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"Oh please hurry up in the loo, There once was a young man named Ned, There was a young man from Dunrose, There was a young man from Peru, (He wound up with a canoe full of goo.)
There once was a gangster named Brown, Be careful when chokin' that chicken, So while jerkin' his gherkin', his grip A girl by the name of Jan Louie A young boy by the name of Vance, There once was a young man from France, A wanker, palm sticky and slick, There was a young farmer from Delhi, This Playboy is mine, I can tell That must be this year's Volume 9, A squeamish young fellow named Brand, You might find sick these words I mutter I take a nice big goopy gob There was a young fellow named Rummy, Oh it's hard to wake up from a dream, Moaned Tessie, the whore, "In this land, I love to look in on dear Grace, It's rumored that Will strokes his meat There once was a fellow named Tony, He liked his baloney with mustard Your own lack of height helped you here, There once was a man from Wheeling, A horny young fellow from Wheeling, There once was a man from Darjeeling, I'll sing Kate a song of devotion, Said a weak-willed old wastrel named Bruce, Gallons of spermatozoa There was an old pander from Perth Did you ever imagine you'd own, On Saturday night, up on Mars, "Disposable condoms? Not me! A vain physicist, hung like a horse, A patrolman who beat on his meat, There was a young fellow named Franz, I'm aiming to play with my Todger A smart doc told his boys, understand; There once was a fellow named Nick, (marijuana cigarette and the lighter)
Boy Scouts are a pubescent group There was a young Dane named Bjorn, A craftsman of north Newfoundland, There was a young man of high station, (Published 1879)
A clever young lady named Lou Teresa, who hails from Oak Ridge, There was a young fellow called Jude To stop self-abuse, Harold try I've returned from a recent vacation, I awaken as stiff as a bone; The shortarm of Frothingham Durkin I finally let go of my knob A boy with whom I was once chummy There was a young genius in Texas, There was an old fellow named Bailey, An American bullfrog, a Yank, My brain needs a workout right now; With sex as Man's prime recreation, He found jerking off quite appealing; There was a young fellow named Bub, A young jacker-off of Cawnpore A fellow who lived in West Perkin, The teacher said, "Billy, please stand "And what," asked the teacher, "is neat "My goodness, you are a sensation!" "Today, teacher? Make it another...
You've been there for ages," said Sue.
As she knelt down to spy
Through the keyhole, oh my,
She did get an eyeful of goo!
--- Anon
Who once started tugging in bed.
His penis erupted,
His sheets were corrupted,
And his duvet got stuck to his head.
--- Richard Garner
Who played with himself beneath clothes.
His landlady said
While changing his bed,
"He's a bugger for blowing his nose!"
--- Alan Britain
Who took a long trip by canoe.
While staring at Venus,
And rubbing his penis,
He wound up with a handful of goo.
--- Anon P
The wiliest bastard in town.
He was caught by the G-men
While shooting his semen,
Where the cops would all slip and fall down.
--- L1599
As they can't take too much of a lickin'.
It might get angry and cry
And then spit in your eye,
And your face to the sheets would be stickin'.
--- Anon
Was not quite firm enough and a slip
Of his fingers from mast,
Caught you with a blast
From his fist? Is that all? What a gyp!
--- Anon
Kissed me and fondled my Huey;
Displayed some disgust
When Huey's wad bust;
And Huey got Louie's hand Dewey.
--- Anon
Would masturbate inside his pants.
The part he liked best
Was the come he'd ingest
Saying, "I'll give it just one more chance."
--- Puff Adder
Who didn't have much of a lance.
His balls tasted salty,
Erections were faulty,
And he often came in his pants.
--- Umpty Scratch TP9804
From the flog and the flip and the flick,
Resembles the chandler,
That old tallow handler,
Whose craft involved dipping his wick.
--- Bob Giandomenico
Whose prick reduced lovers to jelly.
He had them in bed,
In the barn and the shed,
But alone, he just came on his belly.
--- Cheryl D
'Cause it has a peculiar smell.
Page twenty is rude
And appears to be glued
To another two pages as well.
--- Peter Wilkins
For a favorite I know that is mine.
But I use page 22
For producing goo;
'Tween her legs, I would like to dine.
--- S C Saint
Thought caressing his penis was grand.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
--- L1247
And think that I'm way off my nutter
But my bestial sin
Does often begin
With a big jar of Jif peanut butter.
--- Anon
And slob it around on my knob
Then let my dog lick
The length of my prick
She usually does quite a fine job!
--- Anon
Who delighted in whipping his dummy.
He played pocket pool
With his happy old tool,
Till his shorts and his pants were all cummy.
--- L1343
To the fact things are not what they seem:
That you've no mate at all,
And an aching left ball;
Both your sheets messed and chilly with cream!
--- G2115
I've met bastards who thought it was grand,
To retire, when inclined,
With sex problems in mind,
And awake with solutions in hand."
--- Anon
When e'er she sleeps 'round at our place.
She looks oh so sweet,
That I must jerk my meat,
And spray spunk all over her face.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To a hamboning Bo Diddley beat.
And when Millie ain't in 'em,
This rhumba-based rhythm
Accompanies stains on his sheet.
--- Randog
Who sat and played with his baloney --
His only reward
Was a sticky keyboard,
And a spear limp as cooked macaroni!
--- Anon
Or sometimes all covered with custard.
If you want a treat,
Try Tony's meat;
Maybe we can get him flustered.
--- Anon
As you sat, with a tit in each ear.
While both ladies' hands
Were stroking your glans,
You got very sticky, I fear.
--- Anon
Who pounded his pud with great feeling.
And just like a trout,
He'd stick his mouth out,
And wait for the drops from the ceiling.
