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The train driver told his young stoker: As a steam engine drove through the night, A steam railway buff, of a kind, An impetuous Welshman called Caine Villain Vick cried, "Alas and alack! A man with insurance to gain, There was a young man from Fort Worth "Dear Absolute Nerd-and-a-half; "And there on the platform I stand "Dear Agony Aunt, it's absurd "So Agony Aunt, your advice: "I live with my Great Auntie Flo; There once were some learned MD's, There was a young fellow from Tyne, A young engine driver a Crewe, There was a young lady from Clyde, If you're hoping to travel by train, Great-grandfather at Waterloo, (Waterloo Station in London)
A crafty young man in E.3 In London for getting around, It's just what one passenger tried, The train circled 'round (to the best They called in a doctor who said, The train stayed at Westminster Sta- They brought in the cops to assist The whole of the underground sys- 'Mid grumbles and curses and groans, One guy in a carriage of wom- They pounced on him; stripping him na- When the District Line came to a stand On the Northern Line, heaving and hot, ...Quite excited and asked if they could On the line that they call Piccadilly, The Jubilee Line was the one The passengers stood all around; On the Waterloo-City Line, Bank When the Bakerloo Underground stopped ...In the very best underwear store The Hammersmith-City Line guys But the Central Line passengers had On the old Metropolitan Line They just grumbled and moaned as they sat; The Victoria Line was delayed ...Up to sixty-five pounds for a quick It's always the same in this city; A confession -- it's only verse two While packed like sardines in the train, I once had a gal in a flap These hot summer days in the city There's cleavage in front of my eyes; I frequently find that my hand Surrounded by titties which press The old Hammersmith City Line It's no good complaining to me; So what, if it's way after four? Today I've been promised a treat; The last time she said that to me, This next train's a diesel turbine; Poor Tiddy Ogg is dead; "The train now at platform thirteen, At platform 9, special excursion: "A single to Ware, please," said Dan. "Now cloth-ears, just listen to me; "Just give me a ticket to Ware! So instead he is going to Morrow, Last night I was limp as a rag Of course I don't normally screw
"It's time for a game of strip poker.
It's a grand thing to do
As you're speeding through Crewe,
And when Elsie gets on, we'll de-coke her." (?? - McW)
--- Kevin Hale Q
Quite transfixed on the track, by it's light,
Stood a gent from Peru,
Who was severed in two,
When it struck him with all of it's might.
--- Cap'n Bean P0103
Stole an engine when out of his mind.
But the train hit a buffer
And the silly old duffer
Was left with a tender behind.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Threw some half-eaten fish from the train.
It struck an MP
Which, I'm sure you'll agree,
Showed a truly impeccable aim.
--- Michael Palin
When I tied Sally Snobb to the track,
Faithful Fred threw the switch
And the train missed that bitch!
Oh Lord, won't you cut me some slack?"
--- William N Nesbit P0010
Took his wife (who's exceedingly plain),
On a trip over a chasm
When she felt quite a spasm,
As he threw her fat ass off the train.
--- Anon
Who, on a train, was assigned a short berth.
When he got an erection,
It enlarged the whole section;
It wasn't the length, but the girth!
--- Bpostma
I've conducted a poll of my staff
And we all quite agree
There's no hope for you, see;
Though you gave us one hell of a laugh!"
--- Anon
With my train-spotter's notebook in hand.
If it's cold then I wear
Thermal undies, I swear,
Which I buy from a shop second-hand."
--- Anon
That I'm 40 (and nearly a third).
I'm still spotty, wear specs,
And I've never had sex,
For the ladies all think I'm a nerd."
--- Anon
Please; I'd like to meet somebody nice.
Are there ladies out there
Who would treat me with care;
Even possibly look at me twice?"
--- Anon
We go out once a fortnight or so
To the pub for a very
Small medium sherry,
Then off to the station I go."
--- Anon
Who captured some germs of disease.
