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No copyrights here! Plagiarize Your lims have brought me a smile; My son stood alone with head bowed. My answer, I'm sure you'll surmise, 'Midst the throng that is here 'twixt daybreaks, Tap oon yoour keeybooards, doon't poound 'eem! I had the sam problm last wk, This lim will attempt to affront There once was a girl with no care, There once was a girl with no c***, Once there was a girl with no c***, There once was a girl with no c***, There once was a girl with no t*** There once was a girl with no c*** There once was a girl with no c***; There once was a girl with no c***, There once was a girl with no c*** There once was a man with no c***, There once was a girl with no c***, She said, "It's just one of my skills; There once was a girl with no c***, Tomorrow in Carnegie Hall Next week I will sit in the breeze, Now I know that this limerick's awful, As it is there is seldom a post, Have you all gone demented or what? (And make sure the rhyme scheme's red hot!)
Dementia is not so mysterious; There once was a man who did xxxxx, Now this may sure take some lickin', But not as disgusting a sight But nothing's so nasty on Earth In the seventeen hundreds in Banff An impatient young fellow of Banffg A beggar who asked for some change I had noticed a paper inside, "I am posting this plea from the future "This year is two thousand and ten I was thunderstruck, reading the verses: The rest of the text was obliterated, The limerick's a passion of mine; Five lines with a bite at the end; The meter and scansion must flow. So this is the end of Part One. Thus endeth my limericks, Part Two. Part Three bring the most popular If ever you get to Tangier I said to a girl from Virginia, Said a much-traveled wench from Virginia, Addis Ababa, mid-Ethiopia: Afrikanerdom's such a strange word, I have never met up with a Bedouin When bedding a Bedouin, try Said a Bedouin, "Our lifestyle outdoor-ish Afrikaners are people who speak To bring food to the African hordes, The Casbah's a quarter for Moors; With a Moor, you can never be sure Complained an explorer named Deasey, Amenpenkhohetank reports Old Mustapha stays in his rooms, They discovered in Egypt, a mound I've just been informed by young Ali In Sudan, now starvation is plain, There once was a sucker named Cyrus, In Egypt a man lived in style Egyptian Princesses desirous There was a young man from the jungle
Any lines that you like. Exercise
Your right to free speach!
(Behave like a leech;
The Pope never told you to shade your eyes)
--- John Miller
Why don't we conspire and compile,
(If there were only time)
This satire in rhyme?
For humorists of our rank and file.
--- Anon
On his thesis he pondered aloud:
"It's quite good, it's true,
But what can I do,
To make it stand out from the crowd."
--- Tiddy Ogg
He greeted with some great surprise:
"Compose it young Jim,
In the form of a lim,
You'll be sure to achieve a great prize."
--- Tiddy Ogg
There are those here for cerebral sakes.
So four them (both of you)
How can this be true:
This limerick contains three mistakes?
--- John Miller
Yoour fingeers shoould skip lightly aroound 'eem.
Cause yoou just neeveer knoow
Wheere a vooweel might goo;
As for yoours, I think I just foound 'eem.
--- MrMalo
Whn I took out my cock for a lak.
I wantd to p,
But I just couldn't s,
So I poopd and thn liftd th sat.
--- Don Paul
Or, at least, to ellicit a grunt;
So far it's no fun.
Guess I should have begun --
There once was a girl with no c***.
--- Brian Belge
Who followed the hounds and the hare.
The men never minded,
For she, absent-minded,
Would oft forget clothes and come bare.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Whose boyfriend once gave her a book.
He said, "Girl you will learn
My needs not to spurn,
For otherwise, elsewhere I'll look."
--- Murphy
But unkempt hair now is the b***.
She ratted and teased;
No one was displeased,
But she still ended up in a tomb.
--- Cyber Wizard
To use when performing the st**
In a golfing event;
Though her money was spent,
She was forced from the match to depart.
