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Your "PROBABLY IN POOR TASTE" ad To LIMSIG, Box three sixty five, There once was a frustrated man, The limerick's a form that is quaint; Our Arthur has crashed yet again, The smartie pants all got together, Oh bugger, today is the twelfth. "Oh bugger," rings true, Tiddy Ogg! If Tiddy Ogg had half a brain, A pointed white stick! What a lark. A dirty old limmer named Tiddy, Uncle Tiddy is actually aged three, This rhyme should not cause offence, Why not call him Grandad, as well. An Uncle I am, but no thanks, I would have thought he'd portray I must admit, Tiddy Ogg's talents The twelfth of October again; If Tiddy has one little flaw, This Tiddy Ogg hangs out from his fly; With riddling powers instinctive, As much as I hate to chastise, Ah, verily, yea, it was Tiddy We should have a sound or a song; To commemorate limericks of stature, My votes cast for Tiddy-The-Wise; He's jolly, he's lustful, he's weird! I'm glad, James, that I rang your bell; Warning: You'll find no jokes here! You may know from earlier post, In the March of 1945, So was born I, a gamekeeper's son, Science at school had me hooked, By now, a power station built near, One day, a truck filled with cider The hospital soon sent me home, So that accident-day changed my life, Of necessity, not just for fun, Two sons my pretty wife bore; It's the spirng now of '79, A retina's somehow detached, Or it is until 1983, Retired sick in '87, This talking computer's a boon; There once lived a bloke, Tiddy Ogg, What? Plunder a bum with my spout? She had a big mate she called Sam. Leave Tiddy's big dick all alone, Then after Brad's ass hole has grown, You watch while our cricket team trashes I think that the sight of our Tiddy I've been away quite a long time; Let's welcome the lovely Azul, That's naughty! Hugh! And if you'll Last night, my muse came up to tell me: I thought I'd meet poets so fine, I see Archie's here, Dirruk, and Hugh, Oh, Carol, I'm shaking my head, I do dress up in frills and lace, I'll offer this briefest synopsis: Be glad now, Big Mama is back I wonder what makes Mama Big? Well, big is just all that is me; Your figure has made my knees buckle, This time we were lucky enough; Big Mama, I thought that the flood
Is humor that is close to sad.
Does LIM SIG hope
That when we ope
The envelope that we'll find MAD?
--- Irving Superior P9709
At zipcode, nine four oh three five,
In Moffett CA
My twenty I'll pay
To keep my subscription alive.
--- Larry Davis P9211
Who strangled his talking toucan, (parrot named Jan)
Not for squawks nor for shrieks,
But for shouting out:"Deex!
He showed that your limericks don't scan!"
--- Vassar W Smith P9506
You'd think that it's fun, but it ain't.
See, Arthur wants topics
Like "Sex in the Tropics,"
Which add yet another constraint.
--- Mark Levy P0109
His system's a mouse among men;
With his girlfriend he'll shack up
And ask her to back up,
Neglecting to state where or when!
--- Mark Levy P0406
And published a monthly newsletter.
They wrote limericks so witty
'Bout penis and titty;
They were naughty whatever the weather.
--- Silvia S Crockett P0104
I have to walk 'round in great stealth.
Erms's talk is so cursory, (pun intended)
It's our anniversary;
I forgot, now I fear for my health.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To get yourself out of this bog,
Requires urgent action
To square your infraction.
I wish you good luck, you old dog.
--- Randog
He'd start anti-litter campaign;
To pickup the shit!
Then I'd do my bit
And give him a pointed white cane.
--- David Miller
I've oft wanted one, so's to mark
The car of that bastard
Who has the art mastered,
Of using the sidewalk to park.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Managed to corral an old biddy.
With her legs in the air,
Under Tiddy's arched rear;
Afterwards, they both were quite giddy.
--- Heekster
"Hence the conincidence with Tiddee)
He passes the time
Putting thoughts into rhyme
And does it quite professionally.
--- Borg
Rather said in Tiddy's defence,
There is nothing worse
Than speaking in verse,
And called "uncle" is insult immense.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Call him American and say he's just "swell".
Give him a bun,
A burger and fun,
And he'll set them to music as well!
--- Tiddy Ogg
No Grandad, nor one of those Yanks.
I'm nearly as old
As John MIller, I'm told,
But I'm far more than him like a Manx.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In graphic detail their foreplay;
The limerick converging
On their kinky urging,
In a way only Ogg can convey!
--- Q
Have really affected my balance.
If a limerick were push-
Ups, my arms would be mush,
While Tiddy one-arms it like Palance.
--- Scott Oliver
One more year with Erm, was no pain.
That makes thirty-seven,
Spent mostly in heaven,
While living in England's slow lane.
--- Tiddy Ogg
It is that he's quick on the draw.
He has so much fun
Unloading his gun,
And little respect for the law.
--- SFA
He's got Bats in his Belfry.
Hang from what, and how high,
Up there high in the night sky?
Constellations like that are soft pie.
--- Anon
Young Oggie shows knowledge succinct of
The thrust of The Bard,
And has earned his reward
As Peckerton's finest detinctive.
--- Q
Tiddy's poem took me by surprise...
He starts with a fetish
Only to imbelish
His reproductive organ size!
--- Q
Who concocted the Nazarene ditty,
And searching the posts
For limerick ghosts,
Shows several here that are witty:
--- Q
A slogan or elaborate gong
To emit a loud cheep
Or some kind of peep
Or a long-ranging deep-throated bong...
--- James
Of length or of tasteless in nature,
Or when someone's prolific,
Even if not terrific.
