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He's looking quite shifty today, There once was a chef called Thelonius, My neighbor, Old Lady McWince, The new chef, young David's not sane; The young apprentice chef, Luke, A cordon bleu chef down in Nice We went to a bistro in Chad, A butcher's apprentice named Tuel And Joe really loved Betty's trick, In Zurich a chef named Girard A nice gentle man from Crowder A poor clod by the name of Tod, There was a young cook name of Brook, Your cooking's a terrible thing; A young man with ambition to cook He was finished with books that were brown; With pots and pans held upside down, Nor were his breads a success; The chef at our local cafe We met in the kitchen last night -- So syrup I dripped on your neck; The honey just pooled on your chest Then I gave the mustard a squirt -- A Baltimore chef named of Frisch Food can be very erotic; Your verse has set me quite flipping, Will you tie me to the kitchen table, There was a fine lady named Anne While preparing a dinner first class, The chef de cuisine Monsieur Blunt, A girl that loved cooking, Miss Wise, Tonight I prepared Shrimp Alfredo, Said the Duchess of Windsor, "I say -- There once were two cooks from Barbados Sir, the chef's in a bit of a stew. An entre of 'Pussi Felinni' When eating, my libido gains ardour; Now cooking your own body part, Though your custard tarts are just great, A creative old chef known as Walt So, delicate reader, beware! If I pranced around in your kitchen, I'll bitch till you serve up this meal; It's a helluva fix that we're in today, Things are truly godawful today; (peccavi - humble acknowledgment of sin)
I'm playing 'kitchen bitch' again. Anything that you like I can bake, Quite mad with her knife is Joanna; Gonna eat some fried things tonight; A Cornishman, Roger Trelawney, On Sunday when Kate took her frocks off, Three days after Davey wed Mabel, "So tasty is your hot, white gravy... Oh God! How I hate nursery teas; To cook was a pleasure divine; But that's what my kids like to eat; Juvenile palates take time, Children are so immature; I decided to play 'kitchen bitch.' I tried every dish that I know, But I need a new recipe. The boss is a bastard named Brian; Now Brian's a tight-fisted bastard; The rush hour has slowed to a walk, The cooking and menus are Anna's; Our new chef is David, he's Danish; The new chef, young David's not sane;
Preparing, I think, for the fray.
He doesn't know what,
For I've hidden the pot
And the stuffing and suchlike away.
--- Peter Wilkins
Whose cooking technique was erroneous.
He thought herbs a waste,
And thus spoiled the taste.
Alas, he was too parsleymonious.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Once made me a pie out of mince,
And turtles and frogs,
And some moss scraped from logs,
And I haven't gone over there since.
--- Cap'n Bean P0410
His sauces are never just plain.
The one he delivers
With cooked and chopped livers,
Are such even Portnoy complains!
--- Anon
Made souffle's which rose as a fluke.
And if you ate one,
You'd go for a run
To a place you could privately puke!
--- Archie
Grabbed a waitress and knocked off a piece.
When her pussy went dry
He frenched his own fry,
After grabbing the wrong pan of grease.
--- Anon
One which wasn't too far from our pad,
Where so lengthy a wait
Would have made us irate,
If the food hadn't been quite so bad.
--- A N Wilkins P8709
Was tossed from the Master Bates' school.
In 'Rendering Ham'
He failed each exam --
He barely could get it to drool.
--- Anon
Though he had to give her the flick,
The day she confused
The implements used,
And somehow scrambled his dick!
--- Anon
Held a barbecue in his back yard.
His clothing ignited,
Which breezes incited,
The result that ensued was Swiss Charred.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9311
Said "What is that in my chowder?"
His wife said, "Dear,
I greatly fear
That it is talcum powder."
--- Limber Limericks
Used his hog as a lightening rod.
The bolt when it blew,
Made a Tod barbecue.
Tod's a clod as his plan was slipshod.
--- Annie Jay
Who cooked too much soup from a book.
