When chefs cook Risotto, we need
To invoke the kitchenhands creed.
And using two bricks,
Use the sultans old tricks,
And quickly, before they can breed.
--- Archie

You're lame 'cause Joanna's quite wild
And cutting up Moms fav'rite child.
You can't sit and beg
With only one leg,
And the Chef is now really riled!
--- Archie

One leg! Why that rotten old bitch!
You can't chop the leg off a witch.
I know this good spell
That will make her yell,
From really bad, horrid crotch itch.
--- Marty

This invite's to all who are able
To come to Maude's fine dinner table,
On Tuesday each week
At eight o'clock peak;
Your hostess will be "Stretchmark Mable."
--- Travis Brasell

There will be a scrumptious buffet,
For one low price you will pay.
See Stretch for your ticket
She holds in her thicket.
We'll put out all that we can lay.
--- Travis Brasell

The menu has passed all the tests.
There's thighs, legs and succulent breasts,
Large rumps in hot juice
With crepes-a-la-douche,
Plus cherries in sizzling nests.
--- Travis Brasell

For those with an exotic taste,
There's sausages braised with white paste,
And Wienerwurst stout
That slides in and out
Of buns soaked in cream without haste.
--- Travis Brasell

For more, you should wave your tail flag;
Your servers will please, without nag.
They'll come where you lay;
They may even say,
"Take more in our doggie-style bag!"
--- Travis Brasell

Attire for the night will be "Nude";
All patrons must act very lewd.
If you're asked to pass
A dish, don't be crass.
We won't tolerate being rude.
--- Travis Brasell

A rutterkin lived in a dingle,
Dretching his theow, who would dringle,
"Your crug's no great loss,
Nor you snawky slibber-sauce.
Such lubber-wort just make me pingle!"
--- Susan K Sperling P8309

Rutterkin - swaggering boor Dingle - shady dell by hills
Dretching - tormenting Theow - servant
Dringle - waste time lazily Crug - bread dipped in beer
Snawky - nauseating Lubber-wort - junk food
Slibber-sauce - concoctions usualy medical

Pingle - to eat with no appetite
--- Susan K Sperling P8309

An anemic young woman, Miss Wyatt,
Said, "I need more iron in my diet."
She sat down to a plate
Of large nails. I must state
That her gnashing was not very quite.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

A shvengering West Palm gal's craving
Some good kosher food--She is raving,
"Bring home cream cheese and lox,
And of bagels, a box,
Oy vey! It's my life you are saving!"
--- Robert A Norman P9507

A greedy young schoolboy named Mark
Ate bananas all week for a lark.
And when he was done,
Gobbled nuts by the ton.
Now he swings through the trees in the park.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

One who read Science online,
Lived sprightly till age ninety-nine.
He knew from the stats
That he shouldn't eat fats,
And instead he drank blueberry wine.
--- Prof M-G

A millionaire's son went on trips
In jets and luxury ships.
But all he would eat
In cold or in heat,
Were platefuls of burgers and chips.
--- Anon

Put on your big baggy clothes;
Stretch out in sleepy repose.
You need a rest
To help you digest;
Burp and fart to ease your woes.
--- Karen

There once was a colorful fellow,
Whose skin looked like lemony Jello.
'Twas the carrots he ate
By the pound and the crate,
That turned him from white into yellow.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

The sword swallower promised to try it
And went to the drugstore to buy it --
A tonic much touted
By his doctor, who doubted
That he had enough iron in his diet.
--- A N Wilkins P8711

There was a dyspeptic old Dago
Who lived on hot water and sago;
When people asked why,
He made this reply,
"Well, it's better than chronic lumbago."
--- Anon Punch 1926 (Bibby)

Use only lean meat in your diet.
It's best that you grill it, not fry it.
Some say, better still,
If you have a strong will,
When you go to the market, don't buy it.
--- Dorman John Grace P9504

There are practices, quite a high stack,
All defined by the proof that they lack;
These alternative health
Methods sure gather wealth,
But when challenged, they duck like a quack!
--- Anon