And infected a train,
Which, without causing pain,
Allowed hundreds to catch it with ease.
--- Oliver Herdord
Put his head on the South Eastern line.
But he died of ennui,
For the 5:53,
Didn't come till a quarter past nine.
--- Anon
Put his old chewing gum in the flue.
A boy standing by
Said, "Now I know why
The engine says, "Chew-chew-chew-chew!"
--- Anon
Who'd no ticket on which to ride.
So she told the conductor
Who immediately fucked her,
And gave her two dollars besides.
--- Anon
Then you're totally out of your brain.
You'll be squashed in the rush;
The compartment's a crush;
And you're wedged next to Robbie Coltrane.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Fought solidly all the day through.
He slashed and he hacked,
Through bodies tight-packed,
And managed to reach Platform Two.
--- Frank Richards
Dug his cellar as deep as could be.
He said, "It's a ruse
That often I use.
I can jump on the Underground -- free!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Use the tube system far underground;
And for shirking one's work
Take the tube-line called Circ-
le and sleep while you circulate round.
--- Peter Wilkins
Having drunk too much whisky and cid-
er. He kept going 'round
And was sleeping so sound-
ly that everyone thought he had died.
--- Peter Wilkins
Of my knowledge) eight times when at West-
minster, some said "Driv-
er, this guy's not alive;
The emergency stop I have pressed!"
--- Peter Wilkins
"This old geezer's undoubtedly dead.
But I fear that the am-
bulance ordered is jamm-
ed in a gridlock in streets overhead."
--- Peter Wilkins
tion from much of the rest of the day.
And the passengers got
Understandably hot
'Neath the collar and caused an affray.
--- Peter Wilkins
In restoring some order. "Resist,
And we'll have you arrest-
ed (Her Majesty's "guest")
If you don't stop this riot. Desist!"
--- Peter Wilkins
tem soon came to a halt 'cause of this;
And those passengers stand-
ing in trains which were strand-
ed in tunnels had nowhere to piss.
--- Peter Wilkins
There were fidgeting feminine moans;
And some ladies said, "Got
to go now", and they squat-
ed while gentlemen fingered their bones.
--- Peter Wilkins
en excited by acres of quim,
Waved his todger about.
"Let me screw you!" he'd shout.
The ladies just laughed as his limb.
--- Peter Wilkins
ked and giggled and said, "Now we'll play
With your sorry wee thing
Like an old piece of string."
His excitement just faded away.
--- Peter Wilkins
Between Charing Cross Station and Strand,
All the passengers said,
"Let's pretend we're in bed,"
And they all gave each other a hand.
--- Peter Wilkins
There was no place for ladies to squat.
And though none of them piddled,
They fiddled and diddled
And most of the gentlemen got...
--- Peter Wilkins
Be permitted to fondle their wood.
The ladies said, "Yes!"
And began to undress
For an orgy tremendously good.
--- Peter Wilkins
A driver was stuck in a chilly
Old tunnet and said
To his co-driver Fred,
"Do you mind if I play with your willy?"
--- Peter Wilkins
This is file erl
Where a catholic priest and a nun,
Overcome with desire,
Said, "To hell with the fire
And the brimstone; let's have us some fun!"
--- Peter Wilkins
Cheered as they fell to the ground,
Where they wrestled with habits;
Went at it like rabbits,
And charged all the viewers a pound.
--- Peter Wilkins
Is the station to aim for, but frank-
ly it's full of old guys
Wearing public school ties,
And they did what they always do -- wank.
--- Peter Wilkins
In a tunnel, the gentlemen dropped
To the floor for a leer
At the underwear gear
'Neath the dresses of ladies who shopped...
--- Peter Wilkins
In the center of London. They saw
Quite a forest of muff
'Stead of silky red stuff
And the ladies said, "Wanna see more?"
--- Peter Wilkins
Couldn't believe their good luck or their eyes,
For the train was quite full
Of young ladies from school,
Who kept crossing uncrossing their thighs.
