Your nice words will not be forgotten; Although my verses may not be perfection The first line should set up your scene; A syllable-count's a conceit; In limericks we charge to the VAWARD My acquaintances thinks that I'm strange, My verses have never made sense Perhaps we should strive for high culture, The doctrine of Kain's Kafka-esque: It really does take a stout-hearted Now there are a couple of fools Occasionally I will dash I wish I could write them like Hugh, "Though the limerick I wrote had a flaw," "All limericks are gay," stated Ted, It seems that a new Harvard, Ted, You're a troll, Teddy Harvard, for shame! The limerick, now Ted, has no gender, It is true, dears, that limericks are gay. On the surface your statement seems crappy; A landlord from Maigueside, O'Toumy, Your girl and your limericks sound fine, A critic who worked for the Times (iams - commercial pet food in USA)
What! Sully our art for mere CASH? Your story about Jane and Marty Your rhyming is never too bad; Last May I turned eighty-three, Even those here who hate that low bastard, Since puns are the low form of wit -- (So no one will call me a shit.)
Your limericks I thought were quite fine; The limericist must be astute -- That limericks can get over-zealous When shitting your pants in this place,
This is file jhm
Hi Tiddy, H.C., and whoever, By that, I don't mean that you lack; Because I don't post much don't mean It's a fact that for some there's no romance; You folks from the Yorkshire coast, sunny, I hardly know where to begin - It's sad, but it seems you're both leavin'; I'll excuse you for being so young, Do you know "Popeye the Sailor Man?" I'm happy today to suggest Dear Madam, I think you're mistook; I'm sorry that somehow I read There once was a writer whose verse Bad verse tends to the salacious; You wankers are filthy as hell, I hit lots of people for snoring; With all the top poems I had The old girl, now resigned to St Peter But St Pete knew of her dodgy meter You may laugh, but when I get a hunch I thought, Scott, that you'd take your trunch- The question was open, 'tis true, Some opine, those who pen limericks, For idle hands, the Devil finds work; Poetry is an art form sublime, What a fine lackadaisical bunch! It's punch that you want? Let me try -- For now, I just mainly peruse A novel and new way to view A new volume of verse Asimovian, Condemning some verses as ribald, A most proper writer, Ms Kay, There was a sweet lady with specs, There once was a man named Me,
This group is devoid of the rotten.
I'm still learning this art
And you're doing your part.
I thank you from the heart of my bottom.
--- Aussie Owl
And some of them might cause objection
From those of the right,
Who proclaim me a blight,
And so honor me by their rejection.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0607
The second expound what you mean;
The next two you face
Must quicken the pace,
For a punchline that makes readers beam.
--- Jarmo
You have to remember the beat.
Shoehorn the scansion
As best as you can, son,
And where you can't find a rhyme, cheat!
--- Jarmo
Though many will say we are wayward
To find humor in sin
Using words not found in
Proper discourse by the fey horde.
--- J'Carlin
That my mind is completely deranged,
For writing such verse
That's so grim and perverse,
But I know I'm not likely to change.
--- Cap'n Bean P0304
'Cause I write them in imperfect tense.
Perfection is God's,
So what are the odds
Of me writing perfectly hence.
--- Dan Parslow
Consider a change for the future,
Let's go highbrow with times
And foresake our base rhymes,
And improve man's common base nuture.
--- Anon
Whilst limericks are simply burlesque,
His odd inquisition
Won't cut my emission,
Of verse feting babes statuesque.
--- Anon
And bona fide fool to get started
In limerick doodles,
But I've found that oodles
Of folks who have tried have just farted.
--- Travis Brasell
Who supposedly know all the rules.
Examples from Ward
Are consistently marred
With an odor of buffalo stools.
--- Hugh Clary
Off lines for the public mish-mash.
But, John, please consult
Before you insult;
It's cards, checks, money orders or cash!
A wordsmith that few can out do,
But no one's more witty
Than sheep-loving Tiddy,
When penning a poem 'bout a ewe.
--- Randog
Said McGill, "It still sticks in my craw,
That my heartless young niece
Had the limerick police
Bring me here to this psyche ward to draw!"
--- Observer
While he was bent over, cheeks spread.
"This, I've ascertained,"
He wisely explained,
"While I was inserting my head."
--- Observer
Believes that the limerick is dead.
He's read some of Tiddy's
Perverse little ditties,
But can't understand what he's read.
--- Cyber Wizard
Please don't dis our limerick game.
If they don't excite you,
It's clear you can't write. You
Could not get into your surname.
--- Cyber Wizard
So be you a front or rear ender,
Go scribble a verse
In this form most perverse,
And when you have done so, then send her.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Don't we all like to storm the parquet,
Rhyming bawdy and lewd
Things about getting screwed,
And a lot more exciting affray?
--- Ulla
Full of it. Meaningless. Sappy.
But out of the blue,
I find it is true!
Gay originally meant "happy!"
--- Chris Anton
Hated verses, long winded and gloomy.
On the Limerick he hit,
For its scarifying wit,
In a setting sufficiently roomy.
--- Archie
And I almost could wish they were mine.
Just a little more practice
Will avoid flying cactus,
Tomatoes, and fruits of the vine.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Says limericks are mostly all iams.
His statement, majestic,
"Forget anapestic."
Suggests he eats pet food most times.
--- Tom Patton P9808
I'd pay a pert girl for her gash,
But long 'fore the day
I'd insult you with pay,
I'll sit down and write my own trash.
Was clever and just a bit arty.
The readers today
Like sex and horseplay.
Beef it up and include a stag party.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
If only your meter, too, had
Some semblance of form,
That stayed near the norm,
Neither Dan nor I would be sad.
