The response of a whore from Dundee
To enquiries concerning her fee,
Was, "Frontways - one pound,
But the other way 'round
Costs a fiver -- besides VAT.
(VAT - value added tax)
Mates, I met her in Venezueler; Dashed upstairs on two rubber-like knees; Multilingual, indeed was this cookie; Tattoos I could see ev'ry where; From her head flowed such long jet-black hair; Such a muff! I'd say Que Magnifique! I unrolled my bell-bottoms -- kerplunk! Squeezin' tits and a-smoochin' this queen, She'd an odor the average sailor Still, my fingers did try out for size, My libido had suffered great harm, Tell ya, shipmates, I still get cold sweat, A thoughtless old man name of Beck At the brothel, a man from Djibouti A colostomy patient, Miss Clyde, One look at the whore of Bombay In her state-approved whorehouse, Miss Smutches, There once was a sailor named Biddle, A handicapped hooker named Rose A state-controlled brothel in Natchez I once wandered into the city On viewing the haarlot from Kootenay, A miserly man named MacGregor A peglegged lady named Lunt There once was a whore named Remorse, There's a destitute maiden in Butte; At the brothel the other day, It's 'cause teen's still have firm tits, There was an old man somewhat foggy, A whore who lived down by the pier If Charlotte the harlot sneaks in, A whorehouse of virgins runs Drew.
This is file hhm
However, sheepherders now sue; A Latin Amish boy named Jorje; "I can't take this horse for a trick!" Sixty-nine was Madam Lik's room; Now it was just O'Grady and Jorje; In Hawaii I love to carouse Just back from New York, Cowpoke Bellows If you want relief that's tip-top, The whorehouse burned down in a flash, There is a house in New Orleans The whole town is thrown in a tizzy; Judge Hemp and Reverend Lockjaw; A hookerhouse keeper named Morehouse If running a brothel's for you A badly shocked prostitute Purvis A bum thought he'd burgle a beauty The County checks "rugs" on each whore, You wonderful rapscalious lug, There once was a girl from the chorus Said the billionaire Sir Thomas Mohr, In Amsterdam, city of glass, (While wives lots of titters amass.)
A brothel inspector, undauntin', When the clients are more than a few, The whorehouse of Madam Elias Whatever your pleasure, just try us.
The Chief of the mighty Sioux Nation Whenever police pressure eased, A senile old fellow named Sears In their ads a whorehouse in Peru Now once I had cause for recourse, With marketing wisdom astute, Sweet innocent little Miss Frome A naughty old colonel of Butte, In a bawdy house west of Fort Hays, To his wife wrote a G.I. named Chape:
--- Anon
From her window she sang out: "Hey sailor!
I will toss you my key;
Come on up and make free";
Her low, husky voice meant I'd nail her!
--- Allen Wolverton
I had been far too long on the seas!;
Jammed the key in her lock,
Her door swung, as her frock
Was a-sliding down, doin' slow tease!
--- Allen Wolverton
Cosmopolitan, this was no rookie;
Her dark eyes, oh, so lewd,
Looked straight at me; she cooed:
"Quisiera usted etwas nookie?"
--- Allen Wolverton
Flotilla insignias, I swear;
Some lettered Cyrillic,
For memories idyllic;
Plus heiroglyph marks here and there!
--- Allen Wolverton
But with food -- cookies stuck here and there;
From her armpits, there grew,
Spanish moss, all black too;
And - good heavens - a bush 'round her snare!
--- Allen Wolverton
I could picture it brushing my cheek!
Deeply nested were lips
You don't find on board ships;
In that jungle, they played "hide and seek!"
--- Allen Wolverton
And I took a long leap to her bunk;
But I had to agree
To an outrageous fee,
Pony up or I'd not be her hunk!
--- Allen Wolverton
I soon noticed, she wasn't pristeen;
On her armpits and muff,
Hairs stuck out, sticky tough;
Vegetation was not very clean!
--- Allen Wolverton
Would expect to find just on a whaler;
Something wrong where one tinkles;
Plus grime in her wrinkles;
One whiff! My complexion got paler!
