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But with our new morals so deep,
Attempt to civility keep,
We paid legal minds,
To settle bad binds,
The club was much better, and cheap!
--- Chris Papa

There was a young lady of Cirencester,
Who went to consult her solicitor;
When he asked for his fee,
She said, "Fiddle-de-dee!
I only dropped in as a visitor".
--- Bishop Bloomfield (Bibby)

An alien space ship, Earth bound,
Was searching for life all around.
When a lawyer was spied,
The captain then cried,
"No intelligent life has been found!"
--- Jim C Carpenter

I went to a party, real chic,
The company played Hide and Seek.
A lawyer went hiding,
I guess he's still biding,
'Cause no-one's looked since Wednesday week.
--- Anon

A Washington lawyer named Bert,
Took a nap by the road in the dirt.
A trucker named Fred
Ran right over his head,
But no vital organs were hurt.
--- Jim C Carpenter

A privileged client's attorney
Went on an incredible journey.
Far off, in the court,
The case wasn't fought,
And the client did not think it furney.
--- Ally Ann

"Sir, I'd like to know what your act is."
"I'm a practicing lawyer, the fact is." --
"Then give up the chase.
I'm a desperate case.
I need one who doesn't need practice!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8503

"Marlene," the boss said, "you look a fright."
Well, of course, I was up limericking all night.
He cussed and he swore
And acted like a bore,
'Cause I couldn't get a pleading writ right.
--- Anon

There once was a D.A. from Thrace,
Had a car with a door stuck in place.
Took his car, a Mirage,
To the nearest garage;
Just another open and shut case.
--- Tom Patton P0308

Proposals of marriage should all
Have phrases of pre-nuptial
And words of remorse
In case of divorce,
And words that in contracts are small.
--- Irving Superior P9711

There was a young lawyer named Burke,
Who acquired a curious QUIRK;
The drugs that he used
Oft left him confused,
And he'd wear his lawsuit to work!
--- Observer

A gentle sweet lady named Lyme
By hoodlums was savaged one time.
Said her lawyer, "Disgrace!
It's an open/shut case,
But we must reconstruct the whole crime."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2678

A lady depressed and ill-lucked,
By hoodlums was ravaged and fucked.
Said her lawyer, "Disgrace!
It's an open, shut case,
But the crime we must now reconstruct."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2122

Here in the old U.S.A.
Though royalty's long gone away,
'Twixt taxes and tortes
And lawyers and courts,
I'm royally screwed every day.
--- John Miller

There's a lawyer on old Beacon Hill
With a fetish only he can fulfill.
He gets an erection
Looking at his reflection,
And sending himself a bill.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a lawyer named Smyth,
Whom I hired after killing my wife.
This attorney was slick,
And through some legal trick,
The judge went to prison for life.
--- Bob Birch P0800

A convicted defendant named Bernie,
Got pissed at his lousy attorney,
So he whipped out a gun,
Shouting "We should've won,"
And his lawyer went out on a gurney.
--- Cap'n Bean

There once was a sweet girl named Suzie,
That damn Charlie claimed was a floozy.
When she turned him down,
He spread it aroun';
The lawsuit she filed was a doozy!
--- Anon

A lucrative lawyer named Slade
Knew all of the tricks of the trade;
And with cash flowing in,
He delighted in sin,
Spending all of the money he made.
--- Cap'n Bean

When defending high-stakes litigation,
You're facing a juicy temptation
To turn all the papers
To ashes and vapors;
To lawyers, it's call spoliation.
--- Dr Limerick 12-07-01

Don't do it! The court will assume
You're claiming that you can't exhume
The papers requested,
Because you have guessed that
Their content your case could entomb.
--- Dr Limerick 12-07-01

The trial continues as if
The papers support the plaintiff;
Your chances just fell
To a snowball in hell --
It's much wiser, it out to stiff.
--- Dr Limerick 12-07-01

A lawyer named Spring who was hung,
Had a very good client named Sprung.
When Sprung went to jail,
Spring paid for his bail.
Spring Sprang Sprung.
--- Erwin Paul TP9804

