fitting gown with a zipper.
I do a cartwheel
And dance with an eel,
Then I go out to dinner with Flipper.
--- Bill Wall
In the days when they used to harpoon 'em;
In the midst of a herd,
He believed it absurd,
To kill only E Pluribus Unum.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
In her anguish they had to remove her;
When a single sea trout
Became lodged in her spout,
No one dared do a Heimlich Maneuver.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Which he cleverly sewed into sails.
Though they seemed rather large,
They were not for a barge,
He made them for tired old whales.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
In search of the fabled Sperm Whale.
But he was so dumb,
He got covered in come,
Just because he went beyond the pail. (pale?)
--- Cubby
They don't seem to show much endeavor.
It seems that they'd sooner
Be friendly with tuna,
And they aren't particularly clever.
--- Richard Long
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