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I've a habit at which you may squawk,
That I started when first I could talk.
I eat peas mixed with honey,
Which makes them taste funny,
But at least they all stay on my fork.
--- Friar TP9806

Tofu, 'tis said, comes from soy,
But I think it's really a ploy
To pass off that crap
Without a big flap.
(It's from the foreskin of a goy.)
--- Frank TP9807

I stood in my Burger King hat;
A woman and kid came in, sat.
She flopped out a titty
To feed the wee kiddie;
I yelled, "Does he want fries with that?"
--- Tiddy Ogg

Folks everywhere talk of whirled peas -- (world peace?)
Just answer me this, if you please:
Why not mashed potatoes,
Or fried green tomatoes,
Or carrot sticks or broccolies???
--- Anon

"Take some SPAM," said a chef at the Ritz,
"And mince it in miniscule bits;
Then fry it together
With odd strips of leather,
And serve it with peas and some grits."
--- Mike O'Conner

The new ybf's are no fun;
They're tasteless when served on a bun.
Why, even with sauce,
They're less than a course;
They taste better dried in the sun.

(ybf is what? - McW)
--- Archie

A vegetarian is just a freak;
Without meat, you just end up weak.
Meat-eating's a habit,
And you're not a rabbit.
So get some proper food to eat!
--- Mushroom

Dave met, while a lad in the Navy
A vegetarian Wave. She
Told him, "Now son,
When you get your gun,
I don't mind the meat...it's the gravy."
--- Tiddy Ogg

There's worse, John, a vegan will choose
No animal product to use.
She'll thus miss a treat,
And shun, too, the meat,
To remain with a virginal cooze.
--- Randog

Rice cakes and salad, what's to it?
And tofu, you can't even chew it.
Steam all that you eat,
And never touch meat;
That's death and I ain't gonna do it.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

When you're thinking of something to eat,
Vegetarian food can't be beat.
It's better for you,
And it's more moral too.
Plus, it goes really nicely with meat.
--- Mike Dale

A Hindu guru -- called Baboo
Stirred with a spoon in his stew.
As he wiped his brow,
He said: "I will vow
That there's no meat in this vegetable brew."
--- Thomas Ratliff P0304

My friend Tara, a slim vegetarian,
Always knows what her stomach is carryin'.
If you take her advice
And eat lots of rice,
You may end up an octagenarian!
--- Mallmall TP9901

A vegan by the name of Babette
Was reputed to be a coquette.
Her prurient urges
She urgently purges,
With thrust from a twelve inch courgette.
--- Donald McGill

I'm told there's a vegan named Jeannie
Who, after a vodka martini,
Feels prurient urges
She prudently purges
With thrusts from a ten inch zucchini.
--- Donald McGill

A vegan named Vicki was tickled
By ardently soaking a thick, old
And very long tuber
In she-brine to lube her,
Which left that potato well-pickled.
--- Randog

Can we get through just one more Thanksgiving?
There are precious few nuggets, on sieving.
My plate looks so bare
With no turkey to share...
It's the price of vegetarian living.
--- Paul Hoffman

That is some fine meat you are carryin',
But steaks are for eatin', not buryin'.
A culinary sight,
A gourmet delight,
But what if she's a vegetarian?
--- Kaylin

A vegetarian? I don't know if it's true.
But I can still satisfy you.
Come to my fruit stand
And simply demand
My banana and a kiwi or two.
--- Mike Hunter

A treat for the tongue and the tummy,
Something sweet and chewy and gummy.
Fruit salad's a dream
With nuts and whipped cream,
Banana and kiwi! How Yummy!
--- Kaylin

On the subject of steak and pork rib,
Vegetarians can be very glib.
We're just jealous that meat
Is so darn cheap to eat,
While they've hiked veggie prices -- no fib!
--- Prof M-G

A young Nordic lass in Mombassa,
Demanded a piece of hot ass-a.
But she flew in a rage
And locked her cunt in a cage,
When they brought in King Haile Selassie.
--- L1488

