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No matter how hard I may try,
I cannot conceive of a pie
Full of blackbirds who sing,
When they're baked in the thing,
Or of filling a pocket with rye.
--- Lims Unlimited

The bitter-sweet taste, aigre-doux,
Is passable in a French roux,
But it is a mistake
To eat aigre-doux cake,
So don't you be too eager to.
--- Anon

Tonight with a lover Divine,
I sat and ate cherries and wine.
So fast was the pace,
I was almost disgraced,
But like ice cream, it all came out fine.
--- Mischief

Amazing how sweet is ambrosia;
Its glorious taste simply throws ya.
It smacks both your lips,
Demands more than sips,
And pounds as it paddles and rows ya.
--- Matthew Montchalin

The food of the Gods is ambrosia;
It quickens your beat and then blows ya.
From Heaven descended,
By angels its blended;
It shows what it does when it knows ya.
--- Matthew Montchalin

Three times over three is ambrosia;
It gives what it takes to engross ya;
Three mystical sips,
A slip and two skips,
And then with a hug it just holds ya.
--- Matthew Montchalin

It seems you enjoy this ambrosia,
'Cause she quickens your beat and then blows ya;
You should offer her nectar
From Hector Erector,
To store in a southern exposure.
--- Hugh Clary

I wandered through fields of ambrosia;
The gooey stuff squelched 'twixt my toes. Ya
May join me if rice
Is your fetish or vice;
Lay down so the substance enfolds ya.

(Ambrosia is canned rice pudding in UK)
--- Tiddy Ogg

In America, ambrosia's food too,
But tastier than your rice goo.
'Tis a mixture of fruit
And coconut to boot,
And it sure makes me visit the loo!
--- Liam na Baeg

There was an old woman named Jenny
Who sold custard pies for a penny.
She lost ha'pence a pie,
And it puzzled her why,
When evey day she sold so many.
--- Warrick Elrod

A banana frozen and dipped
In chocolate topping, she nipped
From out of the case
As if in a race,
Then topped if with sweet cream, well whipped.
--- Anon

What sends the girls ass over tits
About Angelo's banana splits,
Is not that they're long,
And shaped like his dong,
It's the taste of his cream on their lips.
--- Michael Horgan

A soda jerk told me his dream
Of smearing his cock with whipped cream.
He adds two nuts hairy,
Then tops with a cherry,
And calls it banana supreme.
--- David Miller

Said prim and correct Aunty Nelly:
"I've eaten to much of that jelly.
I can hardly conceal
How embarrassed I feel,
When I say I've a pain in my stomach.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

The contents of a standard black pud
Are oftentimes misunderstood.
It doesn't have crud
Like menstrual blood;
Some people think just that it should.
--- Donald McGill

Black pudding is food for a king;
These delectable sausages wring
All the best from the pig.
Though there's always some prig
Who objects to the whole bloody thing.
--- Rory Ewins

Of food that is sexy, I think
That blancmange is my favorite kink;
And the last one I boffed
Was amazingly soft,
And so wondrously squelchy and pink.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Blancmange is a creamy white pudding,
Into which your thing, don't be putting.
Instead let it swell;
Get a pastry shell
To fill with your own cream -- that's gooding!
--- Arden

A lively young fellow named Kelly,
Got an awful sad ache in his belly.
His wife in her haste,
Had served him up paste,
Instead of blancmange and jelly.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

"This jelly's to sloppy", said Shelley,
"It's too thin to go in my belly.
There's two things I like firm,
You obsequious worm,
And one of them, mate, is my jelly."
--- David Miller

A girl from Madrid cried, "Ole!"
As creme he shot forth in a spray...
"Senor," she then said,
"I prefer warmer head..
Next time, could we have it brulee?"
--- Anon

It's uncivil, it's rude, it is bold,
For a microbe to mate when it's cold;
But the ones Lister found
Will fuck even ice-bound,
So be cautious where soft-serve is sold.
--- Jilber

