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The harder the poor fellow tried, As he passed, a new life was begun, Don't worry 'bout Canadian wives; No pretzels? No beer? Bah! Divorce! Hey...this Sally, is she five foot three? I've wondered where she got all this change. The tragic of marriage is sad. I'd agree in principle I'm sure, I'd ply them with beer and with wine I see you're a darn good masseuse; In marriage there's often a glitch, A young bloke, you fall for his wit; "Hey Doctor, I feel like a louse Trav's spouse thought the idea fine. At my age I don't mind them handing If you are breathtakingly gorgeous, (Company matches beautiful women, rich men)
And you rich guys who seek trophy wife, Now ladies, if't works as it should, Said Bubba to his best friend, Jake, "I'm watching!" said his Mrs Walker I'm looking in shock and surprise. Hello! Here's your fries and your drink. You see, it's just us up in here; Well, smooches right back at you, Dear. Well, actually, I've had to work Sam took the sweet virgin to bed; Abdullah took a virgin to bed; Sally's dad came to call in the night; (A formal weeding, the shotgun was painted white - McW)
It's been just ten years since I led (must be a firearm of some sort - McW)
After spending the night in his bed, A misogynist stubborn and volatile, Sir Pudluster missed a just slaughter, A son-in-law's a son At the altar they stood side by side; The groom says his vows with a stammer, The grooms here in Bama are best; BMX is the sporting sensation Tom found his new boss inspirational. While Sam lay asleep in the hall, Says the lad in self-pleasuring thrall, No reason, but this I declare; As I strangled the chicken with glee, A macho truck driver named Ricken, Down the street was a butcher named Pete; "Eat bran every morning," said gran; An outraged churchgoer named Kay A fat man who couldn't be meaner, Said this fellow, "I see what they're doing." My friend, it is easy to shirk There once lived a man of the cloth, When retired, good old boys hope to jerk, Jack lay in bed pulling his pud Randolph was sure he could quit A country boy's seed has been sowed While driving along on the highway. An old pirate cookie named Gator A frustrated youth in Old Mystic I knocked but she didn't hear, A pitiful fellow named Humber Coming in hand's not my scene; Complaints will arise like hot mist. I concur with your wise observation There was a young lad of Helsinki, We know that sex relieves tension, To criticize, eager young Bruce, I was caught having a wank in the loo,
The more her hold filled, from inside.
'Till he fell back quite spent,
His prick battered and bent,
And a few minutes later, he died.
--- L0861
And his tomb tells how he was undone.
"Shed a tear for poor Fyfe,
His imperforate wife
Did him in with the aid of their son."
--- L0862
We know what it takes to thrive.
Hide his pretzels and beer
And TV changer so dear;
They're real sweet when they're deprived
--- Azul
I'd rather sleep next to a horse,
Than live without booze,
Chips, chicks, afternoon snooze.
Deprivation -- there's nothing that's worse.
--- Nik Synytskyy
Blonde hair, blue eyes, and pretty?
If this is the lass,
Then I'm kicking her ass.
That bitch just got married to me!
--- Anon
The coming home late, it was strange.
If it's truth what I hear,
Well my foot's in her rear.
I've a new target at the firing range!
--- Anon
You're constantly struggling like mad,
Solving problems severe
That from nowhere appear,
And as bachelor you never had.
--- Dirruk
But of husbands, I'd like a score,
To tiddle their noses
And massage their toeses;
Perhaps just a few dozen more.
--- Wobbly
And admire their muscles sublime.
John, Paul, Joe, and Jack;
I'd massage their back.
A hundred or so would be fine!
--- Wobbly
By mixing a rub with some booze,
You get a cocktail
That will never fail
To lead you to multiple screws.
--- Dirruk
You find you have married a bitch.
She once was nice,
All sugar and spice;
Now she's an evil old witch.
--- Mushroom
His charm and you know that he's it.
'Twas the love of your life,
But now gives you strife,
'Cause he really a miserable shit.
--- Jayne
For having some whores at my house
And Hell, my wife too;
So what should I do?"
Said he, "I'd get rid of the spouse!"
--- Travis Brasell
Yelled "Get out! This place is mine."
Wine, women, and song,
And Travis's dong
Are now standing in the bread line.
--- Marlene Lewis
Me bread in the bread line nor stranding
My ass on the street,
In heat, snow or sleet...
As long as my dong keeps on standing.
--- Travis Brasell
And posess the sang-froid of the Borgias,
Just sign on the line
To meet 8's and 9's --
As in 8 or 9 figure portfolios.
--- Dr Limerick
To enhance a few years of your life;
For a fee, we will function
To provide introductions --
But do not promise freedom from strife.
--- Dr Limerick
You two may stay married for good --
Until death do you part,
Then the real fun starts
When disinherited kids file suit.
--- Dr Limerick
"My marriage is more'n I can take.
I constantly hear her
Say, "Just like a mirror,
I watch every ove that you make!"
--- Observer
An Bubba just wanted to balk her.
He looked left and then right.
She was always in sight,
So he took out his cornpipe to stalk her.
--- Archie
I think it's my favorite Blue Eyes --
I need a new drink;
In a chair I will sink;
But first, can I have that with fries?
--- Archie
Our glasses together lets clink.
You're looking so fine!
As I pour your wine.
Do you mind if I give you a wink?
--- Bridget
The others -- they drank too much beer.
You hear all that roaring?
It's just Tiddy snoring.
So what's new with you in this year?
--- Bridget
I've simply been sitting right here,
Enjoying the scenes
And wearing new jeans
While hoping that you'd re-appear.
--- Archie
And teaching young kids is a perk.