--- Hugh Clary
Who always makes use of the b***.
To get what she wants,
She poses and flaunts
And does it with absolute poise.
--- Archie
Whose love life just wasn't worth s***.
"There's no point in rubbin',
Without that pink nubbin.
It makes me so mad I could spit!"
--- Scott
Who said all her men were a j***,
With nothing to sniff
And nothing that's stiff,
Ain't one who could give her a poke.
--- Marty
Who got her arm stuck in a f***.
Her beau took advantage,
And somehow did manage
To leave arm and buns black and blue.
--- Observer
Which left her with nothing to b***.
With naught in the oven
And no chance for no lovin',
She fill in the void with a rake.
--- Brian Belge
Tried fooling the girls with a st***
Of loot down his pants,
But found no romance;
All he got was a green itchy rash.
--- Carol
So off to the bank she did d***;
She was asked by the teller
A nosy young feller,
"Don't you find robbing banks a bit rash?"
--- Observer
I do it to get some cheap thrills.
And I need the money
For partying, honey,
And sometimes it covers the bills.
--- Observer
Who got her arm stuck in a f***,
Her beau took advantage,
And somehow did manage
To leave arm and buns black and blue!
--- Anon
I'll have me one helluva ball,
Reciting on stage,
Yes, page after page,
My limericks I've done for y'all!
--- Anon
Enjoying the shade of my trees,
And all of the cash
I made from that bash,
And what you've paid for my CDs.
--- Anon
Offensive, and even unlawful;
But if some of you hicks
Would just write limericks,
'Stead of bitching, I'd soon get my craw full.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To this newsgroup with even a ghost
Of a chance of assuaging
My yearning and craving
For the verse-form that I love the most.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
A limerick simply is not
Authentic unless
Every line, every stress,
Every word's in its predestined spot.
--- Travis Brasell
It's found in folks when too serious.
A limerick joke
Makes old fogies choke,
And sometimes will drive them delerious.
--- Travis Brasell
To a xxx who was naught but a xxxxx.
Three times in a xxx,
The xxx tried to xxx,
Till the xxx was still xxx in the xxxxx.
--- AA
But a fowl fucking fellow named Fricken
Poked hen on the table,
While young sister Mabel
Was pickin' that chicken with dick in.
--- Travis Brasell
As Father O'Reilly's delight
At licking the drips
Of old cheese from the lips
Of his grandmother's pussy last night.
--- Tiddy Ogg
As the mother with twins and some girth,
Who was double of joint
And showed off this fine point
By licking her kids, after birth.
--- Brian Belge
You wrote s with a f; so the manfe
Waf a houfe, where to piff
Waf regarded amiff,
But leff fo than wetting your pantf.
--- John Reeves, Toronto 93b
Would appear to have anff in hif panff --
But 'twaf really a purge
Of a fexual urge
Through a kind of Ft Vituff Danff.
--- Keith MacMillan 94a
This is file jrm
Was holding a bottle so strange ...
That I offered to trade
A quarter quite frayed
Before he could get out of range.
--- Anon
And after I secretly pried
It out of its cache,
I knew in a flash
With others I'd have to confide.)
--- Anon
In the hopes you'll be able to suture
The lesion in time
That stopped all the rhyme ... ",
Read the note I obtained from the moocher.
--- Anon
And it's now been a decade since when
The last lim'rick was written;
It seems they were smitten
By lack of a suitable yen..."
--- Anon
There were none getting pussy in hearses?
No bucolic philanderers?
No perverts or panderers?
No double-entendre reverses?
--- Anon
But I stayed for a while and deliberated
On the fate of the lim:
Its future seems dim,
Unless it is somehow invigorated!
--- Anon
One that is less than divine.
The swing and the lilt
With which they are built,
All point to the ultimate line.
--- Larry Davis P8505
For vocal transmission, my friend.
A pun or a jest,
Obscene ones are best,
With rhymes that you need not defend.
