A strange Portland postman named Pete
Had a very weird fetish for feet.
A glimpse of a toe
Would cause him to go
To an alley and finger his meat.
--- Larry Wilde

Boys will be boys, so they say.
They jerk off almost every day.
They pull, wank, and rub,
In the shower or tub,
From June right on through until May!
--- Anon

He uses three days in the week
On which to perfect his technique;
He tickles his dummy,
While playing gin rummy,
Which makes all the stimuli peak.
--- Armand Singer

No matter how low is your station,
You stand with the lords of your nation.
You stand with your King
When you beat on your thing,
In the common great male occupation.
--- Phil T

I can't say how I diddle my middle
And how-does-it-work is a riddle.
I do not feel much shame;
It's not two times the same,
But it's both hands (like playing the fiddle).
--- Ulla

A fever has started to burn,
And this fiddle technique I must learn.
Can you give me a hint --
When you diddle the dent;
Which parts do you favor or spurn?
--- Hugh Clary

Now I will take my best shot,
At rubbin' your nubbin so hot;
But I'd rather my digit
That wiggles your widget,
Be attached to my frenulum, what?
--- Hugh Clary

You could start, (please allow me to be
More explicit) with caressing me
In regions more higher,
But if "low"'s your desire,
Here's my bumcheeks to fondle. Feel free...
--- Ulla

A boy in a bathtub named Mize
Is pulling the wings off of flies.
He then lets them walk
On the head of his cock
Until he just lies back and sighs.
--- David Miller

There is an old lecher named Holt
Whose dingus just shot its last bolt;
Abused almost nightly,
Perhaps impolitely,
It withered away in revolt.
--- Armand Singer

Some guys may just be in a bind,
If no sex is all they can find.
They don't do the big M?
What's the matter with them?
Do they think is will make them go blind?
--- Faerie

A young self-abuser named Nat,
Was warned by his mom to stop THAT.
He said, "You old shrew,
Those myths are not true."
(The poor kid went blind as a bat.)

(I kept it up until I needed glasses - McW)
--- Margaret A Murdock P8302 A

A wanker from Rararatonger
Was chastened for stroking his donger.
"You'll start losing your mind,
Probably go blind,
And the hairs on your palm will grow longer!"
--- Percy Longprong

Mama told me one long-ago night,
(And I'm sure that Mama must have been right)
She said girls and boys
Shouldn't play with their toys.
It will make them go blind, how's your sight?
--- Kaylin Brandon a

Perhaps my dear mama was right;
"You'll go blind whacking off in the night!"
I beat it for years,
Spewing spunk past my ears.
Now, to find it, I need lots of light!
--- Anon

Now what is this strange new compunction
To play with a thing once defunct? Shun!
It'll lead to palm hair
And a blind-eyed stare,
And later, complete loss of function.
--- Ericka

You are in a bit of a bind;
Maybe just out of your mind.
I'm now here to tell ya'
You misguided fella,
STOP IT or else you will go blind.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

Consider then, Johannes Brahms,
Whose salute to the manifold charms
Of self-gratification,
Was muffled ovation,
Because of the hair on his palms.
--- Scott

Because of diminished potentia
I propose intercourse in absentia.
But indulgence in
The secret sin
Can cause hairy palms and dementia.
--- Jim Jambor P9009

Many young men self-abuse do FORSWEAR,
When from urges they come up for air.
Because they do fear
What from Grandma they hear,
On their palms will grow even more hair.
--- Daniel Ford

Envisioning cunts with their furry
Surroundings, I wank in a hurry,
In hope that a blast
From pumping quite fast,
Will keep my damn eyesight unblurry!
--- Travis Brasell

Beware all ye who masturbate,
For certain, you'll DEBILITATE,
Like Samson, your power;
In darkness, you'll cower.
For blindness is your certain fate.
--- Chris Papa

The flogging of dummies' no crime
But done all too much of the time;
It rots a guys brain
And drives him insane --
Thus cutting him down in his prime.
--- Armand E Singer 640

A distracted young mother named Frommes
Spent her time in the church singing psalms,
For her son, keen and bright,
Suffered loss in his sight,
And had hair growing thick on his palms.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1858

Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw
Re: Sex, spoke on church and our state law;
With mucous gurglings
'Bout feminine fur-things,
While checking the palms of each hot paw!
--- Anon

There was an old man of Arbuzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, "That's your toe,"
He replied, "It is so?
I thought I was jerking my putzi."
--- Edwardian Leer 095 P9306

Now Nan was a hard thing to find;
A lovely young girl with a mind.
But the sad thing was she
Was too young for me,
So instead I just kept going blind.
--- John Miller

I'm suddenly lonely, I find.
Have I just gone out of my mind?
I wish there were more
Folks sharing this chore,
I surely don't want to go blind!
--- Anon

Oh let us sing paeans and psalms
To those who effect hairy palms.
'Tis said they go blind,
But deep in their mind,
They don't seem to have any qualms.
--- Chris Papa

Ah yes! Now it's starting to fit;
Coming together now bit by bit.
Masturbate and go blind...
Jeeze I'm in a bind;
No wonder I can't see worth shit!
--- MrMalo a

A young man from Brighton-on-Sands
Had big sores on the palms of his hands,
Which looked by a blister,
And so does his sister.
And they're blind, so no one understands.
--- Eric West

A balding young fellow named Harry,
Has hands that are really quite scary.
Now he has an excuse;
It is not self abuse,
But Rogaine that makes his palms hairy.
--- Pierce Evans

Your mom said your eyes were connected
To your self-touched member erected?
So you sometimes go blind
Lusting for your young find,
But it's caused by your giz not deflected.
--- Anon

