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When the shower is where I'm residing, Today's auto dealer we hail. (wot - to have knowledge of)
The baker said, "Sorry, you guys. A seller of cars in Duluth While shopping for footwear unique, When I took my first job in a store, The butcher said, "Madam, don't shout There once was a woman from Redding, I find that by adding a knob, There was a car salesman named Neville, At the Market, the best line for me This new job -- oh my heart, how it soars! A couple named Raylene and Waylon, A publishing expert named Vann Lost their lease? Read the print that is fine. A young girl came to live in Vancouver; There was a young fellow from Wapping Hey, wait, don't be in such a rush, If you have some cash you would shell, I also have one piece of china For your sale, now what can I say? So alas I have nothing to sell, There's a Jot 'Em Down Store in GA; She's out dear. I'm holding the fort. Indeed! You don't say? Well I'm blowed! ...The way to the top of the house, Now don't tell me, please, that you're shocked. A realtor said, "Make no mistake, He purchased a stone manuscript, There once was an Indian prince, A travelling salesman called Lloyd A HUCKSTER oft calls on the phone Oh, the slick salesman, the HUCKSTER, HUCKSTERS call at inopportune times, On incoming mail, pick your pest. There was a car dealer named Slickback, On TV, I saw "Honest Jack"; The shopping malls have me in stitches, A modern young lady called Rita, A chic chick from Milan, Italy, The company that I now work for, The milkman did not care a bit It seems, every day without fail, When those Pepsi folks offered the Harrier, (Pepsi joked get enough points for a Harrier)
If your brain is abnormally weak, (sales pitch for board game)
To his wife, said a salesman named Jack, "Good day, Mr Ogg, my name's Jenny, "Hi Jenny, you really sound cute, "No sir, but we offer you scores "I'll get a designer to call, "Then sir, how about this wall coat...?" "...Well, maybe I'll come see your prick, The "50% off" amd "lowest price," Said the real estate customer, leering, Local real estate agent John Dorr A hard-working salesman named Dave When you're shopping to carpet your riches, Hey folks, don't you think it's a bitch, An insurance salesman named Flint, A little Girl Scout sold some cookies, A dear old man, Archibald Soames, An old man at a church rummage sale In protest, I raise this small poster: There's tales told from Hove to Hoboken, For those who have not heard the phrase: Young Charlie has boots way too tight.
With soap and water delighting,
Then of all things,
The telephone rings;
They're selling aluminum siding.
--- Tom Patton P9611
He gives us back cash on each sale.
A pauper we wot of
Bought Audis, a lot of,
And put his twelve children through Yale.
--- Jennifer Young P8805
Your sweethearts aren't telling you lies;
They find it real nice
That beaten down twice,
My loaf still continues to rise."
--- John Miller
Would first get his man in a booth
By swearing they had
The cars in the ad,
Before he starts bending the truth.
--- Irving Superior P9709
Into a French Boutique I peek;
The salesman said, "Mind,
This pair's one of a kind!
I've sold at least thirty this week."
Day by day I picked up more and more.
Looking back on my life
With a child and a wife,
Life is good but those days were a bore.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
How my partner's a lecherous lout,
'Cause he plays with his wurst
And pounds his meat first,
Thinking only, bone in and bone out."
--- John Miller
Who decided to shop for some bedding.
Her reason, "I say
When I hit the hay,
I want something that will not be shedding."
--- Keera A Fox
At the end, and making it throb,
I increased my sales.
But even this quales
To the zest, testing adds to my job.
--- John Miller
Who felt that he was a young devil.
As his sales figures soared,
They weren't all above board.
He wished he could sell on the level.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Is the one where no check writers be.
In a humorous flash
I asked, "Do you take cash?"
Said the clerk, "Yes, with proper I.D."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9811
Satisfaction -- fresh ways it explores.
I've the world in my pocket,
Top career, (don't you knock it),
I'm a door to door salesman, for doors.
--- Doug Harris P0604
Were particularly partial to Draylon.
They went to Levine's
To squander their means,
For they had a half-price Draylon sale on.
--- Maxine Stephen
Explaining his two-for-one plan,
"By selling half price,
We'll sell more than twice
Our revised Encyclo Britan."
--- Irving Superior P8503
For example, consider this sign:
"WE WILL BOARD UP OUR DOOR
TODAY PROMPTLY AT FOUR!
(And then open tomorrow at nine)."
--- William N Nesbit P9709
A change from her home town of Suva.
She spoke English so well,
A commercial bombshell,
She became a saleslady for Hoover.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who found two live slugs in his shopping.
The girl at the till
Took them both off the bill
And went on to the next without stopping.
--- Michael Palin
(I'd better say this with a hush...);
Remember that lad,
He didn't do bad --
The ladies sure loved Fuller's brush.
--- Anon
I have a good mattress to sell;
It outlasted three
Great husbands (dear me!);
They're off it -- but not their sweet smell!
--- Anon
That once was a gift from Aunt Ina;
A vase for fresh flowers
Which she used for hours
To thrust in her lonely vagina.
--- Gertrude Pippin
These days I must give it away.
But when I was younger,
I could rip them asunder.
Thank goodness they liked it that way.
--- Anon
Unless it is talent, ah well.
That's all gone to pot,
So that is my lot;
I'm done now so please ring the bell.
--- Anon
What they sell there, I couldn't say.
Perhaps there's some cheese,
And stuff from the freeze,
Or a pizza that's baked on a tray.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Come in, sit you down, have a port.
Then you can be telling
Just what you are selling.
Is it Tupperware? Things of that sort?
--- Tiddy Ogg
You say this stuff's all al a mode?
What's VPL? Yes,
Can't be seen 'neath the dress.
I think, dear, it's time that I showed...
