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I once owned a pig that could fly; The best part is right in the middle; Hey, fiddle me, diddle me, soon. An astronaut, one afternoon, "The sky's falling!" squawks out the old hen; Though Scotland Yard is still resolved, Poor Cock Robin lies dead in the snow, I wouldn't trade Comstock his lode, Young Froggie went courting one day He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie. The new Georgy of Pudding and Pie The Gingerbread Man led the chase; A gingerbread man name of Sonny, The actions of one Goosey Gander Grasshopper chewed slowly and spit Said Hansel to lovely young Gretel, Said Hansel to lovely young Gretel, Our research in folklore discovers Said Hansel, "I want some sex, too, A handsome young fellow named Hansel There was an Old Man of Blantyre, A savant who lived on Vesuvius, Old King Cole was a bugger for the hole, King Cole said, "I'm just a nice bloke, It been said that Old King Cole As a king, he is fiendishly droll, The elder King Cole is so merry, Knock knock at the door. "Hello who By tradition, when guarding their sheep, Horatio met Little Boy Blue: Mother Hubbard said, "Poor doggy, see When poor Mother Hubbard was gone, There was an old mother named Hubbard There was an old spinster from Hubbard Mother Hubbard was comely and fair, Once a mouse took a thorn from the paw Whether porridge is hot or is cold, Pete be nimble, Pete be quick, Peter Piper thought it was just fine The magistrate counseled old Peter Peter, Peter, titty grabber, Peter, Peter, Petal-eater, With no help for a rhyme from my Funk 'n, The Queen baked a tray of jam tarts. Rip van Winkle arose from his sleep Then Ichobod Crane rode right by; A baby sleeping high in the trees, Oh, rub-a-dub-dub, here's a doozy: Rumplestiltskin's an odd little man, A fairy tale (less Grimm more grim). Simple Simon was off to the fair, Said the prince, "Beauty, wake from your sleep. The princess slept for many long years; When the witch, the fair princess would nick There once was a farmer named Jives, Have you heard of the tale of three mice? Said the wolf to three pigs, "You are dead. Whilst high above, up in the roof, Kids are often exhausting - Oh, brother! Said the turtle to his rival, the hare, By the shoreline the hare sat awake Said the Hare to the Tortoise, "Dear chap, The God of Luck I ought to shoot. There was a young shepherd of Thrace I've a question for Little Bo Peep, Oh give me that soft woolly sheep,
He's been away since the Fourth of July,
Though a resident New Yorker
Said seeing a porker
Hit a moon-jumping cow in the sky.
--- H Myers
Whatever you do, what you did'll
Seem worse, fore and aft --
Which is why the dog laughed,
Only after the cat and the fiddle!
--- Prof M-G TP9806
The cat humped the cow on the moon.
The little dog laughed
As it played with its shaft,
And the dish began forking the spoon.
--- Peter Wilkins
Signalled: "I'm coming down soon.
I've had such a fright
From a very strange sight;
A cow jumping over the moon."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Things are falling in Chick' Little's pen;
They're just blue ceiling tiles,
Coming loose in the aisles;
The low bidder has scored once again!
--- Anon
WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN -- still unsolved.
In Scotland Yard they talk
About his name COCK,
Suspecting envy was involved
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And "Who did it?", the wren wants to know.
"No, not I!" cried the sparrow,
"Not with my bow and arrow,
'Cause I loaned them to Charlie the crow!"
--- William N Nesbit P0209
Or Horace his outstanding ode,
For that speech about cream
And sewing a seam,
That got little Curlylocks snowed.
--- Lims Unlimited
With a white water plantain bouquet.
He said, "Marry me, do."
She replied, "Marry you?
That's pondweed, you cheapskate! No way!"
--- Graham Lester
They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
So he put Spanish Fly
In their pudding and pie
And had the first tin-tot orgy.
--- David Miller
Was arrested for making girls cry.
For his serial kissing,
Much school he'll be missing.
