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When chefs cook Risotto, we need You're lame 'cause Joanna's quite wild One leg! Why that rotten old bitch! This invite's to all who are able There will be a scrumptious buffet, The menu has passed all the tests. For those with an exotic taste, For more, you should wave your tail flag; Attire for the night will be "Nude"; A rutterkin lived in a dingle, Rutterkin - swaggering boor Dingle - shady dell by hills Pingle - to eat with no appetite
An anemic young woman, Miss Wyatt, A shvengering West Palm gal's craving A greedy young schoolboy named Mark One who read Science online, A millionaire's son went on trips Put on your big baggy clothes; There once was a colorful fellow, The sword swallower promised to try it There was a dyspeptic old Dago Use only lean meat in your diet. There are practices, quite a high stack, There was a young fellow of Fyfe I've seen this amazing new diet; Though his mother had said to him, "Never A young man both hungry and odd It's time for that diet by Pritikin. After the South Beach Diet entre, An eccentric old man from Herne Bay They say that the way to men's hearts There once was a woman named Maude, A black Benedictine from Prinknash
(Prinatch) A gourmet who lived in Butte, no less, "Eat beans," say the strict vegetarians, Try not to indulge in much junk, Cold pie and lots of ice cream; A couple concerned with inflation They stuck to their new diet plan There was an old alchemist, Strensall, If your memory's failing, take heed; Come here, let me fix you a snack, Among the world's greatest illusions-- For my breakfast, I'm always a fan A lady I know from Norwich, There was a shopper, who with a frown, Cholesterol? It's not a hex! Seriously though, it's no joke, I've never found Mueslix enthusing; A parent, otherwise apt and able, I follow Doc Atkin's direction, A hamburger, fries, and a Coke You left without telling me, Sue. There was a young man who would feast A stubborn old woman named Beryl Whenever I'm feeling sultanic "Offal!" I just love that word! When he saw a fat salesman named Fred The English say mornings are rough, The Irish, likewise, stuff the gullet While perusing the menu for tea A PB&J lover from Radcliffe (loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)
All people, regardless of wealth, A twit of a gardener named Hugh Don't think me too acrimonious, Said Socrates once to Xanthippe, They ain't nuthin' special 'bout grits
To invoke the kitchenhands creed.
And using two bricks,
Use the sultans old tricks,
And quickly, before they can breed.
--- Archie
And cutting up Moms fav'rite child.
You can't sit and beg
With only one leg,
And the Chef is now really riled!
--- Archie
You can't chop the leg off a witch.
I know this good spell
That will make her yell,
From really bad, horrid crotch itch.
--- Marty
To come to Maude's fine dinner table,
On Tuesday each week
At eight o'clock peak;
Your hostess will be "Stretchmark Mable."
--- Travis Brasell
For one low price you will pay.
See Stretch for your ticket
She holds in her thicket.
We'll put out all that we can lay.
--- Travis Brasell
There's thighs, legs and succulent breasts,
Large rumps in hot juice
With crepes-a-la-douche,
Plus cherries in sizzling nests.
--- Travis Brasell
There's sausages braised with white paste,
And Wienerwurst stout
That slides in and out
Of buns soaked in cream without haste.
--- Travis Brasell
Your servers will please, without nag.
They'll come where you lay;
They may even say,
"Take more in our doggie-style bag!"
--- Travis Brasell
All patrons must act very lewd.
If you're asked to pass
A dish, don't be crass.
We won't tolerate being rude.
--- Travis Brasell
Dretching his theow, who would dringle,
"Your crug's no great loss,
Nor you snawky slibber-sauce.
Such lubber-wort just make me pingle!"
--- Susan K Sperling P8309
Dretching - tormenting Theow - servant
Dringle - waste time lazily Crug - bread dipped in beer
Snawky - nauseating Lubber-wort - junk food
Slibber-sauce - concoctions usualy medical
--- Susan K Sperling P8309
Said, "I need more iron in my diet."
