MORE
In the past, you've heard many flimflammeries, Said Isis: "One night in the sack'll Cleopatra was alone in her class; Attired in her suicide garments, We have the Egyptians to thank To the builder, the younger King Tut, King Tut's curse seemed mere hogwash to Arden Both Caesar and Antony planned One of those dead old pharaohs We know Nefertiti was pretty; The pussy of Queen Nefertiti, The virginal queen we should pity; I thought Cleopatra might gasp The Egyptians build pyramids tall, Archeologists, reeking of malice, A vizier before Dynasty Six For my old age, appoint me a prop Be not high with respect to your heart, (Kush - Ethiopia, Kemet - Egypt)
More so than the best malachite, If you can, then establish your house; Tiddoxes, an ancient Egyptian, I've studied the papyrus scrolls, I've disproved the tale that the Sphinx, The traders who sail on the Nile, And the hieroglyphics are tellin' But Erm, I can't come back to thee; Ancient kings of the mummiified kind, Cleo said, "Tony, once in a while A professor who reads hieroglyphics Rosetta Cody, cryptologist, In the temples of Egypt each vestry An old digger of relics named Liptor Archeologists chase Egyptology There once was a great old pharoah Dr Green: For a very large sum, he Cleopatra, she sailed up the Nile Someone said, "But Cleo remember That 'smile' on the face of the Sphinx The famous Egyptian King Tut Egyptologists claim Tut was dapper, Tut-Ankh-Amen, best known as old Tankh, Egyptian princess, name of Wendy, Said the Boy King, "I fear I've a funny The pyramids aim to the sky; Hot lovers in This said that zythum (This - city in
Egypt) (zythum - ancient Egyptian beer)
I simply do not like the Brits; King Richard assembled the court; In Bayeux, the museum has stacks on Boadicea often would goad (Isatis tinctoria - plant source of woad)
When Cromwell went out on parade, Sir Oswald, the cunning old Celt, Said Wellington, "What's the location Some people think I'm a weak party, (General Chinese Gordon speaks)
Who'll bugger the Turk? My prick's Grand Demonstration!" (Published in 1880)
A Nelsonian captain addressed (impressed seamen - get it? - McW)
Said Nelson at an embassy party, 'Twas in Egypt that he came to harm, His eye was shot out in the Med, I saw Nelson at the Battle of the Nile, (from 'A Great Historical Bum')
Said Lord Nelson to Hardy, "Please kiss me!" The barons at old Runnymede This London eve, up in the tower, Sir Cloudesley sailed on the sea, It happened in 1707. Sir Cloudesley said: "Grab that boy, Billy, Marines on board had him surrounded, And Billy's prediction proved right.
But my research will much of the clamor ease,
And prove that the Asp
Cleopatra would grasp
Was heard to sing "Fangs for the mammaries."
--- Hugh Clary
Confirm any practice I'll tackle."
Said Osiris, "We'll bed,
But you must give me head,"
Which she did, though it proved to be Jackal.
--- John Eggerton P0103
'Fore her eyes her whole life had to pass
On that fabled dark day,
When historians say
She was killed by a grasp in the ass.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0206
Cleopatra sent out for the varments.
And one wouldn't do,
She had to have two,
To avoid a half-asped performance.
--- History Pun Chimera P0108
For the symbol we know as the ankh.
A loop on a cross,
Mightn't be a great loss,
But it looked good on pharoahs of rank.
--- David Morin
The loan institutions were shut.
To build pyramids
Takes quids upon quids,
And those rocks are a pain in the butt.
--- Mervyn Cripps collection
So he dug, asking nobody's pardon.
But it cost him his life,
For while screwing his wife,
The poor fellow died with a hard on.
--- A N Wilkins P8701
A visit to Egypt first-hand;
When we questioned them why,
They both replied, "I
Was getting the lay of the land."
--- Hugh Clary Q
Once asked his dad why 'twas he was.
"Now I'm just a dummy,
So go ask your mummy,
But she will just tell you, 'Be gauze'"!
--- Anon
We suppose she was charming and witty.
But it wasn't her bust
That caused Ramses to lust,
He only liked thigh, nefer titi.
