There was an old bag called Witkowski, The wife of young Peter Witkowski There was an old bag named Witkowski, A foreigner said, "I have heard A Southerner, reading the Bahble, A strapping young fellow named Hugh Entertaining some friends that were rowdies, Smoking good stuff that sells by the ounce, The question is: Why do we say A student of sayings named Rex Here's a go-ahead chance; grandstand rumnbles; Sexy Dawn, the acclaimed queen of porn, When you're angry, and lost sight of your goal, Frustrations make men curse and hollar, Some English words make me suspicious; The "N" word's as bad as the "C's" To the florist's, I went on my bike: "These flowers are sweet; bring back memories. I replied as I left for the cinema: One evening, not far from Juneau, Disappearing while I was away; When "head over heels" doesn't fit, The unanswered question of ages After many futile discourses Well "be" is acceptable, see? For twits who mix up it's and its. A thief in his run from the cops There was a young man from Prestatyn, When the flag factory failed to hire, The people who live in glass houses Who cares if they're odd or tongue-twistery? When a G.I. malaise makes one droopy, Escaping by rooftop, McCall
This is file knl
There was a young girlie called Jane There was a young lady of Zenda, Concerning young "Callie The Mystic", A chappie who came from Traverse A chappie who came from Pike's Peak A chappie from old Billingsgate Now there once was a writer named Whitty, There's a neophyte Wall Street investor, Cold-cuts can cause clogged conditions, Ants assemble at arms and advance Besting bull-butchers, Blossom believes, One frore gelid night on the staithe, (all good English words - McW)
There is an old man of La Jolla, In Bristol, as many will tell, This woman who hailed from St. Croix, There once was a ewe and a yew, The poor foreigners haven't a clue The user of one simple "u" Overheard at a nice coffee shop, There once was a fellow named Pugh Some people criticise my spelling, A dizzy young lady named Patti Aim aid din Abe you teepee raid A maid in a beauty parade A certified poet with a cough, I knew that her birthday was nearing. In Wales, "ff's" are "dd's". When in Wales I will do what you say... Dear Mr. Webster, perkolate! My teachers, through life, always taught The linguists pronounce the word "draught" Whenever we say the word, 'shoes,' An exiled Iraqi went back A word-shy young man from High Wycombe
Whose husband was nowt but a mouski.
She filled her pajamas
With camels and llamas,
And even the odd brace of grouski.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was sadly a total bowwowski;
But, lucky for Pete,
She could lather his meat,
When hitched to the front of the plowski.
--- Hugh Clary
Who hobnobbed around with the toffski.
She was so athletic
And men so pathetic,
That usually she broke it offski.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Your language is really absurd.
The spelling is weird,
Much worse than I feared,
For word rhymes with bird, nerd or turd."
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Said, "These names sure are tough. Ah'm just lahble
To throw up. The sound
Goes around and around.
And Ah EMphasize the wrong sylLAble.
--- Liam na Baeg
A yew tree was starting to hew.
A lass passing by,
To capture his eye,
Cried out, "You who yew hew, yoo-hoo."
--- Irving Superior P9112a
They were greeted by Betty with howdies.
When her baking went flat,
She was stoic, 'cause that
Is the way that the apple pan dowdies.
--- Hugh Clary
Better watch it; the narks just might pounce.
In that case, cop a plea;
You might say, "Hell, why me?"
That's the way that the ball's gonna bounce!
--- Allen Wolverton
"The cat's got your tongue", s'il vois plait?
You're bashful, it's clear
But Bo@aSH, we hear,
Is Hebrew for polecat today.
Collected these gems about sex:
Dry lips but moist twat,
Red head - hot to trot,
And no chicks can flick like a Mex.
--- Armand Singer
First and goal, then the home team just fumbles!
There, the whole football game
Just got blown; what a shame!
That's the way that the old cookie crumbles!
--- Allen Wolverton
Did a scene with a love, on park lawn.
Though it started in the dark,
Guys hung around the park;
They wanted to see the crack of Dawn.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Seeing problems, not an absolute whole,
Don't hold it in,
As it's not a sin.