She sat down to a plate
Of large nails. I must state
That her gnashing was not very quite.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Some good kosher food--She is raving,
"Bring home cream cheese and lox,
And of bagels, a box,
Oy vey! It's my life you are saving!"
--- Robert A Norman P9507
Ate bananas all week for a lark.
And when he was done,
Gobbled nuts by the ton.
Now he swings through the trees in the park.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Lived sprightly till age ninety-nine.
He knew from the stats
That he shouldn't eat fats,
And instead he drank blueberry wine.
--- Prof M-G
In jets and luxury ships.
But all he would eat
In cold or in heat,
Were platefuls of burgers and chips.
--- Anon
Stretch out in sleepy repose.
You need a rest
To help you digest;
Burp and fart to ease your woes.
--- Karen
Whose skin looked like lemony Jello.
'Twas the carrots he ate
By the pound and the crate,
That turned him from white into yellow.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
And went to the drugstore to buy it --
A tonic much touted
By his doctor, who doubted
That he had enough iron in his diet.
--- A N Wilkins P8711
Who lived on hot water and sago;
When people asked why,
He made this reply,
"Well, it's better than chronic lumbago."
--- Anon Punch 1926 (Bibby)
It's best that you grill it, not fry it.
Some say, better still,
If you have a strong will,
When you go to the market, don't buy it.
--- Dorman John Grace P9504
All defined by the proof that they lack;
These alternative health
Methods sure gather wealth,
But when challenged, they duck like a quack!
--- Anon
Who often embarrassed his wife.
He wasn't a satyr,
Or prevaricator,
He just ate his eggs with his knife.
--- Warrick Elrod
Post-Christmas I feel I should try it.
It tells me to fast
Until New Years is passed;
But on second thought, I won't buy it.
--- Ken Rose
Eat fast. It's fatal endeavor."
He ate fast and faster
Till he met with disaster,
And now he is fasting forever.
--- Laurence Perrine P9504
Decided to dine upon sod.
To do this he dared,
But was quite unprepared,
For the weeds that grew out of his bod.
--- Will Duquette
My size uses up every "bit-of-skin".
I will no longer eat
Processed foods, fats and meat.
Doing that will make me feel "fit-again".
--- Bob Aldrich
What was left, might make a buffet.
Those leftovers could be
A rich, new recipe,
But dieters just throw them away.
--- Bob Aldrich
Lived on garlic and decomposed hay.
He said, "Though the smell
Often makes me unwell,
It does keep the midges away."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Is good food from soup to tarts.
A chocolate eclair
Will stiffen him there,
But too much will give him the farts.
--- Bob Mornington
Whose figure was terribly broad.
She devoured outright
All the candy in sight,
And on small wooden objects she gnawed!
--- Vassar W Smith P9504
That soon he was sated
By that which he hated,
And gorged on green gherkins from Greenwich.
--- Harold C Bibby
Wanted his meals to be tofu-less.
"The smell is not savory;
The taste is not flavory,
And those who like it become scrofulous."
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file eqm
"For meat-eaters are not but barbarians."
Well, that is old news,
But what, I oft muse,
Is the diet of humanitarians.
--- Tiddy Ogg
It puts me in quite a funk.
But, alas, forsooth,
I have a sweet tooth --
So into the junk I have slunk.
--- Sue Johnson
Calories burn like a dream.
The colder the sweet,
The more you can eat.
Burn off all the fat in the steam!
--- Karen
And, in general, the state of the nation,
Said, "With prices this way
That they're going today,
We'll just have to eat Kennel Ration."
--- Virginia Bennet
'Til one day Pa looked up from his can.
"Ma, You're going too far;
I just chased a car,
And this morning I bit the mailman."
--- Virginia Bennett
Who studied his chamber utensil.
His conclusion, sincere,
Was an egg in your beer
Could be used to put lead in your pencil.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2324
Lecithin may be just what you need.
