He's looking quite shifty today,
Preparing, I think, for the fray.
He doesn't know what,
For I've hidden the pot
And the stuffing and suchlike away.
--- Peter Wilkins

There once was a chef called Thelonius,
Whose cooking technique was erroneous.
He thought herbs a waste,
And thus spoiled the taste.
Alas, he was too parsleymonious.
--- Tiddy Ogg

My neighbor, Old Lady McWince,
Once made me a pie out of mince,
And turtles and frogs,
And some moss scraped from logs,
And I haven't gone over there since.
--- Cap'n Bean P0410

The new chef, young David's not sane;
His sauces are never just plain.
The one he delivers
With cooked and chopped livers,
Are such even Portnoy complains!
--- Anon

The young apprentice chef, Luke,
Made souffle's which rose as a fluke.
And if you ate one,
You'd go for a run
To a place you could privately puke!
--- Archie

A cordon bleu chef down in Nice
Grabbed a waitress and knocked off a piece.
When her pussy went dry
He frenched his own fry,
After grabbing the wrong pan of grease.
--- Anon

We went to a bistro in Chad,
One which wasn't too far from our pad,
Where so lengthy a wait
Would have made us irate,
If the food hadn't been quite so bad.
--- A N Wilkins P8709

A butcher's apprentice named Tuel
Was tossed from the Master Bates' school.
In 'Rendering Ham'
He failed each exam --
He barely could get it to drool.
--- Anon

And Joe really loved Betty's trick,
Though he had to give her the flick,
The day she confused
The implements used,
And somehow scrambled his dick!
--- Anon

In Zurich a chef named Girard
Held a barbecue in his back yard.
His clothing ignited,
Which breezes incited,
The result that ensued was Swiss Charred.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9311

A nice gentle man from Crowder
Said "What is that in my chowder?"
His wife said, "Dear,
I greatly fear
That it is talcum powder."
--- Limber Limericks

A poor clod by the name of Tod,
Used his hog as a lightening rod.
The bolt when it blew,
Made a Tod barbecue.
Tod's a clod as his plan was slipshod.
--- Annie Jay

There was a young cook name of Brook,
Who cooked too much soup from a book.
It turned out with bad taste
And it all went to waste.
There was far too much soup for one cook.
--- Albin Chaplin

Your cooking's a terrible thing;
Nettle pie had a bit of a sting.
With gravy like tar,
The worst meal by far.
The spaghetti was more like old string.
--- Funny Bone

A young man with ambition to cook
Purchased a brown-covered book.
Recipes were so creepy,
"In yak urine steep thee",
He soon forsook schnook cookbook.
--- Patrick Powers

He was finished with books that were brown;
The next one, instead, upside down.
Though shortly he flirted
With cookware inverted,
The results made him feel like a clown.
--- Patrick Powers

With pots and pans held upside down,
Any liquid would course to the ground.
With the pan on the top,
An omelette would plop
On the hearth with disheartening sound.
--- Patrick Powers

Nor were his breads a success;
From the pans the sad loaves did egress.
"I dearly hope though,
They will refund my dough;
It took hours to clean up the mess."
--- Patrick Powers

The chef at our local cafe
Is also a stripper, they say.
To his customer's delight,
He performs every night,
With his meat and two veg on display.
--- Bob Hunt

We met in the kitchen last night --
Both looking for some little bite.
You fed me sultanas;
I peeled you bananas.
We found we had more appetite.
--- Ericka

So syrup I dripped on your neck;
Then I bit -- just to see the effect.
You covered my nipples
With butterscotch ripple --
They stood up all pert and erect.
--- Ericka

The honey just pooled on your chest
So I rubbed it all off with my breasts.
But then the whipped cream
Got stopped in mid-stream,
So you coaxed it, and kissed and caressed.
--- Ericka

Then I gave the mustard a squirt --
Thought I'd decorate your frankfurt --
I'd love a bite
Of that hot dog tonight....
But tell me, what's for dessert?
--- Ericka