--- Anon
Jerked off every morn with great feeling.
In no time at all,
He had whitewashed the wall,
And then started in on the ceiling.
--- Anon
Who played with his tool with such feeling,
When he finally shot
All the fluid he'd got,
He covered the walls and the ceiling.
--- Hefty
Of her sweet poetry in motion.
I'll praise her big hips
And her ruby-red lips,
And masturbate with her hair lotion.
--- David Miller
Who indulged in extreme self-abuse:
"I try to abstain
Again and again,
But I like it, so hell, what's the use?"
--- Armand E Singer 305
Are pumped from guys knobs in Iowa.
There, washed to the seas
Where a westernly breeze,
Dumps the lot in the Sea of Balboa.
--- Peter Wilkins
Whose pecker was six feet in girth.
It was of no use
Except self-abuse,
But he did that for all he was worth.
--- John Miller
Such a special erogenous zone.
Where just one little touch
Makes you feel so darn much,
With a partner or when you're alone.
--- Anon
This is file lll
The astronaut stares at the stars.
He grins like an elf,
And says to himself
Between chuckles and har-dee-har-hars:
--- Karina
I don't need those rubbers, you see.
For my astronaut suit
With vibration, to boot,
Doth provide all delights Earthenly!"
--- Karina
Thought his charm an invincible force.
But his amorous projects
Were immovable objects,
And he yielded to auto-recourse.
--- William N Nesbit P9707
Wed a girl who was not too discreet.
So he felt no dismay
When she left him one day;
He was glad to be back on the beat.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2994
Provoked by his gonadal glands.
He tried various whores
But found them all bores,
And now is back using his hands.
--- G2132
Right up to when I'm an old Codger.
It's better than dope
And fills me with hope,
Of finding a woman to roger.
--- SFA
If you don't want an arthritic hand,
Wanking is reliable,
Keeps digits pliable,
Beats taking pills and feels just grand.
--- Edith Koch P0011
Who like to jerk off with his dick.
All during the day,
He'd sit there and play,
And then grab the bong and the Bic.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With peckers just losing their droop.
They watch X-rated flicks,
Then use manual tricks.
Not a dry handkerchief in the troop.
--- Derry Down Derry P9009
Who ate Cheetos while watching some porn.
The Cheetos he'd eaten
While his meat, he'd beaten,
And that turned his penis bright orange.
--- Tom S Kazee
Upon finding his tool in demand,
Decided to stay
With the old-fashioned way --
And continued to make it by hand.
--- Keith MacMillan 21b
Attached to the Chinese Legation.
He liked to be fucked,
And adored being sucked,
But he revelled in pure masturbation.
--- L1349
Found a chimney sweep stuck up the flue.
So seizing her chance,
She pulled down his pants
And relieved what had caused his to-do.
--- Michael Horgan
Took a midnight stroll to the fridge,
Saw Dad beating his meat
On the toilet seat,
So hard that he damaged his bridge.
--- Uncle Jack
Who frequently romped in the nude.
They say that he'd jack,
Which left him laid back
And feeling delightfully lewd.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
"I'll die," keep repeating, "I'll die."
"I'll die," Harold swore,
"I'll die and what's more,
I'll die, dee-die, dee-die, dee-die..."
--- Irving Superior P8502
Back in here to my favorite station.
I've tuned in the dial,
Got many a smile,
And enjoyed me some fierce masturbation.
--- Anon
It sucks to be like that, alone.
So early each morn,
I log on and find porn,
And whack off to a female from Rome.
--- Anon
Looked fagged out from overmuch jerkin'.
He said, "Every night
Jerkin's my big delight,
For I can't in the daytime...I'm workin'!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 724
After doing a bloody good job
Now I'm writing a 'lim
'Stead of thinking 'bout quim
Whilst sporting a small "lazy lob".
Was told if he'd lie on his tummy,
It would not be so bad
For a habit he had,
That we used to call flogging his dummy.
--- G2104
Who could flex his own solar plexus.
It made his ding bounce,
And he caught every ounce
Of his magical spraying of sexus.
--- L1352
Who sported a well-used shillelagh.
When asked by a girl
What made it curl,
He replied that he fondled it daily.
--- Anon
Asked his cousin (the bloke) "What's a wank?"
And was taken aback,
When his cousin said, "Jack,
It's a fun thing to do with your crank."
--- Anon
So with my right hand I'll endow
My principal head
With its daily bread:
The best that a wank will allow.
--- Randog
It's absence becomes deprivation
That few can endure.
Man's greatest Home Cure
Was, is, and will be masturbation.
--- Irving Superior P9107
A curious, orgasmic feeling.
So he lay on the floor,
Hit the fireplace, door,
The window sill, wardrobe and ceiling.
--- Alexander Baron
Who played with himself in the tub.
He fingered his balls,
And shot on the walls,
While farting out rub-a-dub-dub.
--- Tyme 321
Never felt a desire for more.
In bold self-reliance
He cried out his defiance
To the joys of the fairy and whore.
--- L1252
Was always a-jerkin' his gherkin.
Said he, "It's not fickle
To play with my pickle;
At least, my gherkin's a-workin'."
--- Anon
And tell the class why life is grand."
So young Billy blurted,
"Life's grand 'cause I squirted
This morning when I used my hand!"
--- Anon
About your hand that makes life so sweet?"
Then Billy, surmising,
Said, "When fantasizing
About you, my hand beats my meat!"
--- Anon
The teacher said with jubilation;
"But I must demand
To see why life's grand
With your after-school demonstration."
--- Anon
Or better yet, use my big brother;
Today after school,
I've promised some fool,
I'd show why life's grand to his mother!"
--- Anon
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