--- Tiddy Ogg
When this, clearly seen trough my trous-
Ers shows you it's stuff,
It's sure pleased enough
Young fillies, fair ewes, and old cows.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I'm not one to go off half cocked.
If you wear such garm-
Ents, hoping to charm,
It's a damn certain bet, you'll get focked!
--- Tiddy Ogg
Your property's no piece of cake.
It is rottenly sited
In a district that's blighted,
So give it away, for my sake!"
--- X Rowland Burnham P8512
Purportedly found in a crypt.
After weeks he had waited
To have it translated,
On rock it was chipped, "You've been gypped!"
--- Lim-R-iddle P8503
Sold hot dogs for ninety-nine cents.
His green card in detail
Reads "Marketing - Retail":
It's a Quickee-Mart for his Eminence!
--- S Ross T9801
Was known as a man to avoid.
The horrified stares
As he showed off his wares
Was a sight that he clearly enjoyed
--- Michael Palin
To refinance my mortgage loan,
Or say, "You're a winner!"
While I'm eating dinner
Or in the bathroom on the throne!
--- Observer
Would have us see an "aw, shuckster"
Whose only object:
To help collect
The biggest bang for the buckster.
--- Daniel Ford
This is file iem
I get mad...my blood pressure climbs,
But what I most hate,
And makes me irate,
Is...when I'm composing my rhymes.
--- Observer
"Our credit card company's best."
"Our HMO's got..."
"Our burial plot..."
"Donate and your soul will be blest."
--- Irving Superior P9611
Who sold a big car to young Rickback.
Then from goodness of heart,
A bank loan he did start,
And the bank gave dear Slickback a kickback.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2795
With lying, the guy had a knack.
"It's a low mileage car;
Two percent APR."
And the best lie of all is "cash back."
--- Al Willis P9709
With what I call "Holiday Glitches";
There's no separation
In their decoration
Of Christmas trees, turkeys, and witches.
--- Travis Brasell
Buys ribbon and cloth by the meter.
She get bacon and ham
Weighed out by the gram
And orders her milk by the liter.
--- W A Dodd
Says, "Vat ees all zees talk of debris?
I shop teel I drop --
Ess a million a pop --
At zee Boutique Oleg Cassini."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Is kicking half of us out the door.
Sales are so sparse,
We're out on our arse,
Unless orders return again once more.
--- Funny Bone
When cold spells his milk truck did hit.
Though the bottles did shatter
He said, "It's no matter,
I don't cry over milk that is split."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2450
Many catalogs come in the mail.
And I order with greed
Things I don't even need,
And I don't even wait for a sale!
--- Cap'n Bean P9812
Getting points wasn't even a barrier.
Now my order is placed
And I'm waiting, in haste,
For the battleship, sub, and the carrier!
--- Limerick Man
Avoid like the plague, "Limerique";
For that Merry new game
Will soon put you to shame,
When to solve its hard problems you seek.
--- Limerique P0506
"I'll be gone for a month, so I'll pack.
But if I should appear
While I'm gone, be a dear
And please hold me until I get back."
--- Al Chaplin P9408
From Bowater Zenith. How many
Fine windows, twin-glazed,
Would you like replaced,
And maybe you'll not pay for any?"
--- Anon
I reckon you must be a beaut.
Are you sitting nude,
And thinking thoughts lewd,
Of playing a tune on my flute?"
--- Anon
Of porches and plastic front doors."
"Now Jenny, don't tease;
Come over here, please;
We'll have a fine romp on the floor."
--- Anon
To show the designs of them all..."
"No Jen, just we two,
Can find things to do,
Stripped naked, I'll give you a maul."
--- Anon
"Oh get here, and fondle my scrote;
I bet that you're pining
For hot sixty-nining;
My pecker would tickle your throat."
--- Anon
But with me I'll bring my friend Rick.
He'll crush up your nuts,
Stuff your head up your butt,
Since he's built like a shithouse of brick."
--- Anon
Will thrifty folk often entice,
Who face each tempter
With "caveat emptor,"
And read all the small printing twice.
--- Irving Superior P9709
To the hard working agent, Miss Deering,
"How much will you delete
For this deal to complete."
She said, "All but my shoes and my earrings."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0506
Wins no prizes for best realtor;
Though he dresses in style
And can flash a big smile,
Elevator won't go to top floor.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Who at work did always behave
Is no more for hire,
And will now retire
From the job to which he's a slave.
--- Dick Hull
Do watch for the rug dealer's pitches.
The price of the shag
Will depend on the tag --
That's unless he has got you in stitches.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
When a con-artist comes, tries to stitch
You up? Chuck some tar
Over him and his car,
And say "That's a proper sales pitch."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Said with a satisfied squint,
"Don't try to collect;
You ought to have checked.
I excluded that clause in small print."
--- Charles Barsotti
But didn't keep very good bookies.
Folks who promised to pay,
In the night stole away,
And the little girl got treated like crookies.
--- Warrick Elrod
Was a maker of wee garden gnomes.
He sold them at places
Where folks had kind faces,
To make sure they all got good homes.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Told his wife, "Common sense must prevail!"
Then the crazy old coot
Bought a seersucker suit,
And six liters of stale ginger ale.
--- Observer TP9901
The Market's a mad roller-coaster;
Though the prices go higher,
Some stocks find a buyer--
The Board just won't act like it's sposter.
--- Norm Storer
And usually by sailors they're spoken,
Of man leaving lover,
Much cash to discover,
And leaving some old broken token.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Some item is split 'fore he strays;
One half's in her locket,
The rest in his pocket,
As sign they'll meet in future days.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And just before sailing that night,
Those boots he will drop
At the cobbler's shop.
Sees the daughter...It's love at first sight.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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