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So as you would guess, her I tell a
New twist on that thing, Cinderella.
For each one will sit
On the pole; she who'll fit
Will surely get off with that fella.
--- Tiddy Ogg

But due to her barnyard diversion,
Moldipox can't grip with exertion;
And H is too tight,
But G thinks she might...
"I'm coming!"'s her gleeful assertion.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The prince wakes, to joyful refrains,
But straight away, the pillock complains:
"If you'd take your eyes
Away from my thighs,
You'd see than I'm strapped down with chains.
--- Tiddy Ogg

"And though bondage fills some with glee,
That, gals, is not the case with me.
So you'd better go
To the dungeons below,
And get from a well there, the key.
--- Tiddy Ogg

So off troop our trio downstairs,
To depths where the brave alone dares,
(Or if not the brave,
Then the fool or the slave
Of lust,) to the basement and there's...
--- Tiddy Ogg

...A well. 'Round the top they all grope,
And find, passing downwards, a rope.
With crud it's congealed,
But they haul, and's revealed,
Not soap, nor the Pope smoking dope...
--- Tiddy Ogg

...But a bad tempered bird firmly caged.
From below comes a voice, most enraged:
"Come back with my parrot!"
Then up pops a carrot-
Haired giant, and soom he's engaged...
--- Tiddy Ogg

With Moldypox, who cries: "At last!,
A man who can fill me. You bast-
Ard, come stick it in here."
The others, in fear,
With parrot, skedaddle, real fast.
--- Tiddy Ogg

"What use is that tattered old crow!"
Cries Princey, his face full of woe.
Thus answers the bird:
"You shut up! You turd!
For I have the key, don't you know.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The Giant and M finish work,
And join sisters, bird, and the berk. (??)
"Right folks, you all get
Into a quartet,"
Cries parrot, "and you shut up, jerk."
--- Tiddy Ogg

"The key, my dear boneheads, is D.
I'll whistle, you take it from me.
A chorus or two
Of "What'll it do?"
Should do it and then he'll be free.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Their voices rise up to the strains...
The resonant frequencys gained.
A snap and a crack;
The fetters go slack,
And laddo is freed from his chains.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Thus Goldie and Princey now share
A life ful of joy, and the pair
Of Moldy and Red
Will spend years in bed,
Which just leaves our Holyhocks spare.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The moral of what has occurred,
Lucinda dear, as you have heard,
If you don't give pleasure
With your little treasure,
You'll finish up getting the bird.
--- Tiddy Ogg

You've hear of dear Sleeping Beauty
Who slept till the prince, a real cutie,
Quickly slipped her some tongue,
Then showed he was hung,
When he shoved it right up her booty.
--- Azul

Now Azul, that's naughty and rude;
I'm glad that you are not a prude.
So now let us meet,
While walking a street,
And talk about being quite crude.
--- Archie

Sleeping Beauty, and, ah yes, The Prince.
The story makes most people wince.
He liked getting head
From girls who were dead
And instead of plain walking, he'd mince.
--- John Miller

Dopey, and Sneezy, and Sleepy,
Had reason enough to be weepy,
Because with the dawn,
Their nookey was gone,
Purloined by one thoroughly creepy.
--- John Miller

Cinderella had her charmer, too,
But ended her life feeling blue.
Her virginal quim
Unsullied by him,
'Cause he only came in her shoe.
--- John Miller

The Fairy Godmother, of course,
Could do what she wished with a horse.
And as for the mice,
Well, that wasn't mice...
(Ask Archie, go right to the source.)
--- John Miller

Rapunzel let down her long hair,
Much used by her Prince as a stair.
But the witch, who was Bi
Stole him for her guy
And assaulted them both with a flair.
--- John Miller

The same witch had Hansel and Gretel
And had them all in a fine fettle.
But just who ate who,
I leave up to you,
And who ended up in the kettle.
--- John Miller

The bride-to-be, donning her dress,
Excitedly told her witness,
With a glorious smile,
"First comes the aisle,
And then begins our happiness."
--- Res Ipsa