Two barristers, Huxom and Luxom,
Hired heavyweight Sally who's buxom;
Her mouth's like a pit,
Her cunt's a loose fit,
But with 'em she suxom and fuxom.
--- Travis Brasell

He studied three years for the bar,
But his test scores were far below par.
Now, an excellent barman,
He caters to car men,
And rakes in more money by far.
--- Laurence Perrine P8503

A minor offender named Dale
Thought lawyers would help without fail.
But when faced with the rates
Charged by old lawyer Bates,
He said, "I'll take the ten years in jail."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8111

A lawyer who lived in Chicago,
In arguing so made his jaw go,
That when he was dead,
It still wagged in his head,
And frightened whoever it saw go!
--- Carolyn Wells P8111

Of lawyers it's tragic but true,
Obfuscation is what they pursue
With sesquipedalian
Balderdash daily in
Big words where a little would do.
--- John Sandler P9204

Texas lawyer gets urgent phone:
Emergency out-of-state roam;
He has not time to pack,
But he'll be right back,
So to tell his wife, he calls home.
--- Daniel Ford

The maid answers, but hesitates;
Lawyer strongly interrogates;
Seems wife is upstairs
With mailman's affairs,
Which barrister infuriates.
--- Daniel Ford

Lawyer would rush home right away,
But emergency makes him stay;
Tell maid to get gun;
Kill both in bed fun;
But the maid protests -- I should say!
--- Daniel Ford

The silver-tongued lawyer explains,
Under Texas law it remains
Quite legal to kill
Adulterers still,
So should wife and lover have pains.
--- Daniel Ford

The maid, finally convinced to do it,
Puts down the phone, though she rue it;
Two shots, screams and splashes
Sound through the phone flashes,
So listener he truly knew it.
--- Daniel Ford

This is file ixm

"Did you kill them?" quite hushed said he.
"Yes, I did," in reply said she.
"Were bodies disposed?"
"Yes in pool now reposed;
Those splashes you heard already."
--- Daniel Ford

The lawyer then paused palpably,
And asked her somewhat sheepishly,
"Did you say 'the pool'?"
"Yes, threw in the pool!"
"Is this 555-8443?!"
--- Daniel Ford

A lawyer whose last name is Powers,
Whose office is up in the towers,
Will defend you with glee,
If you pay his big fee,
'Cause he's always got billable hours.
--- Cap'n Bean

In spring, with a name like Topaz,
Which his love undeniably has,
You'd imagine that even
A lawyer like Steven
Would not start his love-song: Whereas...."
--- Mad Zeno

A law office that's really one-stop,
Has been recently formed in East Chop.
It is functioning now:
Whoo, Watt, Ware, and Howe,
Partners Butt, Wye, Knott shown at the top.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

There's been a few lawyers I've known;
Their antics have caused me to moan.
I now make the motion:
Put them all in the ocean;
See if sharks will eat one of their own.
--- Anon

There was an old Lawyer proficient
In wisdom to all, and efficient.
His advice to the brave
Was to work hard and save.
His word to the wise was sufficient.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2756

Most people don't know that Ben Matlock
Was born in the small town of Flat Rock;
He practices law
Because he once saw
His mama shoot his papa's fat cock.
--- Anon

In New York, Schumer's viewed as a star.
His brassy big mouth took him far.
Both slippery and sly,
Just a fun-loving guy,
With a grin like he just keyed your car.

