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There are two kinds of limerick verse; My limericks are getting more crude; The limerick, a bastard art, Of the limericks, we hear lots of ballyhoo; In limericks, I'm not a trafficker, Well if writing a limerick were easy, The limerick form is so easy, It's not like the ballad or ode, I've limericks both simple and gaudy, A limerick sesquipedalian, "When biting a boil on her ass, We frankly hail the obscene, Some people find them quite rude, I'd rather play Old Maid or Whist The Limerick packs laughs anatomical Critics scoff at we poets whose verse (To result in coarse laughter, per verse.)
The limerick, for all of its faults, There once was a man and his son The limerick contest was fun, There are times, I admit, I have seen Most limericks are so damn forgettable There once was a limerick so bad Said the judge, "It is always bad form I suppose some limericks are clean, It's not that I don't like your thought, Your lim caused my palms to sweat clammily, In poetry, "Deeds not just Words," A cross-posting moron named Kain (Kain - lims are evil, works of Devil, make slaves in Hell)
I'm sorry to say, Mister Kain, How I love all my limerick blasphemy! You're a fool, and exude such antipathy, A limerick lacking a theme I'm bored to extinction with Harrison, On limericks, the sexual part is the heart, Most limericks discretely called laundered, The limerick form may not be When limericks encounter analysis, Your limerick, I am refuting; You have no logic at all, Won't buy anything, I'm too cheap. If you're selling something, then take Ring-ring-ring! It's the phone - my behind Ring-ring-ring! That's that phone by my side. Ring-ring-ring! A short look on the dis- Damn the infernal machine We're sorry we are not home, If you like using words, use the phone. "Hello, I can't answer the phone, "Hello, Uncle Travis, it's me; "Well, Hi Katie; my day you've made! Hello, you've reached Ericka's phone. There once was a fellow called Tone, Don't think I can't curse like a teen, If you call me, it is a sure bet, But Missus just won't stop phone-sexin', We're not here to answer the phone; We are probably out for a spin These answer machines aren't cheap, The phone woke me up from my slumber. I think that I may be misusing My wife says I must be misusing, Your verses I have been perusing; This sure is an interesting place; An Aussie, my luck must be in. 'Cause mice are the joy of my life. As a young boy, I was caught wanking. A limerick should brighten your day;
The dirty ones are called per-verse.
(The most dismaying ones
In either kin, are puns)
The cleaner ones are called purr-verse.
--- Irving Superior P8801
To some they may seem downright rude.
The cadence, it seems,
Is haunting my dreams!
Stop me before I get lewd!
--- Anon
And though it may come from the heart,
Is thought of as cheesy,
Sometimes even sleazy;
A kind of poetic fart.
--- MrMalo
Though it has no medicinal vallyhoo.
A limerick a day
Keeps the doctor away--
Or at least that's what poets will tallyhoo.
--- Norm Storer
For my nature is really seraphicker.
My stomach sits queasily;
I blush far too easily,
And I do not collect pornographicker.
--- W H Auden G2349
With the rhyme and some words slightly sleazy,
There'd be more posts, quick,
In alt.jokes.limerick,
But there ain't, so maybe they're cheesy.
--- J Gould
It's no trick at all to be breezy;
But the lines of its wit
Are oft flavored with shit,
Arousing the qualms of the queasy.
--- G2246
The messages limericks bode.
It's a rhyme that, instead,
If found usually read
While sitting upon the commode.
--- Michael Polo P8604
And some that are certainly naughty.
But despite sometimes earthiness,
All have genuine mirthiness,
And are fun to read on the potty.
--- Aaron W Edwards P9012
And whether or not Rabelaisian,
Just uses long words
Unfamiliar to nerds;
It's English, not Latin, you alien.
--- Ed Potts P8603
I nearly expired from the gas..."
If you want to hear sleaze,
I've got lines worse than these,
But a piece in good taste -- shit, I'll pass.
--- Al Chaplin P8604
While prudes plump for limericks clean,
Having loudly maligned
Our rich, meaty kind --
Well, let's settle somewhere in between.
--- G2245a
With themes both earthy and crude.
But they are soon smitten
Once one they have written,
And I'm sure you will also be wooed.
--- Tim
Than listen to some limerist.
Their rhymes may be clever,
But spare me forever
From some they can never resist.
--- Warrick Elrod
In a space that is not astronomical.
The clean ones we've heard
Are not worth a turd;
It's the "dirties" that stiffen your barnacle!
--- G2244
Only spans five short lines, ever terse.
For its theme is, in truth,
Both obscene and uncouth
And its smell is decidedly worse.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9106
(The listing of which would fill vaults)
Is not without virtue.
It is too short to hurt you,
And it can be sung to a waltz.
--- Norm Storer
Who thought writing limericks was fun.
They wrote half the night
And then died at the sight
Of the terrible things they had done.
--- Douglas Airmet
But after it's all said and done,
I am forced to admit,
The source of the wit
Is usually found in a pun!
--- John Dohner P8712
A limerick lily-white clean;
But to trigger a roar
Or a roll on the floor,
They are best when a wee bit obscene!
--- Ann Gasser P8808
That it seems quite a shame and regrettable
To waste so much time
On mere meter and rhyme
That won't fuck and don't pay and ain't edible.
--- Neal Wilgus P8312A
That we buried the thing -- it was sad.
Alas, its poor ghost
Is now able to boast
That its kind of verse is the fad.
--- Neal Wilgus P8505
To depart from the limerick norm,
And according to my sense
Of verse, you've no license
To do as you do. So reform!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8505
But I really don't know what you mean.
A limerick uncrude,
With no adjectives lewd,
In my view is not worth being seen!
--- Eccles T9712
But a limerick ought to be taut,
And your verse, though instructive,
Is counterproductive.