There was a young fellow of Fyfe
Who often embarrassed his wife.
He wasn't a satyr,
Or prevaricator,
He just ate his eggs with his knife.
--- Warrick Elrod

I've seen this amazing new diet;
Post-Christmas I feel I should try it.
It tells me to fast
Until New Years is passed;
But on second thought, I won't buy it.
--- Ken Rose

Though his mother had said to him, "Never
Eat fast. It's fatal endeavor."
He ate fast and faster
Till he met with disaster,
And now he is fasting forever.
--- Laurence Perrine P9504

A young man both hungry and odd
Decided to dine upon sod.
To do this he dared,
But was quite unprepared,
For the weeds that grew out of his bod.
--- Will Duquette

It's time for that diet by Pritikin.
My size uses up every "bit-of-skin".
I will no longer eat
Processed foods, fats and meat.
Doing that will make me feel "fit-again".
--- Bob Aldrich

After the South Beach Diet entre,
What was left, might make a buffet.
Those leftovers could be
A rich, new recipe,
But dieters just throw them away.
--- Bob Aldrich

An eccentric old man from Herne Bay
Lived on garlic and decomposed hay.
He said, "Though the smell
Often makes me unwell,
It does keep the midges away."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

They say that the way to men's hearts
Is good food from soup to tarts.
A chocolate eclair
Will stiffen him there,
But too much will give him the farts.
--- Bob Mornington

There once was a woman named Maude,
Whose figure was terribly broad.
She devoured outright
All the candy in sight,
And on small wooden objects she gnawed!
--- Vassar W Smith P9504

A black Benedictine from Prinknash (Prinatch)

That soon he was sated
By that which he hated,
And gorged on green gherkins from Greenwich.
--- Harold C Bibby

A gourmet who lived in Butte, no less,
Wanted his meals to be tofu-less.
"The smell is not savory;
The taste is not flavory,
And those who like it become scrofulous."
--- Tiddy Ogg

This is file eqm

"Eat beans," say the strict vegetarians,
"For meat-eaters are not but barbarians."
Well, that is old news,
But what, I oft muse,
Is the diet of humanitarians.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Try not to indulge in much junk,
It puts me in quite a funk.
But, alas, forsooth,
I have a sweet tooth --
So into the junk I have slunk.
--- Sue Johnson

Cold pie and lots of ice cream;
Calories burn like a dream.
The colder the sweet,
The more you can eat.
Burn off all the fat in the steam!
--- Karen

A couple concerned with inflation
And, in general, the state of the nation,
Said, "With prices this way
That they're going today,
We'll just have to eat Kennel Ration."
--- Virginia Bennet

They stuck to their new diet plan
'Til one day Pa looked up from his can.
"Ma, You're going too far;
I just chased a car,
And this morning I bit the mailman."
--- Virginia Bennett

There was an old alchemist, Strensall,
Who studied his chamber utensil.
His conclusion, sincere,
Was an egg in your beer
Could be used to put lead in your pencil.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2324

If your memory's failing, take heed;
Lecithin may be just what you need.
Egg yolks contain it;
Those who disdain it
Won't have idling brains brought to speed.
--- Esther Koch

Come here, let me fix you a snack,
I've brought it along in this sack.
Some good wine and cheese,
It is sure to please,
With dessert that will make your lips smack.
--- Anon

Among the world's greatest illusions--
Along with the New Year Resolutions;
Love, Honor, Obey;
And Armistice Day--
And diets, our long term solutions.
--- Irving Superior P9504

For my breakfast, I'm always a fan
Of a cereal made out of bran.
It's not a vulgarity
To prize regularity,
So try some as soon as you can.
--- Sheila B

A lady I know from Norwich,
Is kinky about lumpy porridge.
She will go to a fete
And then order a plate,
And that takes a great deal of corridge.
--- Max Bygraves

