A good friend by the name of Jim
Turned sixty with plenty of vim.
Though he may sleep late
His stamina's great,
And doesn't need to head for the gym.
--- Dick Hull

As Anne Marie hits the big SIX-O
Come to our home and go with the flow;
Wear green if you can
For this Ireland fan,
It'll flush her cheeks with a healthy glow.
--- Dick Hull

Jim's capacity for gin with lime
And ability to dance on a dime,
Mean he and his wife
Are still full of life,
And it's not yet Viagra time!
--- Dick Hull

At this party you'll greet friends and kin,
You'll get to watch some shamrocks spin.
And you'll surely see
Our Anne Marie,
Turn sixty with an Irish grin.
--- Dick Hull

There's a lady who turns mumble three
(She's many years younger than me)
And she is no klutz,
Though she signs herself "Nutz".
Heres hoping her birthday's happy!
--- Anon

By the way, Happy Birthday, dear John,
And blow out all those candles, my son,
For you don't look a day
Older than my sweet Kay;
She was born just before World War I.

Happy Birthday, tomorrow, to me!
I hope that you all will feel free
To send cash or check
(Paypal, what the heck!)
'Cause I look and I feel, 83!
--- John Miller

I don't think you're quite 83,
But maybe you're older than me.
When old Adolph died
With his todger inside
Eva Braun, my first light did I see.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Happy birthday to you, indeed,
Eighty-three of your dad's wasted seed,
Comes to a head
In a limerical bed;
Been better his member he'd knead.
--- Req

Sorry to mislead you all;
I'm not really that old, at all.
Though I look 83,
I can still hold my pee,
And my peter can still stand up tall.
--- John Miller

So filthy was Herbert P. Yew,
Both water and soap he'd eschew.
Except once a year
He'd bathe so he'd hear
Folks sing, "Happy Bathday to You."
--- Irving Superior P9206

He's passed the half century mark;
With his wit, he's full of life's spark.
We've gather to say
Have a Happy Birthday,
Then we'll leave, but not till it's dark.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

To sing HAPPY BIRTHDAY is fun,
But soon HAPPY BIRTHDAY is done.
Next day, what to do?
Replace the TO YOU,
--- Irving Superior P8612

And next day, PLUS TWO (ain't this fun!)
Three hundred six four.
By Gosh, one day more
--- Irving Superior P8612

I know that this card is quite late,
I know I had not marked the date,
I lost your address
And could not care less,
For you're among those whom I hate.
--- Bob Birch P0508

Next week, I'm expecting to dine
On cake, and that suits me just fine.
It will give me great joy
To be a "Birthday Boy",
'Cause then I'll attain "69"!
--- John Miller

So life's cycle turns one more page;
I trust that you've become more sage.
I'm not far behind
And now think it kind
Of smart if I lied 'bout my age.
--- Tiddy Ogg

You're getting much fatter, dear John,
And now all your best years are gone.
How much more can we take?
Just cut the stupid cake!
'Cause it's all down-hill from here on.
--- David Miller

I hear you two clear and loud,
And I would like to join, if allowed.
We're the bosses indeed,
And ruling the street.
There three so we now form a crowd.
--- Dirruk

Well Dirruk, I'll offer this, son,
Ol' Tid and John can't be outdone.
So please allow me
To say that you three
Are a pair if there ever was one!
--- Observer

To you, John, I'll offer best wishes;
I hope that your cake is delicious.
Stay cool and serene
But change normal routine
And let somebody else do the dishes.
--- Observer

If cryogenics cost no fee,
John could live life for eternity.
They'd cut off his head
Before he was dead,
And could live next to Walt Disney.
--- David Miller

It's John sixty-ninth birthday, poor soul;
I thought cleaning out my toilet bowl.
And for his children's sake,
Hope a file's in the cake,
If they won't let him out on parole.
--- David Miller

Happy Birthday! I hope you won't sneer at it
And complain of your looks. I won't hear of it!
Let me say (though the thrill's gone)
That you look like a million,
And I certainly mean every year of it.
--- Don Moore P0508

I'm thinking of you on this day,
And sending this card on its way.
You're now at that age
You're considered a sage,
But that's all that I'm going to say.
--- Bob Birch P0508

You've conquered the aging disease
That brings lesser men to their knees.
You're a vigorous man
And you've proved you still can
Blow you candles with only one wheeze.
--- Virge

Dad, I'm sure it will give you a lift
That I've shown such commendable thrift
In choosing a way
To remember your day
With this heart-warming message (no gift).
--- Virge

This year I have something to boast:
I remembered your birthday (almost).
This card may be late
But it's close to the date.
Let's pretend it got lost in the post.
--- Virge

Best wishes; you're now thirty four;
You're half of my age plus some more.
Hope you like the flowers;
They took me two hours
To steal them from Lizzie, next door.
--- Tiddy Ogg

She said, "Tid, were you being vicious?
The gift of the flowers, suspicious.
You caused some disquiet,
Since I'm on a diet;
P.S. They were simply delicious!
--- Observer

Those roses I brought as a treat,
And surely they smelled very sweet;
But how could you like
The way that they spiked
Your throat, as those thorned stems you eat?
--- Tiddy Ogg

Well Tiddy, in answer to you,
I bit off more than I could chew.
And all should take note:
The worst wasn't the throat;
But the following day in the loo.
--- Observer

He said "I'm collecting for two."
On my porch you're not - catch a clue!
A costume you lack;
Have you lost the knack?
Can't say it, can't do it - Fuck you!
--- Anon

This is file fmm

On Halloween night, I'm the reaper;
I'm the silent and ominous creeper;
I'm the Angel of Death
Moving quiet as breath,
So don't give me away with my beeper!
--- Cap'n Bean P0310