--- Larry Davis P8505
It's nice if they're words that you know.
But it doesn't hurt
To use gyve and yurt,
If it's not just done for the show.
--- Larry Davis P8505
My friends, I have only begun
To speak of light verse,
That will only get worse
With each part. You'll be glad when I'm done.
--- VOL 11
What next, you may ask, will I do?
Perhaps something bawdy,
Obscene or just naughty.
Who knows. If I don't, how can you?
--- VOL 11
Of limericks in print form so far.
I know that it's mean
That they are not clean,
But then, we're not coarse for the par.
--- VOL 11
You might have a problem, I hear:
Don't seem to be nosy
Or try to be cozy;
It's safer to peer and to leer.
--- Philo Logue P8407
"Virginia, I yearn to get in ya';
But if your vagina
You guard like rare China,
I can only respond 'Abyssina.'"
--- Lance Payne P8805
"Who cares about far Abyssinia?
And if even Selassie (Should an African Horner)
Should make you his lassie, (Back you into a corner)
It still would depend on what's in ya."
--- Conrad Aiken
Rastafarian smokers' utopia.
Such a highly salacious
Pursuit, goodness gracious!
What opened this dope cornucopia?
--- Anon
Yet it's folk are like us, so I've heard.
When they stress, in their land,
"My pen is in my hand,"
It means just what we think. How absurd!
--- Anon
Although I have frequently read o' one;
He will jab you with spears
And cut off your ears,
So it's wiser to stay well ahead o' one.
--- Lims Unlimited
To keep up with his wandering eye.
For this Arab's nomadic,
And sex is sporadic,
As with a perambulant guy.
--- Rory Ewins
May appear to you townies, quite poor-ish.
But girls, so it seems,
Harbour al fresco dreams,
Which makes loving with us rather Moor-ish."
--- Val Burns P0511Q
Arfikaans, full of words like fabriek.
They are also called Boers;
Britain fought them in wars,
Though in Africa, that's not unique.
--- Anon
Left to die by their fighting warlords,
Is a neighborly thing
But it never will bring
And end to the bullets and swords.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
A region more rocking than yours;
So for cultural clash,
Pack your cases and dash
To Morocco. Here, punk, some brochures.
--- Anon
An 'affaire de la coeur' will endure.
One day he will swear,
"I must leave, 'C'est la guerre'!"
And the next day, it's 'Toujours l'amore.'"
--- Laurence Perrine P8407
While watching the churning Zambesi,
"Going over the falls
Simply isn't what galls,
But whether it just might be easy."
--- Armand Singer
From one of the Nile's famed resorts,
"The weight of small crows
Broke of statue's nose:
Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz!"
--- Townmouse
Over which the great Pyramid looms,
Sketching caricatures
Which the art-word reviewers
Consider the greatest Khartoums.
--- Peter Wilkins
in the midst of a burial ground.
They were hoping like mad
To unearth Pharoah's dad,
But a mummy was all that they found.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
That Egypt is no place to dally.
That lap-dancing's banned
In the sun and the sand,
And that camels are not very pally.
--- Peter Wilkins
But this hunger is fed by no rain.
The cause of this plight
Is a power-mad fight
For the right to then rule the remains.
--- Knotweed
Who paid a fortune for the "Holy Grail" papyrus.
He employed an Egyptian
To translate the inscription:
"When the pyramids are finished, please wire us."
--- FCA T9712
In a house on a large lush green isle.
A bad pyramid scheme
Caused the end of his dream;
From then on he lived in denial.
--- Tom Patton P0007
Said: "Boys, if you want to admire us,
We'll send you in bags,
Pornographic-type mags,
Made of jism-proof sheets of papyrus."
--- Peter Wilkins
Who had a very talented toungle.
He thrilled fore and aft
With tongue and with shaft
Because he was very well hungle.
--- Marlene Lewis
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