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A newly wed lady named Fleur
Demanded a luxury fur,
And her cravings at night
Gave her husband a fright.
But he did make a good souteneur.
(souteneur - provider)
Silly Sally, the pretty young bride, He thought "She's gotta be joking" The groom's life was a cataclysm; Silly Sally longed to go home. The groom's heart was convinced by his dick. It's OK if you think me sick, A trim little fellow named Klaus, The bride said she'd marry in in style, Of IMPUISSANCE, the fair sex might sing. She set out to hen-peck her mate A new husband whom we will call Willy, Smiling, the pretty young bride There was a young lady named Brandon, ("For my motto,"she said, "Has always been Nil desperandum."
A winsome young lady from Redding "Oh dear," said the bride who would learn, It seems mail-order brides are passe; Mine is a very unusual case: A farmer took infinite pride Will that train ever reach Tucumcari? Here she comes! While I don't do distortions, She's got thunder-thighs, plus big beepers; Her shadow is big for mid-day; For the nuptuals, they're going hell-bent; The bridesmaids, all buxom, wear red; Reverend Lockjaw stand up, wipes his snout; The reception's a madcap arena; That popskull makes folks act like clowns; Now I'm thoroughly smashed; hear Mae wail! Nuptual bunk's not the place for a fruit; I've got two broken ribs; that's no laugh; On my hands and my knees, now I creep; Sun Myung Moon, with his mind-numbing forces, Da dah and da dah will be wed -- Our daughtler's wedding is on 10/31. The reception is on All Saint's Day eve. Now after the couple's been wed, On Holloween my daughter will wed. My daughter's getting married, you see; When a young engaged lady of Redding A girl, once a victim of rape, He was late getting out of his bed; There was a young fellow named Pyle, So Stanley, my friend, is now hitched, So Stan, how does it feel, old buddy? A bolshevik, boarding in Bedfordshire,
(Beds) My wedding will be in grand scale. Manhattan's the loneliest isle, There was a young lady from Frome, There once was an old coffee-taster My hamster is called Otis Redding. We watched from the old wooden pew Her eyes were all dewy with tears In her beaded and fitted white linen The pledge was to have and to hold There was a young fellow named Birch, I went to the wedding of Pete Western marriages last -- one or two, A lustful young trapper named Capper This goes out to one and to all, There will be music; will be dance; Although you may not fine it funny, A thirtyish yuppie named Sally The note giver thought she was hooked, As one date led to two and then three In the Spring time, the brides go to shop,
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9205
Wanted to go for a ride.
But not with the groom,
The best man had room,
So she invited herself inside.
--- Mike Perry
That is, till she began stroking
His member with pleasure
And bared her treasure,
Which, of course, he started poking.
--- Mike Perry
He had to relieve his own jism.
With despair he cried,
"I feel like I've died,
My friend stole my wife and I miss him!"
--- Mike Perry
"No way" said her ex on the phone.
The dog thought "Please!
I'll stop scratching my fleas,
Bring her home for some more doggy bone!"
--- Mike Perry
And he called her back rather quick.
When Sally walked in,
I swear old Duke grinned,
Rolled over and brought her a stick!
--- Mike Perry
For this tale of a k9 prick.
Sally's not silly,
She's proven that really...
You can teach an old dog a new trick!
--- Mike Perry
Was as timid and meek as a mouse.
But he never felt fear
For protection was near:
His gargantuan seven foot spouse.
--- Warrick Elrod
But she tripped on her way down the aisle.
He feet went from under,
She crashed down like thunder,
And her groom did a four minute mile!
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Yet once she has her wedding ring
From an eager mate,
The law will then state,
She'll get half of what he might then bring.
--- Chris Papa
And keep him well off her own gate.
As she felt pretty chaste
And would not be debased;
But hers was a cock-pecked wife's fate.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9006
Picked out a present for his wife, Millie.
He gave her some hose,
Without any toes.
Millie said: "Willie, you're silly."
