I found, when naughty and young,
And upright my dickie had sprung,
For a wank in the loo,
Robin's-egg blue
Is a colour whose virtue's unsung.
--- Anon

Romance on a hot summer's night,
The room lit by soft candlelight.
There's love in the air;
I haven't a care;
My true love brings me delight.
--- Gearhart

I stroke and caress my love's curves,
And softly I whisper sweet words.
The seconds I'm counting
As tension starts mounting.
My love gets attention deserved.
--- Gearhart

Just before I reach my zenith,
I slow down to catch my own breath.
My fingers upon her;
They're starting to wander.
"My wuv is my vewy own penith."
--- Gearhart

When they sent my dumb ass off to school,
The nuns whacked me around with the rule.
I was more apt to scoff
'Cause I'd heard whacking off
Was what turned someone into a fool.
--- Anon

Young James had drunk too much tea,
So he went to the pot for a pee.
There he found daddy's 'zines
Chock full of pre-teens;
He didn't emerge until three.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I had given the manual to Herb,
Who I think was a Pole or a Serb.
Took the book from the shelf
And then played with himself,
'Cause he thought that the word was a verb.
--- Anon

A bashful teenager named Hugh
Would jerk himself off in the loo;
Picture nude Meryl Streep,
Wide awake, still asleep,
Or begging him, "Do it on cue."
--- Armand Singer

Man learned to burn timber to heat with,
And he fashioned utensils to eat with.
Though his brain he has grooved,
He has never improved
On the hand that he uses to beat with.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1866

"My dear, I shall not write your name,
Since you are my mistress with shame;
I'm pleased to inform
I've bested my norm:
With thoughts of you ...nine times I came."
--- Anon

My hands are a wonderful thing;
They treat me as though I'm a King.
No V.D. or syphilis,
And sex is ambifilous..
No worries producing offspring.
--- Rodney Williams

'Twas a fellow of Tatamagouche,
Who would go, when he went, with a whoosh!
He was frequently known
To perform all alone,
So had nowhere to squirt all the juice.
--- Keith MacMillan 28c

Oh Father! I have a confession!
A naughty and sinful transgression!
I fondled myself
With a deft little elf,
And now he's become an obsession.
--- Ogni Gioia

Young Gregory sat on the pot
And he played with his pecker and thought
Of lovers, fictitious,
And scenes so delicious
Than rather than shittin', he shot.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

There once was a fellow named Cronin,
Through whose door could be heard frenzied moanin'.
But despite the wild rhythm,
No woman was with him,
An avid disciple of Onan.
--- Lloyd Rawley

There once were two brothers named Burns
Who liked to frolic in ferns.
They took off their pants
And did a little dance;
One comes while the other one yearns.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Orgasm by manual action,
Produces much adverse reaction.
There's things you can't do,
But one thing is true,
It's only you, needs satisfaction.
--- Anon

Not saying it ought to be banned,
Since a little can surely be grand,
But my great consternation
About masturbation
Is, it's gotten a bit out of hand.
--- Anon

When I dined with the Rajah of Kutch,
He enquired, "Do you masturbate much?"
I replied with a stare,
"That's a private affair,
And I'll thank you to treat it as such."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

To her grandson, said inquisitive Miss Todd,
"Do you spend your nights rubbing your rod?
Your old man, as a kid,
Most undoubtedly did--
If you don't do it too, you're quite odd."
--- Grand Prix Lim 974 G2218

A young Catholic they caught masturbating,
Was told "It's a sin to be wasting
Your sperm!" Said the lad,
"I haven't been bad,
I've been saving it all in this waste bin."
--- Tim@raptor

There once was a man from Grand Haven
And a piece of ass he was cravin'.
So he sat in the sand,
And did it by hand,
And said, "Look at the money I'm savin'."
--- Frank Stevens

A vision appeared before me;
It's loveliness did implore me.
To take it all in,
I'll see it again,
The next time my fingers explore me.
--- Anon

The evil that lurks in men's hearts!
To think how they lust after tarts!
Why even is school
Kids play pocket pool,
Abusing their most private parts.
--- Armand E Singer 293

A father observing his son --
Four shakes are enough when you're done.
A fifth if you must.
A sixth! Prevents rust?
A seventh? You son-of-a-gun!
--- Irving Superior P8502

Laughed horny old Larry from Leeds,
"I daily subscribe to my needs.
But the state of my lech
As I reach the home stretch,
Determines the requisite speeds."
--- Armand Singer

In massage parlors, clock-watching Clive,
Needs a number of girls to arrive:
While a team works his cock,
He'll be watching the clock
To get off at the stroking of five.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

There was an old man with a dong,
Who played with it all the day long.
They called out, "No more!
You're a horrid old bore!"
But secretely admired his prong.
--- Edwardian Leer 018 P9306

Leonardo was a great titillator.
The Passions of Bach were still greater.
But boys still handle
And girls still candle,
For the Master of all's Masturbator.
--- Dick Buenger P9006

I began this with a huge expectation,
Of wildly concocted creation.
Though my block has now lifted,
My mind has since drifted,
To thoughts of satisfying masturbation!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I once knew a vixen named Candy,
Curvacious, exotic, quite randy.
A stellar love joy,
And I just a boy,
But thoughts of her, sure came in handy!
--- Cyber Wizard

Ah Candy! I knew her quite well!
Raising hopes that I just couldn't quell.
We were both underaged,
But the judge was enraged,
Sending me and my hopes to a cell.
--- John Miller

