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While hunting around Ballybay, I once thought a lot of a friend Yelled a jockey at Epsom race-course, Carthorse or shetland I don't care There was a young fellow from Potton Human avarice hurts the prized horse, There once was a lass christened Cass, There once was a zebra who said, The was a young lady from Morse, There once was a fake vet named Morse, A greedy young pony from Bray A well known horse breeder from Chile, Sir Charles bought a horse for a guinea, In Turkey, they have an old saying, A breeder of horses named Cunningham The horse, of course, is a noble steed, The horse is a beautiful thing. A horse-loving lady of Hote, I took out my hammer and saw Miranda was riding her horse. There once was a small boy named Tony, I pulled in the "drive-through", of course, Trigger died and got packed in a crate "What is," Sam asked in a diffident way, What a valuable asset the horse is; A herd of migrating jack-asses, In the zoo, there's a hog like a ham is on; The zebra is not a strip-ed horse; Edna St Vincent Millay Many female wear a B-bra; You can't see a black stripe at night; There was a young zebra who said, A Grand Canyon mule had a spasm My obstinate plow mule named Hestor, Nurse Wickenham looked and then snapped, "Well, how does that cure 'em, Nurse Wickenham? Mules can be meaner than sin. If we look at a mule we will find A western muleskinner named Laster A mule has a leg in each cornery; My sweetheart's a mule in the mines, A muscular Turk of Stamboul A lady was walking to mass, The City you speak of sounds gritty My faithful cat killed in a trice "Now running down cat was bad boner", We once had a tomcat named Liam It's my own fault I have just one ball, There once was a man from LA, Covering the twat of Ms Pratt, There once was a man from old Rome A robin my cat once befriended, When a woman to cats is devoted, A good Kitten, who purrs and caresses, Last Christmas when Puss was in boots, Said Frieda, the talking cat, My cats are curled up on my bed, There once was a farmer from Maine, Don't put your dead cat in a bin -- The Hoover, in grim silence, sat, A Geordie who lived with his cat, There was a young man from Kamchatka, There was an old housewife of Staines, There once was an old cat named Fred, Mr Ford Aston-Martin Fiat Our kitten, the one we call Louie, Felix's a most evil cat;
Pretty Ellen gave no man his way.
Though pressed hard to yield,
Trotting over a field,
Her horse answered for her, "Neigh, neigh!"
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Who turned out to be in the end,
The southernmost part
(As I'd feared from the start)
Of a horse with a northerly trend.
--- Anon
As he galloped with hurricane force:
"I've beaten the lot!"
But the crowd cried, "You clot!
Go back! You've forgotten your horse!"
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
So long as when I arrive, you're there.
But I do want starters
(I don't mean tomaters)
Because if it doesn't last, it's not fair.
--- Anon
Who tethered his horse with thin cotton.
He said, "When a colt,
It know how to bolt,
But now it's so old, it's forgotten."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who makes profits for men on the course.
What becomes of him when,
He's stopped winning? Why then
He gets flogged in to fields to graze gorse.
--- David A Brooks
Who rode around town on an ass.
Cass wasn't shocked
When her neighbors mocked,
'Cause she never had to buy gas.
--- William K Alsop Jr
"I wish that my stripes were all red."
"Just wait," said the jackal,
"Both the white and the black'll
Be crimson before you are dead."
--- Limber Limericks
Who was always found riding a horse.
While riding she bounced,
She floated and flounced,
And ended up in some green gorse.
--- Clare Waldon
Brought in to inspect a sick horse,
Soon scheduled to race.
So he kept a straight face
And said, "Just let this thing run its course."
--- Graham Lester
Filled his throat with a large hunk of hay.
When they said, "Are you hoarse?"
With a sigh of remorse,
The nag gagged, "I cannot say neigh."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Told his daughter she's awfully silly.