--- Tom Ratliff P0303
Showed her surgical slit off with pride:
"Appendix was shot,
But now with this slot,
I'm ready for some on the side."
--- John Miller Q
Whose feet were to narrow to stand on.
So she stood on her head,
'Til the day she was wed,
Renowned for her reckless abandon.
--- Anon
Remarked on the day of her wedding,
"It's always so pleasant
To open a present --
I hope I get plenty of bedding."
--- Lims Unlimited
"A problem is here I discern.
It's a bit of a bind
And it boggles the mind,
For I don't know which way I should turn."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0918
Bridal candidate mixers hold sway.
Would-be brides their wares tout,
Friends of Groom pick Bride out...
And the rest of their lives, both can pay.
--- Prof M-G TP9806
I was wed way out in cyberspace.
My spouse and I met
By chance on the 'Net,
But we haven't yet met face to face.
--- F R Duplantier Lib Lim
In selecting a mail order bride.
When she came C.O.D.
He cried out, "God help me!
The damned catalogue must have lied."
--- Warrick Elrod
My new love's coming in from the prairie;
She's a mail-order bride;
(Hear she's a yard wide!)
A certificate says she is cherry!
--- Allen Wolverton
To detrain, she goes through some contortions.
The car door's a bit small
For my muscle-bound doll;
She ain't fat; she's of royal proportions!
--- Allen Wolverton
Bluish eye-gunk smeared all 'round her peepers;
She's all muscle and bone;
Purple hair, all high-tone;
On the platform, folks say "Jeepers Creepers!"
--- Allen Wolverton
With a thunderous voice she does bray.
Says "My name it is Mae;
You look sweet, boy, I'll stay!"
While the train puffs and chug-chugs away.
--- Allen Wolverton
Tumcumcari's main social event.
For the whole month of June
Wedding's in the saloon;
Honeymoon is out back in a tent.
--- Allen Wolverton
(From the whorehouse, right up overhead);
And my bride's wearing white;
(Keeps tattoos out of sight);
Down the aisle they come, full speed ahead!
--- Allen Wolverton
Said, "Milady, do you take this lout?"
She bellows "I do!"
(Splits her veil right in two);
Then she farts. The best man passes out!
--- Allen Wolverton
A drunk plays a quaint concertina.
For a grand wenier-roast,
The wild crowd drinks a toast
To Tyrannosaur (hiccup) regina!
--- Allen Wolverton
All the bridesmaids rip off their red gowns.
More than one drunken whore
Stoops and pukes on the floor;
In the horse trough outside, on guy drowns.
--- Allen Wolverton
"You are coming to bed without fail!"
She grabs hold of my feet,
Drags me off like dead meat.
Through the sawdust, my head leaves a trail.
--- Allen Wolverton
Big Mac tears off my new union suit;
Her arms squeeze me tight,
Can scarce breathe -- what a fright!
My bride is a powerful brute.
--- Allen Wolverton
Plus I'm swacked, but can still plant my staff.
Her muscular chink
Makes my Big Willy think,
He's been caught by a poor starving calf!
--- Allen Wolverton
Guess my bachelor ways I can't keep.
Gonna keep my new bride;
(Oh Boy, what a ride!)
So will anyone here take my sheep?
--- Allen Wolverton
Led five thousand down blind wedding courses.
Should they all soon repent,
Will his next mass event
Stage their twenty-five hundred divorces?
--- Prof M-G T9711
This is file lal
The nuptual path they will tread.
The cash I have spent
Could pay a years rent..
So come drink and cry and get fed.
--- H Welchel
We're inviting each and every one.
The event is traditional
And entirely volitional.
Please join us as they become one.
--- S C Saint
Requested attire, would you believe,
Is a costume befitting
The day they're committing;
Please... No attending as Adam and Eve.
--- S C Saint
To a wacky reception they'll head.
Be sure your attired
In costume -- required.
We'll party right out of our head.