All the boys are now wanting to try.
--- Leslie Boker
Even horses a poor second place;
Till a fox that he met
Got him bothered and wet.
He got in her but thus lost the race.
--- John Miller 0114
Said, handing a baker his money,
"Please give me a wife
Made of spice and all nice,
And make sure I get a real honey!"
--- Diane Christian
Have caused him to suffer great slander;
He grabbed by the balls,
A priest of St. Paul's,
And squeezed with quite unreserved candor.
--- Armand Singer
His tobacco, which flew out and hit
The Toad, who offended --
His person defended
By tongue-lashing Grasshopper a bit.
--- John Tomlinson
"There's a problem that we've got to settle:
If we're goin to die,
I fail to see why
We can't pass the time in begetal."
--- Norm Storer P9605
"There's a problem that we've got to settle;
The question is which
Of us two should the witch
Cook first in her big metal kettle."
--- Norm Storer P9605
Hansel and Gretel were lovers.
Hansel did all his lovin'
In Gretel's hot oven,
Located under the covers.
--- Pretty Grimm
But no one will follow my queue.
I've gotten so sick
That I can't dip my dick,
That I've christened it Little Boy Blue."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0504
Was raping this beautiful damsel
Without one regret till
She cried, "My name's Gretel,"
By then it was too late to cancel.
--- Irving Superior P8701
Who played all day long on a lyre.
All the dogs and the cats
And the mice and the rats
Sat 'round and sang songs as a choir.
--- Harold C Bibby
Said it stood on a plum-pudding pluvious.
when they asked him to prove it,
He said "I can't move it,
And so it is impossiproovious".
--- Harold C Bibby
And a bugger for the hole was he.
He called for his wife,
And stuck her with a knife,
And out jumped a K-I-D.
--- L0933
Who'd really enjoy a nice smoke,
But there seems no escape --
Those fiddlers will scape
And they're all out of tune. It's no joke!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was a very merry old soul.
He'd call for his pipe
Each and every night,
Then he'd light up a monster-sized bowl.
--- Gearhart
The monarch call Merry Old Cole.
His favorite wish
Is to mate with a fish,
So at dinner we never choose sole.
--- Ogni Gioia
His subjects don't care he's a fairy,
Oft exploding his spend
In the court jester's end,
Enjoying a glass of fine sherry.
--- Armand Singer
Is there?" "It's Little Boy Blue."
"Little Boy Blue who?"
"I'll tell you just who.
Little boy blew Mike Jackson, that's who."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Shepherds sing, play the panpipes, or sleep.
But Little Boy Blue
Preferred a good screw
In the haystack with Little Bo Peep!
--- CeeJay
Said, "Little Boy, what do you do?"
"It's best, Little said,
"To show you instead..."
Oooo, Boy...I'm a Hornblower, too!"
--- Travis Brasell
The cupboard's as bare as can be."
Sneered the dog, "What a shame,
You silly old dame!
It's because I've a duplicate key."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
She left Father Hubbard alone;
Each night in his car,
He'd drive to a bar
And pick up a dog for his bone.
--- Travis Brasell
Who sat in a corner and blubbered;
For when she got there,
The corner was bare,
And she wanted a big corner cupboard.
--- Limber Limericks
This is file kom
Who sat in a corner and blubbered,
For the corner was bare
And she thought it was where
She had hidden a man in the cupboard.
--- Limber Limericks
But was terribly hairy down there.
To see through the thatch,
Her beau lit a match;
Now, not only her cupboard is bare.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208
Of a lion by psychical law.
Go straight to Manilla
If you have one scintilla
Of doubt that sticks in your craw.
--- Paul Niquette
The ninth day, it's bound to be old.
And whether it's pease
Or whatever you please,
It's got to be covered with mold.
--- Lims Unlimited
Then she sucked on Petey's dick.
Did her duty;
Drank his spooty,
Then Pete licked her cooty slick.
--- Gearhart
To find peppers pickled in brine.