(State Attorney General - busts corporate bad guys)
--- Betty Ann Cansano

How sad; Mr Clinton disbarred;
I'm sure now his life must be hard.
Must he go back to Hope
And peddling dope,
And living un-Cuban cigarred?
--- Dr Limerick

That Bill was disbarred was routine,
His fate was shared by seventeen.
Once disbarred at home,
Your fate is up sewn;
You can't be a lawyer supreme.
--- Dr Limerick

But you have to congratulate Rehnquist
For his deftness in doing the knife twist.
It should have been simple
And cause not a ripple,
But he made sure that everyone witnessed.
--- Dr Limerick

Besides, who would hire Bill Clinton,
With the lineup that's currently sittin'?
He's guaranteed five
Who would surely contrive
A "Nay", legalistically written.
--- Dr Limerick

What's a poor HAWKSHAW to do,
When he's up the creek, without clue?
Why, seek DNA,
Then kneel down and pray
Johnny Cochran won't nullify you.
--- Chris Papa

I've heard John Cochran has said to wit:
I could rearrage my words a bit.
In a speech of this fashion
Exuding compassion.
"If de plunger fit, you CAN'T acquit!"
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9710

They called him the "People's Attorney"...
With "Big Business" flat on a gurney...
He'd given it bruises
For outrageous abuses...
A liberal knight in life's tourney.
--- Tutta Gioia

There was a young woman named Stella,
Struck dead by a flying umbrella;
It wasn't her fault,
This strange parassault,
So her son has retained Melvin Bella.

(Melvin Belli was a famous San Francisco lawyer)
--- David Hirschfeld P9112

Cochrane, Shapiro, F. Lee,
As slick as three lawyers can be!
They persuaded the jury,
To take out its fury
On Furman, and set O.J. free.
--- Anon

From the Union of Civil Liberties
Came a lawyer with strange proclivities.
He burned flags and used drugs
And defended all thugs,
To the best of his puny abilities.
--- First Monday TV P0202

A lawyer with a high IQ
Was wed to a two-timing shrew.
When he complained,
"Shut up!" she explained,
And out of the bedroom he flew.
--- Ernest Lefever Lib Lim

"All lawyers are assholes!" she snorted.
"You just take that back" he retorted.
"You're a lawyer, then Bone?" (Funny Bone)
"Don't be daft, you old crone!
I'm an asshole.", he proudly retorted.
--- Artie

BARRATOR, one with suing itch,
Should find place in Dante's Hell niche!
Except in U.S.,
Dumb juries will bless
Their scheme to become very rich.
--- Chris Papa

A conniving young widow from Winner
Invited her lawyer to dinner;
He brought her some candy
And a bottle of brandy,
And billed her for both, the old sinner.
--- Lims Unlimited

ACLU Lawyers, let's give a hand!
And the principles for which they stand!
They dare not breach
The joys of a beach;
Cats keep covering them with sand.
--- David E Sees

There once was a lawyer named Ray
Who filed a new lawsuit each day.
When Christmas came 'round,
In his stocking Ray found
Some coal, and an old canape.
--- Christine Brim

Our boss is so anal retentive,
He thinks that his mind is inventive.
He says, "Come work for me.
Clients pay our fee!"
That is just not sufficient incentive.
--- Marlene

There once was a boss-man named Phil
Who could really be such a pill.
He just makes me nuts,
But he is no putz;
I'll not doubt his great legal skill.
--- Marlene

The hours have reached seventy-two;
No one knows what we're likely to do.
We slap our co-workers;
We tell them they're shirkers.
We need to bid this place adieu!
--- Marlene

I'm wandering around in a haze;
I tell people it is just a phase.
My brain will shift gear;
Once more I'll be here.
It only hits me on weak-days.
--- Marlene

It's late; we've worked hard and we're tired.
We can't quit; we know we'll be fired.
The computer is dumb
And the printer won't hum.
It's past time that we all retired.
--- Marlene

The boss thinks that I am a wizard.
This gives me a pain in my gizzard.
It's really just tragic
That I don't do magic.
I would turn him into a lizard.
--- Marlene

The boss is still anal retentive
(He is taking a pooping preventive).
He says, "Listen to me!
This is how it must be."
We frequently are inattentive.
--- Marlene

I give just a word to the wise:
Within law firms you only rise
If you will kowtow;
The boss will allow
Your working until your demise.
--- Marlene

An introspective lawyer named Milty
Contemplated the practice he built. He
Changed his whole intent,
Convicting the innocent
And now he's defending the guilty.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0506


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