"Oh please hurry up in the loo,
You've been there for ages," said Sue.
As she knelt down to spy
Through the keyhole, oh my,
She did get an eyeful of goo!
--- Anon

There once was a young man named Ned,
Who once started tugging in bed.
His penis erupted,
His sheets were corrupted,
And his duvet got stuck to his head.
--- Richard Garner

There was a young man from Dunrose,
Who played with himself beneath clothes.
His landlady said
While changing his bed,
"He's a bugger for blowing his nose!"
--- Alan Britain

There was a young man from Peru,
Who took a long trip by canoe.
While staring at Venus,
And rubbing his penis,
He wound up with a handful of goo.

(He wound up with a canoe full of goo.)
--- Anon P

There once was a gangster named Brown,
The wiliest bastard in town.
He was caught by the G-men
While shooting his semen,
Where the cops would all slip and fall down.
--- L1599

Be careful when chokin' that chicken,
As they can't take too much of a lickin'.
It might get angry and cry
And then spit in your eye,
And your face to the sheets would be stickin'.
--- Anon

So while jerkin' his gherkin', his grip
Was not quite firm enough and a slip
Of his fingers from mast,
Caught you with a blast
From his fist? Is that all? What a gyp!
--- Anon

A girl by the name of Jan Louie
Kissed me and fondled my Huey;
Displayed some disgust
When Huey's wad bust;
And Huey got Louie's hand Dewey.
--- Anon

A young boy by the name of Vance,
Would masturbate inside his pants.
The part he liked best
Was the come he'd ingest
Saying, "I'll give it just one more chance."
--- Puff Adder

There once was a young man from France,
Who didn't have much of a lance.
His balls tasted salty,
Erections were faulty,
And he often came in his pants.
--- Umpty Scratch TP9804

A wanker, palm sticky and slick,
From the flog and the flip and the flick,
Resembles the chandler,
That old tallow handler,
Whose craft involved dipping his wick.
--- Bob Giandomenico

There was a young farmer from Delhi,
Whose prick reduced lovers to jelly.
He had them in bed,
In the barn and the shed,
But alone, he just came on his belly.
--- Cheryl D

This Playboy is mine, I can tell
'Cause it has a peculiar smell.
Page twenty is rude
And appears to be glued
To another two pages as well.
--- Peter Wilkins

That must be this year's Volume 9,
For a favorite I know that is mine.
But I use page 22
For producing goo;
'Tween her legs, I would like to dine.
--- S C Saint

A squeamish young fellow named Brand,
Thought caressing his penis was grand.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
--- L1247

You might find sick these words I mutter
And think that I'm way off my nutter
But my bestial sin
Does often begin
With a big jar of Jif peanut butter.
--- Anon

I take a nice big goopy gob
And slob it around on my knob
Then let my dog lick
The length of my prick
She usually does quite a fine job!
--- Anon

There was a young fellow named Rummy,
Who delighted in whipping his dummy.
He played pocket pool
With his happy old tool,
Till his shorts and his pants were all cummy.
--- L1343

Oh it's hard to wake up from a dream,
To the fact things are not what they seem:
That you've no mate at all,
And an aching left ball;
Both your sheets messed and chilly with cream!
--- G2115

Moaned Tessie, the whore, "In this land,
I've met bastards who thought it was grand,
To retire, when inclined,
With sex problems in mind,
And awake with solutions in hand."
--- Anon

I love to look in on dear Grace,
When e'er she sleeps 'round at our place.
She looks oh so sweet,
That I must jerk my meat,
And spray spunk all over her face.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It's rumored that Will strokes his meat
To a hamboning Bo Diddley beat.
And when Millie ain't in 'em,
This rhumba-based rhythm
Accompanies stains on his sheet.
--- Randog

There once was a fellow named Tony,
Who sat and played with his baloney --
His only reward
Was a sticky keyboard,
And a spear limp as cooked macaroni!
--- Anon

He liked his baloney with mustard
Or sometimes all covered with custard.
If you want a treat,
Try Tony's meat;
Maybe we can get him flustered.
--- Anon

Your own lack of height helped you here,
As you sat, with a tit in each ear.
While both ladies' hands
Were stroking your glans,
You got very sticky, I fear.
--- Anon

There once was a man from Wheeling,
Who pounded his pud with great feeling.
And just like a trout,
He'd stick his mouth out,
And wait for the drops from the ceiling.
--- Anon

A horny young fellow from Wheeling,
Jerked off every morn with great feeling.
In no time at all,
He had whitewashed the wall,
And then started in on the ceiling.
--- Anon

There once was a man from Darjeeling,
Who played with his tool with such feeling,
When he finally shot
All the fluid he'd got,
He covered the walls and the ceiling.
--- Hefty

I'll sing Kate a song of devotion,
Of her sweet poetry in motion.
I'll praise her big hips
And her ruby-red lips,
And masturbate with her hair lotion.
--- David Miller

Said a weak-willed old wastrel named Bruce,
Who indulged in extreme self-abuse:
"I try to abstain
Again and again,
But I like it, so hell, what's the use?"
--- Armand E Singer 305

Gallons of spermatozoa
Are pumped from guys knobs in Iowa.
There, washed to the seas
Where a westernly breeze,
Dumps the lot in the Sea of Balboa.
--- Peter Wilkins

There was an old pander from Perth
Whose pecker was six feet in girth.
It was of no use
Except self-abuse,
But he did that for all he was worth.
--- John Miller

Did you ever imagine you'd own,
Such a special erogenous zone.
Where just one little touch
Makes you feel so darn much,
With a partner or when you're alone.
--- Anon

This is file lll

On Saturday night, up on Mars,
The astronaut stares at the stars.
He grins like an elf,
And says to himself
Between chuckles and har-dee-har-hars:
--- Karina

