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The trouble with holding you own, I love to end dates with a hand job; A hand-job at times is appealing, A hand-job I just can't deliver, I've got no degree in Debauch But if you talk dirty and watch And what should a gentleman do, I'm a Mrs. so that a bit much; A compromise, Mrs, it is; It's not that I view this with scorn, A fisherman in old Cape Cod While soaking in bubbles and oils Two winsome and willing young maids, Just to please John's sexual emotion, A lad with a face that was smirky We know her as Nan' Absolute, What Amber could do was quite grand. A popular sport at Rodeen is Popping my warts, I did make a mess, There once was a nurse from upstate When a young girl, her dad advised Betty, A swami once used Spanish fly, Take more than a peek; give a shove, While cuddled up under the blanket There was a cock-teaser named Jeanie There once was a Goddess, a Venus, There was a young man from Winsocket, (it shot off before he could cock it.)
There was a masseuse at the club, Most women have hands that do shake While cuddled up under the blanket, Ned's dutiful helpmate, no bimbo, Since the girl couldn't type, she was fired, "Gosh, Nancy! A mystery's afoot!" A round-heeled young girl of Pratt Falls, There was a young boy named Bill, If you'd rather jack me off with your hand, A practiced young charmer named Vance A horny young fellow named Rick The young nun and the priest, they did handle, While cuddled up under the blanket, "Do you know Jim insists I'm a gem, Since a stage-struck massage girl named Hart, "Ball up your fist, aim and push, While cuddled up under the blanket, I wonder what Peter was doing There was a young sailor named Peck, A theological student, Tom Gore, By the time this poem is read, One day He was strolling the street, Engaging in self masturbation, There was a young lady from Kincaid, Some people spurn masturbation; Be warned: By the time you are done, I wonder about old man Marden A practical fellow named Bruce I like to do films at the Cannes The wife had a bad yeast infection; There was a young man from Brazil So your motorized thing doesn't work? An old man with a dollar, in Guelph, A lovely fiancee had Croylett, There was a young fellow from Yale, Advice for you physical wrecks: A tackle who played for Green Bay, If during your next crucial winter, Norse, Whenever your mind on sex lingers, That hand thing will quite often work --
Could indicate you've never known,
A woman's firm grasp
On your trouser asp.
I hope that your rep's not been blown.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Soft hands on my dick makes my heart throb.
I like to start lento,
Then pick up the tempo,
'Till I explode with a loud sob.
--- TuttaGioia
If done with finesse and with feeling.
Like lovely Louise
Who can artfully tease,
'Til one helplessly spray-paints the ceiling.
--- Peter Wilkins
To make your come flow like a river.
I've got carpal tunnel,
But I still might be one'll
Be willing to set you a-quiver.
--- Jeanie
But I've heard of your legendary crotch.
While I can't, if you do it,
I can talk you through it.
You wank. I'll promise to watch.
--- Jeanie
As I play with what's here in my crotch,
You'll undoubtedly get
So excited, mu pet,
You'll invite me to plunder your notch.
--- Peter Wilkins
When invited by ladies like you,
To indulge in such sin?
Why he flashes a grin
And he gives her one helluva screw.
--- Peter Wilkins
I'm afraid I'm not free to do such.
But I might, at my leisure,
Just give myself pleasure.
You can look, but you just can't touch.
--- Jeanie
Each other we'll watch do the biz.
But having said that,
Be aware I can splat
Nearly 100 yards when I jizz.
--- Peter Wilkins
And I guess I say "thanks"; you did warn.
But 100 yards?
That ones for the bards,
But you do have a helluva horn.
--- Jeanie
Had a girl with a fabulous bod.
He told her, "I wish
That you'd help me to fish."
She said, "I'll just handle your rod."
--- Ken Elwood P8301
The tub's water began to boil.
Her eyesight was failing,
With arms and legs flailing,
But her fingers continued their toil!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Stopped to chat with the chief of gay blades.
It wasn't so strange
That they made an exchange --
'Twas their business to jack off all trades.
--- Neal Wilgus P8511a
Jane gave his prick up and down motion!
Having never masturbated,
She became so elated,
When suddenly she squealed, "Jergen's Lotion?"
--- Laurence Craft
Advised a young lady named Durkee,
That true love did not soothe
For the path was not smooth.
When she tried it, she found it was jerky.
--- Albin Chaplin
With magical one hand commute.
She had one hand free
For chim-chim-chiree --
That's how she made Bert's bumber shoot!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Her hand jobs made little "I" stand.
The touch of her fingers
On my mind still lingers.
Oh Lord, how I miss ampersand!
--- Anon
To fondle a gentlemen's penis.
But at Cheltenham College,
More limited knowledge
Inhibits their sexual keenness.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
All over my blue and white dress.
My girlfriend, to help,
Yanked my dick, I did yelp;
To have such a friend, one is blessed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who helped handless men masturbate.
But if one wanted love
Without the latex glove,
He paid quite a premium rate.
--- Phil T
"In life don't sweat things that are petty,"
Which she took at his word,
But has never demurred,
From petting the things that are sweaty.
--- Bob Giandomenico a
And ran clean amok to Delhi,
Where he jumped in the Ganges,
And used his phalanges
To comfort the cunts swimming by.
--- L1541
With your hands down my undershorts, love.
You can play with my cock
'Til it's stiff as a rock,
And you send me to heaven above.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With a girl who I know from Melankitt,
I stripped off with ease
And said "Darling, please...
Would you mind awfully much if I wank it!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose boy-friends all called her a meany.
When out necking at night,
She would close her legs tight,
And do nothing but play with your weenie.
--- Anon
Obsessed with her boyfriends big penis.
