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A strange Portland postman named Pete Boys will be boys, so they say. He uses three days in the week No matter how low is your station, I can't say how I diddle my middle A fever has started to burn, Now I will take my best shot, You could start, (please allow me to be A boy in a bathtub named Mize There is an old lecher named Holt Some guys may just be in a bind, A young self-abuser named Nat, (I kept it up until I needed glasses - McW)
A wanker from Rararatonger Mama told me one long-ago night, Perhaps my dear mama was right; Now what is this strange new compunction You are in a bit of a bind; Consider then, Johannes Brahms, Because of diminished potentia Many young men self-abuse do FORSWEAR, Envisioning cunts with their furry Beware all ye who masturbate, The flogging of dummies' no crime A distracted young mother named Frommes Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw There was an old man of Arbuzzi, Now Nan was a hard thing to find; I'm suddenly lonely, I find. Oh let us sing paeans and psalms Ah yes! Now it's starting to fit; A young man from Brighton-on-Sands A balding young fellow named Harry, Your mom said your eyes were connected A guy of fastidious mind I once knew a pickpocket called Pete Of lays these fine days, please be wary. The girl of a fellow named Larry, My hand is all gooey and funky; My friends are all quick to condemn; My pulse is now starting to quicken. Oh God! I think fate is unkind; It wasn't math cost you your sight, It was porn that weakened my vision; Do you want to help me to spank it? If on self-abuse you'll concentrate, When woman is getting the fever, Claimed a practical virgin named Joan, There was a young girl from Cardiff Hell hath no fury like Carol's lobito; When Lady Victoria Plumb He's clinical, proper and bland, To work as a young daddy's squire A woman from South Philadelphia Some limericks are too didactical, There once was a girl who'd not shit, I once had a ladyfriend, Rose, One day she got tied in a knot, Oh Father, I have a confession! At work she would often malinger, There was a young girl from Cheyenne An elderly spinster, DeWitt, "The best part is right in the middle," There once was a woman named Sutton, I didn't hear it that way, A cowgirl who lived in Vancouver, There once was this girl from Sri Lanka, "Ah'm back in the saddle agin!"
Had a very weird fetish for feet.
A glimpse of a toe
Would cause him to go
To an alley and finger his meat.
--- Larry Wilde
They jerk off almost every day.
They pull, wank, and rub,
In the shower or tub,
From June right on through until May!
--- Anon
On which to perfect his technique;
He tickles his dummy,
While playing gin rummy,
Which makes all the stimuli peak.
--- Armand Singer
You stand with the lords of your nation.
You stand with your King
When you beat on your thing,
In the common great male occupation.
--- Phil T
And how-does-it-work is a riddle.
I do not feel much shame;
It's not two times the same,
But it's both hands (like playing the fiddle).
--- Ulla
And this fiddle technique I must learn.
Can you give me a hint --
When you diddle the dent;
Which parts do you favor or spurn?
--- Hugh Clary
At rubbin' your nubbin so hot;
But I'd rather my digit
That wiggles your widget,
Be attached to my frenulum, what?
--- Hugh Clary
More explicit) with caressing me
In regions more higher,
But if "low"'s your desire,
Here's my bumcheeks to fondle. Feel free...
--- Ulla
Is pulling the wings off of flies.
He then lets them walk
On the head of his cock
Until he just lies back and sighs.
--- David Miller
Whose dingus just shot its last bolt;
Abused almost nightly,
Perhaps impolitely,
It withered away in revolt.
--- Armand Singer
If no sex is all they can find.
They don't do the big M?
What's the matter with them?
Do they think is will make them go blind?
--- Faerie
Was warned by his mom to stop THAT.
He said, "You old shrew,
Those myths are not true."
(The poor kid went blind as a bat.)
--- Margaret A Murdock P8302 A
Was chastened for stroking his donger.
"You'll start losing your mind,
Probably go blind,
And the hairs on your palm will grow longer!"
--- Percy Longprong
(And I'm sure that Mama must have been right)
She said girls and boys
Shouldn't play with their toys.
It will make them go blind, how's your sight?
--- Kaylin Brandon a
"You'll go blind whacking off in the night!"
I beat it for years,
Spewing spunk past my ears.
Now, to find it, I need lots of light!
--- Anon
To play with a thing once defunct? Shun!
It'll lead to palm hair
And a blind-eyed stare,
And later, complete loss of function.
--- Ericka
Maybe just out of your mind.
I'm now here to tell ya'
You misguided fella,
STOP IT or else you will go blind.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Whose salute to the manifold charms
Of self-gratification,
Was muffled ovation,
Because of the hair on his palms.
--- Scott
I propose intercourse in absentia.
But indulgence in
The secret sin
Can cause hairy palms and dementia.
--- Jim Jambor P9009
When from urges they come up for air.
Because they do fear
What from Grandma they hear,
On their palms will grow even more hair.
--- Daniel Ford
Surroundings, I wank in a hurry,
In hope that a blast
From pumping quite fast,
Will keep my damn eyesight unblurry!
--- Travis Brasell
For certain, you'll DEBILITATE,
Like Samson, your power;
In darkness, you'll cower.
For blindness is your certain fate.
--- Chris Papa
But done all too much of the time;
It rots a guys brain
And drives him insane --
Thus cutting him down in his prime.
--- Armand E Singer 640
Spent her time in the church singing psalms,
For her son, keen and bright,
Suffered loss in his sight,
And had hair growing thick on his palms.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1858
Re: Sex, spoke on church and our state law;
With mucous gurglings
'Bout feminine fur-things,
While checking the palms of each hot paw!
--- Anon
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, "That's your toe,"
He replied, "It is so?
I thought I was jerking my putzi."
