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In winter two ladies named Peters At Timmins, a miner, ill-fated, This week I'm working the first shift, If ever dear, somehow you forgot, It's just like going into combat; It must be your free-swinging tits, However, I've had quite a chuckle I have to say I'm tickled too, Said the gutsy young lady named Dinah, Dinah tried for a job as a rigger. The foreman gave Dinah a gift; There once was a pool man called Jean, There was a hard worker named Morrie, A cat burglar, Ladderboy Bright, To Egypt a long distance call (Pyramid vs Chinese Wall)
He washee window way up there. A young man, a real eager beaver, There once was a baker named Baker, A carpenter, one Archibald Featherstonehaugh A carpenter from Kalamazoo The carpenter learned to improve A carpenter in Finlandia The school girls in Lima, Peru A carpenter's helper named Neville I once knew a maid down in Vance, An old lady, from near Mississugger, A lumberjack novice named Claude, To axes now few loggers HEW; Say a tree had a penis, I'd scoff, Two fellows who were lumberjacks, "Would you chop down this forest?" I said Far up on the mountain last night, I slung my big log 'cross my shoulder, Now, Winnie's my log loading pal, Whenever I come up beside her, Through many fine log mules I sifted Yes, Winnie has brought me good luck; And when up on the mountain tonight, When you're out in our national park, Since I have long been a believer A lumberjack up in a fir From Woolston comes arc-welder Mag. The blacksmith was plying his trade; There is an old butcher named Fred, There are hard times for poor cobbler Bill; That leather he thinks he will take, Here's Suzy, who's been on the booze; He makes them a massive size 9, Then in comes a big greasy schmuch, "I'll promise, and this ain't no trick, see, To which cobbler Bill makes this cry: And prosper did old cobbler Bill, A firefighter named Hearnd A vigilant fireman named Byron As the tired fireman reeled in the hose, The fireman could not have been sadder; The hairdresser, combing quite errant A horologist, making a clock, A parquetry expert called Good An adept pizza maker in town, I would rather make pots out of ball clay A printer who lives in Sudan An Intertype girl from LeMans A printer of old worked with lead. One day while treadling her press, A pressman who's now in perdition A German man quite laconic
Kept warm by their cozy gas heaters.
Their gas price was low
And the reason was: "So
We are screwed by the readers of meters."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0292
Would avoid safety clothes, insulated,
Which down in the pit
Didn't matter a bit,
Till he came out at night -- copperplated!
--- Mrs Don Gale, Ontario 72c
And that early I am not too swift.
With puffy red eyes,
I need help from the guys,
In locating my own fork lift.
--- Anon
Not 'fork lift' but your special spot
With which you do straddle
My face and my saddle,
Both tongues will help locate your twat!
--- Anon
At work, while I'm still training Pat.
Up on the fork lift,
The gears he can't shift,
And the seatbelt won't go 'round his fat.
--- Carol
That's giving poor Patrick the fits.
With using the clutch
To shift and to touch
Your breasts, while he's jerking his bits.
--- Travis Brasell
Envisioning your trying to buckle
That seat belt 'round Pat,
Who grabs his green hat,
And thinks you are fixin' to fuckle.
--- Travis Brasell
Imagining that sticky goo.
He's shaped like a pig;
His belly's so big,
It sticks out further than his dickie do.
--- Jeanie
Who resigned from her job as a miner.
"That awful coal dust
Spoils a girl's snow white bust
And seeps in a miner's vagina."
--- M C Pigg P0308
The guys at the office would snigger.
"We'll hire you really quick
When you've grown a dick,
And tits are not part of your figger."
--- M C Pigg P0308
She was hired for a longshoreman's shift.
In an hour she was fired
When she said, "I'm so tired
And that box is too heavy to lift."
--- M C Pigg P0308
Who made sure that the gene pool was clean.
"Who cares about dregs
Like folks with bowlegs,"
He said as he poured in chlorine.
--- Ken Tusha
Who worked hard at his work in the quarry.
At the end of the day,
He was too tired to play
With his kids. He could only say sorry.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Was caught on the job one fine night.
And now, so they say,
He sews mailbags all day --
Yes that case is sewn up all right.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
From China, "We're building a wall.
Since your man is through,
Ask him, can he do
Less slanting, and not quite as tall?"
--- Irving Superior P9301
About his work he really care.
People quite buffaloed
When see him on scaffold.
They say, "There's a Nip in the air."
--- Jane D Hughes P9301
Was soon at his job with a cleaver.
His work as a killer,
Finished up in the chiller.
He died not in the chair, but of fever.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who baked the mistake of a caker.
But without ado,
He took it and some glue,
And became a cabinet maker.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Smiled as he turned on his band saw.
He said: "Let no doubts linger,
Even if I lose a finger,
I'd rather use this than a hand saw."
--- William K Alsop Jr
Built a house without nail or a screw.
When the house fell apart,
He said, "Cross my heart,
That's the last time for Scotch Tape and glue!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
His love life by making a move,
From simple straight studding
To coatings for flooding,
And using antique tongue 'n groove.
--- John Miller
Said, "How long have I got to stand here?
I'm all by myself,
Trying to put up this shelf.
Won't somebody give me a hand here?"
--- Michael Palin
Took a course where they learn how to screw;
And hammer and plane,
Use mahogany stain,
And avoid dirty people like you.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0512Q
Never made anything level.
A table or chair
Was best made elsewhere,
Then taken to Neville to bevel.
--- Michael Palin
Who could not sing a thing or do dance.
But she was so good
When she's sawing wood,
And even better yet at romance.
--- Lims Unlimited
Was in love with a seasonal logger.
"Though he cannot be here
For ten months of the year,
Still I love him -- the silly old bugger!"
