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For "to be" to be tickety-boo, (RAF slang 1920s - okay) Those committing the grossest offenses I've now got some homework for you: For brothers, we sometimes say brethren; Where do those commas all go; Any student of folk song will show This wee bonnie Irish young lass -- My point is that English has oceans In London, a man from Siam We are bit murderous bastards, you see, A snivelling six-year-old, St John, Am, are, is (plural are, are, are) are To raise yourself up from the primitives, It's easy to tell that it's fiction, There was a young person named Tate, A homophone is very near While our poets all write in their DENS, I can't tell a ewe from a yew, "There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny. In homophonericking TO, This dumb fart is so full of baloney! Hey Ward, though I'm merely a gawker When seized by a physical need, An old Scottish lady named Hannah A traveller to Timbuktu, With five, I'll be known to a hound; There was a young lady of Slough Though those guys crave the spotlight, to THEIR There was a young lady from Crewe, "I'm wracked with a weak back," said Jack, A right-handed fellow named Wright, Said a boy to his teacher one day, At afternoon tea with John Peel, It remains yet a mystery to me, One's hiccups are quite an affliction Japanese rike the preasure of Haiku, It strikes me as an offensive craze. There was an old man with a stutter Then to some more offensive by far A word for a little bell's ring; The English you speak is the Queen's It takes quite a broad brush to paint Those creatures whose fate's a short life A Scotsman at Loch Inverness My job's an imbecility There was a young lady named Joyce, The apostrophe: very impressive, My Muse (if unused) suffers ostrophe There once was a fellow named Nolan, Now, colons are two of a kind. A horse caterpillar a llama The comma deserves some applause A poet whose last name was Bash, Exclamations, we may well surmise, "Exclamation marks!" exclaimed Sonny, The hyphen is something you park Parentheses (brackets to most), More common, the simple full stop A mother was really quite pissed; Prepositions are quite useful, but Where ignorance or doubt is implied, When people have spoken, beseech If your virgule's oblizue and slapdash, Punctuation hides switchbacks and bends, Punctuation is how readers know Amos Cross never was at a loss; My first is in cream but not fat.
Say "I am" for "I is" is non-U.
It is life's shortest sentence
And risks no repentance
Like this one, the longest, "I do."
--- Anon
Are the people who disregard tenses
And with syntax are lax;
Doing so they attack
Sensibilities as well as senses.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105
Why don't you "come up" with a few
Such linguistical sayings,
Our true mind betrayings,
And see what your own tongues will do.
--- Anon
Yet more than one mother's not "methren."
This irregular form
Is so far from the norm,
It's a plural unlike any "ethren."
--- Anon
Position's important, you know.
There's no way of telling
What she is yelling...
"No don't stop no don't stop oh!"
--- Karen
You the words of that tune, "No, John, No,"
Where double negation
Gave them copulation.
All words can be twisted, you know.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Is a nonsensical first line, alas.
'Cause bonnie and wee
Are Scottish, you see,
And to link with the Irish is crass!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Of punning with sexual notions.
For instance, there's money
Which is always made funny
With sexually explicit motions.
--- Anon
Learned English while riding a tram,
And practiced "to be's"
Asking "Who's Siamese?"
"He isn't, you aren't, and I am."
--- Tom Foolery
The American folk say to me:
If you'd not stuck copulation
To the native population,
You'd be speaking now in Cherokee.
--- Tony Burrell
Wailed, "Lemme play cowboys and T John!"
But his mother from Beaulieu,
Herself quite unruly,
Slapped him and said, "Stop your wt john!"
--- Jarmo
Simply forms of "to be", which we mar.
If the I, you, he (and
Plural we, you, they) stand
Wrongly matched when we is below par.
--- Mike Scholtes
You'll take care to not split infinitives.
For up with this we'll
Not put. You're a heel,
If you don't heed the rules most definitive.
--- Tiddy Ogg
'Cause the hero has perfect diction.
Even during the tumble,
Most guys just mumble;
He espouses his love with conviction!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who went out to dine at 8:08;
But I will not relate
What that person named Tate
And his tete-a-tete ate at 8:08.
--- Carolyn Wells
To those that are shown above here.
Just lower case words,
Not for Kurds and curds,
A proper name cannot appear.
--- Larry Davis P8712
I'm afraid they are being quite DENSE.
To their muse they do call,
Banging heads on the wall,
Till their cranium's covered with DENTS.
--- Observer
Or anew from a nous or a gnu,
Or a rite from a wright,
Or a bite from a bight,
Or a dew from adieu or ado.
--- Lims Unlimited
"Four tickets I'll take; have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04!
For four for 4:04 is too many."
--- Joseph Tyler
Most people would use TWO and TOO.
Unless they were where
A TUTU they wear,
Or else being stabbed, cry "Et TU!"
--- Irving Superior P9112
(Guess homophony's not in his "zoney".)
He's a troll, not a gnome,
(Can't respond with a "pome.")
It is plain he's a big "homo phony".
--- Ward Hardman
At this sycophant substitute talker,
I'm with envy possessed,
So perhaps you'll suggest
How a bloke can obtain his own stalker?
--- Hugh Clary
I search for a lady to knead,
But often I find
She is not of like mind--
And for all my trouble, get kneed!
--- Norm Storer P9110
Danced in a most ladylike manner.
To her friend, Anna Bell,
She explained herself: "Well,
I canna can-can, canna, Anna?
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Said, "Pilot! It's time that we flew!"
He replied, "That will do!
Your watch is askew.
It's a minute or two to 2:02"
--- Anon
Beheaded, the very same sound;
If my first then is switched
With the letter just ditched,
The identical sound still is found.