--- Chris Papa
And I'm just an unlettered PE.
I write these for fun
And not for the mon.
I don't know why I need lectures from thee.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Get pissed when our newsgroup is plastered
With long-winded SPAM,
So we hope you will scram
'Till the limerick form you have mastered.
--- Anon
Atrocious, the lowest of it --
I'll not stoop that low;
I'll dignity show;
So that no one on my verse will spit.
--- Irving Superior P9206
The best I have heard in some time.
But if I tried to do it,
I surely would screw it,
'Cause I think my long suite's not in rhyme.
--- Bob McCarthy
His ear for the rhyme most acute.
But though it's fine art,
He knows in his heart,
That nobody quite gives a hoot.
--- Norm Storer P9812
Is something nobody should tell us,
But I try to avoid
Getting gals paranoid
Or making their sex-partners jealous.
--- Anon
You oughtn't be taking up space,
With aught but a lim
Or the chances are slim,
That you'll leave without shit on your face.
--- Anon
It's Narni of the Never-Never,
Just dropping a line,
Between caskets of wine,
To 'pine about the lack of verse clever.
--- Narni
Reversely, you're on the "write" track.
It's just that some others
With whom I'm not bothered,
Are making us all cop their flak.
--- Narni
That that which is posted ain't seen
By us lurkers and poets
Who read and then goeth
'Forsooth' to our own worlds to dream.
--- Narni
No reason or rhyme in the word dance.
But jotters who care
Will keep posting here,
Because perchance is better than no chance.
--- Narni
Who're plagued by this plagiarist bunny,
Must surely deplore
This limerick whore,
For what isn't old, isn't funny.
--- Anon
Bad limericks seem to be "in" -
With rhymes that don't quite;
Verse meterless, trite -
Their damn gold stars get under my skin!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
There's bound to be bawlin' and greivin'.
But, in your own case,
You'll be savin' face,
'Cause lim-writin' you ain't perceivin'!
--- Anon
As a poet you still are unsung,
But your rhymes lame your lim,
In defense of Troll Jim,
Unredeemed by the mention of dung.
--- Ward Hardman
Sing your lims to that, if you can.
They they'll sound just right
With meter that's tight
And won't belong in the trash can.
--- Marlene Lewis
This limerick quality test:
'Tis well that the rhyme
Give message sublime,
But copious porn is the best.
--- The Sailor P0306
For your efforts I DO give a fuck.
I love how you write
About carnal delight;
It was pretty damned good by my book.
--- Anon
The opposite meaning instead
It happens sometimes
When thinking in rhymes
'Twas kind words, now, I see you said.
--- Anon
Was more than just bad; it was worse.
Her sticky-sweet rhyme
(So far from sublime!)
Was so stiff it required a hearse!
--- Gene Williamson
Bodily functions amaze us.
Public mitosis
And bad halitosis
And limericks tend not to be gracious.
--- Anon
And these limericks are starting to smell.
Why I'd rather pass gas,
Or scratch my fat ass,
Or get blistered on old muscatel.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I pissed on two girlfriends for whoring;
My dishonored bride
I slapped out of pride,
But shoot writers of Lim's who're boring.
--- David Miller
For her birthday, and none of them bad;
I had bound them in leather,
But she screamed and asked whether
I really had t'use skin from her dad!
Awaited the day he would greet her.
As a patron of rhyme,
She thought it was time
And forsooth, what a thing could be sweeter?
--- Doug Harris P0503
And said entry required verse much neater.
So it came as a blow
That he sent her below,
To Old Nick with his horns and his heater!
--- Doug Harris P0503
That someone is spouting a bunch
Of lame horseshit, I try
Educating the guy,
But that just gets my mouth a quick punch.
--- Scott Oliver
Eon, to give old McGill quite a punch.
When it comes to the crunch,
For lunch, and for munch,
Of rhyming words, there's quite a bunch.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And my words not intended for you.
Your verse was quite fine,
But I'll leave you online,
In your poetic verses to stew.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With poets aren't worthy to mix.
They scoff, "The rhyme's rude,
And the rhythm's too crude."
Those up-their-own-ass little pricks.
--- Jarmo
Beware then, you folks who just lurk.
For you, it's the pit,
If you've not the wit
To rhyme, then at least have a jerk.
--- Frank Fazed
But limericks just waste space and time.
Full of sins and sex
And puns that vex;
Who cares if the dirty jokes rhyme?
--- Lynn Mostafa
I see little, but I have a hunch
If some of you lurkers
Would stop being shirkers,
We'd again seen some limericks with punch!
--- John Miller
Do you want this punch low or high?
A right bloody nose
Or stockings and hose --
I only punch north of the thigh...
--- Marlene Lewis
'Twixt having a shag or a snooze.
But I must agree
That nothing I see
Is likely to drive me to booze.
--- SFA
The history you choose to skew;
But that's not my beef --
The sin that is chief?
At lims, you just haven't a clue.
--- Anon
That's replete with a humor that's Jovian,
Represents stimulation,
That will prove the occasion,
For a laughing response quite Pavlovian.
--- Isaac Asimov
A puritan, heaving a sigh, bawled:
"Who published this rot?"
But editors thought
The lines might be avidly eyeballed.
--- R J Winkler P8505
Submitted a limerick one day,
But it was rejected
Because she objected
When editors changed "lie" to lay."
--- Evelyn Bogen P9805
Who fought to find lines without sex.
She covered the table
With all she was able
To pinch without copyright cheques.
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Who shopped for limericks free.
Those verses perverse,
He discarded in verse,
"Oh Me, much to naughty to see!"
--- Jim