He said, "It would tickle
Me now if some chick'll
Come pickle my pecker in wine."
--- Norm Storer P9605
(That lowdown debased pumpkin eater),
"It's no sacrifice
Renouncing your vice --
Try eating young pussy, it's sweeter."
--- Armand E Singer 990
44's, he had to have her.
Petal's B-cups
Were not enough
44's he'd rather lather.
--- Gearhart
Also likes to suck on teater.
Likes her better
Dressed in leather,
Then with whips and chains he'll beat her.
--- Gearhart
I must tell this about P P Duncan:
Both P's stand for Peter.
So what could be sweeter,
That having a sweetheart named Punkin.
--- Pierce Evans
They were stolen by the Knave of Hearts.
On the way to his school,
He saw them getting cool;
He left not the smallest of parts.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
To find that some people called CREEP
Had decided to crawl
'Neath a privacy wall
And thus, they began their deceit.
--- mdt1
He'd been a Jefferson guy.
Instead of some lead,
He just carried his head.
"You've a right to be armed" was his cry.
--- mdt1
Is rocked by a cool evening breeze.
When the wind grows much stronger,
The cradle stays no longer;
The babe's now very good at trapeze!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Three buck-naked guys, one Jacuzzi;
Since one is a Jap,
One kike has the clap,
You can't claim they're overly choosy.
--- Armand Singer
Borrows footwear from young Peter Pan.
He found lots of fame
From guessing his name,
But it's painted all over his van!
--- Jayne
A princess fair both tall and slim
And bosom high
A dwarf doth spy,
Then climbs a stilt to rumple skin.
--- Irving Superior P8701
To sell products at profits whilst there.
He did not make a sale;
He drank plenty of ale,
Staggering home feeling full of despair.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
I've managed my prime to keep.
But for two days or more,
I've fought at your door
Through milk-bottles fifty rows deep.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
A cup of tea brought her to, shedding tears.
As she drank it she stirred;
A slight whisper was heard,
Why use tea? I prefer ales or beers.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
With a scratch from a thorn off the thick,
The nice witch was deep,
Turning death into sleep,
Which was broke when she felt one more prick.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8701a
Who grew tired of his seven old wives.
He gave each as her pittance
Some cats and some kittens,
And herded them out of St. Ives.
--- John Ciardi
It's a tale to be told, though not nice.
A wife with a knife
Nearly cost them their life;
They would not take their parent's advice.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Of your house, I will leave not a shred."
It was rumored in town
That he blew the house down,
But he blew the three piggies instead.
--- Al Chaplin P8701
A video camera gives proof,
Of couplings lascivious,
Which he thinks are so frivolous,
Which will compromise Officer Wolf.
--- Anon
It's always one thing or another.
They'll use any excuse
When they want Mother Goose,
Leaving Dad too worn out to goose Mother.
--- Jerry Nordal P0208
"You're faster but why should I care.
I'll be first at the goal
Where I'll pray for your soul."
Hares always get caught in a snare!
--- Dirruk
For the race was a grevious mistake.
To the tortoise, the hare
Said he was not aware
That the last mile was crossing the lake.
--- Al Chaplin P8701
I can catch you with ease, so I'll nap."
'Round a bend, Tortoise crept
While the Hare overslept,
And then lost, 'cause he can't read a map!
--- Prof M-G
You saw I was in hot pursuit.
And at the finish line
Was just three feet behind;
That tortoise had a rabbits foot!
--- Irving Superior P8701
Who boasted a steely embrace.
Like Little Bo Peep
He'd grab him a sheep
And fuck it smack dab in the face.
--- Armand E Singer 85
Just how did you lose all those sheep?
The pretty white lambs
With their dams, and their rams? --
"Just counting them put me to sleep."
--- Laurence Perrine P8701
Which says "Baa-aaa" as I thrust myself deep.
For it never complains
And has double the brains
Of that snivelling, whining Bo-Peep.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
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