The Conquering Lion of Judah,
Made a prayer to the statue of Buddha.
"Oh, Idol," he prayed,
"May Il Duce be spayed,
And all his descendants be neuter!"
--- L1185

There once was a country devoid
Of competent leaders deployed.
To keep the Reds out,
We found one about,
So now it's not Red, just destroyed.
--- Calvin Trillan

There once was a boss named Mobutu
To whom all the graft would accrue to.
He looted the place
Then left in disgrace
And basked in the castle he flew to.
--- Calvin Trillan

The rulers of long-ago Sumer
Were never much known for good humor;
If a mistress refused
Or seemed not too enthused,
They'd like as not opt to entomb her.
--- Armand E Singer 879

Atilla thought virgins were fun,
But puzzled to see them all run.
"What teases," cried he,
"To tremble and flee,
When they all keep calling me Hun."
--- History Pun Chimera P0108

In the words of the good Chairman Mao,
"A woman is much like a cow."
Has he thereby admitted,
Their girls are four-teated,
Or that heifers resemble his frau?
--- Anon

Is Commodore Perry to blame,
Since he with his mighty fleet came
And opened Japan,
Where the Japs with elan
Are beating us at our own game?
--- A N Wilkins P9212

Of that terrible King Mithridates,
His subjects along the Euphrates
Used to say in great scorn:
"He's of no woman born,
But extruded from fatherly nates."
--- G1014

Of dynasties Han, Tang, and Ming,
I admit I don't know a damn thing.
The Orient's history
To me is a mystery.
But I once had a Singapore Sling!
--- John K Roberts P9212

In the marvelous city of Petra,
You'll find it is really a metr'a
Fact that the folks
Who live there drink Cokes,
And eat olives and sheep and et cetra.
--- Norm Storer P2005

Mark Anthony, supine by the creek,
Got to thinking of customs of Greek.
"Cleo, would you mind
If I tried your behind?"
"Here I lie, and I'm not prone to shriek."
--- Bill Edwards P9103a

This is file fym

Cleopatra to Antony: Duck
If you'll just shift a bit, I will suck."
But that's nuttin': the glutton
Gave her up the butt an
Anachonismatical fuck.
--- G2323

A king in eternal repose,
Got a linen cocoon for his clothes.
And much gold for his severance
Arranged with due reverence,
Then they sucked all his brains out his nose.
--- John Eggerton P0103

A luscious Egyptian barbarian
Had problems we could call ovarian.
A famed Roman ruler
Inserted his tool, or
How else to explain her Caesarian.
--- Armand E Singer 248

King Cheops, old geezer of Gizah,
Had a young wife, but just couldn't please her.
Pyramids? His was bigger!
She said, "That don't figger --
Just leave it for some future Caesar!"
--- John E Mayhood P0103

Come along children, and follow me,
As I tell you 'bout Cleo and Ptolemy,
A mother and son,
They had lots of fun,
Engaging in all sorts of sodomy.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Cleopatra, the queen of Egypt,
Was frequently found quite unzipped,
By visiting Romans,
Who fancied that woman's
Charms, as the med they trans-shipped.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I was dubious about this adventure,
Thought some rhymes I'd have to invent-ure,
But this verse aside,
It's been quite a smooth ride;
You can't have found much to resent-ure.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The first to come calling was Jule;
He entered and flashed her his tool.
She gave him a rub,
While immersed in her tub,
But that's all he got, useless fool.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The next one was Marcus Antonius,
Like Julie, he soon got a bonius.
But a bit of fellation
Soon caused his deflation,
All his talk of "all night" was erroneous.
--- Tiddy Ogg

They came there from many a mile,
But her body they could not defile.
She'd lead them along,
But she'd not let their dong
Near her pussy, the queen of denial.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Yes, I know you've heard that pun before,
And as humor, it's flat on the floor.
But I will not retract,
It's a salient fact,
So I'm sure you can stand it once more.
--- Tiddy Ogg

At last 'cross the Mediterranean,
There comes the young Emperor Octavian.
And he rapes and he pillages
All the towns and the villages...
In fact in the ass he's a pain-ian.
--- Tiddy Ogg