--- Frank Fazed
Then frolic in nuptual bed,
With her Transylvanian lad
And his shaft known a Vlad,
The impaler, or so it's been said.
--- Hungarian
Were so happy, her mother and me!
Halloween is the date
She is taking a mate,
It's fitting cause she's so ugly!
--- FB
Called in to see some new bedding,
She wound up in a screw
With a salesman she knew,
And was almost too late for her wedding.
--- Allan Ottley, 1974
Shunned men, but dated an ape.
Though he was savage and hairy,
They decided to marry,
And their wedding, of course, caught on tape.
--- Anon
Ran to work; Crossed the street when on red.
To complete his day's start,
Both his shoes fell apart;
He stopped. 'Twas the day to get wed!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who walked with his bride down the aisle.
She had with her a ball,
And a chain, lock and all,
But he had in his pocket a file.
--- Albin Chaplin
And the bachelor life he has ditched.
It sure warms my heart,
To see him get smart,
With a bride who's got him bewitched.
--- Dick Hull
Must be nice, cause your cheeks are ruddy.
I'm so glad that Sue
Will sure not let you
Turn into an old fuddy-duddy.
--- Dick Hull
His bride's not in white
Like a pre-Raphaelite,
But robed in the reddest of reds.
--- Harold C Bibby
Invitations are now in the mail.
We have two weeks to wait,
Just me and my mate,
But the cake is getting quite stale!
--- Al Willis
But someday I'm certain that I'll
Find just the right miss.
She'll give me a kiss
Then march with me right down the aisle.
--- Norm Storer P9112
Who thought as she entered the room,
"If my efforts to please
Are restricted to these,
I shall have to elope with the groom."
--- Peter Davies P0510Q
Who loved a young blonde turkey-baster.
But she spurned his advances,
And taking her chances,
Eloped with a wall-paper paster.
--- Limber Limericks
My goldfish is Joan Armatrading.
My dogs are The Platters -
Not that that matters.
No, we're all up to here with the wedding.
--- Kevin Hale Q
For a sign on the sole of his shoe.
With a hush in the air,
We heard him declare
Well...aah...yes I think that I do!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
It had taken her so many years
But finally a man
Had taken her hand,
And dashed away all of her fears
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The new bride was constantly grinnin'.
Her dream had come true.
Yes! Now she could screw
And not feel as if she were sinnin'.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Forever or so I've been told.
They'd better move fast;
It likely won't last;
Who's betting this marriage will fold?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
A bride he did find in his search.
He appeared quite contented
But in truth was demented.
She was had on the steps of the church.
--- Albin Chaplin
And Marie. It was ever so sweet.
It was held in a bed
Room. The usher called Ted
Said, "I'll sew you, my friend, to your sheet."
--- Peter Wilkins
But the rest of them fall in the loo.
"If it weren't for that son
We conceived out of fun,
I damn sure would not say 'I do!'"
--- Lynn
Got hitched to a dapper young flapper.
His assault was released
Right in front of the priest,
For he did not have time to unwrap her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0077
Please pay heed to our plaintive call.
Here is our wedding invitiation;
Join us in celebration;
Come bear witness as we take our fall.
--- Anon
Wine and food and a warm romance.
If you missed the Titanic
Out on the Atlantic,
Here you'll get quite another chance.
--- Anon
Making fun of Matrimony,
A happy union is rare.
We spend our time in prayer
That our's doesn't end in acrimony.
--- Anon
At her first political rally,
Got handed a note
Which asked her to vote,
For the candidate needing a tally.
--- Dick Hull
And liked the way Sally had looked.
They chatted away
And without delay,
A date with her he had booked.
--- Dick Hull
They got more and more happy, you see.
So now they are wed
And let it be said,
That on politics they both agree!
--- Dick Hull
Spending big bucks that make daddy drop.
"Baby dear, it's ONE day,"
All the Papas do say,
But the girls just retort, "Get Hip, Pop."
--- Grafixres
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