Let's take it right out to be shot.
--- Oolong
And my back got a hump that looked camelly;
In reading your burble,
I was confident, verbal
Diarrhea must run in your family.
--- Hugh Clary
(At least that's what I thought I heard).
If you cripple an adjective,
Nouns may not ever forgive.
So I must go hack up some verbs!
--- Anon
Would never come out of the rain.
His brain became wet,
And permanently set,
So thinking gives him a big pain.
--- Archie
I'll write lims again and again.
I do not blaspheme,
That's just your sad dream.
They're only for fun, in the main.
--- Jon Delaney
If Kain is correct, I face infamy.
The Grand High Inquisitor
Will be my next visitor.
Kain, kiss my satanical ass f' me.
--- Ward Hardman
All us fine "men of wit" feel no sympathy.
Your subzero IQ
Rates a flush in the loo,
And you piss in the snow as calligraphy.
--- Ward Hardman
Is like coffee with out any cream.
Its movement is jointless,
Its last line is pointless,
Like an long uninterrupted dream.
--- Laurence Perrine P8606
His limericks and puns are embarrassin'.
But I'm fond of the bum,
For dull as they come,
He makes me look bright by comparison.
--- Anon
This is file jtm
For without it (or mention of farts),
It's a nursery poem
Which is safe for the home,
Which we never would deign to call art.
--- Anon
Are ones where the washer has wandered
Far off from his tub
And neglected to scrub
The lines over which he has pondered.
--- Bennet Cerf Coll P9210
Quite the purest and best poetry,
But at least it's not full
(Like some stanzas), of bull,
And didactical pomposity.
--- Anna Pest P9005
They frequently suffer paralysis:
Made witless and void,
Their "wisdom" destroyed
By amateur psychoanalysis.
--- R J Winkler P8505
Of its worth, there is no disputing.
The spelling is bad;
The meter is sad.
I suggest that you stick to computing.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
And your limericks tend to appall.
A really bad verse
On the ears is a curse,
And far worse than no verse at all.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Besides I am probably asleep.
Name and number you say,
But don't take all day.
Leave your message after the beep.
--- Marty TP9807
A jump, concrete clad, in the lake;
But if you're a friend,
Hang on 'til the end
Of the beep, and I'll note what you spake.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Is just under the shower. I find
That the towel's out of reach;
Never mind, I'll just...Screach!
There I sit and the phone has gone si'ent.
--- Anon
In vast 'puter worlds ranging wide
But I bother to pick
Up that phone. It's a trick:
Into caller's deep silence I slide.
--- Anon
Play assures me that there is no risk:
Not the number I fear
Or somebody who's dear;
Public phones! Shit, the boss! (Whom I'd miss...*)
--- Anon
That answers in proxy unseen.
But you must speak to it;
You'll never get through it,
Unless I pick up in between.
--- Hideout
But there is no reason to moan.
We will call you back,
Before we hit the sack.
Leave a message right after the tone.
--- Eva
If there's no reply, await the tone.
Just learn the technique
How, when, and what to speak;
Carry on with your message, don't moan!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Because I am pumping my bone;
If you are a chick
In need of a dick,
Your number please leave at the tone."
--- Travis Brasell
Your niece, Katie, from Tennessee.
You already know
My number, and so
Please call me when your hands are free."
--- Carol
Remember the times when we played
'Let's Tickle Trav's Pickle,'
And you earned a nickel,
When you had advanced to fifth grade?"
--- Travis Brasell
But I'm off the hook. You're alone.
So say what you need.
I may not pay heed,
But let 'er rip after the tone.
--- Ericka
Who parked to talk on his cell phone.
But he wound up in jail
So learn from this tale,
Don't talk in a No Parking Zone.
--- Bob Birch P0301
'Cause I'm am an answering machine.
Thus far I'm so cool,
As I believe this rule:
Machines should be heard, not obscene.
--- Anon
That I am getting my winkie wet.
I can't pick up the phone
While she's down on my bone;
But soon she'll give me a headset.
--- Phil T
While leavin' her hubby a vexin'.
So Old Man Maloney:
Calls "Old Faithful" (pony)
And rides its' tight ass like a Texan.
--- Anon
Please wait until you hear the tone.
You should know the game,
Leave number and name;
We'll call you as soon as we're home.
--- Observer
Or a vodka or tonic and gin.
If you'd be so kind,
Leave your details behind,
And we'll call you as soon as we're in.
--- Friar TP9807
And though I am sure you're a creep,
Leave a note if you must
Knowing that I will just
Delete it right after the beep.
--- Cyber Wizard
"She's in bed with her favorite cucumber,"
I answered the caller,
Then I heard my wife holler,
"Who was that!?" So I told her: "Wrong number."
--- Jerry Nordal P0301
or possibly even abusing
my intellect [such
as it is - it ain't much]
but I do find these verses amusing.
--- Anon
And possibly, even, abusing
Myself-- in as much
As I touch my none-such --
But she finds my perversions amusing!
--- Anon
I find them extremely amusing.
You rhyme with such ease
Any subject you please.
Talent is everywhere oozing.
--- Curt
Not sure if I dare show my face.
Your limericks are clever,
Though mine won't be, ever.
I reckon you people are ace!
--- Aussie Owl
With ladies or men do you sin?
Or maybe a sheep?
Your little Bo Peep?
Just leave all my mice in the bin.
--- Archie
They're better than any old wife.
They don't even squawk
When used for a fuck,
And never cause me any strife.
--- Archie
My Granddaddy gave me a spanking.
These days I do
My little pet ewe,
And it's my Granddaddy I'm thanking.
--- Aussie Owl
Be witty, perceptive and gay.
A neat little verse
Will do nothing worse,
Than banish your bad blues away.
--- McCormick and Swafford
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