--- Keith MacMillan 62d
Quit his job and them moved abroad.
It wasn't the hills,
Or mountains or rills,
He just didn't like what he sawed.
--- Margaret A Murdock P8303
With chain-saws they fell trees; a few.
Such hewing's a breeze,
Except when species
Are endangered by hacking they do.
--- Chris Papa
And suggest that your head's up your trough.
But a logger will brake
His truck for the sake
Of letting the lumberjack off.
--- Hugh Clary
Took a break, while at work, to relax.
Boss perambulated,
Found them both prostrated,
And promptly gave them the axe.
--- Observer
To three lumberjacks, John, Dick, and Fred.
But they muttered, "Oh dear,
It will take us all year,
For we're only tree fellers," and fled.
--- Peter Wilkins
Out under the stars full and bright,
I lifted my timber
(And I wished it was limber!)
And strained my damn guts till I shite!
--- Travis Brasell
(Not easily done, as I'm older!)
And toted it down
The mountain to town,
And shoved it in Winnie's log holder.
--- Travis Brasell
This is file ihm
A stubborn but faithful old gal;
She sometimes unruly,
Yet for a Log Muley,
She packs well with nary a scowl.
--- Travis Brasell
I'm careful to never deride her;
She's such a sweet soul,
Who's taken my pole
So often and still lets me ride her.
--- Travis Brasell
Till I found dear Winnie -- so gifted!
For nigh 30 years,
She's brought me to tears
When, gladly, my timber she's lifted!
--- Travis Brasell
She's one mule who's not prone to buck;
She's always quite ready
To stand straight and steady
So that my big log won't get stuck!
--- Travis Brasell
While under the stars full and bright,
I'll hear Winnie braying,
As her way of saying,
"My log holder's still good and tight!"
--- Travis Brasell
You must guard your log 'til it's dark.
Lest a woodpecker's bill
Do a rat-a-tat drill
For the worms crawling under the bark.
--- Alan Wolverton
That a log man must be a achiever
Of timber that's good,
I guard, as I should,
'Gainst peckerwoods -- also of beaver!
--- Travis Brasell
Yelled "tim..." but forgot to add"... ber!"
The men on the ground
Were just standing around,
And no one has found where they were.
--- Lims Unlimited
Although she's a bit of a hag,
Whene'er she starts flashing,
The fellows come dashing,
In order to knock off the slag.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He sweated as hammering made
Those chastity belts
For the amorous Celts.
He got richer with every crusade.
--- Anon
Who tries to get ladies to bed.
With sweet talk he woos,
And plies them with booze,
But they prefer sausage instead.
--- Libby Corrie
There's only ten pence in the till.
His whole stock in trade
Is once piece of suede,
So how's he his belly to fill?
--- Tiddy Ogg
One last pair of shoes for to make;
But he's wondering who
Wants hyacinth blue
Suede mules but it's not make or break.
--- Tiddy Ogg
She tries not her balance to lose.
But knocks down, the fool,
A sharp bladed tool.
"Don't step, dear on my shoe blade, Suze!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
And reckons they look mighty fine.
And hopes that some miner
From South Carolina
Will buy them for huge Clementine.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Hair styled like the rear of a duck.
"Need shoes for one night,
So if it's all right,
I'll take them, but down on my luck."
--- Tiddy Ogg
We're men of the world down in Dixie,
If they fit my feets,
You've half the receipts,
Of my disc sales, or I'm a green pixie."
--- Tiddy Ogg
"You think that A Fool Such As I,
That chance up would throw,
Son, take them and go."
And waves him farewell with a sigh.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With Suzy, his dreams did fulfill.
Lived happily ever after?
That stupid! None dafter!
He now lies in peace in Boot Hill.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Forgot everything he had learned;
A careless mishandle
Of a decorative candle;
He watched as his property burned.
--- Puff Adder
Extinguished the fire in a siren,
But it smoldered and flamed
And he sadly proclaimed
There were too many fires for his iron.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0074
He was so cold that he almost froze.
Unless he got some heat
From his head to his feet,
He'd have parts that would soon decompose.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Lack of sex made him mad as a hatter.
His locked bedroom door
Was on the third floor.
He needed a hooker and ladder.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Pulled hard on his pate. "Oh you weren't
To do that!" cried he
(Who was balder than thee!)
She replied, "Just making hair apparent."
--- LaDonna Jones P8503
Said, "My sign gives tailhunters a shock.
They come in a whirl
With hotpants for a girl,
When there's none to be had in THIS block!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 437
Was oftentimes misunderstood,
From various sectors
Like porno directors,
Who asked if he always had wood.
--- Donald McGill
For his thick crusts, enjoys some renown.
He'll leaven across,
Knead, roll out, and toss
Dough, that's too weighty to down.
--- Jerry Nordal
Than the plastic you buy at the mall, clay.
Until fired, it is dark.
Then it's white; what a lark!
And it's permanent once and for all clay.
--- Anon
Runs his press just as fast as he can.
To make matters worse,
He once ran in reverse,
And finished before he began.
--- Anon
Sets type with both of her hands.
And sometimes her toes
And the tip of her nose.
What ever production demands.
--- Anon
"It's bad for you!" it was said.
He would cry with a jeer,
"I'll live many a year!"
But at age ninety nine he was dead.
--- Anon
A gear caught her old-fashioned dress.
As it got torn away,
She was heard to say,
"I got caught but I wasn't impressed!"
--- Anon
Came to work in a drunken condition.
He fell into the press
Which made quite a mess.
It was surely his final edition.
--- Anon
Would print things only teutonic.
Like instructions for strudles,
Sauerbraten with noodles,
And notes for the Bonn Philharmonic.
--- Anon
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