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We antiscians have upturned it all; Have a kiwi or sheepburger snack, 'Bout New Zealand I don't know a lot, In Austrailia it's hotter than hell, And old pheasant plucker from Sydney, This codger from Perth said "Please rid me My age is now larger than girth I'll try not to bore or regale'ya A wealthy stockrider's a joke. A miner named Platypus Bill To Pooncarie, you'll come spend the night, Ned, a bullocky down from the Gwyder, I once met this girl from down under, When judges in courtly regalia There was a young laddie of Louth, While, of course, this is not on the level; You can tell the English and Dutch; Now, most Aussie Sheilas are flirts, An Australian strong-man once threw There was a young fellow in Perth Cried a silly old woman named Maeve, I'm an Aussie and prepared for your flack, A novice who hailed from Geelong We're Aussies and we would like to say There once was a young man from Perth, We play most football without pads; I'm sure that young Archie knows best, Aussie foreplay? An absolute waste! Old Arch, when he's spent a few guineas, There once was an Aussie named Jed, Still speaking of the Aussie named Jed, He'd slurp and he'd lick and he'd suck All that expensive dental went to Hell; An Australian farmer called Blue And Sheilas who wanted some fun They all form an orderly queue, In a more Australian vein, Now our Hue has didgereedied, Now this tale that I told about Hue, With aboriginal wonder, They sent many Irishmen there, The moral, no cerebral clog, When traveling the center of Aus, Can us gals greet them in the same way? So how do the Walibri girls greet The girls weight the lips of their twat; Can we greet them in the same way? Men aren't that loyal you see, An Emu, Koala, and 'Roo, It's here, men are men, so observers My contact with Koala or 'Roo Ned Kelly, a bushranger bold, Soldiers said: "Old Ned's in the can. To live in Australia is neat; Oh Archie, you're making me green While your winters there are inviting, You may think I live in the outback; You reside in the city, it's true. I remember that girl who gave itches; Her riches of twitches could scratch I would like to move to Australia, I am sure that he has a big ship, Your harbor'll be safe here down under, In Perth, my own city of birth, Beginnings in space reignited, My red haired Aussie mate, called Blue, Well, I'll tell a tale far, far worse.
Our Springtime corresponds to your Fall.
And our North to your South --
So my arse to your mouth
Fits as neat as a brick in a wall.
--- Don Laycock P9611
In the land that's two lumps and a crack.
It could easily pass
As an old woman's ass
On the globe, it's low down, at the back.
--- Anon
Although I'm quite sure that I ought.
Flightless birds called kiwis,
And surrounded by seas,
It's quite near Australia and hot.
--- Jayne
And the settlers only would dwell
On the coast or by streams,
'Cause inland it seems
With no drillers, there's also no well.
--- Anon
Found new plucking grounds from Perth, didn' 'e?
He's now plucking quail,
Gets plenty of tail,
As his dick usually tickles their kidneys.
--- Anon
Of worn out old pheasants. Now bid me
farewell from the West
I've put on my vest,
And now I am living in Sydney!"
--- Anon
And that is a matter of mirth.
I still get my share
Of lady-loves fair,
On the beaches of warm sunny Perth.
--- Anon
With tales of the others bad failure.
I live in the West
Of the country that's best:
On top of the world in Australia.
--- Archie
It's just Buckley's chance that the bloke
Will have more than a zak. (small coin)
He's a lubra outback (abo woman)
But owns nought but his swag and his moke. (bindle & horse)
--- A N Wilkins P8611
Had a cabin outside of Magill.
In the town it was told
He was two hundred years old,
And they say that he lives out there still.
--- Woddy Dykott
And fix my Wagga-Wagga. Too right!
Have we got a date?
Canberra the wait
For a Great bit of Australian Bight.
--- Anon
Hired a harlot, and soon got astride her.
When a lad joined them too,
Ned said, "This is Blue--
He's learning to be me offsider."
--- Robust Ribald Rude P9703
Who asked for some money to fund her
Trip to see Sidney --
But goodbye she bid me,
When I asked if he would refund her.
--- H Myers TP9804
Have judged a man's life as a falia,
The convict could see
What his sentence would be
With a period down in Australia.
--- Laurence Perrine P8611
Who returned from a trip to the south.
His father asked did he
See anything of Sidney.
But the answer was, "No, he was outh."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
In such foolishness, though we can revel.
From Tasmania she came
And while not a grand dame,
She was one cute Tasmanian Devil.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0107
You can tell the Germans and such;
You can tell the Spanish.
But reason will vanish;
You can tell the Ozzies, NOT MUCH.
--- Anon
But you won't catch my hand up their skirts;
I am not alone
In preferring homegrown;
I'll chase chicks on Canadian dirt.
--- James
His boomerang, hard as he knew.
But alas and alack,
It never came back,
On its own, but was posted from Crewe.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Who dug a deep hole in the earth,
And out of the hole
Came a twenty-pound mole
Who said, "I'm a Texan by birth!"
--- Lims Unlimited
Digging holes in the floor of a cave.
"Australia's my aim,
Though the work is a shame,
But expenses and fares I will save."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Knowing how you Yanks love to attack.
You have the effrontery
To deny that our country,
Came from "riding upon the sheeps' back!"
--- Archie
Proceeded to get it quite wrong.
It wasn't the Hash
That got him so smashed,
But the water he drank from the Bong.
--- Anon
That we don't care if you're far away.
We'll still have the smile
At your country's strange style,
While we sit and drink the days away.
--- Newsworthy
Who always slept in an upper berth.
When asked for the reason,
Said, "There's no good season
To be "down under" in Perth!
--- Bard of Wauconda
We grill prawns, not shirmp, with the lads.