For Cleo it was now the end,
Her honour she'd no more defend,
And the last thing we know,
She's in a strip show,
Or so the historians have penned.
--- Tiddy Ogg

In a whore house in Cairo I sat,
When up came a tart, old and fat.
She was dressed all in silk,
Smelt of rancid ass milk,
And her name it was Cleo, or Pat.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The British Museum is crowing
'Bout sculptures purportedly showing
Young Cleo in bed,
Giving Anthony head,
In the first class salon of a Boeing.
--- Peter Wilkins

Cleopatra would wear a big smile
Whenever she barged down the Nile.
Her occasional gasp
Would confirm that her asp
Was hiding somewhere rather vile.
--- Anon

Cleopatra for power was aspiring,
But she lost all that she was desiring;
She didn't grow senile
As the Queen of The Nile:
Her asp-iring caused her expiring.
--- Dix47man

On Egypt's Queen Cleo, a tidbit.
Two lovers the queen had permitted.
She picked the wrong one
And when sets the sun,
(The tidbit) an asp then her teat bit.
--- Irving Superior

A queen of old Egypt, named Cleo
Conducted her loving "con brio."
She felt quite at home in
The arms of one Roman
But preferred to be part of a trio.
--- Isaac Asimov

Cleopatra, with one hopeless gasp,
To her breasts held the deadliest asp.
But even more scary,
Was the miniture hairy
Likeness of Jeff on her clasp!
--- Robert Pirtle

Cleopatra may not have been great,
But some Romans thought her first rate.
She knew how to send them
And used her pundendum
To achieve her objectives of state.
--- A N Wilkins P8601

Cleopatra, who thought they maligned her,
Resolved to reform and be kinder.
"If, when pettish", she said,
"I should knock off your head,
Won't you give me a gentle reminder?"
--- Anon

Cleopatra's a cute little minx,
With a sex life that's loaded with kinks.
Marcus A. she would steer amid
The palms and Great Pyramid,
And they'd screw on the head of the sphinx.
--- Isaac Asimov

Cleopatra, when sex was still new to her,
Kept buying up young slaves to tutor her.
But the Pharoah, her dad,
For fear she'd go bad,
Kept rendering them neuterer and neuterer.
--- John Ciardi

Cleopatra, while helping to pump,
Ground out such a furious bump,
That Anthony's dick
Snapped off like a stick,
And left him to pump with the stump.
--- L1729

On Cleopatra's mortal sin,
The ASP is where we should begin.
Cold the night is!
Laryngitis!
And she half whispers "ASP-ir-in."
--- Irving Superior P8401

"Cleopatra", said randy young Pharoah,
"I'd like to screw you to the marrow!"
But she said, "What a sin
That you can't get it in;
It seems I've a furrow to narrow!"
--- Shakes Young Bro T9707

A young fellow attended a college just
To become a supreme Egyptologist,
And lie on a mattress
That was once Cleopatra's,
Yelling orders to eunuchs, his balls be kissed.
--- Don Moore P0103

The 'Curse of the Pharaohs' is true
As Carter found out, to his rue;
When he dug up their mummies
And unwrapped their tummies,
That pissed off a Pharaoh or two!
--- Jemstone P0103

A cubit in old Pharaoh's land
Was twenty-eight "digits" and spanned
From elbow to finger.
Does this measure linger?
No, It's too crude, it's been canned.
--- Andy Stanton

In Egypt a pretty young slut,
Revered for her well-rounded butt,
Got to do a King twice;
And when asked if 'twas nice,
Just grinned and replied, "Oh Tut Tut."
--- Bob Birch P0102

At R-O-M, I saw a mummy
Wrapped up with its knees in its tummy;
All shriveled and dried.
I think when you've died,
Being put on display's pretty crummy.
--- Anon

There once was a sickly Egyptian
Who took an organic prescription;
He died in his room
And was placed in a tomb,
Which was scribed with a sacred inscription.
--- Cap'n Bean P0103


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