--- Anon
Who went for a ride on a cough,
The brute pitched her off,
When she started to coif,
She ne'er rides on such animals nough.
--- Archie
Great embarrassment, thinking that THEY'RE
Just like stars in a drama,
That involving mild trauma,
A sharp audience sees nothing THERE.
--- Observer
Who wanted to catch the 2:02.
Said the porter, "Don't worry
Or hurry or scurry;
It's a minute or two to 2:02."
--- Anon
"And, alack, concentration I lack."
His physician said, "Sir,
When did this first occur?"
"My weak back?" said Jack, "a week back."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9406
In writing "write", always wrote "rite"
Where he meant to write right.
If he'd written "write" right
Wright would not have wrought rot writing "rite".
--- Anon
"Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say."
And the teacher replied,
As the error she eyed:
"Right! Wright, write 'rite' right, right away!"
--- Anon
I enquired if his accent was real.
He said: "Out of the house
I'm incredibly Scouse, (dialect spoken in Liverpool)
But at home it depends how I feel."
--- Kevin Hale Q
This is file krl
Why some actors and news folk can't see,
How it grates on the ear,
Each time we're forced to hear
Mounted troops being called, "CAL-vary".
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105
And to cure them is quite an addiction.
I've had them all day,
And they won't go away.
They are really affecting my diction.
--- Anon
And the reisure of riding a baiku;
From the Spring to the Forru,
They are rapt in baseborru --
That's unress they go out on a straiku.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Let us hope though it's merely a phase.
In extraneous speech
When I hear it, I screech;
Things are 'like,' nothing's certain these days.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0101
Who massaged his larynx with butter.
He oiled his false teeth,
And to his relief,
He found he could talk and not futter.
--- Kevin Hale Q
(Far less though than to have such a war)
Is that torturing trounce
Each time they mispronounce
And change nuclear to "nu-Q-lar".
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105
What is it; I can't seem to bring
It into my head.
As the old saying said:
It's there on the tip of my ting.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Which Yanks like to flush down latrines.
Across the Atlantic
We find it pedantic.
Summed up: it's a wee hill of beans.
--- Randog
Just who is sinner or saint.
Small difference aside,
No need to be snide;
I know the Queen's English, this ain't.
--- HMMWV
Are pronounced properly, as "short-lived:"
It's hard to forgive
Those who say it "sort-lived,"
Give them lashes, say, three, four or five.
--- Dr Limerick
Was asking for Nessie's address;
But he couldn't make clear
What he wanted to hear
Because of his sibilant S.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
With this verbal disability;
I doubt if I can
Be a good weatherman,
Stammering pre-pre-precipitation pro-pro-probility.
--- Richard Rhodes
Who said, "I've no r's in my voice,
But I dance wock and woll,
Wear a wabbit-skin stole,
And dwive in a swanky Wolls-Woyce.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
If a misunderstood old regressive.
It fills in the breach
For omissions in speech,
And if used well, highlights the possessive.
--- Doug Harris
Thus causing momentous catostrophe.
Embarrassed and shamed
I deserve to be flamed
For illiterate use of ' .
--- Anon
Whose sentences always were swollen.
So a teacher, quite wise,
Cut them down in their size,
When she taught our friend Nolan the colon.
--- Bob Birch
You can place 'em before or behind.
The semi breaks gluts
While the other's got guts;
They can rest or explain, you will find.
--- Doug Harris
A mystery comedy drama.
My spelling's OK,
But what can I say;
I'm lost when it comes to the comma.
--- Bob Birch
For making good sense of the clause,
And, just at the death,
When we run out of breath,
It gives extra life to the cause.
--- Doug Harris
Sold his verse for a large sum of cash.
But a critic named Peter,
Disliked Bash's metre
And his excessive use of the dash.
--- Bob Birch
Marks the shock that is seen in our eyes.
Yet another full stop
(With a flagpole on top);
It's a period that ends in surprise!
--- Doug Harris
"Because they don't cost any money;
Are oft over-used...
Quite simply abused,
And they still don't make that line funny!"
--- Q
In modern-like words for a lark.
It keeps up our peckers
Ignoring "spell-checkers"
And, by linking things up, makes its mark.
--- Doug Harris
Hug close your explanatory post.
They come curvy or square
And hang about there,
One fore and the other hindmost.
--- Doug Harris
Gets itself in a terrible strop;
And refuses to laugh,
If a long paragraph,
Any author refuses to crop.
--- Doug Harris
Punctuation was high on her list.
Her daughter's not punctual
(But sexually functional)
And now there's a period missed.
--- Bob Birch
Rules of grammar dictate they're not what
Are used to end a sentence;
Since such use is an offense;
Something up with which we should not put.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
Keep one of these close by your side.
The questioning mark
Helps you out of the dark,
When enlightenment's trying to hide.
--- Doug Harris
That there isn't an etiquette breach.
The inverted (I quote)
Double commas of note,
Must be used as a mark of our speech.
--- Doug Harris
Or your stroke's a bit short of panache,
Get hip with the text,
The diagonal next
Could be backward \ or forward / ... go slash!
--- Doug Harris
Causing meanings, not those one intends.
To avoid this, I'd say
I go out of my way
To(,) unlike quite a few of my friends.
--- Doug Harris PO6O9
When to stop, when to pause, when to go;
It gives them direction,
Provides some inflection,
And helps make the sentences flow.
--- Cap'n Bean
His wife Tina would let him be boss,
Since he treated her right
In the bedroom each night:
He's the 1 Down who 18 Across.
--- Jerry Nordal P0208
My second in chapeau and hat.
Three starts an alert,
The last is in shirt,
And my whole is the French word for cat.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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