Egg yolks contain it;
Those who disdain it
Won't have idling brains brought to speed.
--- Esther Koch
I've brought it along in this sack.
Some good wine and cheese,
It is sure to please,
With dessert that will make your lips smack.
--- Anon
Along with the New Year Resolutions;
Love, Honor, Obey;
And Armistice Day--
And diets, our long term solutions.
--- Irving Superior P9504
Of a cereal made out of bran.
It's not a vulgarity
To prize regularity,
So try some as soon as you can.
--- Sheila B
Is kinky about lumpy porridge.
She will go to a fete
And then order a plate,
And that takes a great deal of corridge.
--- Max Bygraves
Passed over eggs that were brown.
But, after all,
It's cholesterol
In an omelet, that will get you down.
--- William K Alsop Jr
The answer's not really complex.
Defeating a lipid,
With diet's insipid;
Instead we use marathon sex!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
For this Mueslix is great for us folk,
Who are ... cough, splutter, yuk!
Shit! It's horrible muck,
And the bloody stuff's making me choke.
--- Anon
But now that I've given up boozing,
I find that it's taste
(Unlike wallpaper paste),
Is quite pleasantly bland and amusing.
--- Anon
Raised his kids in a two-horse stable.
And fed them all day
Apparently on hay.
How odd that they never said neigh.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And cut carbs to get weight correction.
I know I'll grow fat,
If low fat and no fat,
Aren't guides to my menu selection.
--- Bob Aldrich
At a fast-food joint won't make you broke.
But think of the calories,
Lined up in galleries --
Those, my friend, should make you choke.
--- Norm Storer
I suppose you and he are now through.
And you missed me? Oh yes?
Well I couln't care less
What you do while I'm having me stew.
--- Peter Wilkins
On nothing but lumps of fresh yeast.
It was hard in the morn
To rise up at dawn,
But the yeast got him started, at least.
--- Anon
Did dangerous things at her peril.
She swallowed sharp things,
Like barbed wire and springs,
And refused to eat anything sterile.
--- Anon
Or know that I'm getting volcanic,
I nourish my soul
With a cinnamon roll,
And recall that I'm only organic.
--- Limber Limericks
Thesauri say "filth", that's absurd.
It's got a bad name,
Got covered with shame,
'Cause peasants ate all undeterred.
--- Tutta Gioia
Make a meal off of cheese and rye bread,
"Are you on a diet?"
Inquired Mr. Wyatt.
"No, I'm on commission," he said.
--- A N Wilkins P8402
So for breakfast, eat oodles of stuff,
Like bangers and beans
And mushrooms and greens,
But the French say one egg is an oeuf.
--- Hugh Clary
With rashers and champ and will pullet
Eggs done over easy.
It makes me so queasy,
I share it, sometimes with the mullet.
--- Liam na Beag
With my three year old sat on my knee,
I said "Just my luck...
I'll have an Orange Duck."
"Think I'll have a green one", said she!
--- Joie de Vivre
Loved it more when her lover got stiff.
He then couldn't fuck her
Till he smeared her with Smucker's
And coated his pecker with Jiff.
--- Stephen Cordwell
Watch their diets, except Mr. Felth.
He eats bumble bees
And buffalo knees;
He also has poor mental health.
--- Al Willis T9711
Planted ragweed to flavor his stew.
Asked how he could munch
On ragweed for lunch,
Teary-eyed, he replied, 'Ah Chew!"
--- Dorothy Dean P9202
If I disrupt the quiet harmonious,
Of sauce, pie, and steak,
I like to partake --
While you eat your sandwich baloneous.
--- Sue Johnson
"You're rapidly getting too hippy;
I've heard of a diet
That moves all who try it
To look at themselves and yell: 'Yippee'"
--- R J Winkler P8402
'Cept'n they gives me the shits.
I gits the bad runs,
Den they squirts out my buns,
And dribble in chunky white bits.
--- Anon
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