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"As for screwing," said Little Miss Muffet, A neurotic young milkmaid called Muffet Miss Muffet had not worked too hard; Now this handsome young spider, Arachnid, He spread his eight legs by her side; She raced from the scene in distress, So he chased her to old Mother Hubbard's, Now the handsome Arachnid's in court, A militant daughter of Muffet That old rhyme 'bout Miss Muffet, OK? A cute little girl called Miss Muffet I like being a spider, I do... Remember that Little Miss Muffet, Her Muffit she fondled so gay; He hung from the ceiling and eyed her. At first our Miss Muffet felt bilious, Miss Muffet wasn't so little; We remember sweet Little Miss Muffet "Bejaysus!" said Little Miss Muffet, She did spit and polish so well My *arse* you will polish it Miss, Hear about little Miss Muffet, The following harrowing tale, "Now how are you going to do that?" One evening young Wendy was playing And such is the value of prayer, This reprobate looked at the trio, That pipe that before was so bendy, So now that she's lost anonymity, "Those brothers of yours seem quite witless. They jump in that dude's private jet; He does though, a right turn to Cairo, You think that this tale's pretty sick? So sans genitalia, he's ramblin', And what about Wendy Dar-lin? In Hamlein the Pied Piper tooted Rapunzel let down her long hair, Said Rapunzel, high up in her castle, Rapunzel was every so lucky Inviting the prince to her lair, She said, "If it wern't for my hair, A boon to the limerick genre, Most women I've heard on the topic Tied up by long braided muff fur see- I still deride that hursute tail, If pilosity isn't your bag, "Though the prince," said Rapunzel to friends, A girl in a high block of flats From her lofty stone prison, walled, Forthcoming, some very mixed prose, A wolf asked if he could be able So he set off in search of his tale; He went looking for a house made of straw, She prefers to be called madam or lady, The wolf, he did think it his duty But alas, the moment he did see her, Said this wolf, as he skulked in the wood, Said Red to the wolf, "What's that smell? Said Red, "You've improved! That was bliss! To the wolf said Miss Hood, "I do fear Little Red Riding Hood met bad luck "Whatcha doin' up there in that bed?" So Red tumbles out of her bunk; So she's off in her Lotus Elite, So while she just sits there and sags, But now she's recovered her wits,
"I proclaim here and now that I love it.
I defy the authority
Of the Moral Majority.
They can take all their preaching and stuff it."
--- Isaac Asimov
Was seated one day on her tuffit.
Now a tuffit's a stool,
But 'stool' is not cool,
And it isn't a good rhyme for Muffet.
--- Anon
I guess it was hot in the yard.
She'd made only curd,
Or that's what I heard.
She was eating and let down her guard.
--- Anon
Saw the seat and cute little gal kid.
In coming to call,
He rappelled down the wall,
Though he certainly had not been bid.
--- Anon
When she saw him her eyes opened wide.
She thought that the spider
Was hoping to ride 'er,
And a spider, she could not abide.
--- Anon
Leaving curds and the whey in a mess.
The spider stayed calm;
At the mess with no arm.
He'd seen she had some on her dress.
--- Anon
Who went off for a stick to her cupboards.
She found a great rod
And walloped the sod,
Who with rocks she often bombards.
--- Anon
And a battle's about to be fought
'Twixt a good little gal
With her motherly pal,
And the curd-eating cad they did thwart.
--- Anon
Chose to reclaim the family tuffet.
The bold plan of that kid
Was find the arachnid
And catch it and kill it and stuff it!
--- J Patrick Adams a
Simply just ain't the truth, as we say;
One horny Jack Spider
Sat down beside her --
What she ate wasn't curds, much less whey.
--- Armand E Singer P0102
Was sitting alone on her ruffet.
Along came a spider
Who crawled up inside her
And said, "Ain't the Ritz, but I'll rough it."
--- David Miller
I'd rather have nothing in lieu
Of a juicy fly dinner,
(I'm an expert web-spinner)
Then make a Scots lass go "Boo-hoo"!
--- Anon
The one with the tits and the tuffet,
I gave her my largest
Havana cigar just
To see if she'd puff it or stuff it.
--- Peter Wilkins
Jack Horner, he spider at play,
And stuck it in fast
In hopes it would last,
But plum shot his curds right a whey.
--- Anon
In cobweb, completely, he tied her.
Then got a leg over
And clove her and drove her,
And left a new spider inside her.
--- Ericka
But soon grew quite arachnophilious.
She now squirts silk thread
From her cunt, but in bed
As she's humping him, she feels a silliass.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Her Tuffet was bony and brittle.
When along came a spider,
And settled beside her,
She covered the sucker with spittle.
--- Mushroom
Who was sitting there right on her tuffet.
She was once heard to say
As she ate curds and whey,
"You can take all this garbage and stuff it."
--- Popsicle TP9806
"That thing's far too big for my tuffet."
"However", she said,
Blushing prettily red,
"If you like I could polish and buff it."
That thing quickly started to swell.
But then she attacks
The poor thing with wax --
She gave it the spit-shine from hell.
--- Marlene Lewis
There's just no escaping from this.
I'll buffet your tuffet
So hard and so rough, it
Will probably hurt when you piss.
That chick that sat on a tuffet?
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And he told her where she can stuff it.
--- Anon
Concerning a predatory male,
May well cause distress
To the gals here unless
Her name I inscribe here in Braille.
--- Tiddy Ogg
You yell," 'Cause my telly screen's flat."
I haven't gone bendy;
I'll christen her Wendy.
You'll just have to make do with that."
--- Tiddy Ogg
With two brats and sadly was saying:
"Those dicks are so small,
They're no use at all.