"And then at the altar, we'll pray,
For conjugal bliss every day.
And no one need guess
As to our happiness;
'They're the happiest couple,' they'll say."
--- Res Ipsa

"Third, is to love him and more.
'Course some habits of his are no more.
He'll stop watching sports,
And we'll visit resorts,
And my mother he'll learn to adore.
--- Res Ipsa

Said the matron, "You're a lovely bride.
Your love simply can't be denied.
The order you get?
And you will not forget?"
"Sure: Aisle, altar, him," she replied.
--- Res Ipsa

"When you walk down the aisle don't look grim,"
Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.
When I stand by the altar
The groom must not falter."
"Ah yes," said the bride, "Aisle, altar, hymn."
--- Casey Renn P0204 P8702

An Athenian King took a bride
But was shocked that her thing was so wide.
She'd been open to traffic
That was heavily Sapphic,
And with standing-room-only inside.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8308

Said the newly-wed bride to the groom,
"Bring it on back to the room."
Said groom, with lament,
"I can't 'cause it's lent."
She said, "For how long, and to whom?"
--- Observer

A modest young lady named Beal,
Once protected herself with great zeal,
But when she'd been wedded,
The thing that she dreaded,
Was a boon of enormous appeal.
--- Anon

A man with venereal fear,
Had intercourse in his wife's ear.
She said, "I don't mind,
Except that I find,
When the telephone rings, I don't hear."
--- G0584

As she spread 'em once more in the sack,
A worn out young bride simpered, "Jack,
The back seat of the car
I found more fun by far...
Now I'm calloused all over my back!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 170

Hey, Spuddie, it's good to see you;
So tell us all, Kiddo, what's new.
Likely as not
You'll soon tie the knot
With Gary, congrats, here's brew!
--- Arden

This is file lbl

Why thanks, I could use a stiff drink!
(Among other stiff things, I should think...)
He arrives on the morrow
And I've got to borrow
Some knickers to wear under this mink.
--- Cheryl

You see, I've sent all my panties afar;
I know this might sound quite bizarre,
But I can't deny
Any crotch-sniffing guy
Who prefers my scent to caviar!
--- Cheryl

I've still got your panties, you know,
That you sent nearly six months ago;
Though they're tattered and torn,
Now I've sniffed 'em and worn
'Em, they gave me a boost down below!
--- Peter Wilkins

The purple ones? Or was it the red?
Did I send them to Paris instead?
Now I'm all confused
But still quite amused,
At the thought of those drawers on your head!
--- Cheryl

So what will my Englishman say
When he finds me unclothed in this way?
Perhaps he'll just grin
And think it's a win-win
Situation, and we'll play all day.
--- Cheryl

A newlywed man from Orillia
Had the physical size of a Gorillia.
He told his new bride,
"Get on top and astride.
The other way 'round, it might kill 'ya."
--- Alex Heydon P0506

A woman clad only in dimity,
Displaying a warm magnanimity,
Is bound to create
Between her and her mate,
An ever-increasing proximity.
--- Limber Limericks

There was a young squaw of the Sioux,
Who married a blond lad named Lou.
They were so good in bed,
It mattered not she's red,
Yellow, black, pink, white, mauve or blue.
--- William K Alsop Jr

There was a young lady from Clyde,
Who suddenly became a bride.
She had asked for protection
From her boyfriend's erection,
But what he heard was, "Come on inside!"
--- Big Little Playoy Lims

A lateral thinker said to his bride,
"May I take you onto one side?"
But she, a logician,
Made sure her position
Would show no 'De Bono' applied.
--- H Myers T9801

A thoughtful young bride of North Lyme
Said, "Although sex is simply devine,
As I told Aloysius,
Between douches and dishes,
I'm in hot water most of the time."
--- G0154

"How I wept," said poor newly-wed Joan,
"When I found my man had to be shown
On very large charts,
The site of all parts
Of every erogenous zone."
--- Isaac Asimov

