A nasty old pressman I knew At the Linotype he was quite new. I know the man who repairs my shoes; When Freddy, the shoemaker, fell, A skilled maker of shoes was young Hearst; Claim tailors in Hong Kong, "We thirsted An old watchmaker from Anaheim, A watchmaker, most unorthodox, An industrious weaver from Leeds, I'll tell you of Tracy, a weaver, A builder who worked at great heights, When today's newsman opens his yap, Of the AM band, I'm a big fan, Anchorwomen, not quite the same The way that I make all my money, A Swiss guide by the named of Jan Lever Damon Runyon thought young men should know Anchormen read us the news, A lady advisor/sex sleuth Now don't you go and get all mad, That short little woman will teach you Gagging you scream Dr. Who? Good sex, if you must know the truth," The Tribune posts news on its pages Every Sunday I throw out my back Hugh Hefner's a guy who just brags, We all know she does like to diet While at work on a client's behalf, In La Belle France, if one wished to rate, Though John would keep writing OP ED, Of newspaper moguls, the worst: The N.Y. Times staff does a stint I'm of filth such a dogged acquirer;
This is file igm
Since newspapers sometimes surprise With T.V. around, who is sure William R. Hearst, of ethics uncouth, An editor by the name of Hughes All newspaper boardroom agenda
i Rupert Murdoch, with glee, shouted "What You're the wisest of wise in the land, (conservative pundit asshole in the States, 1990's)
The media thinks it's their role In choosing the views I peruse, Of the mistress of W. Randolf Hearst, I sit here to answer the phone. Now Marty, look at it this way: And besides, I think most of the callers, Your Mama, she doesn't work here. Please don't put your dish in the sink. Please! Please help keep our lunch room clean. You drank half a can of your coke. Food in the fridge is good today, Oh waste not and want not, dear Mar, The only thing flat is my bust. I bought Marty's fridge on a whim, We're hoping at your new frontier, My office is straight out of Hell. In my office the lights will go nil A new secretary, Jane Fisk, My great-aunt's eaves are untidy, I'm not in the least bit complaining, I hate to instill you with sorrow; I once knew an old Engineer You could build from his first set of plans; Such Masters are right on the brink We could hold universal debate This new breed they call Engineers
Got to hell without much ado.
Satan said, "You have sinned!"
As he devilishly grinned.
"What a press I have waiting for you!"
--- Anon
Did not know quite what to do.
A careless tight line
Brought a scream, then a whine,
As typemetal spattered his shoe.
--- Anon
A dying trade that he would not choose.
When told as a lad
He must follow his dad,
He agreed in case dad blew a fuse!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
His output of shoes fell as well.
Said a customer, "Freddy,
Will my shoes soon be ready?"
But Freddy said, "Awl is not well."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2568
When he entered a contest, men cursed.
And they all were aghast
When first prize was for last,
For young Hearst for his last came in first.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2614
To demand all the dollars we dursted.
And the fibers we tested
Have never been bested,
Though several fabrics were worsted."
--- Hugh Clary
Did not have his hands on the time.
If a watch stops today,
One just throws it away.
His watchmaking's now not worth a dime.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Put just half of the works in his clocks.
He said, "None of my clients
Are versed in this science--
They won't know I'm omitting the tocks."
--- Vincent Torre P9406
Wove the most beautiful tweeds.
At his loom night and day
He had no time to play,
Or take care of his family's needs.
--- William K Alsop Jr
A considerable under-achiever.
Her woof and her weft
Of fibers bereft,
Caused all of her colleagues to leave her.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Said he enjoyed being there for the sights.
He liked what he saw,
But wished it were more,
Especially through windows at nights!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
There's no chance of his risking a flap.
The news is biased, so
We're told what we should know.
We've a choice between pap and grand pap.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0409
And I listen whenever I can.
It's the amplitude (height)
You must modulate right
To make practical radio, man.
--- David
As anchormen, play the same game.
Reading news, they don't laugh;
Just a smile that is half
Mona Lisa and half Auntie Mame.
--- Sheila B
Some people may find rather funny.
On every fresh copy,
While it is still soppy,
I cover mistakes with some honey.
--- Anon
Formed a rescue team with his retriever.
After three months of Fall,
There were no saves at all,
Save the wrapped Daily Zeitung Geneva.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
One rule when to manhood they grow:
They should always avoid
Like the plague and typhoid
Fast women and horses that're slow.
--- Warrick Elrod
And they don't often give us their views.
They're the first and the last
On each videocast,
Looking dignified, hairpiece to shoes.
--- Anon
Concentrates on your moment of truth.
"Too fast? Make it linger
With tongue, toe and finger,"
Comes advice from our own Doctor Ruth.
--- Jane D Hughes P9006
Take a breath, settle down my lad!
There's hope for you yet,
You just have to get,
Dr. Ruth to lay you, Egad!
--- Anon
Everything just shy of voodoo.
By the time she gets done,
You'll be number one,
But she'll need a ladder to reach you!
--- Anon
Noo, that's a British sci fi show, turuloo.
Now pay attention,
Dr. Ruth I did mention,
The wild things she'll teach you to do!
--- Anon
Remarked the demure Dr. Ruth,
"Is well sanitized fucking.
The obsession with sucking --
Not only bad taste, but uncouth."
--- Ed Potts P8606
And features that span all the ages.
So I know a lot more
Than my neighbor next door,
For his Times only lines his bird cages!
--- Beverly Stanislawski
When I pick up the Tribune's thick stack.
The fat sheets, myriad,
All contain someone's ad,
Without which it would be a mere tract.
