A Welshman declared, "Now I reckon Clwydian men are all selfish God bless the young women of Wales, There's a place in Wales called the Mumbles, There was a young man from Welsh Wales, The Welsh live in towns so distress- In London's old Berkeley Square She said, "I can't wait for a boff." Not Far from the Madd(en)ing Crowd From your site I went straight to the pub; It's true that the Hotel du Lac Now how would you know that, dear Ogg, So boring is Clacton-on-Sea, And 'fore you say, "Bet they've got fleas." To find a good roll in the hay This lim, Tiddy Ogg's, no defence But hey! Who needs brains when you're screwing, I once knew a poor cringing Limey, Then Julie, my Honey, come here; For everyone here I provide A swell town. It's charming and nice. 'Bout pictures of spice I thought twice; For those who say Essex is flat, It's here that the mayor had a berth, The house on the left has a list; This new bit of Colchester proves The "Tymperleys" mansion is posh; A picture on Trinity Street: The pub on the left is all right. What's left of the old castle keep; In the center of town is the park, This street of old houses serene, Another of Maidenburgh Street,
This is file khm
The hospital near where I be The Dutch built these houses, you know, The Stockwell Arms pub is a gas; The Colne makes a pretty nice view, Live here and you'll oft hear the thud Take sixteen year old Maisie Phipps, (How you tell an orgasm on Essex girl? She drops her chips)
And what about Bill's donkey, Mabel? So bang go my chances to bed Not all Essex girlies munch chips Indeed there are ladies so posh For though it well pleases us boys Here's another old tale from tradition, When with Emperor Napoleon at war, A policeman was very soon called; And before a great judge the nest day, The verdict was judged true and fair, Though sad, every word here is true, He was short like he stood in a trench? The sweet little girlies of Hants (Hampshire) The first rumor, I cannot scotch; That must be a sight to behold, The venerable city of Mold The fortunes of Toadstool went sour; For Grime before Mildew did fold; Midway between Penzance and Dover, So why am I so sheep-fixated, The Tatchbury girls, too, are good; Oh dear, what a sin of omission! There's lovely girls, tall short and burly, In Northam, West End and St Mary's, This whole sad electoral scene, You'd not have this crass altercation, At this point in time I admit, In Chester with Jessie I messed,
I'll move on tomorrow to Brecon.
And then on to Rye
And settle in Eye,
Because I can't spell Llanfairfecham."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
And stereotypically Welfish.
They'll spuzz in a crack
Then take it all back.
They don't even lick cunnifilfish.
--- Anon
Who have been jolly good to us males.
With amorous arts,
They tickle our parts,
And their hearts are as warm as their tails.
--- Michael Horgan
That is filled with groans and grumbles.
The locals complain
Of constant cold rain,
Which produces a coastline that crumbles.
--- Anon
Who contrary to old women's tales,
Was never a thief;
Never stole any beef,
But for fraud had been in many jails!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
ingly hard to pronounce, I confess.
There's a village quite silly
'Twixt Bwlch and Caerphilly
Called Ysbytty Tstwyth, no less.
--- Peter Wilkins
(Where the nightingales sing if they dare),
I remember a night
Of quite frenzied delight,
With my girl friend, Elizabeth-Claire.
--- Anon
As she ripped her silk panties right off;
And the pressure of steam
Got me itching to cream,
'Til I heard that damn nightingale cough.
--- Anon
I was born down in Dorset and proud
Of it. (Boasting I spurn;
So I won't say the Cerne
Abbas Giant's the lesser endowed.)
--- Anon
Got real drunk then I soaked in a tub.
The size was amazing;
Could not keep from gazing
At the Giant on the hill's massive club!
--- Anon
Is awash with ripe crumpet; but back
Here in Essex you say,
That it's never that way,
And that nothing goes on in the sack.
--- Anon
Is Southampton surrounded by fog?
There are many young girls
Here with cute little curls
Who'll charge nothing to straighten your log.
--- Anon
That they're grateful to do it for free;
They're so desperate to screw
They will even pay you,
And they'll rip off their panties with glee.
--- Anon
Or some other disgusting disease;
Let me tell you, my friend,
Unlike girls in Southend,
They're just horny and eager to please.
--- Anon
With not even one centime to pay,
Just try turning your back
On the Hotel du Lac;
Come to Clacton-on-Sea for a day.
--- Anon
Of the girlies this side of the fence;
In fact most of the Sharons
And Traceys and Karens
Are really quite stupid and dense.
--- Anon
Or chewing or otherwise doing.
Just try it today,
For there's nothing to pay,
And no sailors or tourists are queuing.
--- Anon
With his teeth all yellow and slimy;
Tongue covered in thrush
For lack of a brush.
Kiss one? Not me! Cor Blimey!
--- Tiddy Ogg
I wash almost twice every year.
So come suck my donga,
To make it still longa,
And then perhaps I'll buy you a beer.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A Colchester limerick guide.
The verses are clean
And the photos serene;
But I'll leave it to you to decide.
--- Peter Wilkins
You've hinted of some long past vice,
But still kept it clean,
Describing each scene,
So where are the pictures with spice?
--- Marlene Lewis
The nurses are 'specially nice.
But maybe a hunk
With an elephant's trunk
In his pants, is more your sort of spice.
--- Peter Wilkins
These pics will dissuade you of that.
This here is North Hill;
There are steeper ones still.
And at the top of them all I have sat.
--- Peter Wilkins
Especially designed for his girth;
He wobbles around
When he's booted and gowned,
Causing residents rollicking mirth.
--- Peter Wilkins
Its beams have a frightening twist.
But up it still stays,
Like a gentleman sways,
While pretending he's not at all pissed.