Our Dorothy's got all of them, Mum,
And won't share them out, even some.
The cookies are mine;
I'm starting to whine --
So give me a cookie, Dot, come!
--- Archie

You spoiled-rotten whiney small brat!
These cookies are mine and that's that!
Keep your hands to yourself,
You perverted old elf
Or I'm telling Mom 'bout the cat!
--- Dorothy

We bought cream cakes and a bun
For a picnic out in the sun.
She drank cups of tea,
From twelve until three
And never offered me one.
--- Arthur Deex P0510Q

We bought cream cakes and a bun
For a picnic out in the sun.
She downed sorbet quite fast,
From twelve till half past
And never offered me one.
--- Arthur Deex P0510Q

We bought cream cakes and a bun
For a picnic out in the sun.
She swilled foamy brew,
From one until two
And never offered me one.
--- Arthur Deex P0510Q

We bought cream cakes and a bun
For a picnic out in the sun.
She partook albacore,
From three until four
And never offered me one.
--- Arthur Deex P0510Q

We bought cream cakes and a bun
For a picnic out in the sun.
She had truffle with chive,
From four until five
And never offered me one.
--- Arthur Deex P0510Q

We bought cream cakes and a bun
For a picnic out in the sun.
She nibbled fish sticks,
From five until six
And never offered me one.
--- Arthur Deex P0510Q

We bought cream cakes and a bun
For a picnic out in the sun.
She chewed bread without leaven,
From six until seven
And never offered me one.
--- Arthur Deex P0510Q

The baker said, "In some fresh crumpet,
I'll place my whipped cream covered strumpet!
Then eat a small part
Of the Portuguese Tart,
And Mom's Apple Pie 'fore I hump it.
--- David Miller

Crepes -- they are such fun to eat;
Filled with soft cream, can't be beat.
Topped with strawberry.
Sweet? Oh yes, very;
Juicy and ripe for your meat.
--- Arden

This is file fbm

Not much of a cook is Ms. Brand;
Her recipes get out of hand;
Her pumpkin pies stink;
The fillings all sink;
It's what she calls Custard's Last Stand.
--- Armand E Singer 873

When Caroline's mother made custard,
She started to get a bit flustered.
Her daughter said "What
You got's not what you thought.
Put your specs on, the label says 'mustard'."
--- Funfax Limericks

O poor ice cream vendor Joe Brand,
His softserve's not frozen as planned;
August's God-awful heat
Can fry eggs in the street;
He calls it his custard's last stand.
--- Armand Singer P0310

Here's marshmallow Fluffy (it's white)
And Pet milk for coffee delight.
So don't be a bumpkin
Who only eats pumpkin,
There's way too much here for one bite.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A pox on those soggy old cakes,
With candied delights and tooth-aches.
Though some of them come
Well-bathed in dark rum,
And squeezing them some talent takes.
--- Chris Papa

From her infection, she takes all the yeast
Which she uses to make a good feast
Of gingerbread men,
Which you may eat when
You pick out your choice from the priest.

There once was a silly young maid,
Who ate only grape marmalade.
At one hundred and ten,
She said with a grin,
"How nicely preserved I have stayed!"
--- Anon

On New Year's Day in Alabam',
Had black-eyed peas, turnips, and ham;
But then for dessert
I pulled off her skirt,
And ate her hole pie..."Thank ya, ma'am!"
--- Anon

"And how many lumps do you take?",
Asked Jill, serving Joe tea and cake.
Those two, 'neath your sweater,"
Said Joe, "Would be better."
Jill, shocked, hit him twice with her rake.
--- Travis Brasell

To the Brit from the Isles of the Sunny,
Where live ladies lascivious and funny;
If you do not make haste,
You will find that our taste
Goes well with condiments and honey.
--- Maeve

They've put in a new ice cream store
By my shop -- in fact, right next door.
It's really not fair
To put it right there,
For now I'll gain pounds by the score.
--- ROE