(Though perhaps that's a point of debature.)
--- James
I wanted to send him a prize,
Cause you can't shake a stick
At his work in limerick,
But I can't find a sheep in his size.
--- James
Short-sighted, in sheep quarters feared!
Uncle Tid, the large loined,
For the verses he's coined,
I award him, the "Nantucket Beard"!
--- James
Of prizes, first this I must tell;
Arch gave me this bawd,
The Dave Cave's Award,
But an ig-nobel prize would be swell.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So, for those whose time's precious, dear,
With a flick of your wrist,
Take the next on the list;
Lest you want to be bored, then keep clear.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That I live on the English south coast.
But of me, myself,
I proceeded with stealth,
You may think me no more than a ghost.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In the hospital mother did strive,
From her belly to bring
This alien thing,
Under weight and barely alive.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Short-sighted, no good with a gun.
And lousy at sport,
Usual cricket score, nought,
So I found me alternative fun.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And I oft had my head in a book.
And especially math,
Which determined my path...
An engineering degree I then took.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file jem
Offered me a chance of a career.
So that came to fruition
But with no ambition,
I never reached a very high sphere.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Came smashing into my car's side, aargh.
Two weeks later, I woke,
With several limbs broke,
In a hospital ward long and wide, aah.
--- Tiddy Ogg
At first on crutches to roam,
Where a beautiful girl
With a head of blonde curls
Caused seed of love to be sown.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Not due to the young surgeon's knife,
No, it brought me the sweet
Girl from just up the street,
Who soon would become my dear wife.
--- Tiddy Ogg
My wife's dad shot game with his gun.
So once I had caught her,
The old poacher's daughter
Married the gameskeeper's son.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Quite enough, we didn't want more,
And the power plant's pay
Meant that we paid our way,
It at least kept the wolf from our door.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Doing mods to a Rolls Royce turbine,
But I must stop my job,
I see flashes, black blobs,
So it's off to the doc one more time.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Many tries are made to re-attach.
They all fail, never mind,
That one eye's blind,
But the other one's still up to scratch.
--- Tiddy Ogg
When similar symptioms I see.
The story's the same,
Sixteen ops, to my name,
Now I can't see the wood or the trees.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With a pension -- enough to live on,
For years, nine or ten,
Till some cash I could spend,
And buy this kit in '97.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I could sit here at dusk, dawn, and noon.
And with love, laughter, life
And a wonderfull wife,
I'm content as the man in the moon!
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who had some problems with his sprog.
He's squirt up a bum
After a bottle of rum,
And clog up a dirty big bog.
--- Brad & Broni
I may have when drunk, there's no doubt.
And then wiped it off
By giving a boff
To your girlfriend, which sure made her shout.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Ogg gave her flaps a bit of a ram.
Her bum felt like custard
Or swimming pool of mustard;
He didn't mind; he was on cam.
--- Bon Scot
(A nasty and uncontrolled bone,)
So try a slow number
On a big green cucumber,
And see how your ass hole has grown.
--- Archie
And the screams have dropped off to a moan,
We'll shake off his fleas,
Push him to his knees,
And we'll all take turns in getting blown.
--- David Miller
Your blokes, and we'll take them there ashes.
With laughter I'll roar,
And grab me a whore,
Or three and go ream out their gashes.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A'baring his left little titty,
Would cure us all
Of standing up tall,
And writing a doggerel ditty.
My muse wouldn't provide me with rhyme.
I thought and I muddled
So totally befuddled,
That all I produce is just slime.
--- Azul
A benevolent mistress whose rule
Of this limerick group
Will straighten the droop
That's lately affected my tool. (Parker T-ball Jotter)
--- Hugh Clary
Follow this groups Golden Rule,
We'll have a good time,
(Though I enjoyed your rhyme!)
Oh yes! Hello again to Azul!
--- Tobias Ware
"Big Mama, wake up now and see
How the guys have their way,
How they're out there to play!"
Well, I went but barked up the wrong tree!
--- Eva Bekker
Writing words both so wise and divine,
About beauty and gladness --
All I found is madness;
It hurt to read line after line.
--- Eva Bekker
And Travis, of course, is here too.
Even Peter, my lad,
Still behaving so bad --
It's so naughty, my dears, what you do.
--- Eva Bekker
To see you out here, 'cause instead
You should dress up in frills,
Wear a necklace with brills,
Be a lady! And don't use words bad!
--- Eva Bekker
And behave with great style and grace.
I'm very polite
Before I invite
Myself to sit on a man's face.
--- Carol
Upon my face, come on and hop, Sis,
And you will soon say,
"Your tongue's hard the way
This billy club of an old cop's is!"
--- Travis Brasell
And she will put you on the track.
She will teach you some style
So that after a while,
Your wronger behaviour you'll lack.
--- Eva Bekker
It's rumored she's wearing a wig.
But permed, it's so cute.
If I get near that beaut,
I'll snuffle and root like a pig.
--- Cubby
Big backside, big front, don't you see?
I'm so awfully round;
No skinny piece found;
A Mama with quadruple D!
--- Eva Bekker
And raised rather more than a chuckle.
I saw a fly fly,
My mouth was so dry,
I'm ready and eager to suckle.
--- Cubby
This flood -- it has really been tough.
Way up north we were safe
From rain and flood wave,
From mud and all that dirty stuff.
--- Eva Bekker
Had buried you under the mud,
Where profligate varmints
Had stripped you of garments,
And nipped you, my dear, in the bud.
--- Travis Brasell
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