The USAT's front-page graphic (USA Today - newspaper)
Says most of all accidents traffic
Are quite close to home.
Is it safer to roam
And trust to your angel seraphic?
--- Dr Limerick 05-20-02

But when you look under the hood,
The statistic is bogus, not good.
All trips in your car,
No matter how far
Have a portion in your neighborhood.
--- Dr Limerick 05-20-02

If home's where you usually drive,
That's where the car crashes will thrive.
So home or away,
As you go though your day,
On the road, stay alert, stay alive!
--- Dr Limerick 05-20-02

Your out on the town, had some drinks.
Going home, hit a deer, that stinks.
Fucked up your wheels,
But there's shittier deals;
What do you think the deer thinks?
--- MrMalo

Neither out on the town, nor drinkin',
Don't know what that damn deer was thinkin'.
Maybe wanted to die --
(Please don't ask me why)
But he really messed up my new Lincoln.
--- Kaylin

I'd failed, fifty times, my driving test,
Before putting the keys down to rest.
Couldn't follow instructions
When I was at junctions;
Though, I assure you, I did try my best.
--- Anon

The fat blimp and the Firestone top brass
Are both full of invisible gas.
While the blimp's is inert,
It is clearly overt
That Firestone gas comes from an ass.
--- William N Nesbit P0010

The Michelin Man was excited;
The Dunlop officials delighted;
For a defect was found
Which was truly profound,
And the Firestone execs were indicted.
--- Cap'n Bean P0010

A man who loved to be last,
Would also drive very fast.
He also tailgated,
Which was quite ill-fated;
He's now in a full-body cast.
--- Macsam

This bravery award's a bit rash.
This kid needs a dose of the lash.
The cops have been talking
'Bout charges of jay-walking,
And leaving the scene of a crash.

(5 yr old walked two hours to get help after crash)
--- David Miller

The lights in the window did flash,
Followed by a thunderous crash.
The car couldn't stop,
And now it's atop
Of my bed, with all of the trash.
--- Azul

I've told the city cops for years
That when the weather's severe,
That stupid stop
At the bottom of the drop
Would lead to this night of my fears.
--- H Welchel

There once was a man from Deep River,
Who drank till he ruined his liver.
He'd drink, then he'd drive
(He's no longer alive)
And he ended his days all aquiver.
--- Laurence U

One time in an old Chevrolet,
A fellow, while feeling risque,
Shot off his load.
The car left the road.
The call him the late Dr Fey.

(Dr Fey - pen name of author of Lims Naughty & Gay - McW)
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

While stopped in my car at a light,
Low life music blares from my right;
That rap I so hate,
It fuels the crime rate;
'Neath his car, I taped dynamite.
--- Anon

Like a woman, with carts please be tender;
If gentle, she'll go where you send her.
But a fickle front wheel,
With a squeak and a squeal,
Sends this she-devil into your fender.
--- Bob Birch P0800

Some thirty years back now, or so,
In my battered old car we would go,
To a place so secluded,
And my Ermintrude did
Things that would make my dong grow.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Over my lap she would straddle,
And thereon, as many a lad'll
Tell you, I found
A spot in a mound,
In which I could park my young paddle.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Together we got in the groove,
The climax we had was to prove
That tattered cliche,
When you've had it away,
We both thought we felt the earth move.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I looked up and noticed the scene,
Was different to what it had been,
The brake didn't hold,
While boffing we'd rolled,
Into the old muddy stream.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A breakdown truck gave extrication,
He grinned at our lame explanation,
Which with laughs was received,
And no-one believed,
And thus we lost our reputation.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Now for these thirty years she's my wife,
I've loved her for all of my life.
But these days we make
Sure our car has a brake,
So now we don't suffer such strife.
--- Tiddy Ogg

An elderly gent was knocked over;
He was hit by a new model Rover.
I know the highway code;
I know the rules of the road;
I wasn't wearing my lucky clover.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

An amorous fellow from Fife
Parked up on a hill with his wife--.
A choice that proved final.
On a slope anticlinal:
Your parking brake may save your life!
--- Graham Lester

If you're taking a ride in the car,
I'd be sure that the door's not ajar.
If it swings open wide,
You might lose what's inside,
Or fall out, and not get very far.

There was a young man of Margate,
Who got blotto, I'm sad to relate.
He drove off in his car,
But he didn't get far.
They refer to him now as "the late".
--- John Blyth

When the rains come, the roads are like pools;
Drivers driving too fast become fools.
They soaked their car brakes,
And made many mistakes.
Many did not observe the road rules.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A reckless young driver named Reid
Once drove at a high rate of speed
Off a cliff...he went zoom!
Then his car went kaboom!
A spectacular finish, indeed.
--- Cap'n Bean P0212

There was a teenager named Shriver
Who thought that he was a good driver.
Had he not tried to drive
At one hundred and five,
Then for sure he would be much aliver.
--- Albin Chaplin

Miss Happ gushed, "As examiners go,
You're the best of the seven I know!"
He sighed, "Thanks, but your test
Was a nightmare. You'd best
Move your car, for it's parked on my toe."
--- David A Brooks Q

I did not see the sign that read: Yield.
Hit a pig. Didn't stop. Off I peeled.
Well, I just couldn't see
How cops knew it was me.
The the officer said, "The pig squealed!"
--- Kirk Miller

"You can guess, of course, what it was like,"
Said a new teenage driver named Mike.
"When dad said I might
Have the Chevy that night,
I backed over his new ten-speed bike."
--- A N Wilkins P9203

A Tory, once out in his motor,
Ran over a Labourite voter.
"Thank goodness," he cried,
"He was on the wrong side.
So I don't blame myself one iota."
--- Linda Marsh Coll

