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To his bride whispered J. Osgood Neely,
"My dear, let us love so ideally,
That nothing so crude
As sex need intrude
On our Eden." Said she, "You mean--really?"
--- John Ciardi

I taught my small doggie to ride;
I now have regrets, I confide.
Encouraged to ride far,
Installed a sidecar,
And ran off with my brand new bride.
--- Anon

Said a man from Mobile, Alabama,
"I'm displeased with my role in life's drama.
My wife, who's a shrew,
Isn't willing to screw,
And she's sure to outlive me, God damn her."
--- Isaac Asimov

Said a man from Mobile, Alabama,
"I'm displeased with my role in life's drama.
My wife, who's a shrew,
Isn't willing to screw,
And she's sure to outlive me, God damma."
--- Archie

There was a young girl from Llandudno,
Who married a batsman from Tudno.
His midstump was small,
He had no balls at all.
If he'd called the match for, she'd nud know.

(must be cricket - McW)
--- G0382

Juan's wife's stories -- never a borer.
For her cooking, he'll really adore her.
His one complaint deep?
"The sound when you sleep!
You're one hell of a noisy senora."
--- Cynthia MacGregor

I work as a stay-at-home dad;
It's the best job that I've ever had.
But sometimes the poop,
Or a wet diapers droop,
Make me feel like I'm going quite mad.
--- Anon

Oh Ermintrude, love of my life,
I surely am glad you're my wife.
Your beauty's so rare,
None else can compare.
Now please from my throat, take that knife.
--- Tiddy Ogg

There was an old fellow named Dan,
Whose love life was catch-as-catch-can.
Having wed thirteen times,
When he heard church bell chimes,
He turned on his heels and just ran.
--- Warrick Elrod

There was a young lady named Fife,
The center of much serious strife.
As she walked in Milan,
She enticed a young man.
He commenced to throw rocks at his wife.
--- Albin Chaplin

There was a young lady from Fife,
So gorgeous she started much strife.
Her tight ass and proud bubby
So inflamed the poor hubby,
He began to throw rocks at his wife.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0067

There was a young lady named Lou
Who was considered to be a young shrew.
Before she could marry,
She'd not hassle nor harry;
Her spouse now doesn't know what to do!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There once was a fellow from Wales,
Who dressed in his black tie and tails;
Then he waited an hour,
For his dear wife to shower,
And another to polish her nails.
--- Bob Birch P0207

Said a henpecked young husband from Astor
Whose wife was a Tae Kwando Master,
"She might let me go out
For a few mugs of stout,
But as always I'm too scared to ask her."
--- Anon

The bridegroom on his wedding night
Presented one hell of a sight.
With his body exposed,
Pink and fleshy he posed,
In the garden of silvery moonlight.
--- Tim Main

His newly wed wife said to him,
"Your chances with me are now slim,
If you don't come in now,
We'll have our first row,
And my lawyer's a nice chap called Jim."
--- Tim Main

The in-laws were living next door,
And couldn't believe what they saw.
A drunken new son
With his wife on the run,
And all of their clothes on the floor.
--- Tim Main

As the old boy saw more than he oughta,
Of his darling princess, or his daughter,
He reached for his whip,
Thought, "This wretched shit
Of a son won't wreck all that I taught her!"
--- Tim Main

At last, the panic abated;
The bride and the groom, they were sated
On each others lust,
Which is honestly just
As well-- from her on, it's X-rated!
--- Tim Main

This is a tale from tradition,
Of an innocent man's position,
When faced with a wife
Who gave him great strife,
Because of unfounded suspicion.
--- Anon

While heading for home with his hound,
A glass fronted object he found
Lying there in the grass.
He looked at the glass
And to his amazement he found ...
--- Anon

...A picture of his old dad;
A sight that made him so glad
He said "I'll take this to show
My darling wife, Flo
And he doubled his speed to their pad.
--- Anon

"Look what I found dear," he cried,
The moment that he got inside.
But she gave just one look
Then with anger she shook;
And with great emotion she cried ...
--- Anon

"So this is the whore you've been to."
(Her face turned a bright cherry hue.)
"You've been having it away
In the fields every day,
And a right ugly cow she is, too!"
--- Anon

A smelly old mariner bold,
To a guest at the wedding feast told
His sad, dreary tale
Of his life under sail,
And his trials in heat and in cold.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The guest said we don't give a toss,
About you and that damned albatross,
Then they pulled down his pants,
And forced him to dance
A jig round the old altar cross.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The bridegroom stood there with his bride,
Waiting to get her outside,
For they'd booked a hotel,
And he knew very well,
Of champagne and a bed long and wide.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The capering seaman she sees,
She trembles and whispers, "No! Please!"
At that ghastly pariah,
Whose balls are on fire,
And his albatross hangs to his knees.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

"It's my Uncle Arthur. What fate!
He ravished me when I was eight."
Then that old pedophile,
Still giggling the while,
Cried "Come on then my niece, let us mate!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

His gnarled old hand grabbed at her dress,
(She no longer showed much distress.)
So onto the altar
He lay his brother's daughter,
And into her body did press.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

By now she'd got over her fright,
And accepted that thing with delight,
While the husband-to-be,
"Cried out "Bugger me!
After that I can never impress."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The guests now were getting quite heated;
Not one of them wished to be cheated.
Soon the aisles and the pews
Ran with love's sweet juice,
As the acts of the bride were repeated.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The bridegroom said "Well, Bugger me."
The vicar replied "allow me.
Bend over my son,
And we can have fun,
Though the archbishop may not agree."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

This is file lpl

So all but the bridegroom did boff,
(The vicar's wee tool had gone soft.)
"You've fucked my dear wife,"
He cried, wielding a knife,
And the mariner's tool was sliced off.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

