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I'm sorry about your sore snake. So, just what is wrong with us Aussies? We slather our bods with whatever, Then it's off to the pub for a tall 'un, Fair Alderney, island of Channel! The Anglophile smitten with Britain, If Bath Spa is your destination, "Though the language of England sounds funny A young Malayan from Singapore Ah, Clacton. Yes, Clacton-on-Sea; Clapham Common's a good place to be (sans cups - Ronny Graham)
There was a young lady of Dover A gullible schoolgirl from Colney, (areas around Norfolk)
There was a young lad named Trelawny, In Cornwall there's a town that's called Looe; Hello there! What Ho! And By Jove! Brittania, not given to tippling, I've heard of those girlies from Dagenham, And eccentric old fellow named Bill Now Diss, with the fairest compares, sir; (areas around Norfolk)
Us boys who come from East Anglia A very smart lady from Rye There once was a village called Eccles, (areas around Norfolk)
To England for your next affair; The ETB, ain't they some schmucks? (ETB - English Tourist Board)
The English for sure are a pain As Christians, they're passably meek There lives in the city of Beenleigh Cane distillers in Beenleigh are glum; If Wessex of Sussex had sex From what I can see of the Brits, If it's off to the south you go vench- Horrors! I'm now all agog; It's true that in this part at least, It seems to be Britain's hard fate The sweet little girlies of Gloss (Gloucestershire) You British are fucking obscene, King George once again rules the West I don't know where you get your reports; There was an old tramp of the Wash, There once was a fellow named Gideon There was a schoolmaster from Gresham, Been working in Hampshire today; A buglar called Robert from Hautbois, (Hobbis) (areas around Norfolk)
At the pill-making factory of Hellesdon, (areas around Norfolk)
A careful young fisherman of Holkham (areas around Norfolk)
Some people from Holme took the train (areas around Norfolk)
There was a young welder called Graham (areas around Norfolk)
Although we British may not be tough, There was a young lady of station; The smooth-hound's a small type of shark, We've heard of the Isle of Sark; There was a young girl from Uttoxeter Ah, England! what glories are thine! John could tell folks his dick's looking wan; (Isle of Man uses three legs on coat of arms)
My ancestors maybe were Saxon, The Brussels edict magesterial The counties in England, I muse, A curious bird is the gull, Surveying her brood, Mrs Mouse (areas around Norfolk)
The Guardian and the Observer In Hereford, Hertford, and Hampshire, If you live in a borough like Harrow, Some Brits take a great pride in the act I once took a trip down to Dorking; I thunk that you Brits talk good English,
Try wrappingg it in some raw steak.
It worked well on mine
When I swung on a vine,
And fell on an old garden rake.
--- David Miller
(Apart from our snakes, bugs, and mossies)
It's never a crime
In our wonderful clime
To pack jewels in weenier cossies. (bathing suits)
--- Mystelle
To guard us against our fair weather.
And rightly or no,
Unhumbly we go
To the beach or the creek or whatever.
--- Mystelle
A shortie, a roundle or small 'un.
A meat pie and beer,
Some chicks and no fear;
Mates, it's Oz, it's all here for the trawlin'.
--- Mystelle
Your name graces many an annal.
Though I see also now
It refers to a cow...
Tell me, who was on that naming panel?
--- Rory Ewins Q
The lion become now a kitten,
Must ask when he sees
Its purr-formance at teas,
Was it really worth wasting one's wit on?
--- Laurence Perrine P8605
Then throughout your whole visitation,
The end of the line
Of each bloody sign,
Will remind you about your location.
--- Graham
To non-natives," observed Mr. Tunny,
"It is more widely used,
Understood, and abused
Than any known tongue -- except money."
--- A N Wilkins P8605
Found his life was one very big bore.
He arrived in the U.K.
Was told that he could not stay;
The way back was shut tight like a door.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
The resort during summer to be.
It's devoid of all birds
On account of the turds,
And the oil-slicks; all of it's free!
