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Godammit, I've screwed up my quota! A limerick that isn't obscene With poems, I just want to win; A young man whose first named was Dick To get down to the real nitty gritty, My limericks are all rated 'X'. There's a lady I know in Moline Our lims about sex don't get far; When reading these limericks, you'll see, Though limericks will suit either gender, It needn't have ribaldry's taint, I make this disclaimer, post haste. Dirty limericks are truly traditional, If you're seeking your X-rated dose, At one time a limerick was pure, This sick and perverted old Jew A limerick need not be pure; No wonder a sign has decreed A Limerick, sketched in the rough, Limericks are a test of the brain, So we hope for your edification "Ward Hardman fucks pigs in the ass," So junior, we ask, if you please, Ward Hardman fucks pigs in the butt; Since "pithy verse" is what I do The limerick meter you've hit; The prudes loudly voice condemnation The limerick form I eschew, My verse sounds like I'm drunk on hard liquor; When I hear an answering machine Limerick writing's a very crude art. Many verses offensively rude, My limericks it seems are inferior; Sphincter a-twitch with delight, A limerick of classic proportion If you can't guess the name of the game, There once was a poet named Rick, Gross and with impropiety Some people think they're quite witty, These poems have come out of my forehead. A large part of this type of verse You guys with the poems of dead whores There once was a poet one day, A poet "naughty" is down on its luck; I'm always intrigued by the wit For your limericks you never will score -- Vagina snot jism ass clit, The limericks we all love today, The limerick's form is demanding; The limerick is easy to chart, If things could return once again A limerick can sing with its words; I'll make this real simple and plain. Dirty old man Lionel Muire, In my heart are these harsh words engraved: My limericks, I have been told, After reading the limericks by Taylor, If I can't write a limerick with "fuck" Some of the group's limericks, I fear, A pure poetess name of Gert, The first of all people was Adam, And attempted a suit...
And attempted a suit... There was an old person of Dover It gobbled up bolsters and wash-jobs and chairs. There was an old man with a gun, He made it quite clear
Of smut there is not one iota
Contained in this missive.
Not being dismissive,
But it's dirt mouth that jump-starts my motah.
--- Anon
Has no right to be written or seen
No need to say "fuck"
Or a word such as "suck."
But endeavor to keep them unclean.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I sure would have had a large grin.
A dirty limerick
Would sure do the trick,
And this one's as dirty as sin.
--- Howard Tayler
Tried hard to write one limerick.
He wrote line after line
And he thought they were fine,
But the things that he wrote made me sick.
--- Bill Taylor P9808
When we started composing this ditty,
The dirt and the grime
That's emerged for sometime
Has created much muck in this city.
--- Gerry Busch
They're chock full of 'hards' and 'erects',
And 'humming' and hock',
And my sweet Peacock,
And sex, sex, sex, and more sex.
--- Ericka
Who writes limericks and they are clean.
It wasn't her aim
To continue this game,
And new ones are somewhat obscene.
--- Gerry Busch
We've exhausted both pasture and bar;
Our prurient range
Of topics won't change,
As long as females stay as they are!
--- Anon
I've written with great liberty.
They're all about sex
In a literal context,
And not good for mixed company.
--- Anon
Yet some are devised with such splendor
That they're far too stentorian
For young ladies Victorian,
Since they're not meant for ears that are tender.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0009
Or strive to make everyone faint.
There's a type that's demure,
And perfectly pure,
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.
--- Don Marquis P9506
These limericks are not in good taste.
Before reading please sign
Below on the line,
To certify you're not too straight-laced.
--- M David Tilson
With crudeness and insults additional.
But I have to agree,
They don't have to be:
Their depravity's not unconditional.
--- John Miller
Rest assured that this ditty is GROSS.
With filth, sex, and gore
Till there's no room for more.
I won't write one again that comes close!
--- John Miller 0144
Quite innocent...harmless...demure.
It was playful and light,
But it dropped out of sight,
And resurfaced chuck full of manure.
--- Bob Birch
Tried expressing myself in Hai Ku,
But could not pass the test.
I find limericks best
For content obscene and taboo.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0410
It may stink like a load of manure.
Nor need it be bawdy,
Off-color, or gaudy,
Though that does help, to be sure.
--- Laurence Perrine P9411
No limericks here of that breed.
I'm feeling quite ill
After reading my fill.
You've all put me off of my feed.
--- Gerry Busch
Should undergo testing that's tough;
Does it scan like it ought,
Are the rhymes finely wrought --
And is it offensive enough?
--- Norm Storer P9804
To get lines to rhyme yet again.
But a poem on farts,
Hardly ranks amongst arts,
Or is it just me that's insane?
--- Anon
These Limerix bestir a sensation
The prudish call lust,
If not, they're a bust,
And pardon us for their creation.
--- Grand Prix Lim 990
Starts a limerick that maybe will pass.
But line one's so bland,
the lim won't be grand,
'Less the rest of the verse is more crass.
--- John Miller
The hour and moment to seize
And give us some more,
As lines two through four,
Full of all of the dreck you can squeeze.
--- John Miller
If he can't find a pig then a mutt.
If it proffers its rear,
Though most folks will just sneer,
"Old Ward's a degenerate slut!"
--- John Miller
And though sometimes they scan askew,
If you're contented with
My forte -- basic pith,
I'll keep on raining pith on you.
--- Irving Superior P8701
And I see this one funny bit.
Your rhymes, though they're swell,
Give off a rank smell.
You're preoccupied with some shit.