It turned out with bad taste
And it all went to waste.
There was far too much soup for one cook.
--- Albin Chaplin
Nettle pie had a bit of a sting.
With gravy like tar,
The worst meal by far.
The spaghetti was more like old string.
--- Funny Bone
Purchased a brown-covered book.
Recipes were so creepy,
"In yak urine steep thee",
He soon forsook schnook cookbook.
--- Patrick Powers
The next one, instead, upside down.
Though shortly he flirted
With cookware inverted,
The results made him feel like a clown.
--- Patrick Powers
Any liquid would course to the ground.
With the pan on the top,
An omelette would plop
On the hearth with disheartening sound.
--- Patrick Powers
From the pans the sad loaves did egress.
"I dearly hope though,
They will refund my dough;
It took hours to clean up the mess."
--- Patrick Powers
Is also a stripper, they say.
To his customer's delight,
He performs every night,
With his meat and two veg on display.
--- Bob Hunt
Both looking for some little bite.
You fed me sultanas;
I peeled you bananas.
We found we had more appetite.
--- Ericka
Then I bit -- just to see the effect.
You covered my nipples
With butterscotch ripple --
They stood up all pert and erect.
--- Ericka
So I rubbed it all off with my breasts.
But then the whipped cream
Got stopped in mid-stream,
So you coaxed it, and kissed and caressed.
--- Ericka
Thought I'd decorate your frankfurt --
I'd love a bite
Of that hot dog tonight....
But tell me, what's for dessert?
--- Ericka
Is not known for his soups or grilled fish,
Nor succulent steaks
Nor cakes that he bakes,
But beaver flambe'd in a dish.
--- Armand E Singer 117
Cool, hot, and somewhat exotic --
Whipped cream, strawberries,
Sweet ripe red cherries,
Chocolate sauce dribbled on thick.
--- Arden
So my kitchen I've started equipping.
Your dishes sound fine,
So I've brought rope and twine,
But less for the cream than the whipping.
--- Bob Mornington
So moving I will not be able
To do readily,
While you whip me
And cream me with your thickening cable?
--- Arden
Whose talent for cooking was grand.
She'd saute' all day,
And then roll in the hay,
After carefully picking her man.
--- Margaret A Murdock P8302
The chef felt the dishwasher's ass.
As she spread out her feet
He proceeded to eat,
And she said, "You are cooking with gas."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0801
For a new recipe once did hunt.
His soup of perfection
Gave men an erection,
So he labeled it Broth de la Cunt.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1957
Made a meal that would win a first prize.
She invited young Hunt,
But he first ate her cunt,
Then her asshole and all her French fries.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1302
Served hot with mescal from Laredo.
Then, as is my credo,
I boffed my new maid-o,
Like I was a Kansas tornado.
--- Travis Brasell
Our new cook is a really good lay.
He's the best that I've had."
Said the Duke, "But Egad!!
Can the man make a decent souffle?"
--- Michael Weinstein P8307
This is file erm
Who dated two buxom tomatoes.
After lengthly maneuvers
They said, "That's the hors d'oeuvres;
Now prepare for the meat and potatoes!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G1487
When the waitress at post number 2,
Comes into the kitchen,
He's so busy hitchin'
His pants, that he burns the ragout.
--- John Ciardi
And fresh nips on hot titilinni,
Are succulent, filling,
And make dining thrilling,
When stuffed with my plump, juicy wienni.
--- Anon
I'm aroused just approaching the larder.
It's amazing how food
Can alter the mood.
Good cooking makes my willie grow harder.
--- Bob Mornington
While still attached, isn't too smart.
So you fancied things quick
And you thought that your dick,
Would taste better than a custard tart.
--- Funny Bone
You wisdom is just second rate.
You said, "I'll cook more,
If the girls you'll ignore",
Which left me angry, pissed off and irate.
