A hot seminarian took a whore
And prone on her, lunged for the score.
Ordinarily I'd rate her with my loftier nature,
But sexual frustration make me flirt with damnation.
Now I'll hump you and thump you and abandonly pump you;
Churn your guts till you weep, "Please no more!"
You've done what some here do abhore: If there be any author of verse A certain young man from East Glover The limerick's lively to write; The following content's unclean; Many friends to my help gladly came; I've taken a two month vacation Soon it's National Poetry Months A horrible month was May! Time moved on to December. So here, the month is now June, Alas, and now comes September. Is there a nice lim of the month Can the first of the month be the oneth, You mean: On the first of October, I won't do the first of the Junes; There was an old man of St. Bees, A pretty girl touring Versailles, "It's probably the hard water."
The limerick is lean, tough and mean, The man from Nantucket would blush, A poet with myrtle The ' sits all aglow There was a lovely young miss, There was an old harlot named Hearst A handsome young monk in the wood, There was an old whore of Azores The Duchess, when pouring out tea, There was an old abbot of Khief, Lord Randall, on top of his tart, A young man with passions quite gingery, There was a young Queen of Baroda There once was a maiden from Sydney,
This is file jxm
There once was a man from Pawtucket, Said the mythical King of Algiers A well-endowed Scot named McAmiter There was a young man from St Paul, There was a young fellow named Cass, There once was a plumber from Leigh, A sickly old preacher named Hyde, There was a young man from Peru, Said a greedy old piggie, "Although So there you are out on a bough-- There once was a man from Dunoon, There's a limerick brimm1ng with wit, There was an old man of Tobago Said a great English writer, "Oh, Shaw! ------- ------- is colored, they say. (a do-it-yourself insulting limerick - McW)
Enough of this x-rated stuff, I bet you won't last one whole day, Good Sir, I look to the sky, Now before you begin this damnation, True, what is learned is without illustrations, We prove that we can, given time, But to warn you, just let me say To stand out, a limerick needs clarity, It engenders annoyance collective Whilst vying to out-smut each other, Do you think that mama doesn't know Can you do me a lim not sexual? There once was a girl named Ramone, Sex can be like a limerick; But the meter's a bugger to master Composing this verse reprehensible Now maybe your pencil is stressed. Despite what's been said about clean Clean lims are boring, no fun!
--- Bruce
Not depicting lewd acts with a whore,
But breaking the norm
Of the limerick form.
So watch out, or they'll show you the door.
--- Tiddy Ogg
(Whether excellent, weakish, or worse)
Who resents an omission
To obtain due permission,
From apology I'm not averse.
--- Harold C Bibby
Was a most ardent limerick lover.
When he came to this part,
He read back to the start,
From cover to cover to cover.
--- Dean Walley
Five lines to it -- all nice and tight.
Two long ones, two trick
Little short ones, then quick
As a flash, here's the last one in sight.
--- David McCord
Don't view if you're under eighteen,
Or if you're a prude.
I write in the nude,
So they do not quite bear to be seen.
--- Phil T
They sought neither favor nor fame:
If, despite all this aid,
Mistakes have been made,
The author alone is to blame.
--- Harold C Bibby
From posting lims as a vocation.
But I've found that the lack
Made me sad, so I'm back;
I've been lurking and taking notation.
--- Anon
But, in spite of my groaning and grunts,
To pen a wee ditty,
Alack, what a pity:
They all make me look like a dunce.
--- Anon
My wife then found out she is gay.
She broke up our hitch;
Ran off with some bitch;
Now I just jack-off all day.
--- Jon Skelton
Now all I do is remember
The sex that we had,
Sometimes real bad;
Then it wasn't me, just my member.
--- Jon Skelton
And I have turned into a loon.
My dick in my hand
Is so very grand,
That I now prefer it to poon.
--- Jon Skelton
No longer, I play with my member.
It's not very stout;
I wore the thing out!
No pleasure for now will it render.
--- Jon Skelton
So that it will rhyme with the month.
Perhaps I am thick
With the brain of a brick,
And keep to a fairly dumb bunth.
--- Jim Mandel
'Cause then I can rhymbe with the month.
But I just don't know,
That I know I'm slow.
In class I was put with the dunth.
--- Jim Mandel
While fucking my sister Sue's Dober-
Mann, it sunk its teeth
In the tender spot 'neath
My prick, and it near made me sober.
--- Tiddy Ogg
It's been sung in a great many tunes.
And most of that shite
Is so very trite,
It deserves my very best moons.
--- Archie
Who was stung on the arm by wasp.
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
He replied, "No, it doesn't.
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."
--- William S Gilbert
Remarked, "It's too bad; I could cry.
I've been here ten days,
And not gone to the Louvre."
"Never mind," someone said,
--- Anon
But it functions like any machine.
Give it fuel, give it air,
And just to be fair,
Take vacations in good old Racine.
--- Neal Wilgus P8505
And tell his companion to hush.
If he could just see,
What's on pay TV,
He'd turn off the set in a rush.
--- Larry Davis P8507
And intellect fertile
Can write
Overnight
A limerick curtal.
--- Laurence Perrine P8505
As high as a [ can go.
Looking down at the trash
Like the - and the --
And it sneers at the , below.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8508
Who went down to the river to read.
A young man in a punt,
Stuck an oar in her eye,
And now she has to wear glasses.
--- Anon
Who tied a black wreath on her womb.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Oh my dearest, you thrill me,
But a llama is Numero Uno."
--- Al Chaplin P8603
Who wished he had never been born,
When asked to account
For his low bestial sport,
Halfway up the lieutenant's intestine.
--- Al Chaplin P8605
Who tried the fandango on skates.
