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When the bough breaks on the tree, Once as I sat in a chair, In my effort to change the flat tire, There was a Westender named Sloan There was a young lady of Ealing, The burner was glowing all blue A one-handed sailor named Lee, When logging I had a long climb Young Thomas invited disaster A woman whose habits were slack; The crossing guard gave dirty looks, A young Pole who was traveling in Spain "I felt pain as I stepped on a tack, An optimist, living in Dachet, I once knew a man with a saw, There once was a man called John Dale As the strongman, you marry, and dern ya, A very thin woman named Wrangel I'm no longer sure of my gender, There once was a man called Nick, While looking for someone to love, If you have an accident, prone, There was an old man from Bombay An aquarium keeper named Frank So accident prone was young Sy, Phrenologist Snerd once was heard A sensitive woman from Quick There was a young poet named Hallett There was a young man from Lorraine An impatient young gardener named Vetter There was a young lady from Gloucester An accident victim named Pete A freak accident while he was drunk; One spring, sitting in a chair, There once was a young man called Dick Children with burns are so sad! I lifted a heavy contraption As one of those weightlifting chaps, To cross streets in London's a fright. There was an old fellow of Spain, There was a young rider named Keith; There was a young cowboy named Greer, (no accident, they did it a-purpose - Booger Red)
Gus Gardiner missed the pink hues There once was a butcher named Pinner There was a young fellow of Spain In the hot tub with dear Susi Que, A sleepy old fellow named Lucky, A little old man, name of Daryl, The number one accident prone -- There was a young gal from Montana We once knew a girl named Dolores, A young man with a fine set of balls While traveling in farthest Tibet, A curious man named Gore Resulting condition, SEQUELA, The cowboy shook out a big loop While walking the path 'round Lake Anna, Two timorous duellists of Sark Never again shall I hunt An unfortunate dumb mute from Kew, My God! How could something so skinny, This Joe was so accident prone, While pondering equations reducible, There was an old man of Manteca, There was an old man of Vancouver A pretty young waitress called Glenda, I explained to my favorite pimp
The baby will fall, don't you see?
So please use your head,
Put the kid in a bed.
I give this advice all for free.
--- Al Willis P9512
When, to my greatest despair,
There was a small crack;
I am flat on my back,
As I lie here in intensive care.
--- Kristen Lindsey
I should have relied on a squire.
With one mighty grip,
I pulled and then slipped.
I now feel my finger on fire.
--- Zekow TP9804
Who was very much accident prone.
He tripped on his lace,
Fell down flat on his face,
Felt stupid with a broken jaw-bone.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who walked up and down on the ceiling;
She shouted: "Oh Heck!
I've broken my neck,
And it is a peculiar feeling."
--- Anon
On the stove of my friend, Mary Lou,
When she backed up her ass
To the flame from the gas,
And up to the ceiling she flew!
--- Cap'n Bean P9901
Asked his mate for a good place to pee.
Said the mate, "Find a nook,
But don't use your hook,
For we need every man, you'll agree."
--- S A Latham
To the top of an old Scots Pine.
I was going to trim
An outstanding limb,
But instead I have just chopped off mine.
--- Tony Burrell
By running downstairs even faster.
He tripped and he fell
With a shriek and a yell.
Now he's totally covered in plaster.
--- Funfax Limericks
Of judgment, displayed quite a lack.
Once, not taking good care,
Laid her pen on a chair,
And suffered a Bic in her crack.
--- Bob Giandomenico
While he yelled, "Good grief and gadzooks,"
As the speeding dumb schmuck
Struck the girl with his truck.
"You've scattered her pencils and books!"
--- Jumping Jack
Was cut clean in two, by a train.
The ass-half did sue
For a million or two,
For that was the seat of his brain.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0620
In response I took one full step back.
Now that's dumb on a ladder...
Should have seen the paint spatter,
Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack"
--- Bob Birch P0010
Attempted to shave with a hatchet.
When his nose he did sever,
He exclaimed, "Now I'll never
Have nasal catarrh; I can't catch it."
--- Anon
That flew up and sliced off his jaw.
Then it cut off his nose,
And all ten of his toes,
And the tits of his mother-in law.
--- Bob Birch P0107
Who pissed on the Tube's central rail.
The electric volt
Gave him such a jolt,
It rendered him somewhat less male.
--- Donald McGill
It's the fat lady. This ought to learn ya."
Said Barnum. "With kisses
You lift up the misses
At the threshold and bust out a hernia.
--- A N Wilkins P8711
Got caught in a powerful mangle,
And emerging like oodles
Of slippery noodles,
She made herself hard to untangle.
--- Limber Limericks
Since the night I went out on a bender.
I wrecked up the car
When I left from the bar;
From my groin they removed that darn fender.
--- Anon
Who had an enormous prick
In his finger one day,
But it soon went away,
For his skin was a thick as a brick.
--- Zebedee
Cupid gave him a shove
In front of a truck.
He got banged up, poor fuck!
What could he have been thinking of.
--- Writerman
Just lie on the roadway and moan.
Do not move your neck
And later expect
A whiplash lawyer to phone.
--- Irving Superior P9404
Who fell sound asleep in the hay.
And when he awoke
He reached for a smoke,
But his hand had been eaten away.
--- Lims Unlimited
While pissing fell into a tank.
Cried a girl who was viewing:
"Gad what is he doing?
He let go a pink fish as he sank!"
--- G2014
That he poked a long stick in his eye.
Then he tripped on the hose,
Ran a nail up his nose,
And swallowed a dirty horse fly
--- Bob Birch P0302
Uttering a scatological word.