--- That Guy
Of all forms of sex education,
But surreptitiously read
Limerick of THIS breed,
And rejoice in their edification.
--- Grand Prix Lim 5
Except for a subject that's blue,
When rollicking verse
Instead of a curse
Enhances one's prurient view.
--- W H von Dreele P8904
I'm afraid I got sick and then sicker.
My work's rarely clean
But if it's too obscene,
Don't print it and I'll never bicker.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0212
I get dirty and mean.
I must indict
Indite and recite
Limericks totally obscene.
--- Jim Jambor P9105
You're allowed to say teat, bum, and fart.
And if really silly,
Can even say willy;
Rhyme and scan's the cumpulsory part.
--- R Frederick
Lascivious, ribald and lewd,
Are found in this book.
But please, have a look;
They're OK if you're in the right mood.
--- Dag Schjelderup P9103
Some think they come from my posterior.
I don't mind the abuse;
It's not an excuse,
But I must have a rotten interior.
--- Tony Burrell
This is file jym
Tool-drooling at verse with some bite,
I shot-wadded a pair.
'Twas that breath of foul air
From your fecally lim, set me right!
--- Anon
Should have meter and rhyme and a portion
Of humor quite lewd,
And a frightfully crude
Impossible sexual contortion.
--- Anon
Entendres Galore is its name.
The lucky one finds
What we do with our minds,
Would put Jocelyn Elders to shame.
--- Anon
Whose limericks were nowhere near slick.
His lacking in meter
Was matched by his peter,
And as funny as shitting a brick.
--- Anon
And never a slight hint of piety,
Is the way we all write
And some day we might
Be called the Smug Smut Society.
--- Chris Papa
Making up a humorous ditty.
But what some people write
Should not show in daylight,
As they sound really quite shitty.
--- Anon
The subjects are all fairly torrid --
Except for a few
That will make you say, "Pugh!"
And those are the ones that are horrid.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
About practices lewd and perverse
Is quite scatological,
Gynaecological
Bullshit. And some is much worse.
--- Michael Horgan
We can still use the festering sores.
We may not use green meat,
Nor of Dave may we speak,
So give them disgust to their cores.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who on limericks was oft known to say,
"Unless they are blue,
They cannot be true."
To which other poets say "Nay!"
--- Joe Long
All its poets have chosen to duck.
So I'll write, out of pity,
This sweet little ditty.
Which is too clean to be here! Oh, fuck.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Displayed in the lims that are writ;
Take Jane, for example:
She loves when we sample
The taste of her tits and her slit.
--- Anon
They are rotten right down to the core.
They're abusive and crude,
Offensive and rude --
I love them, keep telling me more.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0014
Transvestite cock anus balls tit.
Turd urine fart fuck,
Piss rectum dick suck,
Erection twat nipple cunt shit!
--- Steve
Evolved a circuitous way,
From pure and quite clean
To gross and obscene,
And that's how it seems they will stay.
--- Bob Birch
To write one that's really outstanding,
You must stick to the beat,
Be sure rhymes don't repeat--
And use four-letter words in the anding.
--- Norm Storer P9505
It's more of a craft than an art.
The trick's to be cautious
And not use those nauseous
Words: shit, cock, piss, fuck and fart.
--- G2247
To how they were way back when,
I could write a nice poem
About hearth and home,
Before limerickosis sets in.
--- Terry Braaten
Sweet song that can rival the birds.
But subjects profound
Very seldom are found.
A more usual topic is turds.
--- Fred Cohen P8505a
From your advice, I shall abstain.
Words like fuck, suck and licks,
Guys with huge throbbing pricks,
Are lims I find that most entertain.
--- Anon
Wrote a limerick both vile and impure.
And you'd think it most wrong
If your morals were strong,
But you won't 'cause your mind's like a sewer.
--- Donald McGill
"Although it is clear that you've slaved,
No way can you sit
For the Nobel in Lit,
With verses so vile and depraved."
--- Norm Storer
Are filthy as well as quite bold.
I'll clean them today,
And every washday,
Until I get rid of the mold.
--- Arden
My complexion grew quite a bit paler.
For I and the rest,
Well, we write at our best,
When we swear like an old drunken sailor.
--- Bob Birch P9912
in it, Damn -- all my verses will suck.
I'll go play in the street
And tell all that I meet,
That I hope I get hit by a truck.
--- Anon
Seems from the SATYR's pen, dear.
They're lecherous and bawdy;
Some downright naughty!
The 'boys' seem to write with a leer!
--- Maggie
With the limerick form she did flirt.
But beware of the yanks
And their terrible pranks,
Or they'll have you right down in the dirt.
--- Anon
And out of his ribs appeared Eve;
Her primary task was to pad 'em,
The pain of her birth to relieve.
She fed him with fruit
--- Moira Blyth
But God said: "How crude!
Though you cease to be nude,
Never hope, my unfortunate madam,
Your apronless state to retrieve.
--- Moira Blyth
Who called on his sister in Deal,
With a sack hanging over his shoulder
In which was a whopping big eel.
It leapt down the area, scuttled upstairs,
--- Walter De La Mare
Her boots, shoes, and slippers, in single and pairs;
And alas! when this Ogre
Had finished its meal,
There was no one in Dover with a sister in Deal.
--- Walter De La Mare
Who espied an old lady named Pheasant;
She sat on a seat in the sun,
And he stared and he stared -- most unpleasant:
But at last drawing near,
--- Walter De La Mare
That he had no intention so rude to appear,
But was merely confused,
Being out with his gun,
At espying a lady named Pheasant.
--- Walter De La Mare
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