Said the Vicar, "Good gracious,
I hear someone coming."
Said the grocer, "I'll skin back and see."
--- Albin Chaplin P8601
Was raped in the garden by seven.
But, alas, halfway over
Her mother said: "Nelly --
De minimis not curat lex."
--- Arthur Deex P8510
Discovered a fossil colossal.
At a masquerade ball
He deflowered young owls
And voted for Governor Wallace
--- Arthur Deex P8512
One Easter eve supped on papaya.
But the mettlesome bitch
She whipped out her glass eye,
And his parents were quite overjoyed.
--- Arthur Deex P8606
Who drank till he ruined his kidney.
He said, "Bugger the Crown,
But please put the light out
When there's no one about in the quad."
--- Arthur Deex P8607
Who was nicer by far that her sister:
Her breast in white satins
Hung down to his knees.
She never had washed it in years.
--- Arthur Deex P8608
Who boarded a bus in a trance;
The dogs at her feet
Suggested coition,
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
--- Ed Potts P8602a
Who wrote poems that never would scan.
When his balls banged together,
As I feared from the start,
It's the people in front get the jar.
--- Fred Cohen P8511
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
Just look at me, Joe
All ass and no forehead,
Of such is the kingdom of heaven.
--- Martin Wellborn P8509
Took a lesbian up to his room.
Then he clanged them together,
Which rendered him nutless,
So he finished her off in mid-air.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8507a
Who went to a birth control ball;
He said, "I admit
The partition split,
Front page, sporting section, and all."
--- Tom Rudy P8609
By all of the lads in his class
Nor would he have been
As he wiped off his chin;
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
--- Tom Rudy P8609
Who came home as drunk as could be;
A woman is fine,
At half-past nine,
Enjoyed in the highest degree.
--- Tom Rudy P8609
Who ate some green apples and died;
In case you were blind,
Please go in from behind,
She now does her work on the side.
--- Tom Rudy P8609
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew,
"His wife in despair
Of his his lady's affair,
Nine thousand, five hundred, and two."
--- Tom Rudy P8609P
The sows leave when they've eaten enough,
I still squat in the slough
With my snout in the trough,
I will never admit I am through."
--- Anon
Your wife just told you that you're through;
Partner stole the dough,
You've a two-year cough--
So as you jump you cry, "Enough!"
--- Irving Superior P9007
Who always ate soup with a fork.
He said, "When I eat
Either fish, fowl, or flesh,
I otherwise finish too quick.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Which does not contain the word "shit."
Its B rhymes are perfect
Likewise the meter
Needless to say, this ain't it.
--- Michael Weinstein P9106
Whose Limerick jokes did too far go;
Till a kick on the seat
Made him much more discreet.
He wonders now, "When will the scar go?"
--- Langford Reed (Bibby)
My testes are small as the Dickens."
Said his surgeon, "Great Scott!
Here's a fine pair-o'-Keats';
I'll transplant them and make your Balsworthy."
--- Anon
------- ------- is a terrible lay.
------- ------- is a kike,
------- ------- is a dyke,
And President ------- is gay.
--- G2494
This talk of the pole and the muff.
I'm keeping it clean,
Attempting to wean
Myself off, and this ain't no bluff.
--- Anon
Before x-rated stuff you will say.
It just ain't in the cards
For us poets and bards,
To not write about romps in the hay.
--- Anon
To the Light and the Truth upon high.
My spirit needs more;
To it sex is a bore;
The pathway to Heaven is nigh.
--- Anon
Let me offer this small consolation,
You really shouldn't mind,
For where else could you find,
Such a fine and free sex education.
--- Anon
And somee are sure wild fabrications,
But when studies are done,
At Alt. Jokes Lims. 101,
You'll be thankful for past participation.
--- Anon
Write prose thoughts in rhythm and rhyme.
But a limerick needs more
If it really will score,
Humor or beauty sublime.
--- Fred Cohen P8505
Many limericks are often risque.
If they are not to your taste
You need no more time waste,
Grant me pardon, and be on your way.
--- Warrick Elrod
And maybe some sleaze and vulgarity.
Five liner acclaim
For dude rhymer or dame,
Can be won by adding hilarity.
--- Esther Koch P0201
And translates it into an invective
To which one may give vent
Since we tend to resent
Dealing with hearing which is selective.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0201
You've gone and disturbed our dear mother.
She came for a read,
And left at full speed.
Could you include "hard-core" on the cover?
--- Kim and Sam
What's what? Well, it's only for show.
Mama thinks that you two
Are both too young to
Know that she knows what you know!
--- Marlene Lewis
One that is more intellectual.
Just straight rhyme and meter;
Once again, I repeat 'er.
Your brain muscles all you should flexual.
--- Arden
Who bathed with a granite soapstone.
Not too good with dirt,
But it sure didn't hurt,
When she washed where the sun never shone.
--- MrMalo
It's best when it's tight and it's slick.
When the end arises,
It's often surprises;
That makes the climax come quick.
--- Anon
Especially when nature says "faster".
In OUT in out IN
Ain't the rhythm of sin,
But a recipe made for disaster.
--- Anon
And probably incomprehensible,
Caused anxious distress
With my girl, I confess,
For it used all the lead in my pencible.
--- Anon
Or maybe you're big in the breast.
Whatever the reason,
Regardless of season,
You must take a wonderous lead test.
--- Anon
Limericks, I just prefer the obscene;
For I can't get enough
Of the loving and stuff
And everything else in between.
--- Peter Wilkins
They look like the work of a nun.
Even if they have meter,
Believe me friend Peter,
Nothing beats a good dirty pun.
--- Nikita