--- John E Mayhood P0103
Was known to be quite itty-bitty;
'Til she got with great trammel
The old twat of a camel,
And then she could screw the whole city.
--- Anon
That's right, no not once, never did he
Cop even a feel.
She, 'e gypped, a raw deal.
So what did he touch? Nefertiti!
--- Anon
When I offered my scepter to grasp.
But the chick was so rude
That I never got blewed,
Not even a piece of her asp.
--- Anon
Great obelisks, sphinxes, and all
To glorify kings;
These marvelous things
Now serve as a gigantic mall.
--- Norm Storer P2005
Say Cleo corrupted her palace.
And her obelisk fine,
By its shape and design,
Was just Cleo's wet dream of a phallus.
--- Jemstone P0103
Said, "Sovereign, my lord! I am sick
With the onset of age.
Though I'm still very sage,
Senility's coming on quick."
--- Carol R Fontaine P9107
So my work needn't falter or stop:
Let me teach him my stuff
Until he's had enough,
And my maxims he surely will top.
--- Carol R Fontaine P9107
Or think yourself so very smart:
For of skill there's no limit
In Kush or in Kemet,
And good speech is a difficult art.
--- Carol R Fontaine P9107
Good speech is quite hidden from sight;
And yet, it is found
With the slavegirl profound
At the grindstone, displaying insight.
--- Carol R Fontaine P9107
Settle down with a nice little spouse:
A rich field for her lord
Is a wife that's not bored
(But her body with oil you must douse).
--- Carol R Fontaine P9107
Wrote poems of fact and of fiction,
In form hieroglyphic;
They're probably terrific,
But thus far have defied all decryption.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Concealed in odd cavelets and holes,
Midst desert sand dunes;
I've studied the runes,
And feel I'm achieving my goals.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Whose sphincter, sand-clogged, mankind thinks
Caused humps on the camel.
There's evidence damn-all,
But it did give its penis some kinks.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Are wizards at con-tricks and guile.
They'll sell you sunglasses,
And fruit and molasses,
And potions of love in a phial.
--- Tiddy Ogg
They conned even sweet Trojan Helen.
They sold her the keys o'
The structure of Giza...
The first case of pyramid sellin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I've still got a mystery or three
To solve: Did Osiris
The god, spread a virus,
And did that bug kill the Dead Sea.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Toward revelry, oft were inclined.
But in death, every pharoah
Became a straight arrow,
For none were allowed to unwind.
--- John Eggerton P0103
Sleep with me." He said, "Not my style!
I have fallen quite hard
For Radames, your guard.
It is I who am queen of the Nile!"
--- William N Nesbit P0103
Said, "I'd rather avoid the specifics,
But that Rosetta stone
Cuts too close to the bone,
In describing an old Pharaoh's stiff fix."
--- Jemstone P0103
Wed Bob Stone, archeologist.
After marriage, her name
She changed and became
Rosetta Stone, an Egyptologist.
--- Henry Mucha a
Held records of royal ancestry.
Archeologists found
Hieroglyphics abound,
Which reveal that they practiced incestry.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0508
Told the queen that the relic he shipped her
Did include the esophagus
From an ancient sarcophagus;
'Twas a matter of record Egypt her.
--- Albin Chaplin P0211
Using X-Rays, and even seismology,
As they search for a room
They can claim is the tomb
Of the womb of a Pharaoh's biology.
--- John E Mayhood P0103
This is file fxm
Whose legs were incredibly narrow.
When he entered the sun,
He thought it was fun
To think that he looked like a sparrow.
--- Mason Wright
Agreed, with a king to get chummy.
So he stayed overnight
In a tomb, which ain't right,
Cause it's incest to sleep with your mummy.
--- John Eggerton P0103
Wearing just an inscrutable smile,
When she saw the Sphinx
Give a couple of winks;
In those days Sphinx were more agile.
--- Anon
A Sphinx has a very large member."
After a short while,
The Sphinx wore the smile
And Cleo was happy but tender.
--- Anon
Is not quite as odd as one thinks.
That ancient seducer
Once spotted Medusa,
And invited her over for drinks.
--- John E Mayhood P0103
Had a fabulous musical butt.