--- Allen Wolverton
That incredible bush 'tween her thighs;
I found something - oh shit!
That's too big for a clit!
'Twas my Venezuela surprise!
--- Allen Wolverton
As I ran for my life from her charm;
Didn't take time to dress;
Dashed downstairs, I confess,
With my bell-bottoms clutched 'neath one arm!
--- Allen Wolverton
When I think 'bout that rental love-pet;
Lads, ignore a low voice;
Better pass up that choice;
What you see may not be what you get!
--- Allen Wolverton
Was raping a whore in Quebec.
She complained in dismay,
"I'm a whore! You must pay!"
So when finished, he wrote her a check.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1441
Took his pick of the harlots, a cutie.
But the madam said, "Nay,
For the union rules say
You will have to take age before beauty.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1493
First despaired, they she took it in stride.
She still peddled coition
In the supine position,
But she made a lot more on the side.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2950
Would turn a man ashen and gray.
The mere sag of her tits
Gives strong men the fits,
And she carries her cunt on a tray.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G1747
Was trapped by the Fair Practice clutches.
She was forced by priorities
To use whores from minorities,
And handicapped cripples on crutches.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1664
Whose prick was split right down the middle.
An old whore named Meg,
Who'd only one leg,
Found Biddle a most filling diddle!
--- H Welchel
Was missing some parts, Heaven knows!
She lacked cunt and arms,
But with girlish charms,
She jerked off her johns with her toes.
--- Armand Singer P9804
Was ruled by Fair Practice dispatches.
You would get by priorities,
Worn out whores from minorities
Or old harlots with handicapped snatches.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1616
In search of a whore who was pretty.
But the best I could find
Had a skinny behind,
And lacked any semblance of titty.
--- Norm Storer P0011
The soldiers had threatened a mutiny.
But it came out all right
When she turned out the light,
For she could not withstand a close scrutiny.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2891
Scrimped so that he looked like a beggar,
And at Madam MacCoozy,
He would have a cheap floozy,
Which she saved him, the one-eyed peglegger.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1593
Could always sell plenty of cunt.
It was not by deceit
That she peddled her meat,
But by putting her best leg in front.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1589
Who boasted of her skills, (well of course!)
Her sex was one kind,
Always from behind,
'Cause up front she was hung like a horse!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
By repute, a hirsute and a snoot
Little substitute fruit
For the mute prostitute,
Who is dissolute, cute, and astute.
--- Limber Limericks
There was a protest underway.
The girls said it's unfair,
They can't get their share,
When the teenagers give it away.
--- Puff Adder
And their pussies are still tight fits.
Now why should I pay
For a snatch that's passe,
When I can have her who babysits.
--- S C Saint
Who fucked an old harlot so scroggy,
Then he asked the old hag
To put some in a bag,
And he took a piece home for his doggy.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8511
Had clap since the first of the year.
The sailors were wise
And avoided her thighs,
So she winked them all off for a beer.
--- David Miller
She'll promptly strip down to her skin
In hope there's a lay
In the Y.M.C.A.,
But Man, on a Sunday, that's SIN!
--- Grand Prix Lim 886
He'll transplant a hymen for you.
He gets them from sheep
While they're still asleep,
And you get the ultimate screw.
--- Irving Superior P9205
A problem for whoremonger Drew.
But business goes on --
Imports from Taiwan.
I can't tell the difference. Can you?
--- Irving Superior P9205
Strolled right into town for a lay;
He asked Madam Lik,
For a real bearded chick,
Then gave her his horse for pay.
--- Frosty
Jorje pointed to the size of his dick;
The madam, she blushed,
The parlor got hushed,
"Go to room sixty-nine, really quick."
--- Frosty
The air smelled like whore-ish perfume;
Then a true bearded lady,
Who's name was O'Grady,
Locked the door, to seal in his doom,
--- Frosty
He saddled, slapped her ass and said "Neigh!"
In true Amish fashion,
Gave a true Amish bashin',
Then finished with a Latin OLE!
--- Frosty
(The proverbial cat's-away mouse)
Since Don Ho is my friend,
I usually spend
A night or two at the Ho house.
--- Arthur Deex P9411
Was asked by the other ranch fellows
What he did while away...