--- Edwardian Leer 095 P9306
A lovely young girl with a mind.
But the sad thing was she
Was too young for me,
So instead I just kept going blind.
--- John Miller
Have I just gone out of my mind?
I wish there were more
Folks sharing this chore,
I surely don't want to go blind!
--- Anon
To those who effect hairy palms.
'Tis said they go blind,
But deep in their mind,
They don't seem to have any qualms.
--- Chris Papa
Coming together now bit by bit.
Masturbate and go blind...
Jeeze I'm in a bind;
No wonder I can't see worth shit!
--- MrMalo a
Had big sores on the palms of his hands,
Which looked by a blister,
And so does his sister.
And they're blind, so no one understands.
--- Eric West
Has hands that are really quite scary.
Now he has an excuse;
It is not self abuse,
But Rogaine that makes his palms hairy.
--- Pierce Evans
To your self-touched member erected?
So you sometimes go blind
Lusting for your young find,
But it's caused by your giz not deflected.
--- Anon
This is file lnl
Envied cats who could lick their behind.
While stretching his tongue
To lick his own bung,
He became stoop-shouldered and blind.
--- Red Cervicalli
And at dipping he wasn't so neat.
Although of sharp mind,
He was totaly blind;
That'll teach him to play with his meat.
--- Anon
Those testing results can be scary.
But don't have any qualms
About hair-bearing palms.
(Beside which it's Tom's Dick that's Hairy.)
--- TP9804
Complains of his palms, which are hairy.
If fact or if fiction,
This friction affliction
Should vanish as soon as they marry.
--- Pierce Evans
I have to admit I'm a junkie.
The SPCA
Pinched me today.
Just can't stop from spanking the monkey.
--- Irish
They'd sooner I'd be with some femme.
I beg your pardon,
I'm tough in the garden;
I've just got to polish that stem.
--- Irish
The palms of my hand I'm a lickin'.
Old Farmer Brown
Don't want me around.
Just can't stop from choking the chicken!
--- Irish
The tip of my nose I can't find.
The room is all hazy.
Am I going crazy?
Damn it to Hell! I've gone blind.
--- Irish
But reading that porn every night,
While with your right hand,
You pounded your gland,
Till eyewards the jizm took flight.
--- Anon
I'm now the object of derision.
Though my eye-sight's a curse,
My abusement was worse
When they videoed my circumcision.
--- David Miller
Take hold with both hands, but don't yank it.
Too hard my sweet,
You might hurt my meat,
If you use too much torque as you wank it!
--- Anon
You can understand odd young Miss Straight.
She will say, "A burst meat,"
Or she'll cry, "Ma rubs teat!"
(Anagrams for the word "masturbate.")
--- G2681
A man would be foolish to leave her.
For what she'll resent,
Is not that he went,
But left her to bash her own beaver.
--- Anon
As she'd masturbate, whimper, and moan,
"No clothes to keep clean,
Nor fancy cuisine;
I just like it much more on my own."
--- Armand Singer
Who publicly fingered her quiff.
When asked why, she would say
In a truculent way,
"Well it's better than getting the syph."
--- G1904
A clit the size of a burrito.
The toys she abuses,
Whilst blowing the fuses;
She dreams of the Frito Bandito.
--- Duke Sandefur
To pleasure's about to succumb,
She rings for old Cutler,
Her favorite butler,
To finish her off with his thumb.
--- Anon
But he does his best work on demand.
I am quite annoyed
I have not employed
A butler with his golden hand.
--- Marlene Lewis
Is something to which I aspire.
Where I'll aim to please
Is 'twixt waist and knees
So when I yell PULL!, she yells FIRE!
--- SFA
Once found herself left on the shelfia.
No one wanted her wares,
But she muttered, "Who cares?"
And cheerfully played with herselfia.
--- Isaac Asimov
But women find them to be practical.
They read them and linger,
Then probe with a finger,
And find limericks to be climatical.
--- Anon
Because she did play with her clit.
The doctor said, "Stop!"
So she pulled off her top,
And started to play with her tit.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Double-jointed she was, I suppose.
And I watched fascinated
As Rose masturbated
Herself with the tip of her nose.
--- Peter Wilkins
With her nose on her clitoral spot.
I said, "Rose? You okay?"
She said, "Fine. Go away.
For I'm coming and don't give a jot."
--- Peter Wilkins
Masturbation is now my obsession.
When I vibrate for fun,
My hand's number one;
It feels great and it cures all depression.
--- Fgo TP9804
Our sexy receptionist Inge;
She'd often spend days
In a permanent haze,
With an itch she would scratch with her finger.
--- Anon
With a horrible loathing for men.
Instead, 'twas her pleasure,
In moments of leisure,
To gentle herself with a pen.
--- G2101
Was asked one day if she felt fit.
She said, quite sedately,
"Haven't felt myself lately."
"Good. A damn good habit to quit."
--- Clarence E Boyle P9011
Said a spinster named Old Lady Biddle.
"With a mirror in hand,
You can find the right gland,
And give it a jolly good twiddle."
--- TuttaGioia
Who played night and day with her button.
When asked why she did,
She mentioned her id,
And confessed to just being a glutton.
--- Anon
She waited for nearly a day,
And then, most frustrated,
That gal masturbated,
Those bastards don't come, when they say.
--- Anon
Complained that no cowboy could move her.
She said, "No guy in buckskin
Can compare with the suction,
I get from the tube on my Hoover."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0201
A dusky-skinned maid named Bianca.
Each day she would sit
And play with her clit.
She was an incredible wanker!
--- Anon
Whooped a bow-legged cowgirl named Lynn;
"It's a way to lose weight'n
First rate masturbatin';
One hoss is worth forty-eight men!!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8412
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