She loved balls that were bare,
His chest covered with hair,
And also jerked him off into Kleenex.
--- Anon V
Who put a girl's hand in his pocket.
Her delicate touch
Thrilled his pecker so much,
It shot off in the air like a rocket.
--- L1362
Who was giving a member a rub.
Said the member, rubbed red,
"Please, miss, use your head!
You're rubbing me down to a nub!"
--- John Ciardi
Which petrifies my fearless snake.
He could never let rip,
If I don't get a grip,
'Cause he's sensitive, for heaven's sake!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I was hot, so I asked her to wank it.
He cranked it and yanked it
And spanked it and wanked it,
Then all of a sudden -- she drank it.
--- Friar T9712
Consigned her cold husband to limbo,
For letting her work,
To jack off the jerk,
While he stood there, both arms akimbo.
--- Armand Singer
Then explained how she'd come to be hired:
"The executive's dong
Being four inches long,
I thought shorthand alone was required."
--- Anon
Said Frank, his face covered with soot.
Just as she took her hand,
From Joe's swollen red gland,
Having spanked the King of Lilliput.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
This is file ljl
Loves to tickle the men's hairy balls.
This she does to her cousins,
And cocksmen in dozens--
You should just see her sperm-spattered walls.
--- G2189
Who discovered a girl named Jill
Could cause in his pants,
A jig and a dance,
And all of his seed to spill!
--- Zephyr
Grab hold and strike up the band.
Ten feet it will spurt,
In squirt after squirt,
And my feeling will be really grand.
--- Anon
Inserted her arm in Joe's pants;
Bypassing his tummy
She grabbed at his dummy,
Which started one fervid romance.
--- Armand E Singer 830
Liked to feel a girl's hand on his prick.
He taught them to fool
With his tumescent tool,
'Til his well-polished member got sick.
--- Stephen Cordwell
Their passions to avoid a great scandal.
After taking some drinks,
He'd jerk off in the sink,
And she'd diddle herself with a candle.
--- G2108
If you see a bare ass, you must spank it.
If you feel a dick
About three inches thick,
Then be a good friend and please yank it!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The way I wind up his stem?
Well, it's simple to do
And enjoyable, too,
So I wish he had TWENTY of them!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 35
Knows directors who sample her art,
She's aware what controls
The assignment of roles
Is a good working grasp of the part.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
If you want to make my twat gush,"
She said, "Ain't you heard?
A hand in this bird,
Is worth more than tool in the bush."
--- Anon
And your boyfriend wants you to spank it,
Say "What the hell!
He'll never tell,"
And then you can grab it and yank it!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With Marcia; she surely was cooing.
When he cried "Just thank me
After you yank me!"
All we heard after was mooing.
--- Buckaroo
Who kept his passion in check,
By thinking of rumors (...bloomers,)
Of penile tumors, (Testicular tumors,)
And beating his meat below deck.
--- G2181
While using his fist for a whore,
Said, "It's not a solution,
For total pollution,
But I always can come back for more."
--- Anon
I will have lain down to bed.
I'll whip out my dick,
And jerk off real quick.
My sex life is all in my head.
--- Lims For Year - 01
Looking for girlies to meet.
When he started to speak,
His breath sure did reek,
So he gave his poor johnson a beat.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
As an option to real fornication,
But bad habits are formed
And your dick gets deformed
And there's premature ejaculation.
--- Aussie Owl
Who covered it up with a band-aid.
The boyfriend said, "Shit!
I can't find the slit!"
And helped himself out with a hand-aid.
--- L1282
They call it the scourge of the nation.
But to curb frustration,
Simple masturbation
Sure beats the hell out of castration!
--- Anon
I won't be all ready for fun --
Attention span's small.
But, hey, it's your call
Your two hands are better than none.
And what he planted in his garden.
In his great need,
He planted his seed;
To say what came up is a hard'n.
--- Frank Fazed
Explained why he likes self-abuse.
"It's cheaper than whores,
Or gadgets from stores,
And safer than using a goose."
--- Armand E Singer 324
But it's pricey and so for the nonce,
I get out the lube
And stare at the tube,
Watching porno and stroking my schwanz.
--- Steve Andersen P0001
The girlfriend won't touch my erection.
So being a man,
I take problem in hand,
And try to clear up my complexion.
--- Anon
Who said, "My wife screws when I will,
But I'd much rather neck her,
And play with my pecker.
It's my way of deriving a thrill."
--- G2089
(Or it does and it's going berserk!)
And the scene in my mind
Is obscene and I find
That my thoughts make me want to j-jerk.
--- Anon
Asked a whore by the name of Miss Schelf,
"Have you any cheap fucks?"
But the harlot said, "Shucks,
Save your buck -- you can do it yourself."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1542
But his morals said: "Do not despoil it!"
So when love and desire
Welled up like hot fire,
He flushed every drop down the toilet.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G2110
Whose face was exceedingly pale.
He spent his vacation
In self-masturbation
Because of the high price of tail.
--- L1363
Forget jogging and medical checks;
You'll live ten times as long
If you pump up your dong
And indulge in wild fantasy sex.
--- Anon
Was in training each night and each day.
Isometic coition
May improve one's condition,
But it isn't as much fun that way.
--- Anon
You challenge or vex, you shall sin perforce;
Six-foot rhymes make me ache,
So please go and partake
Of some non-partner sexual intercourse.
--- Ed Potts P9001
Your thoughts become erotic clingers;
They hang on until
You go for the thrill,
Of changing your mind with your fingers.
--- Travis
Invented by some lonely Turk --
A rub on your end
Will help you to spend.
The savings are such a great perk!!
--- Anon
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