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Said a globe trotter, Pussy Ablaze, He travelled the world quite a lot; I traveled a very long lane Californians, some from Encino, She whored and she drank and she stole, (thirteen feet are in a limerick - McW)
There once was a woman named Gail There once was a man named Sven; 'Tis said travel doth broaden the mind; Just time for a sandwich and beer, A travel guide said, with hysteria, A professor who lived in Leixlip, A ex-football player and jock There is a young lady named Phoebe Speaking of odd little topics: On the Quietly Flowing Don's shore, The yachtsmen who cruise the Dneiper's On the Quietly Flowing Don's shore, On the Irutsk near Khanty Manslysk, While boating across the Khatanga, There once was an indolent hobo The natives who sail up the Nile The river near Novosiberysk With Flo up the old Orinoco Why, Tiddy! Such colorful prose! We went on a Russian River cruise; We ate in the ship's dining hall. Of their culture the tourists learned lots; Of all Russia, Great Catherine was boss. The tour guide stood next to the icon Said the Russian ballerina, Pavlova Actor Boris played Peter the Great The wheat grower in the Ukraine In the summer it's known far and wide While punting along on the Volga, There's a town in Texas called Cheek, I'm off to the County again -- This lunchtime I'm going (hooray) I'm back Tuesday evening this time, Down there on the Somerset levels, Now what of my jaunt down to Taunton? But being a gentleman (truly!) They stared in amazement and awe, And soon all those Somerset lasses Their squeals as I set them alight Oh come now; you think it's not true? He started by plundering the crotch And next, he gave more than a touch Italian, Greek, and Albanian, Next Austrian, Estonian, Omani, Egyptian, Jordanian, Algerian, Tunisian, then Spaniard, and Libyan, But first he must stop off at Aden, But no, here I must be mistaken; And next, our man's off to Guyana, From Ecuador off to East Asia, And no, he's not given up yet; He reckons there's just three to do, But which Merkin state should he choose So where was his last? I can tell I enjoyed this work, every part Instead of a seedy motel, My bedroom, some ten metres square, What fun evey morning to get The room-service waitress was keen, With breakfast in bed, a TV And how could I ever forget
"It once took Nellie Bly eighty days.
But I did it, no sweat,
In two weeks on a bet,
And still managed at least eighty lays.
--- William N Nesbit P9702
Places cold, places warm, places hot.
Someone said, "Tell me please,
Do you catch much disease?"
He said, "Not since doc gave me the shot."
--- Arthur Pattaffy
In agony, anguish, and pain,
For the lane never turned,
And from it I learned
Not to travel a straight lane again.
--- Limber Limericks
Travel eastward to Vegas and Reno.
Every spring they make haste,
For they've no time to waste;
They come back to swallow Cappuccino.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
From Boston to Paris to Seoul.
I'll tell you this much:
I sure wouldn't touch
That dame with a thirteen-foot pole.
--- Al Willis P9702
Who needed to travel to Vail,
So she packed up her socks,
And got into a box,
And she sent herself there in the mail.
--- Cap'n Bean P0308
He toured all the lands, and then
He wrote of his tour
In a book called Bonjour,
And traveled the lands once again.
--- Bill Wall
Seek ye all the new sights ye can find.
It becomes much more fun
If instead of just one,
The trip is made by one of each kind!
--- Arthur Pattaffy a
In the mere 30 hours I'll be here;
For tomorrow I pack
Up my bags and go back
Once again (up to Yorkshire) I fear.
--- Anon
"My sense of direction's inferior!
My party for Spain
Has turned up in Bahrein,
And the one for New York's in Siberia."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was forgetful when off on a trip.
Confused and amiss,
The porter he'd kiss,
And leave naught for his wife but a tip.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Complained that the length of the walk
From his house to the sea,
Took two days or three,
And more if he stopped for a talk.
--- Michael Palin
Who drove looking for a B and B. (bed and breakfast)
A few that she found
Were not fit for a hound;
It was not even good for a freebie!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
A dozen or so zoanthropics
Once chartered a boat
And proceeded to float
To a jungle way off in the tropics.
--- Keith Gilman P0110
Is Sholokhov's Chernobyl fruit store;
He says, "They sell well....
Men buy them I tell,
For their ex-wives and Mothers-in-Law."
Rough waters are frequent high-steppers.
And the cause of their quivers,
Is the fact that the river's
Grown hemmorrhoids the size of bell peppers.
--- Hugh Clary
Is Shokolov's Chernobyl fruit store.
He says, "They sell well...
Men buy them, so they tell,
For their ex-wives and Mothers-in-Law."
--- David Miller
With Tatyana I took a small risk.
But she started blushin',
Said something in Russian,
And hit me 'tween the legs with her fisk.
--- Observer
I strummed my guitar while I sanga
Love song to Natasha
And thought I might flasha,
In hopes that she'd soon let me banga.
--- Observer
Who lived by the river Limpopo;
Gray, greasy, and green,
It was great, but unclean,
And the fever trees grew only soso.
--- Lims Unlimited
Are upset and very hostile.
The Anubis virus
Compiled by Osirus.
Has erased their papyrus file.
--- David Miller
Is fabled as frightful and fiersk.
And the hemmorrhoids grown
By the Ob (as it's known),
Are only attractive to queersk.
--- Hugh Clary
She said" Fuck me, Tid? I should cocoa.
I'm having great fun
With a pencil, old son,
While doing this puzzle, sudoco."
But nowadays, here's how it goes:
Your simili's apt --
Your "rat" would get trapped
In a "drainpipe" offending your nose!
We saw churches without any pews.
