A nasty old pressman I knew
Got to hell without much ado.
Satan said, "You have sinned!"
As he devilishly grinned.
"What a press I have waiting for you!"
--- Anon

At the Linotype he was quite new.
Did not know quite what to do.
A careless tight line
Brought a scream, then a whine,
As typemetal spattered his shoe.
--- Anon

I know the man who repairs my shoes;
A dying trade that he would not choose.
When told as a lad
He must follow his dad,
He agreed in case dad blew a fuse!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

When Freddy, the shoemaker, fell,
His output of shoes fell as well.
Said a customer, "Freddy,
Will my shoes soon be ready?"
But Freddy said, "Awl is not well."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2568

A skilled maker of shoes was young Hearst;
When he entered a contest, men cursed.
And they all were aghast
When first prize was for last,
For young Hearst for his last came in first.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2614

Claim tailors in Hong Kong, "We thirsted
To demand all the dollars we dursted.
And the fibers we tested
Have never been bested,
Though several fabrics were worsted."
--- Hugh Clary

An old watchmaker from Anaheim,
Did not have his hands on the time.
If a watch stops today,
One just throws it away.
His watchmaking's now not worth a dime.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A watchmaker, most unorthodox,
Put just half of the works in his clocks.
He said, "None of my clients
Are versed in this science--
They won't know I'm omitting the tocks."
--- Vincent Torre P9406

An industrious weaver from Leeds,
Wove the most beautiful tweeds.
At his loom night and day
He had no time to play,
Or take care of his family's needs.
--- William K Alsop Jr

I'll tell you of Tracy, a weaver,
A considerable under-achiever.
Her woof and her weft
Of fibers bereft,
Caused all of her colleagues to leave her.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A builder who worked at great heights,
Said he enjoyed being there for the sights.
He liked what he saw,
But wished it were more,
Especially through windows at nights!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

When today's newsman opens his yap,
There's no chance of his risking a flap.
The news is biased, so
We're told what we should know.
We've a choice between pap and grand pap.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0409

Of the AM band, I'm a big fan,
And I listen whenever I can.
It's the amplitude (height)
You must modulate right
To make practical radio, man.
--- David

Anchorwomen, not quite the same
As anchormen, play the same game.
Reading news, they don't laugh;
Just a smile that is half
Mona Lisa and half Auntie Mame.
--- Sheila B

The way that I make all my money,
Some people may find rather funny.
On every fresh copy,
While it is still soppy,
I cover mistakes with some honey.
--- Anon

A Swiss guide by the named of Jan Lever
Formed a rescue team with his retriever.
After three months of Fall,
There were no saves at all,
Save the wrapped Daily Zeitung Geneva.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

Damon Runyon thought young men should know
One rule when to manhood they grow:
They should always avoid
Like the plague and typhoid
Fast women and horses that're slow.
--- Warrick Elrod

Anchormen read us the news,
And they don't often give us their views.
They're the first and the last
On each videocast,
Looking dignified, hairpiece to shoes.
--- Anon

A lady advisor/sex sleuth
Concentrates on your moment of truth.
"Too fast? Make it linger
With tongue, toe and finger,"
Comes advice from our own Doctor Ruth.
--- Jane D Hughes P9006

Now don't you go and get all mad,
Take a breath, settle down my lad!
There's hope for you yet,
You just have to get,
Dr. Ruth to lay you, Egad!
--- Anon

That short little woman will teach you
Everything just shy of voodoo.
By the time she gets done,
You'll be number one,
But she'll need a ladder to reach you!
--- Anon

Gagging you scream Dr. Who?
Noo, that's a British sci fi show, turuloo.
Now pay attention,
Dr. Ruth I did mention,
The wild things she'll teach you to do!
--- Anon

Good sex, if you must know the truth,"
Remarked the demure Dr. Ruth,
"Is well sanitized fucking.
The obsession with sucking --
Not only bad taste, but uncouth."
--- Ed Potts P8606

The Tribune posts news on its pages
And features that span all the ages.
So I know a lot more
Than my neighbor next door,
For his Times only lines his bird cages!
--- Beverly Stanislawski

Every Sunday I throw out my back
When I pick up the Tribune's thick stack.
The fat sheets, myriad,
All contain someone's ad,
Without which it would be a mere tract.
--- William N Nesbit

Hugh Hefner's a guy who just brags,
"The Mansion's where fun never lags.
Where the girls and great foods
Satisfy all your moods,
While I keep track of my money bags."
--- Tom Patton P9902

We all know she does like to diet
And at work is never too quiet.
She's a smart-ass hen
Who dabbles in men,
And if spotting a Clairol, she'll buy it.
--- Dick Hull

While at work on a client's behalf,
We would stop while she made us all laugh.
And it's no rumor,
Her sense of humor
Will surely delight her new staff!
--- Dick Hull

In La Belle France, if one wished to rate,
And nobility wasn't his fate,
He could happily catch
A job with "Paris Match",
Then apply to join the Fourth Estate.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh

Though John would keep writing OP ED,
They never would print what he said.
John deeply deplored
His being ignored,
So next time he wrote to "hOP hEaD."
--- Irving Superior

Of newspaper moguls, the worst:
Tyrannical William R. Hearst.
Drove Unions insane
While brow-beating Kane.
Oh, Happy the day Hearst was hearsed.
--- Irving Superior

The N.Y. Times staff does a stint
Which requires them to practice a squint,
Which ensures that these sages,
In these days and ages,
Won't see "All of the News Fit to Print".
--- Loren C Fitzhugh

I'm of filth such a dogged acquirer;
Of privacy no lame admirer,
That I'm pleased to announce
I'm ready to pounce!
I've been hired by the National Enquirer!!
--- Anon