For a real man, I'd better be praying."
--- Tiddy Ogg
That all at once, stood standing there,
A man, perhaps half goat,
With one hell of a choat,
That arose through his thick pubic hair.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Said, "Come on, let's fly down to Rio.
The time is now ripe."
Whereon Wend grabs his pipe
And blows it, allegro con brio.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Grows stiff at the sight of our Wendy.
Oh Hell! What a drag;
Cat's out of the bag.
Okay, so our tart's name is Wendy.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That quality, like virginity,
Once lost for the first
Time, is never reversed,
Though you wait from today to infinity.
--- Tiddy Ogg
For travel, I quite doubt their fitness.
But they'd better come,
Or they'll run to your mum,
And gee, I don't want any witness.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Our Wendy's now horny and wet.
And up in the sky,
She joins the Mile-High
Club, on the route to Tibet.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And meets in the souk his friend Spiro,
To whom he does sell
Those boys into Hell,
As their asses that pimp plies for hire-o.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Don't worry, revenge will come quick.
On a trip down the Nile,
A great crocodile
Chomps off that randy sod's prick.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file lel
Playing his pipes while he's amblin'.
He charms all the rats
And the villager's brats,
'Til he meets his demise up in Hamelin.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The pope has forgiven her sin.
Her body's for hire
To the Vatican choir...
Wendy -- saints go marchin' in.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And into the river rats routed.
When the town wouldn't pay,
Of children, next day,
The town then became destituted.
--- Irving Superior P9403
So the prince could climb up to her lair.
The witch learned the plan
And captured the man,
But they still lived on happily e'er!
--- Lois Walker
"This is getting to be quite a hassle.
I've given up hope
Of a prince with a rope,
So I'm growing my hair past my astle.
--- Anon
To be saved by a prince who was plucky.
She let down her hair,
Which he climbed like a stair.
Then she kissed him and said, "'Ello, ducky!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Rapunzel let down her muff hair.
He limed up her minge
Then said with a cringe,
"That twat sure would look better bare?"
--- Randog
You'd not have got into my lair."
And with him inside,
She's knotted and tied
Him in place...And I guess he's still there.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Is Tiddy Ogg's double-entendre!
Securing the prince
Makes 'Punzel smile, since
He's ever less likely to wander.
--- Scott Oliver
Say, if they had hooks microscopic,
To keep men in it,
They would, in a minute,
Do so. They would be peniscopic!
--- Scott Oliver
Mingly at a nympho-chicks mercy?
She can take the whole day
Having manflesh buffet,
And then all through the night, ride my percy.
--- Randog
Beside a nice bare one, it'd pale.
Beside who'd climb down,
Sweat, grunting, and frown,
When you could just ride her slime trail.
--- Randog
Just shave the extraneous shag,
And savor how sleek
She feels 'gainst your cheek
Before her bald beaver you tag.
--- Randog
"Is careful about what he spends,
If he'd bought him a good
Sturdy ladder of wood,
I wouldn't have all these split ends."
--- A N Wilkins P8701
Lets her hair down in two golden plaits.
They're tougher than ropes
And she earnestly hopes
That her lover will climb them. She's bats.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
The lovely fair Rapunzel called;
She loosened her hair
To be used as a stair,
And was rescued!....though now she was bald!
--- Val Burns P0509
On nursery rhymes I have chose.
About bears and pigs,
And a girl seen in wigs,
And so, this is how it goes...
--- Sandman
To join the three bears at their table.
But unless I'm mistaken,
The chairs were all taken,
And this guy was in the wrong fable!
--- Sandman
Convinced of his task, he'd not fail.
Three pigs would be good,
But Red Riding Hood
Would he like for his dinner (with ale).
--- Sandman
But was amazed at what eventually he saw;
A lady of the night,
Quite a pretty young site,
Red Riding Hood had turned into a whore!
--- Sandman
In a trade that is ever so shady.
No more does she roam,
For France is her home,
And she's now known simply as Sadie.
--- Sandman
To rescue the voluptuous beauty
Away from this vice,
Would be very nice,
And stop others from touching her booty.
--- Sandman
He wanted to 'know her' to free her.
He accepted her advances,
And suggestive glaces,
Now all he's got is gonorrhea.
--- Sandman
"Oh goody! There's Red in her Hood!"
Said Red, with a smirk,
"Come here, you big jerk,
But this time you better be good!"
--- John Miller
That's Grandma's perfume; I can tell!"
"Aw shucks, I just ate her!"
"You dumb masturbator!
You can jolly well eat me as well!"
--- John Miller
But we'll have to stop meeting like this.
If Mama finds out
What we've been about,
You'll get fucked till you're too sore to piss!"
--- John Miller
That your tongue is so long it looks queer."
Said the wolf, "You will find
That it causes no bind.
It is better to eat you, my dear."
--- Al Chaplin P0304
When out of the blue, the wolf struck.
"I will eat you, " he said,
Which upset Little Red,
"What's the matter, does nobody fuck?"
--- Al Chaplin P9702a
Mama Hood one day shouted to Red.
"Put down that vibrator,
And take these potaters
To Grannie, she's got to be fed."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Having been on the gin, she's quite drunk.
But her car is a-waiting,
So without hesitating,
She throws the spud sack in the trunk.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And weaves her mad way down the street.
But the road's swaying so,
And the next thing we know,
A lamp post she happens to meet.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A cop car comes up the main drag.
Out gets Mister Fuzz,
And the way that he does,
Says "Honey, blow into this bag."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Pulls her bodice down, flashes her tits.
"Let me off with a caution,
And I'll give you a portion,"
Grabs his dick, "Yeah, I bet this thing fits."
--- Tiddy Ogg
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