See, cursing is good for the soul!
--- Kirk van Koeverden
They make us hot under the collar;
If we say words shady,
In front of some lady,
We should always give them a dollar.
--- Anon
They seem to me odd and capricious.
I pondered for long
About ding (hyphen) dong;
Why the last part girls find so delicious.
--- Anon
And I know that some others don't please;
But be careful 'cause
Down south here in Oz,
We eat "Coon"...my favorite cheese.
--- Q
"Anemones Erm sure would like."
"Well, why not palm fronds;
I sell lots to blondes,"
Said he. I replied "Take a hike!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
One bloom is far better than ten of these."
The florist insists:
"Put these in your fist.
With fronds like these, who needs anemones."
--- Tiddy Ogg
"Take this pot-plant, "Dryoperis minima"
And insert its stolon!
It'll clear out your colon.
With ferns like these, who needs an enema.
--- Martin Rand
A crone inched her way through the snow.
As we stood by in awe,
She enacted, we swore,
Her tribe's mantra - go with the floe.
--- Esther Koch P0900
Returning, you've now made my day.
It's good you are back.
Perhaps we'll attack
Those Websters and have some wordplay.
--- Anon
Some people say "arse over tit".
But I hope that my spiel,
Is a bit more genteel,
I'll say "base over apex"...that's it!
--- Bob Hogg P0606
Confounded both scholars and sages.
Though thousands have tried
The answer's denied
Not found in most erudite pages.
--- L E Ott P0205
And searching of learned resources,
The question, dear Jenny:
Why are there so many
More horses' asses than horses?
--- L E Ott P0205
In West England, they often use "be".
A favourite phrase
For hot summer days,
Is "Well I be buggered", you see?
--- Anon
Here's how to hit on which one fits:
It has and it is
Needs apostrophes,
But in its (possessive) none sits.
--- Jarmo
Lost his hair in the wind...so it drops;
The cops found his toupee;
Caught the thief the same day.
Thief's in jail...that's the way the mop flops.
--- Travis Brasell
Who fancied he ought to learn Latin.
He said, "I shall speak
Of my hatred of leek,
But the Welsh don't have words to put that in."
--- Richard Long
The young man made some threats that were dire.
"I'll hang your warehouse contents
On your old cyclone fence;
I don't want to set the world on fire."
--- Tom Patton P0900
Should watch what they do with their spouses.
Don't smoke outlawed grasses,
Throw stones or break glasses,
And for God's sake, don't take off your trousers.
--- Graham Lester
Archaisms add to the mystery
Of English, say I.
Thou wouldst banish them? Fie!
And gadzooks. Hast thou no sense of history?
--- Anon
Passing gas can release something soupy.
Know, this nasty surprise
Even catches the wise.
That's the way that the pillow will whoopie!
--- Allen Wolverton
Swore arrogant vengeance on all.
But lions, ornamental,
Caught his foot in their dentals,
And Pride, as is known, precedes Fall.
--- Heather McCabe
From a little-known village in Spain,
Who enjoyed it with force
From her favorite horse,
Which she kept on a rein on the plain.
--- Peter Wilkins
Whose speech was so pure and so tender,
That she said to her beau:
'Down to Richmond we'll go
Where we'll dine at the "Star and Suspender".
--- Explosion Of Lims P0101
Here's an interesting vital statistic.
While she's quite wan and pale
And remarkably frail,
Callie's super but yet fragilistic.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0102
Tried teaching a Mick to converse.
But oh! What a curse!,
It worked in reverse,
Now he goes around babbling Erse.
--- Arthur Deex P0212
Tried to teach a wee mousie to speak.
But oh what a curse,
It worked in reverse,
Now he goes around going 'Squeek.'
--- Arthur Deex P0212
Tried to teach a young nun to debate.
But oh what a curse,
It worked in reverse,
Now he's silent and quite celibate.
--- Arthur Deex P0212
Dearly needing his prose to sound witty,
Or near pornographic,
At least epitaphic,
But the best he came up with: "Tough Titty."