But Hope came again later on,
When Candy and youth were all gone.
She came and she came
Until I was lame,
And shrivelled and withered and wan.
--- John Miller

This is file lkl

Ah, yesterday, Candy. Ah, young!
I might if I'd been better hung.
Though she did turn me down,
Years later she'd frown
When I showed her the use of my tongue.
--- Cyber Wizard

I heard that this young female fox
Is known for her teasing of cocks.
She pops every fly
Each time she walks by.
That's why I am wearing a box.
--- Cyber Wizard

Though Candy is hot, there's mood swing,
And baring her may a brood bring.
Unless your day to day
Includes "family way",
Bewaring her box is a good thing.
--- Cyber Wizard

I like to be wearing her box...
While wearing, in turn, "rubber socks".
So, after me, you
Can do what you do,
And she'll still taste like two-week-old lox.
--- John Miller

A survey of young Air Force fliers
By psychiatrist Old Dr. Meyers,
Showed that ninety-eight
Percent masturbate,
And that the remainder are liars.
--- A N Wilkins P8701

'Tis normal for boys adolescent
To be troubled by urges incessant;
In bed, every night
When they turn out the light,
They do things they find rather pleasant.
--- Anon

Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smithy sat,
Amusing himself
By abusing himself,
And catching it in his hat.

(Also in the Ball of Ballynoor)
--- Anon

The Chinese Ambassador Ping
Was a fan of Kung Fu and I Ching (!)
And a gold medal winner
When younger and thinner,
In martial-type arts like Wang King.
--- Peter Wilkins

In a lather all slippery and thick,
Earnestly trimming my wick,
In a slurry of foam,
When there's nobody home,
No one cares how long I wash my dick.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Though sport a la Portnoy was banned,
The boys at the school thought it grand.
When asked if they tried
To abstain, they replied:
"It's a problem we've got well in hand."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

Vicky, we know you're a skag.
We've seen pictures in that old porn mag.
And young boys at night
Will cream with delight
Over you, when you're then an old hag.

(complained she got online harassment)
--- Tiddy Ogg

I've always enjoyed fornication
With maidens of every nation;
And sucking of tits
And cunt give me fits,
But I prize most a joint masturbation.
--- G2126

Carlotta wears work boots and shades.
She's a no concerned about AIDS.
No matta you job,
She handles you knob.
I think she's a jacked off all trades.
--- Anon

Lubricious young Lulu just loves
To jerk off men's peckers with gloves.
She's in no position
To consider coition,
Being pregnant from previous shoves.
--- G2159

How many times must I tell you?
Said the nurse to her patient at Bellevue.
If your hand gets too spunky
While spanking your monkey,
I'll be more than happy to spell you!
--- Anon

There was a young girl named Hannah,
Who loved madly her lover's banana.
She loved pubic hair
And balls that were bare,
And she jacked him off in her bandana.
--- L1432

A feisty young lady from Devon
Had to be home at half past eleven.
Her horny young date
She did masturbate;
'Twas the best wank that she'd ever given.
--- Jayne

There once was a waitress named Janna,
Who jerked sodas in Great Falls, Montana.
But the cowboys took notice,
'Cause she jerked more than sodas,
And had a split better than banana.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Donald's dick was a scant several inches,
but when stoked by his girlfriend's soft pinches,
It grew (so they say)
Several sizes that day,
Just like that heart of the Grinch's!
--- Stargazer

The Duchess of Drood's lewd and crude,
And the men think her terribly rude.
When they swim by the docks
She tickles their cocks,
And laughs when the red tips protrude.
--- L1393

Guess what happened today;
I'm almost too ashamed to say.
She fondled my prick,
But I came too quick;
We hadn't yet started to play
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young man of St. Bees,
Who said to his mistress, "Now please,
First give me a kiss,
Then take hold of this,
And then, very gently, of these."
--- Anon

While the coozy on Connie is cute
She won't open up for your brute...
She fondles your gland
In her hot little hand,
And caresses your root till you shoot.
--- Grand Prix Lim 715

So expertly she tossed me off, an'
My rhythm stick started to soften.
She said "One more time?
As that old pick-up line
Goes, Honey do you come here often."
--- Anon

There was a young fellow of Calais
Who took his best girl to hear Halle's.
When the music got flat,
He played with her twat,
And she did the same with his alleys.
--- G2096

A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very, very foolish to place
Her hand on a cock,
When it turned hard as rock,
For fear t'would explode in her face.
--- L1273

A horny young lad named Rob,
Whose cock did constantly throb,
Convinced a young lass
With an exquisite ass,
To give him a five-star hand job.
--- Jeeves

'Twas no one as kind as my neighbor,
A widow named Mrs Ruth Tabor,
Who'd show us boys thanks
By giving us wanks,
For doing just quick minor labor.
--- Travis Brasell

I too, had a neighbor who gave
Me fellatio so she could save
Me from going blind,
And relief I would find,
For sometimes I could dive in her cave.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I must have been only 'bout age
Thirteen when I'd stand on the stage
At the old ladies' club,
And they'd give me a rub.
What's more, they would pay me a wage.
--- Tiddy Ogg

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves,
Likes to jack off young men that she loves.
She will use her bare fist,
If the fellows insist,
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
--- L1264

I once knew a gal, Alice E.
Whose fingers grew all callousy,
From stroking my member
For days in September --
If you ask, she'll claim it's a phallacy.
--- Anon

"For a fondle, I'll be in your debt,"
I told Chris, but the chick was upset.
When squeezing her tits,
My cock shot a spritz,
And the jet got her sweater all wet.
--- Hugh Clary