"You've murdered my old albatross,"
Yelled the mariner, "So now it's not poss-
ible to sow my seed
In these women with need.
You'll be curs-ed for causing this loss."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

So now that we're back with the plot;
Their marriage was frigid, not hot.
For he couldn't compete
With that Seafarer's meat;
For the rest of their lives they just fought.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The warning Ned disregarded
And went on with what he started,
But now has to yell,
"This life is a hell!
I must of been sadly retarded!"
--- Anon

Old snuff-dipping Horace Calhoun
Is know as a man who's rough-hewn;
His wife of great size,
Will sit, spread her thighs;
And use her cunt for a spitoon.
--- Travis Brasell

For a livlihood, Horace digs ditches,
And though the Calhouns ain't got riches,
His wife compensates
By getting him dates
With some of the town's finest bitches.
--- Travis Brasell

When Horace craves his horse's crack,
Miz Calhoun makes sure he'll not lack
The comfort or height
To boff his mare right --
She'll kneel while he stands on her back.
--- Travis Brasell

Now you may say, "Heaven's above!
Why doesn't Miz calhoun just shove
That bastard away?"
Because it's this way:
With Horace, Miz Calhoun's in love!
--- Travis Brasell

There was a young fellow named Fyfe,
Who married the pride of his life.
But imagine his pain
When he struggled in vain,
And just couldn't get into his wife.
--- L0835

Now the trouble was not with our hero,
Who, though no match for Epstein or Nero,
Had a good little dong
That was five inches long,
And as stiff as a parsnip at zero.
--- L0836

But his efforts to poke her, assiduous,
Met a dense growth of hair most prodiguous.
Well, he thought he might dint her
By waiting till winter,
But he found that she wasn't deciduous.
--- L0837

Now here was this fellow named Fyfe,
Unable to diddle his wife.
Which fact, sad but true,
Left him nothing to do
But bugger the girl all his life.
--- L0838

For diversion, that might have been funny,
And of course, it saved him some money.
But it angered our Fifey
To think that his wifey
Was hoarding her deep nest of honey.
--- L0839

He went whoring to find satisfaction.
But with whores, though accomplished in action,
He never could capture
That fine fucking rapture,
For the thought of his wife was distraction.
--- L0840

So here was our fellow named Fyfe,
With a truly impervious wife.
She was not worth a damn,
Being closed as a clam,
Why, he couldn't get in with a knife.
--- L0841

The problem that harassed his soul,
Was 'What kept him out of her hole?
Was her hymen too tough?
Was she stuffed up with fluff?
Was her coosie the home of a mole?'
--- L0842

This was just what poor Fyfe couldn't tell,
For her prow was as sound as a bell.
He'd have needed a gimlet
To get into her quimlet,
And it made the poor guy mad as hell.
--- L0843

He applied to that fellow from Strensall
For help from his long, pointed pencil.
But Strenny's tool now
Was as blunt as the prow
Of a tug, he'd have needed a stencil.
--- L0844

Fyfe searched for the chap from New York,
Who had punctured the hymen like cork.
But he was quite coy,
For he now loved a boy,
And refused to help Fyfe with the stork.
--- L0845

Fyfe asked Durand how much he'd charge,
(The fellow whose cock could contract or enlarge)
To drill his way in
With his prick like a pin,
And there make it slowly enlarge.
--- L0846

But Durand, though he'd fuck with no urgin',
Warned, "Apart from the risk that she'll burgeon,
Your pride must be low
If you'll meekly forego,
A crack at a genuine virgin."
--- L0847

In the spring in the woods Fyfe did wander late,
And saw couples preparing to copulate.
But he could not abide
The gay sight, and he cried
At the thought that the pigfuckers penetrate!
--- L0848

One couple he foolishly leapt on,
To examine the wound and the weapon.
One was rigid, one deep,
The snug fit made him weep,
And in shame and contrition he crept on.
--- L0849

In the meantime, Fyfe's wife, who had wed
With some thought to the pleasures of bed,
Was becoming depressed,
In fact damn near obsessed
By her terribly tough maidenhead.
--- L0850

She remarked, "When all joking is done,
What I honestly want is a son.
I would like impregnation
If not copulation,
But to wed and have neither's no fun."
--- L0851

She grew worried and nervous and thin,
'Till Fyfe said, "You would jump at a pin!"
And those words, though unkind,
Put a thought in her mind
That a pin-point perhaps might get in.
--- L0852

Thus she thought of synthetic conception,
Which at first seemed like basest deception.
But her cunt was so sore
From Fyfe's trying to bore,
That she gave the thought better reception.
--- L0853

And indeed, though it's sad to relate it,
Her first fuck was so sadly belated,
That a poke by a pin,
Though ever so thin,
Was a prospect that made her elated.
--- L0854

To be brief, the great action was done.
There was artfully planted, a son;
Through a bodkin that filled her,
And wonderfully thrilled her,
More fun than a son of a gun!
--- L0855

This syringe, which was long but quite thin,
Left a hole that Fyfe couldn't get in.
But he kept right on busting
And jousting and thrusting,
On account of his excess of vim.
--- L0856

While she mused on this synthetic screw,
The sperm got well-planted, and grew,
And the great day approached
When her breech would be broached,
But Fyfe, the poor wretch, never knew.
--- L0857

One night in sheer desperation,
He prodded and poked like tarnation.
His wife groaned in pain.
She gave way!! Would he gain
The goal of three years contemplation?
--- L0858

The head of his dingus went in!
He felt sure he was going to win!
He thrust like a demon,
He spilt all his semen,
And scraped off a square inch of skin.
--- L0859

But despite all his trying, he found
He was losing, not gaining, his ground.
Though he clung to her thighs
While he tried for the prize,
Each push in caused a greater rebound.
--- L0860

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