"Disposable condoms? Not me!
I don't need those rubbers, you see.
For my astronaut suit
With vibration, to boot,
Doth provide all delights Earthenly!"
--- Karina

A vain physicist, hung like a horse,
Thought his charm an invincible force.
But his amorous projects
Were immovable objects,
And he yielded to auto-recourse.
--- William N Nesbit P9707

A patrolman who beat on his meat,
Wed a girl who was not too discreet.
So he felt no dismay
When she left him one day;
He was glad to be back on the beat.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2994

There was a young fellow named Franz,
Provoked by his gonadal glands.
He tried various whores
But found them all bores,
And now is back using his hands.
--- G2132

I'm aiming to play with my Todger
Right up to when I'm an old Codger.
It's better than dope
And fills me with hope,
Of finding a woman to roger.
--- SFA

A smart doc told his boys, understand;
If you don't want an arthritic hand,
Wanking is reliable,
Keeps digits pliable,
Beats taking pills and feels just grand.
--- Edith Koch P0011

There once was a fellow named Nick,
Who like to jerk off with his dick.
All during the day,
He'd sit there and play,
And then grab the bong and the Bic.

(marijuana cigarette and the lighter)
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Boy Scouts are a pubescent group
With peckers just losing their droop.
They watch X-rated flicks,
Then use manual tricks.
Not a dry handkerchief in the troop.
--- Derry Down Derry P9009

There was a young Dane named Bjorn,
Who ate Cheetos while watching some porn.
The Cheetos he'd eaten
While his meat, he'd beaten,
And that turned his penis bright orange.
--- Tom S Kazee

A craftsman of north Newfoundland,
Upon finding his tool in demand,
Decided to stay
With the old-fashioned way --
And continued to make it by hand.
--- Keith MacMillan 21b

There was a young man of high station,
Attached to the Chinese Legation.
He liked to be fucked,
And adored being sucked,
But he revelled in pure masturbation.

(Published 1879)
--- L1349

A clever young lady named Lou
Found a chimney sweep stuck up the flue.
So seizing her chance,
She pulled down his pants
And relieved what had caused his to-do.
--- Michael Horgan

Teresa, who hails from Oak Ridge,
Took a midnight stroll to the fridge,
Saw Dad beating his meat
On the toilet seat,
So hard that he damaged his bridge.
--- Uncle Jack

There was a young fellow called Jude
Who frequently romped in the nude.
They say that he'd jack,
Which left him laid back
And feeling delightfully lewd.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

To stop self-abuse, Harold try
"I'll die," keep repeating, "I'll die."
"I'll die," Harold swore,
"I'll die and what's more,
I'll die, dee-die, dee-die, dee-die..."
--- Irving Superior P8502

I've returned from a recent vacation,
Back in here to my favorite station.
I've tuned in the dial,
Got many a smile,
And enjoyed me some fierce masturbation.
--- Anon

I awaken as stiff as a bone;
It sucks to be like that, alone.
So early each morn,
I log on and find porn,
And whack off to a female from Rome.
--- Anon

The shortarm of Frothingham Durkin
Looked fagged out from overmuch jerkin'.
He said, "Every night
Jerkin's my big delight,
For I can't in the daytime...I'm workin'!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 724

I finally let go of my knob
After doing a bloody good job
Now I'm writing a 'lim
'Stead of thinking 'bout quim
Whilst sporting a small "lazy lob".

A boy with whom I was once chummy
Was told if he'd lie on his tummy,
It would not be so bad
For a habit he had,
That we used to call flogging his dummy.
--- G2104

There was a young genius in Texas,
Who could flex his own solar plexus.
It made his ding bounce,
And he caught every ounce
Of his magical spraying of sexus.
--- L1352

There was an old fellow named Bailey,
Who sported a well-used shillelagh.
When asked by a girl
What made it curl,
He replied that he fondled it daily.
--- Anon

An American bullfrog, a Yank,
Asked his cousin (the bloke) "What's a wank?"
And was taken aback,
When his cousin said, "Jack,
It's a fun thing to do with your crank."
--- Anon

My brain needs a workout right now;
So with my right hand I'll endow
My principal head
With its daily bread:
The best that a wank will allow.
--- Randog

With sex as Man's prime recreation,
It's absence becomes deprivation
That few can endure.
Man's greatest Home Cure
Was, is, and will be masturbation.
--- Irving Superior P9107

He found jerking off quite appealing;
A curious, orgasmic feeling.
So he lay on the floor,
Hit the fireplace, door,
The window sill, wardrobe and ceiling.
--- Alexander Baron

There was a young fellow named Bub,
Who played with himself in the tub.
He fingered his balls,
And shot on the walls,
While farting out rub-a-dub-dub.
--- Tyme 321

A young jacker-off of Cawnpore
Never felt a desire for more.
In bold self-reliance
He cried out his defiance
To the joys of the fairy and whore.
--- L1252

A fellow who lived in West Perkin,
Was always a-jerkin' his gherkin.
Said he, "It's not fickle
To play with my pickle;
At least, my gherkin's a-workin'."
--- Anon

The teacher said, "Billy, please stand
And tell the class why life is grand."
So young Billy blurted,
"Life's grand 'cause I squirted
This morning when I used my hand!"
--- Anon

"And what," asked the teacher, "is neat
About your hand that makes life so sweet?"
Then Billy, surmising,
Said, "When fantasizing
About you, my hand beats my meat!"
--- Anon

"My goodness, you are a sensation!"
The teacher said with jubilation;
"But I must demand
To see why life's grand
With your after-school demonstration."
--- Anon

"Today, teacher? Make it another...
Or better yet, use my big brother;
Today after school,
I've promised some fool,
I'd show why life's grand to his mother!"
--- Anon