--- Anon
For sex, drugs, and perversions, you see.
But a former Welsh Minister
Could see nothing sinister,
In a nice invitation to tea.
--- Prof M-G
Who was thought to be living in clover.
But she said, with big sniffs,
"You can keep those white cliffs,
When it's windy, I'm nearly blown over."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Bought a walkman she thought was a Sony.
But when it went broke,
She thought it no joke,
And exclaimed, I've been caught with a phoney!
--- Anon
As he grew up, he found this name corny.
He was no Cornish hero,
In fact he's a zero.
He was tall, he was thin and quite scrawny.
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q
The residents don't know what to do.
As the press, to their shame,
Oft makes fun of their name.
If it doesn't stop shortly, they'll sue!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Lord Peter your genial cove!
Endearing, or what?
Passing through as I trot
To my country estate north of Hove.
--- Peter Wilkins
Ruled everywhere water was rippling.
The Queen of the seas,
She governed with ease,
Especially while coupling with Kipling.
--- Laurence Perrine P8605
'Cause gossips have tongues, and they're waggin' 'em,
In any town park,
In daylight or dark,
You'll find Essex fellers a-shaggin' 'em.
--- Anon
Lived in a cottage in Dill.
He dried all his socks
On the green window box,
And his underwear out on the sill.
--- Limerick John
It has one of the finest of Meres, sir.
A remarkable town
And a place of renown,
Which as you approach, Diss appears, sir.
--- Anon
Are hard and stiff and angular.
So it's no surprise
When the girls spread their thighs,
That they're handy and bandy and randier.
--- Anon
Had an accent that gave her awye.
She said she was posh,
Which they all knew was bosh.
She came from East Ham, so they sye.
--- Michael Palin
That cost Norfolk thousands of sheckles,
To prevent the coast failing
But all unavailing,
As the sea advanced slowly on Beccles.
--- Anon
No language-type barriers there.
In cock versus cunt,
You'll both know up front
The Who Why What How and the Where.
--- Irving Superior P9407
They're hoping for big Yankee bucks.
Enlisting Slick Willy;
Now ain't that just silly?
The message must be "England Sucks!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
In the neck -- you know what I'm sayin'?
They are really a pest
When the wind is due west;
They dump in the lowlands their rain.
--- Anon
With an English conservative streak.
Not forgetting the odds,
They revere pagan gods,
In the names of the days of the week.
--- A N Wilkins P8605
A lady whose eye is seen cleanly,
Lurking about
In a glassfull of stout,
In which it was placed somewhat meanly.
--- Mystelle
All citizens agree it is dumb;
To take an eye out
And dunk it in stout....
They of course would drop theirs into rum.
--- David Miller
With the middle sex Essex suspects,
Well, sex makes the British
Remarkably skittish.
They'd fake it with special effects.
--- Dennis Hammes
They seem mostly to be half-wits.
Their press is a joke,
The food makes you choke,
And it gives you the runny squits.
--- AJA
Uring, lustily seeking a wench,
You'll be pleased as punch
With the looks of that bunch --
'Cause their foremothers used to be French!
--- John Miller
I'll have to drink lots of strong grog
Before I go clench
With a South-England wench --
I'm loath to be kissing a Frog!
--- HMMWV
This is file jmm
The Normans came in from the east,
Along with their habits
Of screwing like rabbits,
A custom which still hasn't ceased.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To pound on in endless debate;
Although she was willing
To dispense with the shilling,
She hasn't denounced her old weight.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9206
Are happy to give you a toss;
The girlies of Salop (Shropshire)
Although they may gallop,
Prefer to be riding a hoss.
--- Peter Wilkins
Arrogant, stuffy, and mean,
Knowing nothing about
Our ways, so butt out.
Thank you and God Screw the Queen!
--- John Miller
And dammit, we Brits are depressed.
But don't be a dud;
We're still of one blood,
So screwing the Queen is incest.
--- SFA
I think you should eat your own shorts.