"Boys," he said, "Every day
I kept pokin' around them bordellos!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 577
And it needs to happen chop-chop;
Try 'Brothels-R-Us';
They're right near the bus.
They'll soon make your 'flip-flop' drip-drop.
--- David Miller Q
From cigarettes thrown in the trash;
But one whore decided
To stay and confided:
"My clients can come up my ash!"
--- Travis Brasell
Where men of impeccable miens
Would schedule sessions
And trust the discretion
Of the madam's fair Evangelines.
--- Dr Limerick
'Cause the FBI agents were busy
Compiling lists
Of those adulterists --
And their wives think "He's not on it, is he?"
--- Dr Limerick
A brothel they owned, although scofflaw;
In the church those lil' fans
People held in their hands,
Had ads printed; called it a 'dance-hall.'
--- Anon
Remarked, as he entered my whorehouse,
"There's whores up in MY house,
But it's such a high house,
I'll buy a cheap lay here in your house."
--- Grand Prix Lim 980
Keeping records is easy to do.
You never need worry
About inventory.
Just count tits--and divide by two.
--- Theo Heller P9204
Said, "This racket today makes me nervous.
Guys who once just dropped in
For a spot of quick sin,
Now demand we supply them curb service.
--- Grand Prix Lim 596
From the cat-house where he'd catch a cutie.
He paid for his pains
With a set of strong chains,
Then was detailed to dirty towel duty.
--- Chris Papa
For things which hop off on the floor;
Then each week Billy Bob
From the Health Board will lob
A bug-bomb right in the front door!
--- Anon
For this one I'll give you a hug!
My mind fairly boggles
While 'something' up-toggles
When thinking 'bout laying that rug!
--- Anon
Whose virtue was known to be porous.
She started by dandling,
And ended by handling
The whole clientele of a whorehouse.
--- L1000
Who for two sons had something in store.
"Boys don't you get nervous;
When you require service,
See Marie, she's our new family whore."
--- Tom Patton P0107
In windows exceedingly crass,
Sit women half nude,
Excitingly crude,
Who piece-price the tourists who pass.
--- Irving Superior P9205
Did check on the girls who were flauntin'
The rules that were set
By the council that met.
His report: They were laid and found wanton.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1686
There's a savvy old madam named Drew,
Who'll establish a line
By displaying a sign
That informs all arrivals: FUCK QUEUE.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Ran ads on TV: "It's not bias --
Our girls are all young; give head, tail and tongue;
Our girls are the greenest; the youngest the cleanest;
Our girls are all young; our boys are well hung;
--- Armand E Singer 450
Would sneak from the dry reservation
To a house steeped in sin --
Young girls, cards, pink gin,
Artificial In-Seminole-ization.
--- Arthur Deex P8407
And no more were working girls seized,
You knocked on the door,
And asked for a whore.
Men could, go and come, as they pleased.
--- Larry J Davis P9205
Left the house of ill fame shedding tears,
For the madam halved prices
On second-round vices,
When just once was his limit for years...
--- Grand Prix Lim 310
Says, "John Donne asked with lots of to-do
For whom the bells peal;
We're glad to reveal
That at our place, the belles peel for you."
--- A N Wilkins P8511P
And proceeded to get a divorce,
Which left me alone
With an untended bone.
(And a bill from the whore house, of course)
--- Tim Chimera
They've escaped any moral dispute.
They've banned girls named Jill
And Syl and Chlorille
(Without 'ILL', it's a house of repute).
--- Norm Storer P9205
Fought sex hunters off in the dome.
But old man Prochaska
Spread her legs in Alaska --
Now her home is a house up in Nome.
--- G1793
Had a habit his friends thought was cute.
He'd rush from the train
When it got to Spokane,
To a house of distinct ill repute.
--- P9203
Dallied Cavalry Trooper, Saul Maze,
Who said, "I'm not AWOL,
I'm on duty withal
Since I've been in the saddle for days."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9509
"I'll be spending six months at the Cape,
But there's no need to cry,
There's a whore house nearby,
And the girls keep our peckers in shape."
--- Albin Chaplin