--- William N Nesbit
"The Mansion's where fun never lags.
Where the girls and great foods
Satisfy all your moods,
While I keep track of my money bags."
--- Tom Patton P9902
And at work is never too quiet.
She's a smart-ass hen
Who dabbles in men,
And if spotting a Clairol, she'll buy it.
--- Dick Hull
We would stop while she made us all laugh.
And it's no rumor,
Her sense of humor
Will surely delight her new staff!
--- Dick Hull
And nobility wasn't his fate,
He could happily catch
A job with "Paris Match",
Then apply to join the Fourth Estate.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
They never would print what he said.
John deeply deplored
His being ignored,
So next time he wrote to "hOP hEaD."
--- Irving Superior
Tyrannical William R. Hearst.
Drove Unions insane
While brow-beating Kane.
Oh, Happy the day Hearst was hearsed.
--- Irving Superior
Which requires them to practice a squint,
Which ensures that these sages,
In these days and ages,
Won't see "All of the News Fit to Print".
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
Of privacy no lame admirer,
That I'm pleased to announce
I'm ready to pounce!
I've been hired by the National Enquirer!!
--- Anon
The names of the ones who demise,
I next read the weather,
Deciding on whether
To roll up, and start swatting flies.
--- Irving Superior
That newspapers long can endure?
Where T.V. most fails
Aside from details
In winter, who'd cover the poor?
--- Irving Superior
Didn't tolerate even Vermouth.
Given that, it's not odd
That he trampled roughshod
Over accuracy and the truth.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
Said, "I'll print any headline I choose."
But a faulty report
Put his ass into court;
Now the poor guy is singing the blues.
--- Tom Patton
Must everyone plan
For the dirty old man
Who only wants female pudenda?
--- Paul Jennings
A lot of newspapers I've got!
I've just got to get
The Beekeepers' Gazette,
And The War Cry and I've got the lot."
--- Frank Richards
And on that idea you expand.
There's nothing you lack,
We won't pat your back,
For there we'd encounter your hand.
--- Ray Hemphill
To inform and control and cajole.
They're brilliant, although,
When they just don't know,
They refer to the wise Gallup Poll.
--- Al Willis TP9802
I'm cancelling CNN News.
The where and the why is
There's so damned much bias,
They're making me puke in my shoes.
--- Anon
All friends suspected the worst,
For over her bed
Was the motto in red:
"The Customer Always Comes First."
--- P8205
This desk can't be left all alone.
Please don't ask why;
I'll just groan and sigh;
The boss has his reasons -- unknown.
--- Marlene Lewis
If you only take three calls a day,
You'll have time to recoup
Rhyming thoughts for this group.
And it's better than getting no pay.
--- Scott Oliver
Even those that gets irate and hollers,
Would, if given a choice,
Much prefer human voice,
To a synthesized one that saves dollars.
--- Scott Oliver
Your spouse doesn't either, we fear.
We don't have an elf.
Please doe it yourself.
Your duty -- it should be quite clear.
--- Marlene Lewis
Don't tell us that you really think
Those things wash themselves,
Then jump on the shelves.
The dishwasher -- use it -- (wink wink).
--- Marlene Lewis
Be tidy! Please make it routine.
If you make a mess,
They you, we will bless
With words that are vaguely obscene.
--- Marlene Lewis
You left it in here -- what a joke.
On Friday it's trash
And is gone in a flash,
'Cause flat moldy coke makes us choke.
--- Marlene Lewis
But after a week, it can't stay.
It's no longer food;
With mold it's accrued.
On Friday we throw it away.
--- Marlene Lewis
Drink up what you've left in the jar.
Don't let it go flat;
Eat, drink, and get fat,
Until you can't fit in your car.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I thought if I ate, then it must
Become full and sweet.
Now, theat would be neat.
But eating results are unjust.
--- Marlene Lewis
And gave it to my good friend Jim.
But he better beware,
'Cause there is food in there,
That's nearly twice as old has him.
--- David Miller
You'll find a rewarding career.
When you reminisce,
We know that you'll miss
All us Dilberts and Wallys back here.
--- Virge
My secretary's prone to misspell.
The boss--he's a loon
Aided by a buffoon,
And that's it, in a simple nutshell.
--- Buckaroo A
By themselves if you're quiet or still.
So my boss thinks I'm working,
My arms I keep jerking.
An unwanted perk! What a thrill!
--- Slugo
Said, "My system for filing's non-risk.
When I get a pile
Of stuff I must file,
It goes into a folder marked, MISC."
--- Brandy Brandon P9406
And right now there's not anybody
That's in a position
To fix this condition.
So, please, may I have off next Friday.
--- Ryan Waldron
But my aunt has said that it was raining
The two days before.
I found out in Ardmore,
So in Huntsville I would up remaining.
--- Ryan Waldron
Perhaps a Kleenex you'll borrow.
If you haven't heard yet,
Or in case you forget,
I will be on vacation tomorrow.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With a pencil tucked behind his ear.
He could whip out a design
Without missing a line.
His drawings were always so clear.
--- Bob Leclerc
They were pleasure to hold in your hands.
So complete and precise;
Oh God! They were nice.
I was one of his ten thousand fans.
--- Bob Leclerc
Of disappearing, is what I do think.
But what can we do
To preserve the last few;
Can we clone them before they're extinct?
--- Bob Leclerc
To determine the course of their fate.
But there's no time to dally,
Let's begin with a tally
Or is it already too late.
--- Bob Leclerc
Are a disgrace to their old Master peers.
We must hold their frail hands
Till they learn do draw plans.
It may take us the rest of our years.
--- Bob Leclerc