We saw holy icons
We shot with our Nikons,
But the best part of all was the booze.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0509
The food wasn't bad -- portions small.
The menu not varied;
The kitchen staff harried,
And the waitress was seven feet tall.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0509
We saw gem studded emperor's pots.
We saw Russian dancing
With stamping and prancing,
And we all learned to down vodka shots.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0509
Men could die just for making her cross.
She let all the world know
A brave knight was her beau;
She was really in love with his horse.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0509
While the tourist took a shot with his Nikon
She said privately
"I really must pee"
She'd forgotten she still had her mike' on
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0509
"A new figure is something I'd go for"
With her surgeon's persistence
And silicone's assistance
She said, "My-how my cups runneth over"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0509
The king of the old Russian state
The girls in the chorus
Were enamoured of Boris
'Cause his peter was always first rate
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0509
Doesn't suffer from Russia's psychic pain
No, he isn't melancholy
In fact he's rather jolly
He makes 86 proof from his grain
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0509
Russian women, their bosoms don't hide
As they hurry 'round town
Some bounce up and down
And the others would sway side to side
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0509
This is file kwm
My fingers strayed deep into Olga.
She sighed, "Man you're droll.
You're in the wrong hole.
If you don't know, it's time someone told ya."
--- John Miller
That sits on the banks of a creek,
Of which a wee branch
Runs through a ranch;
It's so small, it's just a damp streak.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Just me and these two cute young men!
This ain't about sex
And I'll wring their necks
For calling me "Old Mother Hen."
--- Anon
Down to Taunton (that's Somerset way).
It's the home of good scrumpy
And rumpy and pumpy,
With girlies who roll in the hay.
--- Anon
And on Wednesday I promise to rhyme,
About anything messy
Concerning dear Bessie,
Or West Country girlies sublime.
--- Anon
You'll find that those wenches are devils.
And those there in Taunton,
At you will be flauntin'
Their charms, so have a good revel.
--- Anon
Those Somerset women were flauntin'
Their feminine lace-
Covered bits in my face.
And at times even I found it dauntin'.
--- Anon
I was not disconcerted unduly;
I flashed them a smile,
As I whipped out a mile-
And-a-half of my member unruly.
--- Anon
For they'd seen nothing like it before;
Then one who was braver
(A right little raver)
Stripped off and began to explore.
--- Anon
Were urgently stripping in masses;
They eagerly pounced
On my measure and bounced
On it; thousands of pussies and asses.
--- Anon
Echoed all around Taunton that night;
Exhaustively drilled
And completely fulfilled
They collapsed in ecstatic delight.
--- Anon
Would I ever tell porkies to you?
Alright, I admit
That I daydream a bit ..
Well OK, it's a load of old poo.
--- Anon
Of girls English, Irish and Scotch,
And then a Welsh screw,
Both human and ewe,
And marked on his cane one more notch.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Of dick to gals French, Belgian, Dutch,
And while in the region
A Swede and Norwegian,
And Dane, (not the dog, that's too much).
--- Tiddy Ogg
A Swiss roll, a Finn, a Romanian,
And then hair disturb
Of Kosovan, Serb,
Plus Portuguese, Russian, Ukrainian.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Iranian, Turk, Pakistani,
To Saudi, then back,
Filled a crack in Iraq,
Then Syrian, Turkmenistani.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Ghanaian, Ivorean, Liberian,
To Chad and the Gambia,
To Mali and Zambia,
Zimbabwean chicks, and Nigerian.
--- Tiddy Ogg
South African next, and Namibian,
And then went out seekin'
A fine Mozambiquan,
Then headed off for the Caribbean.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To ravish a Yemeni maiden,
And after a nap,
A Chinese and Jap...
I think his libido is fadin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He's ramming a lovely Jamaican,
A Cuban, Barbadian,
A chic Trinidadian,
And one from St Kitts who's not fakin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To proffer his throbbing banana,
To Chile, Peru,
The Argentine too,
Colombia, Brazil, Mexicana.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To Thailand, Cambodia, Malaysia.
While shagging a Burman,
A touristing German
Gets tupped and at speed that amaze ya.
--- Tiddy Ogg
There's gals in Nepal and Tibet,
In Bangladesh, India,
A Cypriot minge, a
Maltese, and a Latvian pet.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So hops on a flight to Peru.
And there in La Paz
A fine time he has,
Reducing his quota to two.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To pick his penultimate cooze?
Can't find one, goodbye-ee
He's off to Hawaii,
For one of his most pleasant screws.
--- Tiddy Ogg
You this: that he know very well,
To Canada land,
Where ladies are grand,
And they all go like Eskimo Nell.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was perfect from finish to start.
A journey erotic
To places exotic.
As limericks go, it was art!
--- Goin2
I've just stayed in a proper hotel;
It had bedrooms real neat,
Each with bathrooms en-suite,
And the chambermaid's name was Michelle.
--- Peter Wilkins
Was most tastefully furnished with care;
While the taps, hot and cold,
In the bathrooms were gold...
And the chambermaid's name it was Claire.
--- Peter Wilkins
'Neath the shower with adjustable jet,
From a warm gentle spray
To good heavens! Wahey!
And the chambermaid's name was Annette.
--- Peter Wilkins
Always serving me breakfast between
7:30 and 8:00;
Never late was young Kate...
And the chambermaid's name was Charlene.
--- Peter Wilkins
And a mini-bar, coffee and tea --
Making stuff and that shower
'Twas bliss evey hour...
And the chambermaid's name was Marie.
--- Peter Wilkins
'Bout the bed; was it cosy? You bet!
It was fit for a king
And its firmness of spring
Will be good for more chambermaids yet.
--- Peter Wilkins
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