There was a shopper, who with a frown,
Passed over eggs that were brown.
But, after all,
It's cholesterol
In an omelet, that will get you down.
--- William K Alsop Jr

Cholesterol? It's not a hex!
The answer's not really complex.
Defeating a lipid,
With diet's insipid;
Instead we use marathon sex!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Seriously though, it's no joke,
For this Mueslix is great for us folk,
Who are ... cough, splutter, yuk!
Shit! It's horrible muck,
And the bloody stuff's making me choke.
--- Anon

I've never found Mueslix enthusing;
But now that I've given up boozing,
I find that it's taste
(Unlike wallpaper paste),
Is quite pleasantly bland and amusing.
--- Anon

A parent, otherwise apt and able,
Raised his kids in a two-horse stable.
And fed them all day
Apparently on hay.
How odd that they never said neigh.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I follow Doc Atkin's direction,
And cut carbs to get weight correction.
I know I'll grow fat,
If low fat and no fat,
Aren't guides to my menu selection.
--- Bob Aldrich

A hamburger, fries, and a Coke
At a fast-food joint won't make you broke.
But think of the calories,
Lined up in galleries --
Those, my friend, should make you choke.
--- Norm Storer

You left without telling me, Sue.
I suppose you and he are now through.
And you missed me? Oh yes?
Well I couln't care less
What you do while I'm having me stew.
--- Peter Wilkins

There was a young man who would feast
On nothing but lumps of fresh yeast.
It was hard in the morn
To rise up at dawn,
But the yeast got him started, at least.
--- Anon

A stubborn old woman named Beryl
Did dangerous things at her peril.
She swallowed sharp things,
Like barbed wire and springs,
And refused to eat anything sterile.
--- Anon

Whenever I'm feeling sultanic
Or know that I'm getting volcanic,
I nourish my soul
With a cinnamon roll,
And recall that I'm only organic.
--- Limber Limericks

"Offal!" I just love that word!
Thesauri say "filth", that's absurd.
It's got a bad name,
Got covered with shame,
'Cause peasants ate all undeterred.
--- Tutta Gioia

When he saw a fat salesman named Fred
Make a meal off of cheese and rye bread,
"Are you on a diet?"
Inquired Mr. Wyatt.
"No, I'm on commission," he said.
--- A N Wilkins P8402

The English say mornings are rough,
So for breakfast, eat oodles of stuff,
Like bangers and beans
And mushrooms and greens,
But the French say one egg is an oeuf.
--- Hugh Clary

The Irish, likewise, stuff the gullet
With rashers and champ and will pullet
Eggs done over easy.
It makes me so queasy,
I share it, sometimes with the mullet.
--- Liam na Beag

While perusing the menu for tea
With my three year old sat on my knee,
I said "Just my luck...
I'll have an Orange Duck."
"Think I'll have a green one", said she!
--- Joie de Vivre

A PB&J lover from Radcliffe
Loved it more when her lover got stiff.
He then couldn't fuck her
Till he smeared her with Smucker's
And coated his pecker with Jiff.

(loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)
--- Stephen Cordwell

All people, regardless of wealth,
Watch their diets, except Mr. Felth.
He eats bumble bees
And buffalo knees;
He also has poor mental health.
--- Al Willis T9711

A twit of a gardener named Hugh
Planted ragweed to flavor his stew.
Asked how he could munch
On ragweed for lunch,
Teary-eyed, he replied, 'Ah Chew!"
--- Dorothy Dean P9202

Don't think me too acrimonious,
If I disrupt the quiet harmonious,
Of sauce, pie, and steak,
I like to partake --
While you eat your sandwich baloneous.
--- Sue Johnson

Said Socrates once to Xanthippe,
"You're rapidly getting too hippy;
I've heard of a diet
That moves all who try it
To look at themselves and yell: 'Yippee'"
--- R J Winkler P8402

They ain't nuthin' special 'bout grits
'Cept'n they gives me the shits.
I gits the bad runs,
Den they squirts out my buns,
And dribble in chunky white bits.
--- Anon