This is file lnl

A guy of fastidious mind
Envied cats who could lick their behind.
While stretching his tongue
To lick his own bung,
He became stoop-shouldered and blind.
--- Red Cervicalli

I once knew a pickpocket called Pete
And at dipping he wasn't so neat.
Although of sharp mind,
He was totaly blind;
That'll teach him to play with his meat.
--- Anon

Of lays these fine days, please be wary.
Those testing results can be scary.
But don't have any qualms
About hair-bearing palms.
(Beside which it's Tom's Dick that's Hairy.)
--- TP9804

The girl of a fellow named Larry,
Complains of his palms, which are hairy.
If fact or if fiction,
This friction affliction
Should vanish as soon as they marry.
--- Pierce Evans

My hand is all gooey and funky;
I have to admit I'm a junkie.
Pinched me today.
Just can't stop from spanking the monkey.
--- Irish

My friends are all quick to condemn;
They'd sooner I'd be with some femme.
I beg your pardon,
I'm tough in the garden;
I've just got to polish that stem.
--- Irish

My pulse is now starting to quicken.
The palms of my hand I'm a lickin'.
Old Farmer Brown
Don't want me around.
Just can't stop from choking the chicken!
--- Irish

Oh God! I think fate is unkind;
The tip of my nose I can't find.
The room is all hazy.
Am I going crazy?
Damn it to Hell! I've gone blind.
--- Irish

It wasn't math cost you your sight,
But reading that porn every night,
While with your right hand,
You pounded your gland,
Till eyewards the jizm took flight.
--- Anon

It was porn that weakened my vision;
I'm now the object of derision.
Though my eye-sight's a curse,
My abusement was worse
When they videoed my circumcision.
--- David Miller

Do you want to help me to spank it?
Take hold with both hands, but don't yank it.
Too hard my sweet,
You might hurt my meat,
If you use too much torque as you wank it!
--- Anon

If on self-abuse you'll concentrate,
You can understand odd young Miss Straight.
She will say, "A burst meat,"
Or she'll cry, "Ma rubs teat!"
(Anagrams for the word "masturbate.")
--- G2681

When woman is getting the fever,
A man would be foolish to leave her.
For what she'll resent,
Is not that he went,
But left her to bash her own beaver.
--- Anon

Claimed a practical virgin named Joan,
As she'd masturbate, whimper, and moan,
"No clothes to keep clean,
Nor fancy cuisine;
I just like it much more on my own."
--- Armand Singer

There was a young girl from Cardiff
Who publicly fingered her quiff.
When asked why, she would say
In a truculent way,
"Well it's better than getting the syph."
--- G1904

Hell hath no fury like Carol's lobito;
A clit the size of a burrito.
The toys she abuses,
Whilst blowing the fuses;
She dreams of the Frito Bandito.
--- Duke Sandefur

When Lady Victoria Plumb
To pleasure's about to succumb,
She rings for old Cutler,
Her favorite butler,
To finish her off with his thumb.
--- Anon

He's clinical, proper and bland,
But he does his best work on demand.
I am quite annoyed
I have not employed
A butler with his golden hand.
--- Marlene Lewis

To work as a young daddy's squire
Is something to which I aspire.
Where I'll aim to please
Is 'twixt waist and knees
So when I yell PULL!, she yells FIRE!
--- SFA

A woman from South Philadelphia
Once found herself left on the shelfia.
No one wanted her wares,
But she muttered, "Who cares?"
And cheerfully played with herselfia.
--- Isaac Asimov

Some limericks are too didactical,
But women find them to be practical.
They read them and linger,
Then probe with a finger,
And find limericks to be climatical.
--- Anon

There once was a girl who'd not shit,
Because she did play with her clit.
The doctor said, "Stop!"
So she pulled off her top,
And started to play with her tit.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was, I suppose.
And I watched fascinated
As Rose masturbated
Herself with the tip of her nose.
--- Peter Wilkins

One day she got tied in a knot,
With her nose on her clitoral spot.
I said, "Rose? You okay?"
She said, "Fine. Go away.
For I'm coming and don't give a jot."
--- Peter Wilkins

Oh Father, I have a confession!
Masturbation is now my obsession.
When I vibrate for fun,
My hand's number one;
It feels great and it cures all depression.
--- Fgo TP9804

At work she would often malinger,
Our sexy receptionist Inge;
She'd often spend days
In a permanent haze,
With an itch she would scratch with her finger.
--- Anon

There was a young girl from Cheyenne
With a horrible loathing for men.
Instead, 'twas her pleasure,
In moments of leisure,
To gentle herself with a pen.
--- G2101

An elderly spinster, DeWitt,
Was asked one day if she felt fit.
She said, quite sedately,
"Haven't felt myself lately."
"Good. A damn good habit to quit."
--- Clarence E Boyle P9011

"The best part is right in the middle,"
Said a spinster named Old Lady Biddle.
"With a mirror in hand,
You can find the right gland,
And give it a jolly good twiddle."
--- TuttaGioia

There once was a woman named Sutton,
Who played night and day with her button.
When asked why she did,
She mentioned her id,
And confessed to just being a glutton.
--- Anon

I didn't hear it that way,
She waited for nearly a day,
And then, most frustrated,
That gal masturbated,
Those bastards don't come, when they say.
--- Anon

A cowgirl who lived in Vancouver,
Complained that no cowboy could move her.
She said, "No guy in buckskin
Can compare with the suction,
I get from the tube on my Hoover."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0201

There once was this girl from Sri Lanka,
A dusky-skinned maid named Bianca.
Each day she would sit
And play with her clit.
She was an incredible wanker!
--- Anon

"Ah'm back in the saddle agin!"
Whooped a bow-legged cowgirl named Lynn;
"It's a way to lose weight'n
First rate masturbatin';
One hoss is worth forty-eight men!!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8412