He fell out of bed;
Now the bumps on his head
Frame his brain into that of a nerd.
--- Paul Niquette
Was hit on the head by a brick;
The force and the shock
Made half her head tock,
When the other half started to tick.
--- Limber Limericks
Whose poems did tickle the palate.
His desire to create
Did commence from the date
He was struck on the head with a mallet.
--- Albin Chaplin
Who was hoisted aloft by a crane.
His screams went unheard
Except by a bird,
Which was busy migrating to Spain.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Sought a fast way to make his plants wetter.
But a spring for the spring
Put his arm in a sling;
Perhaps a hose would have been better.
--- M Houts
Whose parents thought they had lost her.
From the fridge came a sound
And at last she was found;
The trouble was how to defrost her.
--- Asher
Slipped badly on ice in the street;
It bashed in the walls
Of both of his balls,
And scraped all the meat off his seat.
--- Armand Singer
He stumbled over a trunk.
While his head hit the ground,
There was this frightening sound,
Reverberating somewhat like KLUNK....klunk.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
This is file hnm
And to my greatest despair,
With one little crack
I was flat on my back,
And lying in Intensive Care.
--- Kristen Lindsey
Who gave a hard kick to a brick.
Now what do you know,
Dick injured his toe,
And is hobbling around with a stick.
--- Anon
Sometimes you even get mad!
You ask the Lord, "Why?"
As you watch them cry,
But answers are just never had.
--- Maggie
And now my poor back in in traction.
I get myself off
When I sneeze or I cough,
But I still can't get no satisfaction.
--- Aussie Owl
I suffer the strangest mishaps
The twang I once felt
When lifting sans belt,
Was gonads replacing kneecaps.
--- SFA
The end of your life is in sight.
Your ass will be plastered
By some limey bastard
Because you looked left and not right.
--- Theo M Heller P9503 A
Whose leg was cut off by a train.
When his friends said, "How sad!"
He replied, "I am glad,
For I've now lost my varicose veins."
--- Linda Marsh Coll
In an mishap, he lost all his teeth.
His friends said he was plucky,
He said he was lucky,
At least he did not need a wreath.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Kicked twice in the head by a steer.
His sense of direction
Has lost all connection,
Now he can't get from there back to here.
--- W Haskins
Of occasional toes he would lose,
But he still never thought to
Resolve that he ought to
Start cutting the grass wearing shoes.
--- David A Brooks
Who sliced bacon for everyone's dinner.
But two close did he lean
To the bacon machine...
Now Pinner's a little bit thinner.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Whose leg was cut off by a train.
When his friends said, "How sad!"
He replied, "I am glad
For I have now lost my varicose vein."
--- Myler Magrath P0607
After beer and some pork barbecue,
I was knocked on the head,
And would have been dead,
But she called the emergency crew.
--- Bob Birch P9809
While filling a tub in Kentucky,
Dozed off as the water
Grew hotter and hotter,
And melted his poor rubber duckie.
--- Cyber Geezer
Went over the falls in a barrel,
Lived through it somehow,
Except that he's now
A little old lady named Carol.
--- Anon
He lives with a black cat alone;
'Neath ladders he'll go,
Goes faster than slow,
Has no 911 on his phone.
--- Irving Superior P9404
Who did not see the banana.
She skidded ten feet
And the sidewalk did meet,
And now she can't play the piano.
--- Reminisce P9310
Who most of the time she just bored us.
But she slipped on a pear,
Did a split like Astaire,
And now all she does is ignore us.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was scratching them in a barn stall.
The animals there
All stopped and they'd stare
At the pitchfork, that on he did fall.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Lord Irongate found cause to regret
The buttered-up tea,
A pain in his knee,
And the frivolous tourists he met.
--- Edward Gorey
Caught part of his head in a door.
When he came back next week,
With his wife, who was Greek,
He found it, still there on the floor.
--- Michael Palin
May come to overeager fellah
Who, quick to his knees.
Does now take his ease,
While healing a broken patella.
--- Daniel Ford
And snared the mean bull with a whoop.
He took in the slack
And snap went his back...
He's known around town as "Ol' Stoop".
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
I slipped on a rotten banana.
I got quite a bruise
And ruined my muse,
So there won't be no more 'till manana.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Declined to shoot in the dark.
When their wives did instead,
Each turned her head,
And was left with a buttock pock-marked.
--- Anon
While I'm walking in the front.
A drunk man behind me,
Rather trigger happy,
Shot me in the arse to be blunt.
--- Anon
Was trying out signs that were new.
He did them so fast
That his fingers at last
Got tangled and fractured a few.
--- L Untermeyer
Hurt so much while it's going in me?
And then make me shout
Again on the way out?
I'm talking 'bout splinters you ninny!
--- Anon
Already five airbags have blown.
At the junk yard, "Hi, Joe.
This time a free tow."
State Farm will not answer its phone.
--- Irving Superior P9404
A chemist knocked over a crucible.
This caused quite a flap
For it spilled in his lap,
And rendered him irreproducible.
--- Edward P Hughes
Whose wife was sucked up the Eureka.
He said, "There's some doubt
If she'll ever come out,
But I trust if she does, she'll be meeker."
--- Arthur Deex
Whose wife got sucked into the Hoover.
He said, "There's some doubt
If she's more in than out,
But whichever it is, I can't move her."
--- Cyril Fletcher
Was a flower of the feminine gender,
Till one day, by mistake,
She made cherry milkshake
By catching her tits in the blender.
--- Michael Horgan
That I am by no means a wimp;
It was just a sore knee
Caused my brief chastity,
For "to limp" ain't the same as "too limp."
--- Norm Storer P9806
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