With arms open wide, the groom beckoned
His bride to come hither, he reckoned
That he'd not be denied,
But she tiredly implied
She could not stay awake for a second.
--- Observer

A lady from far Madagascar
Consented to marry a Lascar.
Her friends thought 'twas naughty,
But she was past forty,
And he was the first man to ask her.
--- Linda Marsh Coll

The bride of a banker in Iver,
Took on a small bet for a fiver,
Straight after the marriage,
She stripped in the carriage
And drove from the church like Godiva.
--- Harold C Bibby

Rita and Harry are to hitch;
Rita's a tart, and Harry is rich.
He thinks she is funny,
And she just wants his money,
As half she'll get, once he's been ditched.
--- Mushroom

"What sweet little ear-muffs," she cried,
"I'll wear them in winter, outside."
"Not ear-muffs," he laughed,
As he whanged out his shaft,
"They're knee-pads, my lovely sweet bride."
--- Peter Wilkins

While on a Carribean vacation
A man met a beautiful Haitian.
Then he put a gold band
On third finger, left hand,
And cut off her circulation.
--- Observer

My wife is not much of a cooker,
But she is a very good looker.
Though the meals that she serves,
At times get on my nerves,
She saves me the cost of a hooker.
--- Bob Birch P0410

There was aa young woman from Reading,
Who said, "I won't screw with no wedding!"
To get this gal laid,
I made her bridesmaid,
And gave her what wifey was dreading!
--- Frank Fazed

"My Dear," said the Duchess of Chichester,
To the blushing young bride as she kissed her,
"You have marvelous luck,
He's a wonderful fuck!
You can take it from me and my sister!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Pity the fellow named Cholmondeley
Whose bride was exceedingly colmondeley.
He went off to bed
With the best man instead,
While the bridegroom just sat around glomondeley.
--- John P9807

An elderly bride of Port Jervis,
Was quite understandably nervous,
When her apple-cheeked groom,
With three wives in the tomb,
Kept insuring her during the service.
--- Ogden Nash P0203

My spinster-aunt cooked up a plan
To capture a man in Japan;
Her plane crashed on the way,
But a card came today
And it's signed Mrs. Orang-utan.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8408

An eager young bride of Lahore,
Found her husband a terrible bore.
She'd expected of him
That he'd tickle her quim,
But the bastard did nothing but snore.
--- G1572

A neurotic from north Tuscaloosa
Was afraid for his bride, lest he lose her,
'Cause he hadn't the strength,
Not to mention the length
That was sine qua non to enthuse her.
--- Keith MacMillan A012A

How bashful and shy my new Mrs.;
She blushes beet-red at my krs.
She hasn't the heart
To sneeze, burp, or fart;
And denies that she poops or she prs.
--- Emily

Antenuptual events for the bride
Involve "showers" from which she can't hide.
She must ooh! at each nightie
And act young and flighty,
Without a scintilla of pride.
--- Mimi

About a young fellow named Fred
And his non-drinking bride it is said
That he got her impassioned
With a single old fashioned,
But then she rolled under the bed.
--- Limber Limericks

My fat sister has one on the way;
The poor bitch will get hitched today;
And won't be first bride
To down the aisle glide,
Carrying more than just a bouquet.
--- David Miller

Reminds me of my cousin Flo,
Who worked out the timing just so.
Pre-marital bedding
Meant she had the wedding
And baptism done in one go.
--- Tiddy Ogg

There was a young fellow of Ryde
Who was terribly shocked at his bride.
She said she was reading
A book on 'Good Breeding' --
Which proved to be really 'Bell's Guide'.
--- R Davies (Bibby) P0103

A practical fellow named Prater
Wed a quad amputee from Decatur.
The poor girl was blind,
But he said, "I do find
The percentage of twat is much greater."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2915

There once was a bride from Kentucky
Who thought herself terribly lucky
Whenever her hubby
Would play with her nubby,
Instead of his rubberized ducky.
--- Norm Storer


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