And life would be poorer
When I leave Lake Dora,
For the boss is not much of a jerk.
--- Archie
Not a word about marriage was said.
Some snitch told her dad
That she had been had;
In no time at all they were wed.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0508
Not a word about marriage was said
The mullah told her dad
That she had been had;
In no time at all she was dead.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0508
In his hand was a shotgun, all white.
He said to me, "Son
Kindly notice this gun:
The service will be at first light."
--- John Miller 0040
My dear bride down the aisle to be wed;
A gem among blokes,
Her father still jokes
Of the Wessinger trained on my head.
--- Jester Jon
She proposed that they ought to get wed.
He laughed. "Married? To you?"
But he mumbled "I do,"
With her father's shotgun at his head.
--- William N Nesbit P9711
Was compelled to perform matters coital.
He'd once lost his head,
And by shotgun was wed,
Though he raged that he'd rather be stoical.
--- G2740
For seducing the Duke's virgin daughter;
He was dragged to the castle,
Where the Duke said "You ass'le!
You broke it, here's a ring, you just bought her!"
--- Anon
Who loved a honeybun
And life and spring
And everything,
Except a loaded gun.
--- William K Alsop P8910
This is file lol
The groom holding the hand of his bride.
But his knees turned to jelly,
When he noticed her belly,
And was kicked by a foot from inside.
--- Anon
Or else he is off to the slammer;
At the point of a gun,
He will pay for his fun;
That's life there in old Alabammer!
--- Anon
They go to the altar with zest.
When the wedding has ended,
The groom still looks splended;
He's handsome in his bullet-proof vest.
--- Anon
That's sweeping the youth of our nation!
It's the motocross bike
That the teenagers like,
Even more than they do masturbation.
--- Rory Ewins
Her legs, in tight skirts, were sensational!
Her alluring eyes
Made his temperature rise.
He became, in a word, masturbational!
--- Lims For Year - 01
A bug on his pecker did craw.
The bug thought it fun
To tickle his gun;
Sam pasted the bug to the wall.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
"It doesn't cause blindness at all!"
But a spot of castration
Soon stops masturbation.
No balls means he won't have a ball.
--- Anon
Like those climbers when asked why they dare
Scale a vertical hillM
The reply's "For the thrill",
And the classic, of course, "'Cause it's there."
--- Anon
A wonderous thought entered me.
Why sit and kill birds
When there now exist herds
In the country to strangle for free.
--- James Devine
Claims sex on the road keeps him tickin'.
But in spite of his quips,
On most of his trips,
He spends his nights chokin' his chicken!
--- Pierce Evans
He was known to be skillful and neat.
He stated, with pride,
"All kidding aside,
Believe me, you can't beat my meat."
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
"It eases the passage, young man."
I have to admit,
Though, my copy of "Tits"
Eased an urgency more than the bran.
--- Anon
Insisted we all have to pray;
"Nine-tenths of our nation
Enjoys masturbation;
The others will try it today!"
--- Armand Singer
Really liked to play with his weiner.
After a day
Of jerking away,
He found that his arms were much leaner.
--- Anon
(Through a crack in the wall he was viewing.)
"I can see at a glance
Someone's hand in his pants.
It's likely some fun is a-brewing."
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
From doing a good day of work.
Escape from the slog,
Go straight to the bog,
And give your wee todger a jerk.
--- SFA
Who jerked off to the writings of Roth.
Thus he did repent
With his eyes heaven-bent;
At least my hand's sin wasn't sloth!
--- Phil T
At their leisure, wherever they lurk;
But, when old and disgusting,
With hardware that's rusting,
To "play" with yourself is hard work!
--- Anon
And shortly a hot pasty flood
Evoked by his floggin'
Flew over his noggin
And hit the headboard with a thud.
--- Randog
Jerking off without having a fit,
But found his resolve
Very quickly dissolved;
He just can't keep his hands off of it.
--- Dr Limerick
And, lo and behold, hellions growed
In his mama's garden;
Quipped he, "Shucks, Ma, pardon.
I wouldn't have sowed if I'd knowed!"
--- Travis Brasell
A horny young man he did play.
He was masturbasting;
The car was vibrating,
And the windshield got covered with spray.
--- Brad
Taught me: shore fishing's best done in waders.
I moved up from second class
Straight up to first class,
And now I'm a true Master Baiter.
--- Gibbon the Troubadour
Was known to be mean and sadistic,
But that was before
He found out the score,
From a muscular wife who was fistic.
--- Alsops Foibles
So engrossed in her pleasure, I fear.
Thus I stayed at her door
'Til quarter to four,
And imagined my knob in her rear.
--- Anon
Showed signs of a great need for slumber;
The simple old fool
Kept flogging his tool,
All night after night without number.
--- Armand Singer
I stopped that since I was a teen.
I also confess
That I do not mess
The pages of my magazine.
--- Anon
Though playing solo onanist,
Does much to bring calm,
[Except to your palm]
When hormonal urgings insist.
--- Chris Papa
That wanking is not aberration;
Though some say that sex
Has splendid effects,
It cannot supplant masturbation.
--- Anon
An author of limericks kinky,
Who found it exciting
To read his own writing,
While yanking and wanking his dinky.
--- Peter Wilkins
A fact of little dissension;
So when I'm tense and spry,
With just me and I,
We hold a five finger convention.
--- Anon
Needs only a meager excuse.
But what does he do,
When no target's in view?
He practices much self abuse.
--- Pierce Evans
By my old auntie, who is called Sue,
With jazz mag in one hand,
And erection so grand,
She asked, "Can I join in with you, too?"
--- Anon
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