This is file ezl

Oh Damn! Yes, you know how it goes;
First time with the car and it shows.
You stopped to get gas
Then went away fast.
Now your car is sporting a hose.
--- Azul

Rush hour -- she needed a jump
To beat folks; she sped from the pump.
While back at the station,
A huge conflagration
Singed hairs on the poor owner's rump.
--- Frank Fazed

Our C.E.O. was promoted: to rejoice
He purchased a new Rolls-Royce.
Driving with precision,
He was in a collision,
And yelled at the top of his voice.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

I'll have a new law for the book
And its curious drivers I'll hook.
Ad collision, you say?
But one lane should delay,
But in fact we all slow down and look.
--- Mike Dale

In convertibles she was quite brash,
When she put her feet up on the dash.
A trucker drove by,
Her bare crotch caught his eye;
Four people were killed in the crash.
--- Clark

The convertible pulled along side;
A clear view I had of inside;
My eyes soon led
From hair so red,
To breasts that she could not hide.
--- Toolman

Her legs she intended to show;
Though long they were white as snow.
From legs so bright,
I lost my sight;
Now I'm in the ditch, don't you know!
--- Toolman

There once was a fellow named Schneider,
Who imbibed too freely of cider.
Enroute to St. Paul,
He crashed a stone wall;
Now his car is much shorted, but wider.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a fellow named Drake;
As a motorist he took the cake.
For his end came, alas,
When he stepped on the gas,
Intending to step on the brake.
--- Cryptogram Lims P0506

There was a teen driver named Nash,
Well known for his daring and dash.
He remarked he felt great
When he went eighty-eight,
And at ninety he made quite a smash.
--- Albin Chaplin

A lady driver found she'd a flat;
How on earth will she quite cope with that?
She found that her spare,
In its place wasn't there,
Just some kittens and a mama cat!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There once was a fellow named Jim
Who took his girl out for a spin.
The speedometer rose;
The gas pedal froze;
They found parts of her but not him.
--- Carol Odum

There once was a fellow named Hatch,
While enroute to a wrestling match,
Swung the door of his car
A little too far,
And an argument started from scratch.
--- Observer TP9901

I skidded and slid near a lake;
Hit a tree when I slammed on the brake.
Car slid through the ice;
Lacking air would suffice.
Icing was the frosting on cake!
--- Murky T9712

An amateur, driving too fast,
From his car to the roadway was cast,
And a friend kindly said,
As he banged his head,
"Mr. Cobbler, stick to your last."
--- Anon

There was a young fellow named Harold,
His car at a hundred he barrelled.
And for better or worse,
Ended up in a hearse.
They sang songs and some hymns, and they caroled.
--- Albin Chaplin

A gin-loaded speeder named Sleeth
Has totaled his car on the heath;
What they found: a great mass
Of sheetmetal and glass,
PIus bits of raw brains and bad teeth.
--- Armand Singer

Poor Max had a pile-up vehicular,
Which left him and car, perpendicular.
In his groin was the gear
Shift, which left him, I hear,
From thereafter uni-testicular.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A driver named Sanibel Lars,
Was gazing, one night, at the stars
Up on route thirty-two,
Where he died, with a view,
In a pile-up of twenty-nine cars.
--- Cap'n Bean P0501

A motorist out on a spree
Said "Speed limits don't bother me."
So during a trip
He let the car rip,
And a "full stop" made up R.I.P..
--- Langford Reed

A wealthy Eton schoolboy named Gently
Came to school every day in the Bentley.
The butler named Ivor
Was a qualified driver,
But the boy drove the car, incidentally.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

One day he was involved in a crash
Which he thought he'd blow over with cash.
The other driver, a learner,
Lived life on the slow burner,
But the rich parents' teeth started to gnash.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

The case sadly went on to court;
The police said much in their report.
Fines and damages galore;
He does not drive any more;
The judge said he needed to be taught.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

At the time of writing he's still learning;
His father is still slowly burning.
Ivor's no longer friendly
With young master Gently;
As a butler, he is very discerning.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Jump starting his car, a buffoon,
Deeply shocked himself into a swoon.
Neighbors showed no dismay,
At this oafish display,
And the card they sent read, "Wet Cell Goon."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0309

In my youth, I once owned a Jaguar,
An E-type, my God what a car!
But once as I sped,
While getting some head,
I came, and I crashed, hence this scar.
--- Tutta Gioia

There was a young man from the City;
The way that he drove was a pity.
The 30 mile sign
Was a pretty design.
His widow gets all of the kitty.
--- Miss C Garter

If you watch how most females drive,
You would thank your stars you're alive.
When they're at the wheel,
I strongly do feel
That no one could ever survive.
--- Anon

And still you manage to survive,
It's a wonder that you're all alive;
Bugged eyes popping out,
From looking about,
To see if us girlies can drive.
--- Anon

Although it may seldom appear
That men are at fault as I fear,
You may just be right.
We'll crash at the sight
Of a sexy, beautiful rear.
--- Lightbulb

A local tale, gentlemen, ladies:
A car transport driver named Davies,
Crashed, tipped off his load
All over the road,
And wrote off six brand new Mercedes.
--- Tiddy Ogg

In his '69 Chevy Chevelle,
Jerome and his sweetheart looked swell;
He hauled her sweet ass
In his hardtop with class,
As they flew like a bat out of hell.
--- Cap'n Bean P0511Q

My 'vette is a blue Chevy sedan. (Chevette)
I drive it whenever I can.
It lets me roam,
To work and to home.
(It's usually at the repair station.)
--- Misty Dragon

Next came my shitty Chevette,
Worst in the world, oh you bet!
With floor rusted through,
During rain, oh it's true!
I would become soaking wet!
--- Arden