"But some people thinks
My music, it sphynx,
I blow toots uncommon, so what?"
--- Anon
Though he was just a mere whippersnapper.
But just see what they found,
When they got him unwound
From his ancient, linen, plain brown wrapper.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0103
Was a Pharaoh of infinite rank;
But his sarcophagus
Wouldn't cause all this fuss
If his name had been Freddy or Frank.
--- E Ridgewell
Exceedingly supple and bendy,
Gave Tutankhamen
An erection for fun
While she serviced his camel "Effendi".
--- Anon
Feeling down here in my tummy."
"Tut, Tut!" said old Ra.
"I can see that you are
Not a Son, nor a Dad, but a Mummy."
--- Anon
We view them in awe with a sigh;
And the questions we hold
Of these treasures so old,
Are just how did they build them -- and why?
--- Cap'n Bean P0103
Was something they like to have with them
Before going to bed,
For in fucking, they said,
It especially heightened their rhythm.
--- A N Wilkins P8801
I'm glad that we said, "Call it quits!"
Fox hunting and tea
Are foreign to me;
The Empire sucks: it's the pits.
--- Armand Singer
They ogled at what he had brought
Back from the crusades,
With marital aids,
And two thousand bottles of Port.
--- Anon
The fate of the brave Anglo-Saxon:
How Harold was killed,
And the future was willed;
The tapestry has all the facts on.
--- David Morin
Some chance soldier she met on the road,
The paint with isatis,
Their sex apparatus,
And embrace, crying, "One for the woad!"
--- Douglas Catley
He inspected each troop and brigade.
And whenever he found
That a head was not round,
He smoothed out the bumps with a spade.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Walks round wearing only his pelt.
If all of the maids
In the village were laid
End to end, there ain't one he's not felt.
--- Anon
Of this battle I've won for the nation?"
They replied, "Waterloo."
He said, "That'll do.
What a glorious name for a station."
--- Frank Richards A
Others say that I'm quite hardy.
The truth is, in brief,
I'm seeking relief,
But not at the hands of the Mahdi.
--- Anon
"I', said Gladstone, as Chief of the Nation,
And Premier of England, to gain reputation.
I'll bugger the Turk,
And ne'er let him shirk
--- L0521
His men, on their duty, with zest.
History doesn't teach
What they thought of his speech,
But we think most of them were impressed.
--- Chandrama
"I am sorry, if I seem rather tardy,
But I face a dilemma,
Should I bugger my Emma,
Or screw the delectable Hardy.
--- A Cinna
When a Frenchie shot off part of his arm.
But Lord Nelson falls
When he's shot in the balls,
At Trafalgar, on a sea far from calm.
--- Tim Main
In a battle where hundreds lay dead.
With his blind eye he quips,
"I can't see no ships!"
As he signalled the fleet full ahead.
--- Tim Main
And did the bullets whistle thick and fast and wild.
And when Pharoah hit the King
With a cutlass on the wing,
I was lying at the bottom of the pile.
--- Anon
And what Hardy did next is no mystery.
'Tis for this sweet caress,
Not for naval success,
That his name is remembered in history.
--- Anon
Forced John far too much to concede...
With that damn Magna Carta,
The riff-raff pro rata
Are ruling with consumate greed.
--- Ogni Gioia
We guilty knaves tremble and cower.
No habeas corpus
Will ever unwarp us.
Over phantoms the Carta's no power.
--- H Welchel
A Royal Fleet Admiral was he.
Coming home from Gibraltar,
His course failed to alter;
What happened? You shortly will see...
--- Tiddy Ogg
While aiming for Plymouth in Devon.
One crewman said, "Sport,
You're too far to port,
You're nearer the mouth of the Severn."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who shoots off his mouth willy-nilly.
Hang him from the yard!
A punishment hard...
'Twill teach him for being so silly."
--- Tiddy Ogg
With rope, hand and foot, he was bounded.
And a curse was the last
Thing that through his lips passed:
"I pray that this ship shall be grounded."
--- Tiddy Ogg
While cruising, full-rigged, late that night,
The hull it was rent;
All the crew's lives were spent,
As the ship swiftly sank out of sight.
--- Tiddy Ogg
MORE