If you belonged to my herd,
I would not say a word;
I'd train you like I train a filly.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
And the brute was so dreadfully skinny,
That a friend said: "Of course
It was meant for a horse,
But he hasn't got room for a whinny!"
--- Verses From Nam P0605
"A tired horse never stops neighing."
So slow to a trot,
So he doesn't get hot,
And vet bills you won't need to be paying.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Worked hard to stay solvent by running 'em;
He sighed, "They're not fast
And come in dead last,
But the action is useful in sunning 'em."
--- Armand Singer P0301
Noted chiefly for his great speed.
His diet every day,
Is oats; lots of hay.
We give thanks for this equidae breed.
--- William K Alsop Jr
I find that they frequently bring
A tear to my eye,
When they start and shy
And stomp my foot on the downswing.
--- Marlene Lewis
Said, "I'm changing my name, so take note.
I intend, for a start,
Not to dine al la carte,
But to eat with my nag table d'oat."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
A horse who was breaking the law.
So I harnessed his feet
To a stone in the street,
And nailed half his tail to his jaw.
--- Heather McCabe
He threw her head first in the gorse.
"I'll oft do a trick
With a good stiff hard prick,
But this number I cannot endorse."
--- Anon
Whose parents had bought him a pony.
He fed his pet oats,
Some hay and some groats,
So his pony never got bony.
--- William K Alsop Jr
At Burger King, then heard a voice
Say, "Hi, may I help you?"
Yelled I, "I should whelp you;
This speaker's too low for my horse."
--- Travis Brasell
Then put on a train labelled "freight"
And was shipped -- clever ploy --
To a very big Roy
Rodgers restaurent in the next state.
--- Michael Weinstein P8412
"The difference between war- and dray-
Horse?" I shook my head
And here's what I said:
"A war-horse darts into the fray!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
I'm amazed at his strength and resources.
Though we ride everywhere,
I am left in despair,
For I'm never too sure what his course is.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2620
Fed on salt and molasses,
With hemorrhoids were afflicted;
But they knew how to fix it:
After shitting, just wipe with wild grasses!
--- Claire
And a few of those crocs from the Amazon.
Though the name I can't find,
Anywhere in my mind,
There is also a horse with pajamas on.
--- Pierce Evans
He cannot be tamed using force.
His talents are hidden,
Because he can't be ridden.
You will not find one on a racecourse.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Was watching a zebra at play.
'Twas no unicorn
For it lacked any horn,
But it caught her and whisked her away.
--- W Paul Ganley P0501
Other are proud of their C-bra.
But were there a prize
For purely great size,
It's have to go to the Zebra.
--- Sam Chen
In daytime you can't see a white;
These facts are based on
At dusk and at dawn,
A zebra remains out of sight.
--- Irving Superior P8511
"Oh, mother, I wish I were dead!
My stripes are all black
Upon white on my back,
But white upon black on my head."
--- Lims Unlimited
Tossing rider and packs down the chasm.
"I'm sorry," he yelped,
"But I just couldn't help't
When I see the big hole I orgasm!
--- Actaeon
This is file lpk
Won't move even though you molest her.
A whip on her withers
Or jab with the scissors,
She'll kick in your head, is my guess, sir.
--- Joseph Eldridge
"Hell, Travis, your lips are damned chapped;
For chapped lip prevention,
I think I should mention,
Just kiss a mules ass when he's crapped."
--- Travis Brasell
And what if his feet, he starts kickin' 'em?
"Oh, kickin' he won't,
And cure 'em, it don't,"
Said she, "But it keeps you from lickin' 'em."
--- Travis Brasell
They really get under your skin.
If you dare turn your back,
They are sure to attack,
And kick you where you have just been.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
There are two legs before, two behind;
If we tickle back door,
We will know evermore
What be for those two legs that be hind.
--- Anon
Said, "A mule will, through peace and disaster,
Serve a man fifteen years
And not lay back his ears,
For just one chance to kick his master."
--- A N Wilkins P8412
Two at the front are just ornery.