This is file igm

Since newspapers sometimes surprise
The names of the ones who demise,
I next read the weather,
Deciding on whether
To roll up, and start swatting flies.
--- Irving Superior

With T.V. around, who is sure
That newspapers long can endure?
Where T.V. most fails
Aside from details
In winter, who'd cover the poor?
--- Irving Superior

William R. Hearst, of ethics uncouth,
Didn't tolerate even Vermouth.
Given that, it's not odd
That he trampled roughshod
Over accuracy and the truth.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh

An editor by the name of Hughes
Said, "I'll print any headline I choose."
But a faulty report
Put his ass into court;
Now the poor guy is singing the blues.
--- Tom Patton

All newspaper boardroom agenda i

Must everyone plan
For the dirty old man
Who only wants female pudenda?
--- Paul Jennings

Rupert Murdoch, with glee, shouted "What
A lot of newspapers I've got!
I've just got to get
The Beekeepers' Gazette,
And The War Cry and I've got the lot."
--- Frank Richards

You're the wisest of wise in the land,
And on that idea you expand.
There's nothing you lack,
We won't pat your back,
For there we'd encounter your hand.

(conservative pundit asshole in the States, 1990's)
--- Ray Hemphill

The media thinks it's their role
To inform and control and cajole.
They're brilliant, although,
When they just don't know,
They refer to the wise Gallup Poll.
--- Al Willis TP9802

In choosing the views I peruse,
I'm cancelling CNN News.
The where and the why is
There's so damned much bias,
They're making me puke in my shoes.
--- Anon

Of the mistress of W. Randolf Hearst,
All friends suspected the worst,
For over her bed
Was the motto in red:
"The Customer Always Comes First."
--- P8205

I sit here to answer the phone.
This desk can't be left all alone.
Please don't ask why;
I'll just groan and sigh;
The boss has his reasons -- unknown.
--- Marlene Lewis

Now Marty, look at it this way:
If you only take three calls a day,
You'll have time to recoup
Rhyming thoughts for this group.
And it's better than getting no pay.
--- Scott Oliver

And besides, I think most of the callers,
Even those that gets irate and hollers,
Would, if given a choice,
Much prefer human voice,
To a synthesized one that saves dollars.
--- Scott Oliver

Your Mama, she doesn't work here.
Your spouse doesn't either, we fear.
We don't have an elf.
Please doe it yourself.
Your duty -- it should be quite clear.
--- Marlene Lewis

Please don't put your dish in the sink.
Don't tell us that you really think
Those things wash themselves,
Then jump on the shelves.
The dishwasher -- use it -- (wink wink).
--- Marlene Lewis

Please! Please help keep our lunch room clean.
Be tidy! Please make it routine.
If you make a mess,
They you, we will bless
With words that are vaguely obscene.
--- Marlene Lewis

You drank half a can of your coke.
You left it in here -- what a joke.
On Friday it's trash
And is gone in a flash,
'Cause flat moldy coke makes us choke.
--- Marlene Lewis

Food in the fridge is good today,
But after a week, it can't stay.
It's no longer food;
With mold it's accrued.
On Friday we throw it away.
--- Marlene Lewis

Oh waste not and want not, dear Mar,
Drink up what you've left in the jar.
Don't let it go flat;
Eat, drink, and get fat,
Until you can't fit in your car.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The only thing flat is my bust.
I thought if I ate, then it must
Become full and sweet.
Now, theat would be neat.
But eating results are unjust.
--- Marlene Lewis

I bought Marty's fridge on a whim,
And gave it to my good friend Jim.
But he better beware,
'Cause there is food in there,
That's nearly twice as old has him.
--- David Miller

We're hoping at your new frontier,
You'll find a rewarding career.
When you reminisce,
We know that you'll miss
All us Dilberts and Wallys back here.
--- Virge

My office is straight out of Hell.
My secretary's prone to misspell.
The boss--he's a loon
Aided by a buffoon,
And that's it, in a simple nutshell.
--- Buckaroo A

In my office the lights will go nil
By themselves if you're quiet or still.
So my boss thinks I'm working,
My arms I keep jerking.
An unwanted perk! What a thrill!
--- Slugo

A new secretary, Jane Fisk,
Said, "My system for filing's non-risk.
When I get a pile
Of stuff I must file,
It goes into a folder marked, MISC."
--- Brandy Brandon P9406

My great-aunt's eaves are untidy,
And right now there's not anybody
That's in a position
To fix this condition.
So, please, may I have off next Friday.
--- Ryan Waldron

I'm not in the least bit complaining,
But my aunt has said that it was raining
The two days before.
I found out in Ardmore,
So in Huntsville I would up remaining.
--- Ryan Waldron

I hate to instill you with sorrow;
Perhaps a Kleenex you'll borrow.
If you haven't heard yet,
Or in case you forget,
I will be on vacation tomorrow.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I once knew an old Engineer
With a pencil tucked behind his ear.
He could whip out a design
Without missing a line.
His drawings were always so clear.
--- Bob Leclerc

You could build from his first set of plans;
They were pleasure to hold in your hands.
So complete and precise;
Oh God! They were nice.
I was one of his ten thousand fans.
--- Bob Leclerc

Such Masters are right on the brink
Of disappearing, is what I do think.
But what can we do
To preserve the last few;
Can we clone them before they're extinct?
--- Bob Leclerc

We could hold universal debate
To determine the course of their fate.
But there's no time to dally,
Let's begin with a tally
Or is it already too late.
--- Bob Leclerc

This new breed they call Engineers
Are a disgrace to their old Master peers.
We must hold their frail hands
Till they learn do draw plans.
It may take us the rest of our years.
--- Bob Leclerc