We drink to forget
How American we get,
When their shit's on the TV with ads.
--- Newsworthy
But in Oz they do foreplay with zest;
With a "Brace yourself, Shiela!"
They shout an appeal-a --
"Owzat!" as if playing a test.
--- Peter Wilkins
The girls simply don't like the taste.
So a touch on the tit,
And that's about it;
Then into her quim we have raced!
--- Archie
On treating the bar crowd with tinnies,
Don't care what he stokes
With inebriate pokes,
But sometimes he stops when she whinnies.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who could get any woman to bed,
If they were asleep,
Or a cow, or a sheep;
He would keep them there if they were dead.
--- Anon
You know how he liked to be fed?
He'd slip down all the way
On whatever he'd lay
When hungry, to put out some head.
--- Anon
On a cow or a sheep or a duck!
He went for a Snapper one night;
Too bad he'd turned out the light
And then he was shit out of luck!
--- Anon
Was that ringing, his ears or a bell?
"No more of that crap,"
While puking in his lap
Said Jed, "I don't feel very well."
--- Anon
This is file jnm
Had a twenty foot didgeridoo.
They say that he slept
With the sheep that he kept
And he didgeridid them all too.
--- Peter Wilkins
With a didgeridoo in the sun,
Just visited Blue
For a minute or two,
Or until they were didgeridone.
--- Peter Wilkins
But it took its toll on Old Hue.
And it made quite a show;
On his didger they'd blow,
Putting Hue in a rhapsody in blue.
--- Peter Wilkins
At times you would hear the refrain
Of a bush kangaroo;
That's skippy to you,
But he didgereed him all the same.
--- Peter Wilkins
With his didgeridoo laid aside.
Becuase of didgerilust,
Our Hue bit the dust.
Now maidens have no need to hide.
--- Peter Wilkins
Some think to be ribald and blue.
So it ain't worth the reading
By persons of breeding,
It's designed for the vulgar like you.
--- Peter Wilkins
The land that is called "Down Under",
And now anti-nuke,
Discovered by fluke,
Of English nautical blunder.
--- Chris Papa
Allowed them their white skins to bare,
To the tropic sun,
Until every one
Got skin cancers, more than their share.
--- Chris Papa
Yourself, with this reminder jog.
"Each Celt who is wise,
Eschews sunny skies,
And lives in the Lands of the Fog".
--- Chris Papa
And Walibri you come across,
Beware of the greeting
At your first meeting,
And don't try to show them who's boss.
--- Anon
Are the Walibri eager to play?
Is it just a "man thing"
To exchange a quick ding
On their dongs? Can you confirm? Today?!
--- Anon
If by chance in the bush they do meet?
Do they shake tit for tat?
(I might struggle with that!)
I think I'd prefer to meat-beat.
--- Anon
The men have to extend 'cause if not,
What with all of the angling
Through all the meat dangling,
You'd get pussy, but not a whole lot.
--- Anon
Can Johnson come out to play?
You probably could,
But I imagine it would
Be a quickie and then they would stray.
--- Anon
They like to stay wild and free.
A quick shake with dick
And you'll see he's a prick,
When down the road he does sashay
--- Anon
Are what us true Aussies will do.
Though a sheep in a pinch
Will take our twelve-inch;
We prefer our own native grown zoo.
--- Archie
Have noted. This land does deserve us.
Like us, it is lusty,
Though partly it's dusty,
And the women and beasties are nervous.
--- Archie
Or an Emu, I can assure you,
Won't be in Australia
With their genitalia;
I'm content with quick views at the zoo.
--- Observer
Once sold kitchen stoves, it is told.
When Abos came tracking,
He really got cracking,
Climbed inside so he didn't catch cold.
--- Tony Burrell
He's changed into an iron man.
Just keep shooting straight;
Rattle that iron plate;
Noise will stop him if anything can."
--- Tony Burrell
It's got that cold winter stuff beat.
The skies are so blue;
The sea's the same hue,
To go with the ninety degree heat.
--- Archie
With envy; you set quite a scene.
How I wish I were there,
In your weather so fair,
Engaging in something obscene.
--- Carol
I'm sure your summers are frightening..
For south of the equator,
The seasons do cater
To a reverse of the north so enticing.
--- Parley Kennelly
If so, then it's knowledge that you lack.
The fact of the matter,
For worse or for better,
It's in town where I hang my hat.
--- Narni
Is there some other place where you grew?
You've never met in combat
A big furry wombat
Or outrun a fast kangaroo?
--- Ward Hardman
She was one of those Aussie-land bitches.
I forgave her the error,
Even though I'm a wearer
Of her riches of twitches in britches.
--- Anon
Those itches she gave in a batch;
Though not of my choosing,
She gave me this oozing,
Directly from stuffing her snatch!
--- Anon
No pomp and paraphernalia.
It's be quite a laugh
To share a big bath
To save water with Mr Maxalia.
--- Wobbley
And I could make bubbles with it.
I could float all my ducks;
(His battleship sucks)
Conformity? Who wants that shit?
--- Michelle
Though the bath could be torn right asunder.
Don't make a big scene,
'Cause my submarine
Will care for your dripping pedunda.
--- Archie
Glenn saw the first lights from the Earth.
He's up there again;
We've lit up again.
And, like John, we're all full of mirth.
--- Archie
The City of Perth was relighted.
The shuttle passed by;
He leaned out, said, "Hi!".
An older John Glenn was delighted!
--- Archie
Rides around on a big kangaroo;
He decorates his cakes
With half-dead tiger snakes,
That he's whacked with his didgeridoo.
--- David Miller
I tried making up to a nurse;
But as I made free
Then suddenly she
Hit my tiger snake with her purse.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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