--- Peter Wilkins
It's "with it" and modern and grooves.
(The girl on the right
Isn't half a bad sight.
Bet she bounces around as she moves.)
--- Peter Wilkins
The owners are toff who say "gosh!"
Or "golly" and stuff,
And they've more than enough
Of the readies, the lucre, the dosh.
--- Peter Wilkins
The church which is tiny and neat,
Was built by a Saxon,
Young beowulf Jackson,
Who wedded his flaxen-haired sweet.
--- Peter Wilkins
The landlady, though, is a fright;
She looks awful grim,
'Til the daylight get dim,
And looks really lovely at night.
--- Peter Wilkins
The rest of it fell in a heap.
'Twas built by the French
Who can dig a good trench,
But can only build walls on the cheap.
--- Peter Wilkins
Where residents go for a lark;
It's often quite fun
In the summer-time sun,
And a hot-bed of sin after dark.
--- Peter Wilkins
All prettily painted and clean,
Was once where the goings
And to-ings and fro-ings
Were nothing much short of obscene.
--- Peter Wilkins
Where maidens exceedingly sweet
Were given to riot;
But now it's a quiet
Respectable bourgeois retreat.
--- Peter Wilkins
Is there in the distance, you see.
You'll know from my verses
That pretty young nurses
Are somewhat attactive to me.
--- Peter Wilkins
Some forty-odd decades ago.
They knew is was better,
For Holland is wetter
And here was less likely to snow.
--- Peter Wilkins
The barmaids have plently of class.
Just ask for a jar
Of real ale at the bar;
They will pour you a heavenly glass.
--- Peter Wilkins
Dividing the town into two.
To the right of the thicket
Of willows, the cricket,
Club once beat a team from Peru.
--- Peter Wilkins
Of water when river's in flood.
The residents fret
About getting so wet,
But the mud is quite good for the blood.
--- Peter Wilkins
An expert at grinding her hips
On boys with a horn;
I must now them warn,
To buy her not one bag of chips.
--- Tiddy Ogg
No more will he feel that he's able
To quench his lust's need
For a carrot or Swede,
On warm summer nights in her stable.
--- Anon
Young Deb for a sweetie, he said?
That seems a bit mean
For she's only fifteen
And adores licking lollipops red.
--- Anon
While expertly grinding their hips;
There's many who favour
The spicier flavour
Of nachos and savoury dips.
--- Anon
Their favorite on-the-job nosh
Is toffee .. to muffle
The raucous kerfuffle
They make when excited, by gosh.
--- Anon
To hear what a lady enjoys,
An Essex girl's bawling
And screeching's appalling
And far from erotica noise.
--- Anon
I leave it to you -- fact or fiction?
Concerning some fools
Living in Hartlepool,
Reproduced here without their permission.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Did a British ship off the coat moor,
And a monkey, a pet
Of the captain's, was swept,
From his percch, and did then swim ashore.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He looked at the ape, quite appalled.
And loudly did cry,
"He must be a spy!"
And to jail then the poor beast was hauled.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Not a word that made sense did he say.
"'Tis obious me lud,
The fellow's a dud,
He's parleying bloody Francais!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
This foreigner covered with hair,
Was guilty as sin.
So they grabbed hold of him,
And hanged him there in the town square.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Told to me as I've told it to you,
By my great-uncle's brother,
Whose niece knew the mother
Of the ship's captain's third cousin, Hugh.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And covered with hair? A foul stench?
And makes a weird noise
When his voice he employs?
No wonder they thought he was French.
--- MrMalo
Wear nowt down below when they dance.
The girlies of Hunts (Huntingdonshire)
Though, with oversize cunts,
Wear fucking enormous great pants.
--- Peter Wilkins
I've been to the dance halls to watch
Reflections, real good
From the floor's polished wood,
Of acres of feminine crotch.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So sweaty, so hairy, so bold,
And so much to the pound
That the rumors abound
That the valleys contain liquid gold.
--- Cubby
Has a history that needs to be told.
Old King Toadstool of Sot
Slew Lord Fungus of Rot
Before dying of dampness and cold.
--- Anon
Soon he also fell, to Lord Scour.
And Scour, the slime,
To the baron von Grime
Whose quick fate, like his face, was most dour.
--- Anon
Mildew's holdings to Muck soon were sold.
Then Muck lost in his war
With King Silt of South Spore,
And in time, from dank Spore sprang up Mold.
--- Anon
And 30-odd miles south of Lover,
In the county of Hants,
Where gals drop their pants,
And urge you to get your leg over...
--- Anon
If all of the girls are as stated?
Just hobble their feet,
They won't scream, just bleat,
And sue not when thus violated.
--- Anon
That's where an old nut-house once stood.
I think it's pulled down,
Or I'd sure be found
Within its walls, pulling my pud.
--- Anon
Your pardon I'll beg, with contrition.
I claim to have scored
In most every ward.
I'll tell you now with your permission.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In Warsash and Swayling and Shirley.
But those in Freemantle
Prefer a fat candle,
To place in their hair, short and curly.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Most all of them long lost their cherries,
And will fuck you for pennies.
But up at St Denys,
You'll find all the blokes are all fairies.
--- Tiddy Ogg
On which just the lawyers are keen,
Suggests that you Yanks,
With most grateful thanks,
Could come back, be ruled by our queen.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With permanent head of the nation.
Come back and be British...
You may though be skittish,
Of 223 years back taxation.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I wouldn't mind being a Brit.
It would be kinda neat,
But to drive down the street
On the wrong side, would give me a fit.
--- Anon
In Leister 'twas Hester I pressed.
Young Trudy from Chesterfield
Was truly the best I feeled,
But Tessa's the best of the rest.
--- Tiddy Ogg