--- Bob Mornington
Claims that really, it isn't his fault
If a recipe calls
For some sweat from his balls,
Instead of commercial-grade salt.
--- Norm Storer
Please take pains to avoid old Walt's fare.
You might, if in haste,
Fail to notice the taste,
But you'd surely discover the hair!
--- Norm Storer
You would find me very bewitchin'.
But I will not dance
Just 'cause you wear pants;
It's your turn to just quit your bitchin'.
--- Anon
I've not had a taste nor a feel.
Just go take a look
In that real good sex book,
Then go to the kitchen and kneel!
--- Anon
When the spread of sin means there'll be hell to pay,
Causing moral delinquency
With increasing frequency,
By the Pentagon, Marv Albert, and the Frugal Gourmet.
--- Arthur Deex P9710
Spreading sin demands much hell to pay:
There's Marv Albert, the Navy,
They should all cry, Peccavi!
And I blush for the Frugal Gourmet.
--- Armand Singer P9711
Making goodies and treats for friends.
I'll give them away,
On Christmas Day,
And some in the mail I will send.
--- Anon
Whether it's cookies, pies, or cakes.
But my sweet cherry tart,
Will fill your 'heart',
And mine, if you lick clean the plate.
--- Anon
She wields it in dangerous manner.
She cuts up her fries
With frightening cries,
And startles a sleeping iguana!
--- Archie
Joanna will cook 'em up right.
Mad knifers are fine;
Glad am I we'll dine;
Banana fritters in moonlight.
--- Anon
At 110 was still horny.
"I've never had droop
On account of this soup",
He said, supping his Mulligatawny.
--- Peter Wilkins
I hoped that I might get my rocks off.
Tried Mulligatawny
To make myself horny,
And man, it did quite blow my socks off.
--- Peter Wilkins
He sat down to dine at their table;
Said he, "Looks delicious!"
Said she, "And nutritious,
I'll cook like this, long as I'm able."
--- Travis Brasell
I love it!" roared Mabel's groom Davey;
"You do?" Mabel teased,
"I'm glad that you're pleased,
I bottled it from the Queen's Navy!"
--- Travis Brasell
The cooking of which does not please
My taste buds at all;
They do not enthrall
Or give raptures with consumate ease.
--- Joy
Five senses all used at one time.
But nuggets and noodles,
Chips and such spew dulls
The palate -- to serve them's a crime.
--- Joy
On their menu of life they're a treat.
To cook them's a bore,
A time-wasting chore,
And to make them eat real food's a feat.
--- Joy
Developing tastes for wild thyme.
So in the mean while
You're stuck with that pile
Of chippy and noodley slime.
--- Tutta Gioia
They're something I cannot endure;
Naturally picky
And cranky and icky,
I'm afraid time's the only known cure.
--- Karen
(Yeah I know, for me a real switch.)
Cooking and baking,
All day I was making,
Cookies and pies very rich.
--- Anon
From Betty to Pilsbury dough.
I baked for hours,
Was covered in flour,
I watched every good cooking show.
--- Anon
One very delicious, you see.
And full of hot spice,
So he won't think twice,
When he takes a big bite out of me.
--- Anon
Sold his soul to the Devil who's trying
To collect quite a few
For his next BBQ,
And some serious high temp deep frying!
--- Archie
As Scrooge he is really typecasted.
If we get him alone,
He truly will groan,
For we'll leave him rudely dis-masted!
--- Archie
But don't stand around here and talk.
The manager watches
For staff in great swatches,
And at their employment will balk!
--- Archie
Though Iberian she won't wear bandanas.
She just loves torquin',
And hot Spanish pork'in,
And the things that she does with bananas.
--- Archie
His girlfriend is Helga; she's Swedish.
She says, "He's no wee gun,
Does laps with a big one--
If he keeps it up, we'll be finish!"
--- Archie
His sauces are never just plain.
The ones he delivers
With cooked and chopped livers,
Are such even Portnoy complains!
--- Archie
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