A Baltimore chef named of Frisch
Is not known for his soups or grilled fish,
Nor succulent steaks
Nor cakes that he bakes,
But beaver flambe'd in a dish.
--- Armand E Singer 117

Food can be very erotic;
Cool, hot, and somewhat exotic --
Whipped cream, strawberries,
Sweet ripe red cherries,
Chocolate sauce dribbled on thick.
--- Arden

Your verse has set me quite flipping,
So my kitchen I've started equipping.
Your dishes sound fine,
So I've brought rope and twine,
But less for the cream than the whipping.
--- Bob Mornington

Will you tie me to the kitchen table,
So moving I will not be able
To do readily,
While you whip me
And cream me with your thickening cable?
--- Arden

There was a fine lady named Anne
Whose talent for cooking was grand.
She'd saute' all day,
And then roll in the hay,
After carefully picking her man.
--- Margaret A Murdock P8302

While preparing a dinner first class,
The chef felt the dishwasher's ass.
As she spread out her feet
He proceeded to eat,
And she said, "You are cooking with gas."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0801

The chef de cuisine Monsieur Blunt,
For a new recipe once did hunt.
His soup of perfection
Gave men an erection,
So he labeled it Broth de la Cunt.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1957

A girl that loved cooking, Miss Wise,
Made a meal that would win a first prize.
She invited young Hunt,
But he first ate her cunt,
Then her asshole and all her French fries.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1302

Tonight I prepared Shrimp Alfredo,
Served hot with mescal from Laredo.
Then, as is my credo,
I boffed my new maid-o,
Like I was a Kansas tornado.
--- Travis Brasell

Said the Duchess of Windsor, "I say --
Our new cook is a really good lay.
He's the best that I've had."
Said the Duke, "But Egad!!
Can the man make a decent souffle?"
--- Michael Weinstein P8307

This is file erm

There once were two cooks from Barbados
Who dated two buxom tomatoes.
After lengthly maneuvers
They said, "That's the hors d'oeuvres;
Now prepare for the meat and potatoes!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G1487

Sir, the chef's in a bit of a stew.
When the waitress at post number 2,
Comes into the kitchen,
He's so busy hitchin'
His pants, that he burns the ragout.
--- John Ciardi

An entre of 'Pussi Felinni'
And fresh nips on hot titilinni,
Are succulent, filling,
And make dining thrilling,
When stuffed with my plump, juicy wienni.
--- Anon

When eating, my libido gains ardour;
I'm aroused just approaching the larder.
It's amazing how food
Can alter the mood.
Good cooking makes my willie grow harder.
--- Bob Mornington

Now cooking your own body part,
While still attached, isn't too smart.
So you fancied things quick
And you thought that your dick,
Would taste better than a custard tart.
--- Funny Bone

Though your custard tarts are just great,
You wisdom is just second rate.
You said, "I'll cook more,
If the girls you'll ignore",
Which left me angry, pissed off and irate.
--- Bob Mornington

A creative old chef known as Walt
Claims that really, it isn't his fault
If a recipe calls
For some sweat from his balls,
Instead of commercial-grade salt.
--- Norm Storer

So, delicate reader, beware!
Please take pains to avoid old Walt's fare.
You might, if in haste,
Fail to notice the taste,
But you'd surely discover the hair!
--- Norm Storer

If I pranced around in your kitchen,
You would find me very bewitchin'.
But I will not dance
Just 'cause you wear pants;
It's your turn to just quit your bitchin'.
--- Anon

I'll bitch till you serve up this meal;
I've not had a taste nor a feel.
Just go take a look
In that real good sex book,
Then go to the kitchen and kneel!
--- Anon

It's a helluva fix that we're in today,
When the spread of sin means there'll be hell to pay,
Causing moral delinquency
With increasing frequency,
By the Pentagon, Marv Albert, and the Frugal Gourmet.
--- Arthur Deex P9710

Things are truly godawful today;
Spreading sin demands much hell to pay:
There's Marv Albert, the Navy,
They should all cry, Peccavi!
And I blush for the Frugal Gourmet.