--- Peter Wilkins
It much worse than the others; it's sad,
For the heat was too much
For a sensuous touch
And I fear it drove most of them mad.
--- Peter Wilkins
They suspended the service for nine
And two-thirds of an hour;
But the passnegers' sour
And grim faces were hardly divine.
--- Peter Wilkins
No flirtatiously interesting chat.
In one carrieage they hunch-
ed, it is true, in a bunch,
But were only avoiding a rat.
--- Peter Wilkins
Outside Bond Street. A whore and her maid
In the carriage up front
Had a whole queue of punt-
ers. For services rendered they paid...
--- Peter Wilkins
In-and-out and ten pounds for a dick-
finger shuffle. (The maid
Had the job to disuade
Voyeurs with a genital kick.)
--- Peter Wilkins
The underground system is shitty.
A problem or three
Causes havoc you see;
The results I've described in this ditty.
--- Peter Wilkins
And verse three which are actually true.
And the guy who was sound-
ly asleep underground
Was alive. But his name? Not a clue.
--- Peter Wilkins
I pressed hard against sweet young Lorraine.
The tube train's vibration
Caused us excitation...
My pants are all sticky again.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Right after a braking mishap.
When pulled from her chest,
They found I had messed
All over her nice sumptuous gap
--- SFA
Bring out all the gorgeous and pretty
Young girls. In the crush
Of the Underground rush
Hour, I find I'm surrounded by titty.
--- Anon
And there's cleavage behind, I surmise.
For there's cleavage in sight
To my left and my right,
Which these girlies don't try to disguise.
--- Anon
Is cupped over a mammary gland;
But it isn't my fault
If we suddenly halt
At a station and come to a stand.
--- Anon
In my face and my chest, I confess,
Makes commuting worthwhile;
I've a permanent smile
And a stiffie that needs a caress.
--- Anon
Is not a very pretty line.
So reduce your loss,
Change at Kings Cross;
Get on the InterCity Line.
--- Richard Long
I'm only the manager, see?
Okay, you're irate,
But be patient and wait
For the one due at quarter-to-three.
--- Peter Wilkins
A problem we had with a door.
It kind of dropped off
On a bend -- you may scoff,
But the driver will fix it for sure.
--- Peter Wilkins
Naughty Jane on the train's booked a seat
Next to mine and she's told
Me she's feeling quite bold;
But I think I shall beat a retreat.
--- Anon
I accepted her offer with glee.
But I fear it's so cramped on
Those trains that my hampton
Exploded all over my knee.
--- Anon
You can tell by the distinctive whine.
But just to make sure,
I'll get down on the floor
And put my left ear to the l...
--- Fred
A train ran over his head.
He was a bit of a bore
And his limericks were poor,
But still, he was no good in bed.
--- Fred
Departs about 14:15;
And if you're in luck,
You'll have time for a fuck,
If it stops between Feltham and Sheen.
--- Peter Wilkins
The staff will all read from that Persian
Manual on sex,
While passengers dex-
Terously practice all kinds of perversion.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"To where, sir?" "To Ware, if I can."
"But where?" "I said Ware."
"But I don't know the fare
'Less you tell me where to, understand?"
--- Peter Wilkins
It's Ware up in Herts I must be."
"That narrows it down,
Sir, now tell me which town
For I need to know where, don't you see?"
--- Peter Wilkins
I'm losing my temper, I swear."
"Me too, mate, now leave
And let go of my sleeve,
For there's no fucking fare, mate, to where."
--- Peter Wilkins
Because he has learned to his sorrow,
You can't get to Ware;
There's no way to get there,
Unless there's a bike you can borrow.
--- Tomea
For my train coming home, hit a snag
And we sweltered for hour
After hour without power;
Too exhausted for even a shag.
--- Peter Wilkins
When commuting to London, that's true;
If however the chance
Had been there for romance,
I would hardly have known what to do.
--- Peter Wilkins
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