I'm sorry; I know it's my fault.
My Halloween sins I should halt.
But the neighbor's kids here
Pissed me off for a year,
So I laced all their candy with salt!
--- Anon

Halloween is one hell of a chore,
Getting dressed in the spirit of gore;
But along with the fright,
There's a tasty delight
In the candy I find at each door!
--- Cap'n Bean P0310

An ominous Halloween night,
When the moon is so eerily bright;
I savor it well,
For it's creepy as hell,
And infuses the children with fright.
--- Cap'n bean P0010

The covers are off all my drains,
I've wired the bell push to the mains.
I'm sure going to beat,
Those damned trick or treat-
ers, by drowning or frying their brains.
--- Anon

And if the sods still won't vamoose,
It gives me the perfect excuse
To open the kennel,
For the ultimate penal-
ty, letting my rottweiler loose.
--- Anon

Now you all may think me a prick,
But I think it's quite a good trick;
And the dog gets a treat,
Something different to eat;
I just hope they don't make him sick.
--- Anon

This crisp air makes my heart flip-flop
And shining dark evenings are tops --
Halloween's creeping near
With fireworks in its rear,
And then crackers explode with big pops.
--- Lucy

The French I have heard are all huffy,
Xenophobic and stupidly stuffy,
About Halloween.
They think it's obscene
And culturally merdey and scruffy.
--- Tutta Gioia

It's the one time of the year
That I can go 'round without fear
That someone will gag
Or barf in a bag;
They just say "Great costume, my dear!"
--- Marlene Lewis

An old zombie who lived in a shoe,
Plagued with maggots, so what did she do?
She washed them all clean,
And painted them green,
And Halloween, gave them out, shouting Boo!
--- Allen Wolverton

I heard this and it made me shake;
Of maggots I never partake.
They really are icky;
I prefer to be picky
And stick to the chocolate and cake.
--- Ticketyboo

We'd Halloween treats from store shelves
To give out, but no trick-or-treat elves
Rang our bell -- heavy rain
Kept them home without gain.
So we'll eat all the candy ourselves.
--- Prof M-G T9711

I scooped out the flesh of a pumpkin;
I carved on the face of a bumpkin;
Went disguised to my folks.
They saw through my hoax.
Try as you might, you can't stump kin.
--- Prof M-G T9710

A shape-shifting shadow surprise
In the corner of one of your eyes;
The hoot of an owl,
Black cat on the prowl,
And me in my witchy disguise.
--- Karen

Jack o' Lantern's evil leer,
Glimmers of shadowy fear,
A shape in the dark,
The Evil one's mark,
The ghosts and the spirits are here.
--- Karen

My black cat familiar and I
Shall hop on my broomstick and fly
'Cross the full moon;
See us and swoon.
This may be your night to die.
--- Karen

Beware of the shadowy moon;
Hark to the trill of the loon.
Their warning conveys
The strangest of days;
It'll be All Hallows Eve all too soon.
--- Azul

The night that the witches take flight,
The dead arise to give us a fright.
So if out with your honey,
Don't think it is funny
If he disappears 'round midnight.
--- Azul

Here we sit on All Hallow's Eve;
Witches, goblins, would you believe,
Come here seeking treats,
Else mischievous feats
Are threatened without a reprieve.
--- Daniel Ford

So we hand over the candy
To little ghouls and one dandy,
A gangster baddy
(Little's ones' daddy)
Flashlight and walking stick handy.

(Who's hoping Mommy stays randy.)
--- Daniel Ford

Although we intend just to "treat" them,
And with bags of candy would greet them,
The kids on the block,
Can't overcome shock,
Of having two Dobermans meet them.
--- Chris Papa

The ghostly green ghoul that's alight,
Will hardly stir feelings of fright,
But Dobes on a "sit,"
Do scare them a bit,
They think they are going to bite.
--- Chris Papa

The cackling witch off on her broom,
Won't give 'em a portent of doom;
Their terror defines,
In well bred canines,
Who welcome them into the room.
--- Chris Papa

After great deal of soothing is said,
They'll give furtive touch on dog's head,
And since they're so brave,
The "tricks" part we'll waive,
And give them their just "treats", instead.
--- Chris Papa

The ghosts and the goblins will soon
Be rompin' 'round 'neath a dark moon.
But I'll give no sweets
Nor other nice treats;
I'll be at the local saloon.
--- Observer

Our physical attributes might
Give some other people a fright.
But it is not fair
For them to just stare;
After all, it's Halloween Night!
--- Marlene Lewis

Nothing can beat Halloween
For over indulgence obscene.
For children, it's candy;
For their elders, it's brandy;
For vandals, the night of their dreams.
--- Dr Limerick

There once was a pumpkin that died,
For a candle had burnt off his hide.
His insides were taken,
His face was misshapen,
And now he is displayed outside.
--- Darleen Kelly

My son came to me and he said:
"Dad, make me a big pumpkin head."
So I thought, what the heck;
Put an axe 'cross his neck,
And fitted a squash there instead.
--- Anon

There once was a fellow named Wright
Who died on a Halloween night,
At the home of the Thorpe's,
Where they dragged out his corpse,
And they riddled the children with fright.
--- Cap'n Bean P0201

To me, it's a bit statuesque,
Though to some, it's a little grotesque;
If I give it a whack,
Or I tap on its back,
A skeleton swings by my desk.
--- Cap'n Bean

Not last night, but the night before,
Three witches they came to my door.
One had a hunchback,
One wore a black sack,
And the third spewed pizza on my floor.
--- Tutta Gioia