Tickle his tail
You'll find without fail,
That he'll kick you to bits without warnery.
--- Anon
I drive her without reins or lines.
On the bumper I stand
With my prick in my hand,
And ram it up my sweetheart's behind.
--- G1283
Tried to pull out the tail of a mule;
But the mule rose in fury
And the coroner's jury
Brought in a quick verdict: "Damn Fool."
--- Vest Pocket Lims P9804
When a mule then leapt out of the grass.
He donned her clothes braying,
Seized her hymnal, while saying,
"Now no one calls me an ungodly ass.
--- Heather McCabe
And pardon, don't mean to be shitty,
But might I enquire
About possible hire
Of some tit for my cat, Max the kitty?
--- Anon
By car-driving gentleman nice.
(Offered to replace)
She said to his face,
"How good are you at catching mice."
--- Daniel Ford
Said car driver to feline's owner.
"Can I please replace?"
Said she with straight face,
"Only if you catch mice as a loaner."
--- Chris Papa
And goldfish, he sure loved to see 'em.
And though he but purred,
We quickly inferred
That his motto was this: "carpe diem."
--- Graham Lester
And it's lucky I have one at all;
I'm also cross-eyed,
And shouldn't have tried
To wear my poor cat as a shawl.
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
Who ate twenty Big Macs every day.
He trod on a cat,
And crushed the beast flat,
And now has a cat-hair toupee.
--- Anon
Was an enormously large felt hat.
With a sly little grin,
She slipped her hand in,
And pulled out Dr Seuss's pet cat.
--- Mike Prsnut
Who took a cat into his home.
It had fur so unruly,
The fellow said, "Truly,
This cat needs a good catacomb."
--- Paul Lusch P9402
Till one day the relationship ended.
I came home to find
My cat changed her mind;
From her mouth a lone feather extended.
--- Kathy Littrell
She's maybe more lonely than's noted.
It's not that she's smitten
By a cute little kitten,
Just her surrogate child that's fur-coated.
--- Anon
Who licks her lips as she undresses,
Whose cuddles subdue
The mice, helpless and few,
Then fall victim, and end up in messes.
--- Anon
He met a young tabby called Toots;
They looked at a condom
But found it beyond them,
So what do you bet on the fruits?
--- Gina Berkeley
"I'll tell you where it is at.
We have no objection
To a little affection,
But we'd rather have food, and that's that!"
--- Writerman
Purring contentedly now they've been fed.
They'll soon let me know
When it's time I should go
To work, so they can sleep here instead.
--- Funny Bone
Who left his cat out in the rain.
It snarled and hissed;
It really was pissed;
It chased field mice INTO the grain.
--- Treva Myatt T9710
For soon rigor mortis sets in;
After which you can use
It for cleaning your loo's,
If its tail is more bushy than thin.
--- Anon
But sucking no more at the mat.
Quietly it grunted,
As slowly it shunted,
And messily disgorged the cat.
--- David Woodsford
Spent his day drinking beer from a vat.
Whenever he'd trip
On the damned cat and slip,
He would call out its name, Cooking Fat!
--- Arthur Deex P0507
Who owned an incontinent catka.
He fitted a cork an'
Sent him to the Balkans...
A shiite was shot when it shatka.
--- Anon
Who complained to a man of the drains.
The councilman spat,
"I've removed the dead cat.
Now it's only the smell that remains."
--- E O Parrot
Who enjoyed sleeping under his bed.
One nice day he lay
Out on the highway;
I quite understand why he's dead.
--- D'arcy
Is a beautiful marmalade cat.
He has a deep purr;
Sweetly warm is his fur,
And he'll sit on your head like a hat.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Will never eat liver so chewy,
Nor the milk, nor the fish
That we put in his dish.
He only will dine on chop suey.
--- Anon
He cares not a jot where he shat.
Slippers and shoes,
He'd not care where he poos,
And he laughs when he hears your feet splat!
--- West End Writers
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