--- Armand Singer
Bought a stock on a tip from some jester.
It was once blue chip,
Now blue flies buzz and drip.
That the way that the yogurt will fester.
--- Allen Wolverton
Cholesterol-concerned citizens.
Could cancer culminate
Causing certain complaint?
Consult circumbiant clinicians.
--- Anon
Against apes all absconding askance.
After aardvarks arrive
Antsy apes, all alive,
Assert, Arrogant antsholes are ants!
--- David A Brooks
Best begins before blade breath bereaves.
Because butcheries ban
Breathed beef, Bloss began
Buying bulls before bulls became beeves.
--- David A Brooks
Came two with a reave caught a-rathe;
To the void picaroon
They crowed, "Now, picayune,
Your day shall begin with a bathe!"
--- Anon
With a habit that's sure to anolla.
Before tellin a joke,
He'll give you a poke,
And remark, "This will really destrolla."
--- Anon
They speak not the way that they spell.
Words ending with A
Or with O, they will say
As though there's a following L.
--- Anon
Gave birth to wee tiny boy
Weighing less than five grams,
Four scruples, three drams,
They named the small guy, "Avoirdupois!"
--- Laurence Craft
Causing queries for you in a queue.
"Which one is for eats,
And which one for seats,
And why is the spelling askew?"
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8402
To the spelling of words like a "gnu",
Or the sounding a "word"
To be rhymed off with "heard".
Can you think of a crazier brew?
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8402
Must be spell-bound by such a wild zoo.
If he can be all right
With the letters for "write",
He ought to be put in Who's Who.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8402
A blond as she played with her sop.
"Now isn't it swell;
Banana I spell
And even know when I should stop."
--- Anon
On spelling; he hadn't a clue.
When asked, was he fit?
He replied with great wit,
"Well those classes, I've been to a phew!"
--- Doug Harris P0503
But they're the ones that need telling:
'Tis they who mis-spell,
I'm from the UK, can't you tell?
Not everyone's from the same dwelling!
--- Anon
When asked how to spell Cincinnati
Said, "First you sin twice,
Then it's natty, that's nice!"
How could anyone be quite so scatty?
--- Dick Hedger
Haddock cost tomb inn witchy Dis played
Al ursine aweigh
Two inn, "Hippy ray!"
Diddle Ottoman scree, "Mitts sew Kay!"
--- John Coultard P0606
Had a costume in which she displayed
Allures in a way
To win, "Hip Hooray!"
Did a lot o' men scream, "It's okay!"
--- John Coultard P0606
Whose methods of rhyming were tough,
Remarked, 'I declare!
The same letters are there
And if that's not enough I'll sough.'
--- Arthur Deex P0206
I made lots of dough, racketeering.
While I never could spell,
She was grateful as hell,
When I gave her a fine DOMINEERING.
--- Al Willis
To taper odd a whore's fees,
Insert your studd
Head first in her mudd,
And diffle her till she agrees.
--- Ericka A
I go in head first anyway!
'Bout "diffie" not sure...
Involves a detour?
Will she likely cry, "Ouch!" and "Foul Play!"?
--- Tutta Gioia
And just one more -- inkorporate!
(The odds that he'll make
This change for my sake,
I will not even speckulate.)
--- Irving Superior P8801
That logic should always be sought.
But then I just laughed
When I spelled the word "draught."
I think I shall soon be distraught.
--- Al Willis P9512
The same as they say the word "draft."
And then they say "comb,"
And rhyme it with "home."
You'll forgive me, those guys are quite daft.
--- Al Willis
It sounds a bit like the word 'lose.'
But the word 'hose'
Is different, God nose.
This language will drive me to booze.
--- Al Willis
To his home with a ewe in his pack.
He said people all knew
Every Q needs a U
So he put the ewe back in Iraqu.
--- Ogden Nash P0306
Thought the language was made just to trick him.
Once, struggling with vowels,
He opened his bowels,
And cursing all linguists, cried "Fick 'em!
--- Jim Weaver Collection