(peccavi - humble acknowledgment of sin)
--- Armand Singer P9711

I'm playing 'kitchen bitch' again.
Making goodies and treats for friends.
I'll give them away,
On Christmas Day,
And some in the mail I will send.
--- Anon

Anything that you like I can bake,
Whether it's cookies, pies, or cakes.
But my sweet cherry tart,
Will fill your 'heart',
And mine, if you lick clean the plate.
--- Anon

Quite mad with her knife is Joanna;
She wields it in dangerous manner.
She cuts up her fries
With frightening cries,
And startles a sleeping iguana!
--- Archie

Gonna eat some fried things tonight;
Joanna will cook 'em up right.
Mad knifers are fine;
Glad am I we'll dine;
Banana fritters in moonlight.
--- Anon

A Cornishman, Roger Trelawney,
At 110 was still horny.
"I've never had droop
On account of this soup",
He said, supping his Mulligatawny.
--- Peter Wilkins

On Sunday when Kate took her frocks off,
I hoped that I might get my rocks off.
Tried Mulligatawny
To make myself horny,
And man, it did quite blow my socks off.
--- Peter Wilkins

Three days after Davey wed Mabel,
He sat down to dine at their table;
Said he, "Looks delicious!"
Said she, "And nutritious,
I'll cook like this, long as I'm able."
--- Travis Brasell

"So tasty is your hot, white gravy...
I love it!" roared Mabel's groom Davey;
"You do?" Mabel teased,
"I'm glad that you're pleased,
I bottled it from the Queen's Navy!"
--- Travis Brasell

Oh God! How I hate nursery teas;
The cooking of which does not please
My taste buds at all;
They do not enthrall
Or give raptures with consumate ease.
--- Joy

To cook was a pleasure divine;
Five senses all used at one time.
But nuggets and noodles,
Chips and such spew dulls
The palate -- to serve them's a crime.
--- Joy

But that's what my kids like to eat;
On their menu of life they're a treat.
To cook them's a bore,
A time-wasting chore,
And to make them eat real food's a feat.
--- Joy

Juvenile palates take time,
Developing tastes for wild thyme.
So in the mean while
You're stuck with that pile
Of chippy and noodley slime.
--- Tutta Gioia

Children are so immature;
They're something I cannot endure;
Naturally picky
And cranky and icky,
I'm afraid time's the only known cure.
--- Karen

I decided to play 'kitchen bitch.'
(Yeah I know, for me a real switch.)
Cooking and baking,
All day I was making,
Cookies and pies very rich.
--- Anon

I tried every dish that I know,
From Betty to Pilsbury dough.
I baked for hours,
Was covered in flour,
I watched every good cooking show.
--- Anon

But I need a new recipe.
One very delicious, you see.
And full of hot spice,
So he won't think twice,
When he takes a big bite out of me.
--- Anon

The boss is a bastard named Brian;
Sold his soul to the Devil who's trying
To collect quite a few
For his next BBQ,
And some serious high temp deep frying!
--- Archie

Now Brian's a tight-fisted bastard;
As Scrooge he is really typecasted.
If we get him alone,
He truly will groan,
For we'll leave him rudely dis-masted!
--- Archie

The rush hour has slowed to a walk,
But don't stand around here and talk.
The manager watches
For staff in great swatches,
And at their employment will balk!
--- Archie

The cooking and menus are Anna's;
Though Iberian she won't wear bandanas.
She just loves torquin',
And hot Spanish pork'in,
And the things that she does with bananas.
--- Archie

Our new chef is David, he's Danish;
His girlfriend is Helga; she's Swedish.
She says, "He's no wee gun,
Does laps with a big one--
If he keeps it up, we'll be finish!"
--- Archie

The new chef, young David's not sane;
His sauces are never just plain.
The ones he delivers
With cooked and chopped livers,
Are such even Portnoy complains!
--- Archie