They've vanilla with warm chocolate goo
And Heath Bar and Cookie dough too.
Sundae and floats,
And Banana Split boats
That stick to my hips like soft glue.
--- ROE

I tell you, if I'm gonna sin,
I'd rather with sex or with gin.
The price is too high;
When I look at my thigh,
And see those three scoops once again.
--- ROE

I've had some strange dreams in my time,
Like some people licking green slime.
I too, had a taste.
One never should waste
That yummy pie known as Key Lime.
--- H Welchel

But You should know Key Lime Pie
Although pleasing to tongue and to eye,
Should never be green,
Unless you are keen
On pollution with icky green dye.
--- John Miller

The lime that is grown on a Key
Is paler than what you will see
If you pull down my pants
'Fore I get a chance
At a beach that is bathing-suit free.
--- John Miller

The filling you make from Key Lime
Is too firm to be likened to slime,
And too tart for a tart
But will do for a start
In your search for a flavor sublime.
--- John Miller

Though I make my own filling from scratch,
Now it's rarely applied to young snatch.
But if some girl is willing,
My filling's less filling.
Come here and I'll whip up a batch.
--- John Miller

When making banana cake, Joel
Put fruit and two eggs in the hole
'Tween two legs and proceeded
To cream nicely as needed,
And he finished by licking the bowl.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1268

There once was a fellow named Pete
Who enjoyed everything that was sweet;
From butterscotch to berries,
Chocolate to cherries,
And ladies when they were in heat.
--- Portia Little P0304

From the time we were threatened by Scuds,
The baker's lost the taste of his bud.
When he tries to make
A pudding or cake,
He said his cooking tasted like mud.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Every thought in his head was "Gourmet;"
He would cook all night and all day.
The sight of a kitchen
Would start his ass twitchin'
And he'd come in the brandy souffle.
--- Tom Patton P0510Q

There was a young fellow from Nome
Who told his bride, "Mrs Jerome,
This tastes like the cake
Which my mom used to make,
Just before father left home."
--- Attic Salt P0408

A plum brought to mind food that's good.
Chocolate cookie-like things that I should
Not be eating. Now what
Is that there? I forgot...
Time for coffee and sleep. Yes, I could.
--- Hilde na Beag

You needn't go sound the alert.
My actions are hardly covert.
You need no alarm.
I mean you no harm.
I only came here for dessert.
--- Naomi J Kahn

There is a young teacher called Valerie,
Who cannot get by on her salary.
On weekends she makes
Pavlovas and cakes,
For which she gets paid by the calorie.
--- Chris Young

There is one thing that men get all sweaty for,
A treat like a fine chocolate petit four;
To imply it's to eat
Is not just conceit--
In fact, it's not even a metaphor.
--- Norm Storer P9204

First sprinkle with grated iced ghee,
Then give it a tossing gently.
Don't squeeze it too much --
Just finger-tip touch.
This foreplay all good piecrusts kneed.
--- H Welchel

A fine chef was Pierre the poodle;
Delicious was his apple strudel.
He made crepe suzette
For his darling Yvette,
'Cause she hated to eat tuna noodle.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9306

You won't guess what I keep in my wellies:
Three tarts and a couple of jellies,
A Cadbury's Flake
And a portion of hake,
And an old spotted dick of George Melly's.
--- Kevin Hale Q

Ding Dongs, Crispy Cremes, and eclairs;
A junk foodish state of affairs!
I'll chow down with pleasure
And for extra measure,
Go feast where one finds pubic hairs.
--- Randog

Rhubarb is much better in pies;
Sweet, sour, and attracting flies.
It's good as goosebery
And tasty as cherry;
Please, have a slice -- don't be shy!
--- Marlene Lewis

We would just wipe it off and chew,
Then watch each other's mouth go askew.
So sour yet so good
That in my boyhood,
Things were tastier in 1942.
--- Saint

There once was a housewife of Chard
Who made very rich cakes using lard.
Said her husband, "I question
If my poor digestion
Can cope with rock cakes so rock hard."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada


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