The reason we care
Is it might boost cunt Blair,
And we'd rather rip out his supports.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who tried to be terribly posh.
If you asked him for tea,
He'd say, "'Hem, pardon me,
But I say, ain't this really good nosh!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who live on the Greenwich Meridian.
Inter-hemisphere travel
Makes others unravel,
But for him it is strictly quotidian.
--- Graham
Used to catch naughty boys and them thrash 'em,
Till a burly sixth-former
Tied him up in a corner,
And threatened to nastily bash 'em.
--- Anon
That's somewhere down Tiddy Ogg's say.
The girls you can keep
But, by crikey, the sheep
Cause me terrible trouser affray.
--- Peter Wilkins
Robbing rich houses his job is.
Through windows he wangles
At impossible angles;
Yes, a rubbery robber our Bob is.
--- Anon
You can never find out how the smell is done;
I've tried hard and long
To unravel that pong,
But I never found out how the Hell it's done.
--- Anon
Used to catch lost of herring and smoke 'em.
In his great big fish shed,
To make sure they were dead,
He'd take a sharp stick and he'd poke 'em.
--- Anon
And stole some stones from Salisbury Plain.
To get their revenge
For the theft of Woodhenge,
And to give them a circle again.
--- Anon
Who received a call from Potter Heigham.
Or it might be that I am
Wrong and it's Heigham;
I really don't know how to say 'em.
--- Anon
Our ways are civilised, not rough.
But WE INVENTED CRICKET;
SHOVE THAT UP YOUR WICKET;
Tea and jam for tea, I've not had enough.
--- Peter Morgan
"I love man" was her exclamation.
But when men cried, "You flatter!"
She replied, "Oh no matter!
'Isle of Man' is the explanation."
--- Lewis Carrol
That's found 'round the coastline of Sark.
Its name's rather quaint,
But a dogfish it ain't,
And its bite is much worse than its bark.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Its history is a tad dark.
Their odd banking laws
Contained an odd clause,
Which let you start one for a lark.
--- Tomea
Who'd rather you kicked or threw rocks at her,
Than make her the source
Of ideas for coarse
Comps set by some low-minded Jock setter.
--- R D Condon P9212
The greatest -- your language, and mine --
Of Shakespeare the voice,
Keats, Swift, and re-Joyce!
The language of Laurence Perrine.
--- LP = conceited shit P8605
He has it out for a bit of tan.
But it is the size
That he could disguise
Himself as a three-legged man.
--- James
Who wooed all the Celts with their macs on,
Down Dorsetshire way,
Which accounts for the way
That I speak in a West-Country accen'.
--- Peter Wilkins
Said, "Your measures are not immaterial."
Now England must try
A regular guy,
Whose buyers preferred weights imperial.
--- Dr Limerick
Were named to invaders confuse.
"Middlesex" makes one wonder
What treasure to plunder --
Even a Viking'd refuse.
--- Anon
Which lives on the isle of Mull
Just on a hunch,
It flew out to lunch,
On some fish in faraway Hull.
--- Anon
Said, "We have outgrown this small house.
We could easily fill a
Luxurious villa
In Catton or Hellesdon or Trouse."
--- Anon
Supply Britain's liberal fervor.
The Telegraph, Times,
Echo old Tory chimes,
And the Sun is the day's pin-up server!
--- Prof M-G
It's been both a windy and damp year.
If you have the bent
To live in a tent,
Then folks, I suggest you don't camp here.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Then your fauna is a house sparrow.
To meet a crocodile
You must move to the Nile.
For this purpose just follow this arrow =>.
--- Meskhi P0900
Of speech, showing what Yanks always lacked.
But as an adjunctive,
They eschew the subjunctive,
So state nothing contrary to fact.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0306
While bottles of wine were uncorking.
I looked for some Jane
For sport, but in vane.
As usual the sheep got a porking.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But I sees dat yer grammer's stinking-lish.
Ya ain't got no clue
'Bout how ya can glue
Dem words on da page! Disgusting-lish!
--- Anon
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